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Hello! I'm a non-binary person who is in the process of figuring out their orientation.
I'm pretty sure I'm asexual, and I used to think I was panromantic, cause I have had "crushes" on all genders, but since about two years ago I have started questioning that too.

I think I might be aroace after all, and that my "crushes" were actually not romantic, because after having tried dating one of them I realized I'm very very repulsed by romance, and subsequently don't actually want a romantic relationship with the people I like or love, which is one of the definitions of aromanticism: "not desiring a romantic relationship with any gender".

 

Whenever my ex kissed me, told me they loved me (in my language we have a different term for platonic "I love you" and romantic "I love you"), contacted me just because they missed me… I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt incredibly guilty that I didn't feel like doing those things with them, despite the fact that I very much loved them. It seems like a lot of aro people felt this way during a relationship, and it's very sad. I literally felt violated every time they kissed me, or even hugged me—and I love hugs, with friends and family—because to them, there was an ulterior motive behind that hug (not a sexual one thankfully, I don't know how I would have handled that). I just, didn't feel it! And I hated how infatuated with me they were, because I couldn't understand why I didn't feel the same way. The love I felt for them eventually turned into frustration, bordering on hate, because they were blinded by that infatuation and didn't notice that I was constantly uncomfortable, so I left them very early into the relationship. We went back to being friends, and hoo boy it was so much better.

I used to think there was something wrong with me, or maybe that the problem had been that they just loved me too much—which was true—but then I started considering that maybe there had been no problem at all, and that I might just be on the aro spectrum.

 

I can't be sure, but I have a feeling this would just happen all over again if I were to try my hand at a romantic relationship again. I just have to make do with the information I gathered from my one experience, cause I can't just use people as guinea pigs: that would be playing with their feelings out of selfishness, and I can't do that. I also really don't wanna retry cause I hated it and I don't wanna be uncomfortable again. I don't really think this will change or that I just have to find "the right person"—seriously, I'm sick of being told this, as if it were reassuring: I don't wanna date anyone anymore! I'm good enough alone! Romantic relationship aren't the be-all and end-all of life, geez. Even if I weren't aro, it's still perfectly acceptable to wanna stay single, for a certain period of time, or forever.

 

I do fall in love with people, but I don't wanna do anything with them, you know? I don't wanna date them. It's closer to the kind of love I feel for my family members. I essentially just want a buddy (or some buddies, I'm fine with polyamory!) that will be not quite like a best friend, but rather like a sibling. I don't know how to better explain this; just siblinghood. Someone or some people for whom I am special, but not in a romantic way. A queerplatonic relationship, essentially. It seems much more appealing than a romantic one. I'm not quite certain QPRs are even for me, but they seem a lot more doable than trying out another romantic relationship.

 

I know this was long, sorry. I hope some of you all related to this a bit :).
 

Now a bit about me: I love languages, and other than my native tongue and English, I'm studying Japanese (I love the culture as well, I would love to live there), Chinese, and my country's sing language. Seriously, sing languages are so beautiful, check them out if you are looking to learn a language! I also watch anime, Studio Ghibli, and I love Pixar. I'm a gamer, mostly Nintendo and horror RPGs. I have been a vegetarian since the beginning of this year, and I switched to veganism this summer. I'm also an atheist, and I love music; my house is full of instruments (I can only play a few). My favourite bands are Kero Kero Bonito and Twenty One Pilots. Lastly, I like to draw sometimes, but I'm not very good.

 

 

Do PM me if you wanna be friends! I'd really appreciate it, I know it takes some guts to start a conversation. It gets pretty disheartening being the only aro person I know. Allo people try to be good allies, but they mess it up so bad. I don't even feel safe enough to come out to my family as aroace… They wouldn't understand. I'm very shy but I'd love to get to get to know new people, especially if they're aro-spec too. I can handle more serious talks as well; I have battled with depression and am now recovering, trust me I've seen it all, you can consider me a safe space for anything :). Please reach out to me if you need someone to talk to about stuff. It's always good to let it out.

