shotinthehand Posted July 6, 2016 Share Posted July 6, 2016 I started this because I did something pretty weird two nights ago and I don't feel terribly comfortable talking with any of my friends about it. Here goes. Context: I'm totally ace, and I believe I had a one crush on my best friend, a lithromantic crush, back in fifth grade, but that's it. Since her, there's only been one alterous squishy thing (let's call it a squeeze) on a boy in my grade. Sean, the other person involved in the situation I am about to relate, recently came out to me as a homosexual who crushes on boys and girls; his crushes on girls are only emotional whereas his crushes on boys are emotional and sexual. He had a very big crush on me in middle school. I didn't know what to do with my romance-repulsion and I thought I was a freak for it so I took it all out on him by being cruel to him. Meanwhile, everyone around told me that I should feel flattered, that he was a sweet, smart, funny person, and that it was a nice thing. In a final fit of repulsion at the end of eighth grade I tried to cut him off as I moved to another city. Thank goodness that he still talks to me and that I didn't succeed in that. I told him I would be back in town for two nights and that I would love to meet him if he wanted to, though I totally understood if he didn't. One thing led to another and his family offered to host me for those two nights. Upon meeting Sean that day, I gave him a fierce hug as soon as I saw him and gave him many more throughout the evening. I also held his hand a lot and was generally physically close to him. This was all pretty chill. That night, we decided to cuddle because we had missed each other very much. I felt as if I had three years of physical affection to make up for with him, because I had refused to be physically affectionate with him during seventh grade and eighth grade because of his crush on me, though typically I enjoy being physically affectionate with my friends, and obviously I had not been able to be physically affectionate with him at all when we lived so far apart. Then we started cuddling in bed before going to sleep. I had never cuddled with him before. I told him I'd like to be little spoon and he became the best big spoon I have ever had, though granted, I've only ever seriously spooned with one other person. It started really chill. I was wearing a low-necked t-shirt pajama and long pants and he was just in underwear. Things started getting more intense with time, to the point where if someone had happened to walk in, they would probably wonder what the actual fuck we were doing. There was nuzzling, heavy breathing, hugging so hard we shook, and moaning, and tangling up our legs and arms and stroking each other and figuring out how not to tickle each other, and sometimes I was on top of him, and sometimes vice versa. He also gave me lots of back rubs, at which he is quite skilled, I might add. It was quite intense. Earlier in the night I had asked him if it would be OK if I kissed him on the cheek or arms, and he said no, that it would be weird. I respected that, of course. Later, after things had gotten so heated up, he started kissing my back, and kissing became OK after I asked him if that's what he was doing and he gave answer along the lines of "Yeah. Sorry. Is that weird? I'll stop" and I told him that it was alright, I had just tensed up because no-one had ever kissed me before. He responded "I'd be honored to be your first." Kissing stayed not on the mouth; when he tried once, I pushed him away as I turned my head, and he apologized with something like: "Sorry. Is that too weird? I thought, you know, because everything else was working for you...Sorry." I gave an answer that went something like "Yeah, too weird." After another apology from him and my assurance that I wasn't angry, we went back to cuddling as we had been up to that point. At one point, he turned on the light, despite my protests, to fix the sheets so that it didn't look "like we'd been starring in an amateur porn video" because his mom was going to wake us up if we weren't awake on our own in time to get ready for the Fourth of July parade we were planning on watching. I asked him "What are we doing?" and he shrugged, saying something like "You're getting pleasure from it, right, and that's what's important, right?" I think I now know what had happened, what we had been doing. I had missed him very much and really wanted to be physically affectionate with him while I had the chance, especially after a profound lack of physical affection with him for years. That doesn't explain why I let myself get so...steamy with him and I understand now that I like sensual stuff like that. It's confusing though to try to have that need met, being a sort of romance-repulsed person who can't satiate my sensual drive in romantic relationships who also doesn't want to toy with her friends emotions or mess up her relationships. He had had a very big crush on me and I had forced it to die with being an utter fucking bitch and, of course, I had moved, so this poor, whimpering crush of his finally withered to death. He now has a big crush on his straight best friend, Gavin. He had been using me as a proxy for Gavin, which I realize were obvious from comments he had made while we were cuddling but I had ignored it because I had not wanted to stop. I wish it had actually been ME he was cuddling, ME, his friend Sophie, not a fill-in for Gavin or the idea of me left over from when he had a huge crush on me. I wish that I could get my sensual drive met without complicating my relationships. I don't have a crush on him and I deeply hope that I have not accidentally awakened a dormant, beaten-down crush on me or mislead him that night. We talked about the next morning and he explained that he was kind of confused about what had happened to, that he thought he was just very desperate (I assume he was referring to the reality that he will never get to cuddle with Gavin like that), and that he wasn't straight for me. We agreed that going further would have been uncomfortable. I think of what happened kind of like a one-night stand with a fuckbuddy, but without the fucking part. I'm sorry that this might not be useful to pretty much anyone on here but I needed to get this off of my chest. I don't want to be slut-shamed or accused of toying with Sean's emotions by my friends or family; I told one friend from theater (she's demi) the gist of what had physically gone down but I didn't give her the context of Sean and our relationship. She was supportive and helped me by telling me that I needed to talk to him about what happened so that there was no confusion about what the other wanted our relationship to be. I told my best friend the inverse. She told me to stick to chill cuddling if I don't want straight boys to get crushes on me. That's another part of the issue. Sean isn't out to anyone but me, so I can't fully discuss this with even my best friend because he fiercely told me to not out him to anyone when he came out to me last month. I guess one lesson learned here is that cuddling between an ace girl and a homosexual boy can get confusing and spicy. UPDATE: I recently found out that I am the only girl he has ever crushed on. 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