Lovebird Posted December 31, 2023 Share Posted December 31, 2023 Some may know that more than a week ago as of writing this, my spouse and I recently broke off our six year relationship. I thought I'd take it well considering my previous (albeit problematic) relationship breakup was much easier. But no, every time I think I'm over it, it comes up to hit me again. I still love and cherish them so much, everyday I secretly await for a text asking me to give it another shot. But it's been days since and nothing at all. It feels like a losing battle. I've lost so many people I've considered important in my life this year; including them, we had a future planned and everything (living together, kids). And while it was a very distant LDR, we made it work for six long hard years in spite of personal hardships from the both of us. I'm not sure if can handle interpersonal relationships, including romantic-coded relationships ever again. They always seems to fizzle out of fail due to my negligence. Every time without fail, I become even more of a hermit because of it. I'm having a harder time trusting people I have nobody else to talk to about this with, my alloro friends don't have a comprehensive dating history to really understand my situations, while the aros I've tried talking to seem to think my relationship type is invalid or think attraction is stupid, pointless or some kind of distraction. I feel even lonelier than ever and nobody gets it. I feel, unloved, I suppose. Only real reason I'm venting here is because I trust you all enough to be non-judgemental, at least I hope so. 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alto Posted December 31, 2023 Share Posted December 31, 2023 I am sorry for your loss. Heartbreak is always difficult. It's never easy to deal with, whether it's platonic or romantic. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MondoBilby Posted December 31, 2023 Share Posted December 31, 2023 I'm very sorry to hear that. I've got no experience with this, so I unfortunately don't have anything super meaningful to say, sorry. But I do hope you get better. You're super valid. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovebird Posted December 31, 2023 Author Share Posted December 31, 2023 1 hour ago, alto said: I am sorry for your loss. Heartbreak is always difficult. It's never easy to deal with, whether it's platonic or romantic. Its like someone said here, heartbreak isn't really taken seriously, it can even be quite traumatic at times. A part of me feels like I shouldn't be so upset or whiny over it, people all the time insist that being "single" is superior. But that wording doesn't help me at all. If anything, it makes me feel bad for being in a relationship in the first place. I've tried filling that love of my ex with a new fictional man to obsess over, it helps but after the hyper fixing wears off, it's like I'm back to my own bleak reality again. I'm not sure if I can even be friends with them ever again, I don't harbour any bad feelings towards them post break up. But it just feels beyond awkward to be friends with them after all this. 6 minutes ago, MondoBilby said: I'm very sorry to hear that. I've got no experience with this, so I unfortunately don't have anything super meaningful to say, sorry. But I do hope you get better. You're super valid. It's the thought that counts, thank you 🤗 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nix Posted December 31, 2023 Share Posted December 31, 2023 I am so sorry to hear that :( Any kind of breakup is awful, and nobody but you gets to decide how much it hurts. I hope seeing the responses here make you feel valid and seen, even if it will do little to lessen the actual pain. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holmbo Posted December 31, 2023 Share Posted December 31, 2023 It seems to me that a week is a very short time to get over a six year relationship ending so I'm not surprised you're still upset about it. I think allow yourself to grieve, you don't have to fix it or feel good right away. 🫂 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovebird Posted December 31, 2023 Author Share Posted December 31, 2023 7 hours ago, Holmbo said: It seems to me that a week is a very short time to get over a six year relationship ending so I'm not surprised you're still upset about it. I think allow yourself to grieve, you don't have to fix it or feel good right away. 🫂 It's the longest, and most serious relationship I've ever been in. I expected myself to get over it quicker because well, people keep saying that's something you *have* to move on quickly from. And it's like, I just simply can't??? Another thing I'm scared about is that I'm never going to get over it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alto Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 7 hours ago, Lovebird said: Another thing I'm scared about is that I'm never going to get over it. You will. It may take a long time, but you will. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holmbo Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 14 hours ago, Lovebird said: It's the longest, and most serious relationship I've ever been in. I expected myself to get over it quicker because well, people keep saying that's something you *have* to move on quickly from. And it's like, I just simply can't??? Another thing I'm scared about is that I'm never going to get over it. Which people are saying you have to move on from it in a week? That sounds unrealistic to me. Every loss requires grieving time. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 I'm so sorry to hear that. Although I don't really know what to say, since I'm not experienced in that area, I want you to know that I am being sincere and I hope you'll get better soon. I also agree with the points Holmbo made above me - that grieving takes time. It's different for everyone, so you definitely shouldn't feel pressured to get over it quickly. It's important to take your time. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeltaAro Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 On 12/31/2023 at 9:47 AM, Lovebird said: Its like someone said here, heartbreak isn't really taken seriously, it can even be quite traumatic at times. Yes, beginning with the word 💔, it's so ridiculously overdramatic that it isn't serious but rather cutesy. In my naivety, I even thought it would be interesting to experience heartbreak. Because I had those images of slightly melancholic teenagers in pajamas in mind, eating chocolates and being very authentic with their feelings. 