One-Night Sensual Stand with an Allo

[shotinthehand]

I started this because I did something pretty weird two nights ago and I don't feel terribly comfortable talking with any of my friends about it. Here goes.

 

Context: I'm totally ace, and I believe I had a one crush on my best friend, a lithromantic crush, back in fifth grade, but that's it. Since her, there's only been one alterous squishy thing (let's call it a squeeze) on a boy in my grade. Sean, the other person involved in the situation I am about to relate, recently came out to me as a homosexual who crushes on boys and girls; his crushes on girls are only emotional whereas his crushes on boys are emotional and sexual. He had a very big crush on me in middle school. I didn't know what to do with my romance-repulsion and I thought I was a freak for it so I took it all out on him by being cruel to him. Meanwhile, everyone around told me that I should feel flattered, that he was a sweet, smart, funny person, and that it was a nice thing. In a final fit of repulsion at the end of eighth grade I tried to cut him off as I moved to another city. Thank goodness that he still talks to me and that I didn't succeed in that. I told him I would be back in town for two nights and that I would love to meet him if he wanted to, though I totally understood if he didn't. One thing led to another and his family offered to host me for those two nights.

 

Upon meeting Sean that day, I gave him a fierce hug as soon as I saw him and gave him many more throughout the evening. I also held his hand a lot and was generally physically close to him. This was all pretty chill.

 

That night, we decided to cuddle because we had missed each other very much. I felt as if I had three years of physical affection to make up for with him, because I had refused to be physically affectionate with him during seventh grade and eighth grade because of his crush on me, though typically I enjoy being physically affectionate with my friends, and obviously I had not been able to be physically affectionate with him at all when we lived so far apart.

 

Then we started cuddling in bed before going to sleep. I had never cuddled with him before. I told him I'd like to be little spoon and he became the best big spoon I have ever had, though granted, I've only ever seriously spooned with one other person. It started really chill. I was wearing a low-necked t-shirt pajama and long pants and he was just in underwear. Things started getting more intense with time, to the point where if someone had happened to walk in, they would probably wonder what the actual fuck we were doing. There was nuzzling, heavy breathing, hugging so hard we shook, and moaning, and tangling up our legs and arms and stroking each other and figuring out how not to tickle each other, and sometimes I was on top of him, and sometimes vice versa. He also gave me lots of back rubs, at which he is quite skilled, I might add. It was quite intense. Earlier in the night I had asked him if it would be OK if I kissed him on the cheek or arms, and he said no, that it would be weird. I respected that, of course. Later, after things had gotten so heated up, he started kissing my back, and kissing became OK after I asked him if that's what he was doing and he gave answer along the lines of "Yeah. Sorry. Is that weird? I'll stop" and I told him that it was alright, I had just tensed up because no-one had ever kissed me before. He responded "I'd be honored to be your first." Kissing stayed not on the mouth; when he tried once, I pushed him away as I turned my head, and he apologized with something like: "Sorry. Is that too weird? I thought, you know, because everything else was working for you...Sorry." I gave an answer that went something like "Yeah, too weird." After another apology from him and my assurance that I wasn't angry, we went back to cuddling as we had been up to that point.

 

At one point, he turned on the light, despite my protests, to fix the sheets so that it didn't look "like we'd been starring in an amateur porn video" because his mom was going to wake us up if we weren't awake on our own in time to get ready for the Fourth of July parade we were planning on watching. I asked him "What are we doing?" and he shrugged, saying something like "You're getting pleasure from it, right, and that's what's important, right?" I think I now know what had happened, what we had been doing.

 

I had missed him very much and really wanted to be physically affectionate with him while I had the chance, especially after a profound lack of physical affection with him for years. That doesn't explain why I let myself get so...steamy with him and I understand now that I like sensual stuff like that. It's confusing though to try to have that need met, being a sort of romance-repulsed person who can't satiate my sensual drive in romantic relationships who also doesn't want to toy with her friends emotions or mess up her relationships.

 

He had had a very big crush on me and I had forced it to die with being an utter fucking bitch and, of course, I had moved, so this poor, whimpering crush of his finally withered to death. He now has a big crush on his straight best friend, Gavin. He had been using me as a proxy for Gavin, which I realize were obvious from comments he had made while we were cuddling but I had ignored it because I had not wanted to stop.

 

I wish it had actually been ME he was cuddling, ME, his friend Sophie, not a fill-in for Gavin or the idea of me left over from when he had a huge crush on me. I wish that I could get my sensual drive met without complicating my relationships. I don't have a crush on him and I deeply hope that I have not accidentally awakened a dormant, beaten-down crush on me or mislead him that night.

 

We talked about the next morning and he explained that he was kind of confused about what had happened to, that he thought he was just very desperate (I assume he was referring to the reality that he will never get to cuddle with Gavin like that), and that he wasn't straight for me. We agreed that going further would have been uncomfortable. I think of what happened kind of like a one-night stand with a fuckbuddy, but without the fucking part.

