Anyone experience crushes before knowing you were aspec?

[Reindeermilk]

The only think that’s been keeping me from labeling myself as fully aro/ace is that I have experienced crushes in the past; three boys when I was between the ages 8 and 12.

~you don’t have to read this next paragraph 😅~

But to be specific I would describe them as more “I really like hanging out with him and he makes me laugh” not “I want to date him”. 
my first crush was when I was in the first grade. We confessed mutual feelings, but I didn’t want to do anything, like start dating.  
The second boy was when I was in the fourth grade. He went to my daycare, and again I just really liked hanging out with him. He was fun. I left that daycare and never saw him again, so I never confessed feelings, but I didn’t care that I didn’t. 
And lastly, I had a two year crush on a boy from fifth to sixth grade. He got a girlfriend midway through seventh grade. Everyone expected me to be jealous and upset, because everyone knew I liked him. But I didn’t care at all. 
 

Anyway, way too much information, but I’m just confused. Cause I hear all these different names like squishes and other things, because aromantic people don’t have crushes?  I just want to know if it’s normal to have had actually crushes on people when you were younger. As of recently I haven’t had anything really remotely similar to those feelings when I was younger, but anyway. 
Assure me please. 🤝

[hemogoblin]

Aromantic people can have crushes.

[Celandine]

This is very familiar to me actually! I had a few crushes when I was younger very similarly to how you described it — feeling that someone is really cool or interesting, but never really feeling attached to the idea of dating them.
 

One that stands out to me is when me and my friend both had a crush on the same girl (I think I was 13/14?) and her being worried that it was a big deal, when I just found it pretty funny and was generally nonchalant about it. I’d had a crush on her for about a year at that point, but talking about it with my friend made me realise shortly afterwards that I didn’t want to confess because I wasn’t interested in dating her. (This is also the last crush I remember having). Like you, when I didn’t get to confess to crushes or get together with them, it never actually bothered me.
 

I’ve come across the term “squish” as well and while it could possibly be applicable to my former crushes, I still tend to think of them as crushes. And I still consider myself aromantic, so you’re definitely not alone!

Edited April 5, 2023 by Celandine

[TripleA]

On 4/5/2023 at 10:54 PM, hemogoblin said:

Aromantic people can have crushes.

no they can't.

[nonmerci]

On 4/5/2023 at 10:25 PM, Reindeermilk said:

because aromantic people don’t have crushes?

It depends if you are on the spectrum if you are "strictly" aromantic. People on the spectrum get crushes, people who have 0 attraction don't.

Also orientation can fluctuate. So even if you felt attraction in the past, if now you don't, you are aromantic.

I had I think one crush that lasted two weeks, but as it is one in 28 years old, I consider it irrelevant.

[hemogoblin]

36 minutes ago, TripleA said:

no they can't.

Literally they can, and this is a pretty disgusting, exclusionary response to make ESPECIALLY considering the topic. I'm not debating literal fact with you, especially since you seem to come here specifically to invalidate and harm other aromantic folk. That's not acceptable.

[Guest]

I don't believe that no or yes maybe i could i loved me of a girl on grade 4 but the aromantic spectrum inside of me it's forte.

[Alaska Native Manitou]

A reminder of the rules here:

Quote

f. Judgements of other users

Making judgments about other users, especially about the validity of their sexual or romantic orientation or their choice of labels, is strongly discouraged. We are here to figure ourselves out, not to put each other in boxes.

 

[BasicallyEmoPotato]

I don't know if I have ever experienced crushes when I was younger. I don't recall any fancy I had with anyone, so I guess I didn't get crushes. And yes, aromanticism is a spectrum, and you can experience crushes!!! They may not be as often or as strong as an alloromantic person's, but that's completely okay!

 

[HelloThere]

On 4/5/2023 at 4:25 PM, Reindeermilk said:

The only think that’s been keeping me from labeling myself as fully aro/ace is that I have experienced crushes in the past; three boys when I was between the ages 8 and 12.