 

Was that TMI? Probably. I'm sorry! I just think there shouldn't be such stigma around mental health, it's important to talk about it. Thanks for reading this far! And, as the Japanese would say, よろしくお願いします!:D

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28 minutes ago, I am a schwa said:

I do fall in love with people, but I don't wanna do anything with them, you know? I don't wanna date them. It's closer to the kind of love I feel for my family members. I essentially just want a buddy (or some buddies, I'm fine with polyamory!) that will be not quite like a best friend, but rather like a sibling. I don't know how to better explain this; just siblinghood. Someone or some people for whom I am special, but not in a romantic way. A queerplatonic relationship, essentially. It seems much more appealing than a romantic one. I'm not quite certain QPRs are even for me, but they seem a lot more doable than trying out another romantic relationship.

 

You fall in love with people, but don't want to act on it? Hmmm.... aegoromantic?

It's closer to the love you feel for friends and family members. Quoiromantic?

If you go here, AUREA has some great labels that might make sense.

However, go with what feels comfortable.

 

But hi! It's nice to meet you. I'm Fandom, ze/she/they. If you're a teen, come join us on Teen Corner, it's pretty chill over there. I recently just went through a big sexuality crisis, so my brain is full of aro stuff.

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Hey! Welcome! Also omg I relate so much to all of the things you said.

38 minutes ago, I am a schwa said:

I can't just use people as guinea pigs: that would be playing with their feelings out of selfishness, and I can't do that. I also really don't wanna retry cause I hated it and I don't wanna be uncomfortable again. I don't really think this will change or that I just have to find "the right person"—seriously, I'm sick of being told this, as if it were reassuring:

Especially this bit. I've been told to give a relationship a chance (and tried to, with dating apps and stuff), but the result is always the same. I feel uncomfortable and like I'm manipulating people. The second that like any romantic (or sexual most of the time tbh) attraction is shown towards me I also feel so violated and almost shut down. Y'know?

And also if someone else tells me that I'll meet the right person some day I'm gonna loose it. Dude, I think I know myself better than you.

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3 minutes ago, Fandom Fanatic said:

You fall in love with people, but don't want to act on it? Hmmm.... aegoromantic?

It's closer to the love you feel for friends and family members. Quoiromantic?

If you go here, AUREA has some great labels that might make sense.

However, go with what feels comfortable.

Yes, I had taken both there terms into consideration actually, but I like to just identify as aro! It just feels better for some reason. I was obsessing with getting specific too much and it was driving me crazy, but once I settled for the umbrella term it all became simpler. Lithromamtic also fits, and it is similar to aego, but again, I find it more useful to just identify as aro. I don't dislike microlabels in general, mind you, I think they're really useful and it's important that they exist cause they bring people together, but in my case, they don't make me feel as good as just aro does :). Thank you for your imput!

 

8 minutes ago, Fandom Fanatic said:

But hi! It's nice to meet you. I'm Fandom, ze/she/they. If you're a teen, come join us on Teen Corner, it's pretty chill over there. I recently just went through a big sexuality crisis, so my brain is full of aro stuff.

Nice to meet you too! Sure, I'll check it out. Hope your sexuality crisis wasn't too unpleasant.

1 minute ago, Whirl said:

Hey! Welcome! Also omg I relate so much to all of the things you said.

Especially this bit. I've been told to give a relationship a chance (and tried to, with dating apps and stuff), but the result is always the same. I feel uncomfortable and like I'm manipulating people. The second that like any romantic (or sexual most of the time tbh) attraction is shown towards me I also feel so violated and almost shut down. Y'know?

And also if someone else tells me that I'll meet the right person some day I'm gonna loose it. Dude, I think I know myself better than you.

Thanks! I'm sorry for your experience :( amatonormativity sucks! But I'm glad you found it relatable, maybe it can bring some comfort knowing you're not alone.

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1 minute ago, I am a schwa said:

Yes, I had taken both there terms into consideration actually, but I like to just identify as aro! It just feels better for some reason. I was obsessing with getting specific too much and it was driving me crazy, but once I settled for the umbrella term it all became simpler. Lithromamtic also fits, and it is similar to aego, but again, I find it more useful to just identify as aro. I don't dislike microlabels in general, mind you, I think they're really useful and it's important that they exist cause they bring people together, but in my case, they don't make me feel as good as just aro does :). Thank you for your imput!