 

I'm sorry that this might not be useful to pretty much anyone on here but I needed to get this off of my chest. I don't want to be slut-shamed or accused of toying with Sean's emotions by my friends or family; I told one friend from theater (she's demi) the gist of what had physically gone down but I didn't give her the context of Sean and our relationship. She was supportive and helped me by telling me that I needed to talk to him about what happened so that there was no confusion about what the other wanted our relationship to be. I told my best friend the inverse. She told me to stick to chill cuddling if I don't want straight boys to get crushes on me.

 

That's another part of the issue. Sean isn't out to anyone but me, so I can't fully discuss this with even my best friend because he fiercely told me to not out him to anyone when he came out to me last month. I guess one lesson learned here is that cuddling between an ace girl and a homosexual boy can get confusing and spicy. 

UPDATE: I recently found out that I am the only girl he has ever crushed on.

[Quinoa]

 

Wow, I could have written something VERY similar to this about six years ago. 

 

When I was sixteen, I had a very frightening experience where a person had a crush on me at a camp and was actively pursuing me. I didn't even know I was ace or aro then. I didn't know what to do, so I just avoided him. The whole week. I feel sorry for him now, but I just did not know how to deal with that situation. It didn't help that I was a REALLY shy teenager. 

 

Then, a year later, a friend of mine who was a guy (totally different person) started flirting with me. I pretended it wasn't flirting, since I thought he had implied before that he didn't have a crush on me. Then he suddenly said he had been fairly attracted to me for awhile, and I was totally shocked.

He is now my infamous "bad apple" because after he told me he had a crush on me, he told me I might be asexual but made it seem like it would be horrible and I should try to change it. Whenever something came up where it was apparent that I didn't desire sex or romance like most people, he talked about how sad it was that I didn't understand. He also said I was clueless about society in general and commented on other aspects of my life that he thought I should change, like my clothes, and it got bad enough that I cut off the friendship about a year later. He has since mostly apologized. But I think this is mostly irrelevant to what we're discussing. 

 

Possible TMI ahead. 

Spoiler

The reason I'm bringing this up is because he said he hadn't cuddled with a girl in awhile and wanted to cuddle. So I thought fine, I like cuddling. He asked about kissing, but I hate kissing of any kind, so I said I didn't want to do that. He asked about touching my breasts, and I thought he was joking, so I just laughed it off. We ended up cuddling and he started touching my breasts, at which point I realized he wasn't joking. He started touching me other places too, but I was fine with all of it. When he tried to take of my bra and I didn't want him to, he stopped. I think he kissed my hair once, but that was it. 

Looking back, I'm pretty sure that was romantic and possibly sexual for him. But none of it registered in my brain that way at all. 

 

I think these things are weird when they are between an aro and/or ace and someone who is alloromantic and/or allosexual. I think in that situation, it's highly likely the two people will walk away from the encounter with very different impressions. 

You should probably talk to him. Be very clear that you are not romantically (or sexually) interested in him. If you want to do something like this again, you should decide what/how much you want to do and find out what of this, if any, he wants to do. He might feel like some actions are "leading him on." It might be that these actions register as romantic or sexual in his brain, and he doesn't want to do it again, or doesn't want to do some things again. But you'll have to talk to him about it and let him make those decisions after you make it clear that nothing romantic or sexual will happen. 

Looking back, I would not be opposed to doing everything in the spoiler with someone I trust again. In fact, without the weirdness surrounding it, I would probably like it. Now that I have thought about it, I realize that if it happens again with someone I trust, I can be very clear that I'm not romantically or sexually interested, and let them make decisions about how these things will register in their brain and whether it's a good idea for them. 

Just know that if you want to do things like this and the other person or people do too, there is nothing wrong with it. This took a long time for me to realize. I regretted what happened for a long time because I felt like I wasn't supposed to do it. 

And as aros and aces become more visible, maybe some day it will be easy for us to find cuddle buddies who won't take it the wrong way! That's what I'm hoping. I really like cuddling too, but never initiate it because of the way it can be romantic and/or sexual to most other people. 

[shotinthehand]

39 minutes ago, Quinoa said:

 

Wow, I could have written something VERY similar to this about six years ago. 

 

When I was sixteen, I had a very frightening experience where a person had a crush on me at a camp and was actively pursuing me. I didn't even know I was ace or aro then. I didn't know what to do, so I just avoided him. The whole week. I feel sorry for him now, but I just did not know how to deal with that situation. It didn't help that I was a REALLY shy teenager. 

 

Then, a year later, a friend of mine who was a guy (totally different person) started flirting with me. I pretended it wasn't flirting, since I thought he had implied before that he didn't have a crush on me. Then he suddenly said he had been fairly attracted to me for awhile, and I was totally shocked.

He is now my infamous "bad apple" because after he told me he had a crush on me, he told me I might be asexual but made it seem like it would be horrible and I should try to change it. Whenever something came up where it was apparent that I didn't desire sex or romance like most people, he talked about how sad it was that I didn't understand. He also said I was clueless about society in general and commented on other aspects of my life that he thought I should change, like my clothes, and it got bad enough that I cut off the friendship about a year later. He has since mostly apologized. But I think this is mostly irrelevant to what we're discussing. 

 

Possible TMI ahead. 