17 hours ago, Lovebird said: It's the longest, and most serious relationship I've ever been in. I expected myself to get over it quicker because well, people keep saying that's something you *have* to move on quickly from. And it's like, I just simply can't??? But if romance gives all those positive feelings, how can the experience of romantic loss not also feel very bad and take their time? My cousin is similar. She complained to my sister, "Are you seriously still not over it?" and it was four weeks (ok, at least four, not ONE!!) after her 3-year relationship ended. But she just looked a bit unhappy and quiet at my grandma's birthday. The same cousin, by the way, is very "concerned" that I don't know what I'm missing out on regarding romance. I've read that one can expect it to take 3 months to fully heal, if it was a long-term relationship. But it's difficult to find any good data, it's all very vague. E.g. what exactly is a "long-term relationship"? This topic is seriously under-researched. 17 hours ago, Lovebird said: Another thing I'm scared about is that I'm never going to get over it. Actively ruminating about the meta-questions like "how long will it take to get over it" is probably just adding unnecessary pressure. TW: scary truth (maybe read it if you feel better) Spoiler It is unlikely but possible that you never get over it. Rarely, heartbreaks can trigger a mental health condition which you didn't have before. Another thing: if you fantasize about getting back together, I'd try to avoid this. Not talking about thought suppression, which is counterproductive, but rather not actively engaging in such fantasies. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovebird Posted January 2 Author Share Posted January 2 6 hours ago, DeltaAro said: Yes, beginning with the word 💔, it's so ridiculously overdramatic that it isn't serious but rather cutesy. In my naivety, I even thought it would be interesting to experience heartbreak. Because I had those images of slightly melancholic teenagers in pajamas in mind, eating chocolates and being very authentic with their feelings. But if romance gives all those positive feelings, how can the experience of romantic loss not also feel very bad and take their time? My cousin is similar. She complained to my sister, "Are you seriously still not over it?" and it was four weeks (ok, at least four, not ONE!!) after her 3-year relationship ended. But she just looked a bit unhappy and quiet at my grandma's birthday. The same cousin, by the way, is very "concerned" that I don't know what I'm missing out on regarding romance. I've read that one can expect it to take 3 months to fully heal, if it was a long-term relationship. But it's difficult to find any good data, it's all very vague. E.g. what exactly is a "long-term relationship"? This topic is seriously under-researched. Actively ruminating about the meta-questions like "how long will it take to get over it" is probably just adding unnecessary pressure. TW: scary truth (maybe read it if you feel better) Hide contents It is unlikely but possible that you never get over it. Rarely, heartbreaks can trigger a mental health condition which you didn't have before. Another thing: if you fantasize about getting back together, I'd try to avoid this. Not talking about thought suppression, which is counterproductive, but rather not actively engaging in such fantasies. I know that it's not the healthiest to imagine getting back together. The first time I did get back with my first ex, it was terrible. I'm trying to not let the get over it quick get to me, but it's hard 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovebird Posted January 2 Author Share Posted January 2 13 hours ago, Holmbo said: Which people are saying you have to move on from it in a week? That sounds unrealistic to me. Every loss requires grieving time. Both allos and some aros have implied that heartbreak isn't that deep and one should get over it at least a week max, and if you haven't, it's like you 'failed' because that proves you're somehow 'clingy' or 'hungup' about them. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CoolK Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 (edited) I have also experienced heartbreak. Don't feel any pressure to move on from it in a certain time. Lean on the people that support you. It's ok to still love them but recognize you will not be with them in the same way anymore and blocking and going no contact for a while may be beneficial than if you still want to be friends you can discuss it when you are in a better head space. A lot of romantic relationships do not work out. But I believe you will be able to find the person for you in the future if that's what you seek. Don't feel bad for mourning a loss a breakup is a real loss and causes chemical changes in your brain take all the time you need and maybe consider therapy if you can afford it. Edited January 3 by CoolK 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovebird Posted January 4 Author Share Posted January 4 16 hours ago, CoolK said: I have also experienced heartbreak. Don't feel any pressure to move on from it in a certain time. Lean on the people that support you. It's ok to still love them but recognize you will not be with them in the same way anymore and blocking and going no contact for a while may be beneficial than if you still want to be friends you can discuss it when you are in a better head space. A lot of romantic relationships do not work out. But I believe you will be able to find the person for you in the future if that's what you seek. Don't feel bad for mourning a loss a breakup is a real loss and causes chemical changes in your brain take all the time you need and maybe consider therapy if you can afford it. I'm seeing my psychologist today actually lol. I'm still on the fence about seeking another people. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovebird Posted January 4 Author Share Posted January 4 An update for anyone who cares; they dm'd me on another account, saying they already have a new girlfriend. Their GF doesn't let them contact anyone else, and according to them they say their family thinks online relationships are "unhealthy" so they chose someone closer instead. I'm not forgiving them. The aro community was right all along, romantic relationships never last and are all terrible. I'm never getting close to anyone ever again. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CoolK Posted January 5 Share Posted January 5 24 minutes ago, Lovebird said: An update for anyone who cares; they dm'd me on another account, saying they already have a new girlfriend. Their GF doesn't let them contact anyone else, and according to them they say their family thinks online relationships are "unhealthy" so they chose someone closer instead. I'm not forgiving them. The aro community was right all along, romantic relationships never last and are all terrible. I'm never getting close to anyone ever again. That was unseeded of them to do and cold hearted. Definitely stay away from relationships a while if that's what is best for you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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