 

Nice to meet you too! Sure, I'll check it out. Hope your sexuality crisis wasn't too unpleasant.

Sounds good! I did identify as aroace for a while, because it gave me some breathing room, which I really needed at the time, but now I think I'm comfortable where I am.

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3 minutes ago, I am a schwa said:

Thanks! I'm sorry for your experience :( amatonormativity sucks! But I'm glad you found it relatable, maybe it can bring some comfort knowing you're not alone.

It definitely does! This forum has been really helpful in my journey. It's really nice to be in a space where you and your struugles are understood, cause in the rest of the amatonormativite world we're not taken seriously, I think. Like, people have been supportive of me when I've come out, but later comments tell me that some of them think my identity is just a phase.

And sometimes it can be pretty isolating, when all everyone does is talk about romance and treat it as it was a. the best thing ever and b.innevitable. 

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welcome friend

1 hour ago, I am a schwa said:

I don't really think this will change or that I just have to find "the right person"—seriously, I'm sick of being told this, as if it were reassuring: I don't wanna date anyone anymore! I'm good enough alone! Romantic relationship aren't the be-all and end-all of life, geez. Even if I weren't aro, it's still perfectly acceptable to wanna stay single, for a certain period of time, or forever.

yeah it sucks how being single has just become this undesirable thing for whatever reason

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5 minutes ago, EGGHEAD said:

welcome friend

yeah it sucks how being single has just become this undesirable thing for whatever reason

Thanks! I really don't get it honestly 

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12 hours ago, Fandom Fanatic said:

You fall in love with people, but don't want to act on it? Hmmm.... aegoromantic?

It's closer to the love you feel for friends and family members. Quoiromantic?

If you go here, AUREA has some great labels that might make sense.

However, go with what feels comfortable.

 

But hi! It's nice to meet you. I'm Fandom, ze/she/they. If you're a teen, come join us on Teen Corner, it's pretty chill over there. I recently just went through a big sexuality crisis, so my brain is full of aro stuff.

Or orchidromantic? 

 

Do you experience platonic attraction and alterous attraction?

I mean this question for @I am a schwa. But you could answer too, @Fandom Fanatic!

Edited by Storm_leopardcat
Adding name tags and clarifying who I am asking the question for.
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Hello!! 

The journey of figuring out your orientation must have been hard for you, however I'm glad you finally realised it!

Welcome on the forum!

 

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On 11/20/2022 at 1:12 PM, Storm_leopardcat said:

Or orchidromantic? 

 

Do you experience platonic attraction and alterous attraction?

I mean this question for @I am a schwa. But you could answer too, @Fandom Fanatic!

Yeah, I had considered the term orchidromantic too, and it fits pretty well, but giving a name to the specifics of my orientation feels a bit constricting; I prefer just aro or aro-spec :)

To answer your question, yes, I do experience platonic attraction, and probably alterous attraction too. I figured my crushes might be alterous instead of romantic, cause I wanna get close to them emotionally, but not in a romantic context. That feels like alterous/queerplatonic to me, idk. I'm still a bit confused, cause it's hard to tell exactly how I feel about people, but that's what I gathered! Thanks for trying to help out ^^

On 11/20/2022 at 1:13 PM, Keith said:

Hello!! 

The journey of figuring out your orientation must have been hard for you, however I'm glad you finally realised it!

Welcome on the forum!

 

Thank you!

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7 hours ago, I am a schwa said:

Yeah, I had considered the term orchidromantic too, and it fits pretty well, but giving a name to the specifics of my orientation feels a bit constricting; I prefer just aro or aro-spec :)

To answer your question, yes, I do experience platonic attraction, and probably alterous attraction too. I figured my crushes might be alterous instead of romantic, cause I wanna get close to them emotionally, but not in a romantic context. That feels like alterous/queerplatonic to me, idk. I'm still a bit confused, cause it's hard to tell exactly how I feel about people, but that's what I gathered! Thanks for trying to help out ^^

Thank you!

You’re welcome, on both accounts! I am glad I could help someone out!

Mhmm, I see. I’m not entirely sure, either, as to what makes alterous attraction and such a relationship different from queerplatonic attraction/relationship. 

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