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I think I've entered into a QPR


Holmbo
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A while ago I met this guy through a web site. We met up and had a really good time and has met a few more times since then, not so many since we live quite far away from each other. From almost the very start he was clear that he was romantically interested in me and I in turn made clear I was aromantic and didn't or ever would want a romantic relationship. We've talked about this a lot and I've explained how I feel about romance and sex and friendship. He has said that he has romantic feelings for me but he wants us to be friends if that's what I want, preferably friends who have sex. I have been very skeptical about this because my experience is that people who have romantic interest just sees friendship as a step to romance.

 

Last time we met I brought up all my concerns about us being friends. Like that he might only want friendship as a substitute for romance. That the boundaries between friends who have sex and a romantic couple are blurry and even though I can see them I'm not sure he would be able to. That such a relationship would strengthen his romantic feelings for me but not satisfy them. That it might make it harder for him to get romantic feelings for someone else who would want to have a romantic relationship. That our relationship could get uneven where he wants us to spend much more time together then I do or has much more investment in the relationship than I do. That I would want us to hang out with other friends without having to explain our relationship to them.

 

He really considered all the topics and responded how he felt about them. The bottom line for him is that we have some sort of relationship and that I can decide what I feel comfortable with and that we communicate about how we feel about the relationship and what we want from it. So know I've decided to let him be responsible for his own emotional well being and allow us to go out in these murky waters outside the "normal friendship". For many this might not be a big deal but I've actually never really had a relationship that was anything other than "standard platonic" or romantic. So it will be interesting to see how it goes. Hopefully I wont regret it.

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Interesting! I hope it turns out to be a positive experience - for both of you. Keep us posted :).

 

My only concern would be that when you "made clear I was aromantic and didn't or ever would want a romantic relationship" whether he actually took that at face value, or whether he secretly hopes that if he waits it out long enough you will end up wanting "more" from the relationship (i.e. romance). I might be doing him a massive disservice there though (well, I don't know him at all). How did you actually explain aromanticism to him? I'm not really sure myself how I'd go about explaining it, in the context of something like this! 

 

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On 2017-02-06 at 5:48 PM, NullVector said:

My only concern would be that when you "made clear I was aromantic and didn't or ever would want a romantic relationship" whether he actually took that at face value, or whether he secretly hopes that if he waits it out long enough you will end up wanting "more" from the relationship (i.e. romance). I might be doing him a massive disservice there though (well, I don't know him at all). How did you actually explain aromanticism to him? I'm not really sure myself how I'd go about explaining it, in the context of something like this! 

 

 

Sure, there's always a risk of that. That's what I meant about trusting him with his own emotional well being. As long as I feel good about the relationship I will continue it and I will trust him to do the same.
The way I usually explain aromanticism is by bringing up homoromanticism. My friend is straight so when he asked me how I knew I hadn't met the one I asked him in return how he knew he just hadn't met the right man to fall in love with. I've just this several times to explain aromanticism to people and it really seem to help because they understand it's just not something tied to one specific individual. That conversation was a long while ago and I really feel he got it. But understanding something on an intelectual level and accepting it emotionally are different things. So I'll have to see.

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23 hours ago, Holmbo said:

As long as I feel good about the relationship I will continue it and I will trust him to do the same.

 

As long as you're both happy with this and you aren't ignoring your own comfort to protect his (which it sounds you know already), then it sounds like this could be a good thing for you; I'm rooting for you! I hope it goes well!

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  • 1 month later...

So far we haven't seen that much of each other. We live in different cities and are both working full time with different schedules.

 

But the time we have met have been nice. It's good to be able to explore my unclear sexual feelings for a longer time with someone else. Right now I feel like my conclusion might be that I don't really have any other interest than cuddling and kissing though.

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