~you don’t have to read this next paragraph 😅~

But to be specific I would describe them as more “I really like hanging out with him and he makes me laugh” not “I want to date him”. 
my first crush was when I was in the first grade. We confessed mutual feelings, but I didn’t want to do anything, like start dating.  
The second boy was when I was in the fourth grade. He went to my daycare, and again I just really liked hanging out with him. He was fun. I left that daycare and never saw him again, so I never confessed feelings, but I didn’t care that I didn’t. 
And lastly, I had a two year crush on a boy from fifth to sixth grade. He got a girlfriend midway through seventh grade. Everyone expected me to be jealous and upset, because everyone knew I liked him. But I didn’t care at all. 
 

Anyway, way too much information, but I’m just confused. Cause I hear all these different names like squishes and other things, because aromantic people don’t have crushes?  I just want to know if it’s normal to have had actually crushes on people when you were younger. As of recently I haven’t had anything really remotely similar to those feelings when I was younger, but anyway. 
Assure me please. 🤝

I haven’t had any real crushes, I kinda just tunnel vision on people I want to talk to and just enjoy their presence but nothing more.

[Candide]

Yes but it was for getting married to them, not wanting to date them. I also got friend crushes very frequently though. 

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

There are aros that may experience having crushes and that's just another unique experience of being aromantic/aro-spec.

I don't label my past emotional attractions as crushes anymore, because of the strong feelings of only wanting to hang out with the people I quote unquote liked, being the main factor as to why I don't label them as such. But, my not-really-having-crushes-or-experiencing-romantic-attraction-at-all has only happened recently these 4-5 years, and made me realize that my past attractions may not have been as romantic as I initially thought, plus most of the time, when I was very little, either I was un-knowingly "dating" someone because they confessed they liked me and so boom! that totally means we're dating now, or I only said I was "dating" someone because I found them cool, felt that strong emotional pull towards them, and because "dating was just like in the movies."

[HelloThere]

22 minutes ago, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

There are aros that may experience having crushes and that's just another unique experience of being aromantic/aro-spec.

I don't label my past emotional attractions as crushes anymore, because of the strong feelings of only wanting to hang out with the people I quote unquote liked, being the main factor as to why I don't label them as such. But, my not-really-having-crushes-or-experiencing-romantic-attraction-at-all has only happened recently these 4-5 years, and made me realize that my past attractions may not have been as romantic as I initially thought, plus most of the time, when I was very little, either I was un-knowingly "dating" someone because they confessed they liked me and so boom! that totally means we're dating now, or I only said I was "dating" someone because I found them cool, felt that strong emotional pull towards them, and because "dating was just like in the movies."

Yeah, whenever I picture dating one of two scenarios plays in my head, two faceless people in a movie theater, and two faceless people in a restaurant. After that it’s just scenes from movies that my brain makes a feeble attempt at editing. XD

[burnedbridges]

Yes, sort of? In hindsight it's difficult to separate actual crushes from forced crushes, but for me I was obsessed with romance in a really shallow level from a young age. I had "crushes" on people as a kid, but in hindsight I don't think these were crushes, rather me picking random boys I thought I could have a crush on and then just making friends with them.

In my early teenage years I did experience some romantic attraction, but usually it was based on an idealised version of that person? When I actually talked to them in person, I didn't feel attracted to them, but if I hadn't seen them in a while and I'd built up this idealised perfect unreal version of them in my mind, I'd experience romantic attraction towards that version. I also had some feelings I thought were romantic attraction at the time, but later realised that it was just a close platonic relationship and I didn't want romance.

So, kind of, but every crush I've had has been slightly off or wrong in some way, and most of them were vaguely forced and I'd try to make myself feel romantic feelings. As I've grown up and let go of the feeling that I have to have romance and crushes in my life, I've found that I don't experience crushes at all anymore. Personally, I use the aro label to mainly refer to the fact that romance doesn't really fit into my real life - while I can and have daydreamed all I like about romance, in practice, I'm aromantic.

I'd also say that orientation can change - just because you experienced romantic attraction in the past doesn't mean you do now.

Last piece of advice - when trying to work out identity and Labels, try to focus on the now rather than the past or present. Instead of thinking "can I apply this label to my past" or "will I fit into this label in my hypothetical future scenarios", think "does this label fit me now".

I have no idea if that helped but I hope it did.