  Reveal hidden contents

The reason I'm bringing this up is because he said he hadn't cuddled with a girl in awhile and wanted to cuddle. So I thought fine, I like cuddling. He asked about kissing, but I hate kissing of any kind, so I said I didn't want to do that. He asked about touching my breasts, and I thought he was joking, so I just laughed it off. We ended up cuddling and he started touching my breasts, at which point I realized he wasn't joking. He started touching me other places too, but I was fine with all of it. When he tried to take of my bra and I didn't want him to, he stopped. I think he kissed my hair once, but that was it. 

Looking back, I'm pretty sure that was romantic and possibly sexual for him. But none of it registered in my brain that way at all. 

 

I think these things are weird when they are between an aro and/or ace and someone who is alloromantic and/or allosexual. I think in that situation, it's highly likely the two people will walk away from the encounter with very different impressions. 

You should probably talk to him. Be very clear that you are not romantically (or sexually) interested in him. If you want to do something like this again, you should decide what/how much you want to do and find out what of this, if any, he wants to do. He might feel like some actions are "leading him on." It might be that these actions register as romantic or sexual in his brain, and he doesn't want to do it again, or doesn't want to do some things again. But you'll have to talk to him about it and let him make those decisions after you make it clear that nothing romantic or sexual will happen. 

Looking back, I would not be opposed to doing everything in the spoiler with someone I trust again. In fact, without the weirdness surrounding it, I would probably like it. Now that I have thought about it, I realize that if it happens again with someone I trust, I can be very clear that I'm not romantically or sexually interested, and let them make decisions about how these things will register in their brain and whether it's a good idea for them. 

Just know that if you want to do things like this and the other person or people do too, there is nothing wrong with it. This took a long time for me to realize. I regretted what happened for a long time because I felt like I wasn't supposed to do it. 

And as aros and aces become more visible, maybe some day it will be easy for us to find cuddle buddies who won't take it the wrong way! That's what I'm hoping. I really like cuddling too, but never initiate it because of the way it can be romantic and/or sexual to most other people. 

Thank you for responding; it really helps to find people who have gone through similar things/are wired similarly. When we talked about it afterward I asserted that for me it was platonic and when I made the analogy of us being fuckbuddies but for cuddling he responded "Um, sure" so I think he knows how I feel about it. If I did stir up a crush on me again, maybe it's best that I be able to ignore that fact. Just because I now know that I get repulsed when people crush on me and that I shouldn't take that out on the person who has a crush on me, doesn't mean that I actually will be able to handle my feelings well. It would be very nice if I had a close friend as aroace as me and we were each other's cuddle buddies, but alas, though I am lucky enough to know three aros, two of which are definitely on the ace spectrum, I don't have that kind of intense relationship with any of them. Not to mention, one of them is 24 and kind of my boss at summer camp so EW EW NO TO THAT. My best friend also lives in my old town and I know she wouldn't be OK with that kind of cuddling in a platonic relationship, which I respect, but it does leave me to wonder about my future relationships if my orientations don't change. Maybe I'll have a QPP who meets all of my such needs, maybe I'll actually have a romantic partner (though all precedents make that seem unlikely in my case), or maybe I'll take care of this with a service that caters to people who want there sensual needs met and are also aro and possibly ace. It's hard to even speculate about stuff like this, being fifteen.

[aussiekirkland]

Thank you guys for sharing your sensual experiences, and this kind of reminds me of something that happened to me a year ago. I couldn't talk to anyone about it at the time because it may have seemed contradictory to me being asexual, though I definitely knew it wasn't sexual.

 

So there was this guy A who I had known for 4 years, and he had this onion complex (ogres are like onions lmao). He was pretty mean/hostile, though he was like that with everyone, then in year 12 something just clicked and he started being genuinely friendly with me. I was concerned he might have a crush on me (and after everything that happened I think he did, though I pretended not to notice) but I was just so happy to have finally cracked his shell and he was such a wonderful friend in that final year of school.

 

So we were at lunch (specifically the year 12 room) when he decided to give me a back massage and being the passive/docile person I am I was like "okay?... Cool I guess" and it was actually really amazing. I had to act natural with everyone there though I suspect if they weren't there might have been a bit of moaning. I had to reevaluate my feelings for him, but he helped me realise I was aromantic and that that was a super rare case of very strong sensual attraction.

 

I still don't know if he was just good at massages or if I desperately craved physical contact from him, or maybe both. But I do know that ever since he moved states over 6 months ago I still really miss him. The first story would probably ensue (or at least I would try) if he came back to visit any time soon haha

[brsajo]

3 hours ago, aussiekirkland said:

I still don't know if he was just good at massages or if I desperately craved physical contact from him, or maybe both.

Or maybe you just craved physical contact in general? 

For me I know that when I crave touch or anything like that, it's not tied to any one person. It's more like, it doesn't matter who it is, as long as they are someone I trust enough to fill that role (so when there's only one person I'd trust, it could appear that the craving is for only that person to fulfill it, when in fact they are simply the only one available to do so).

[aussiekirkland]

28 minutes ago, brsajo said:

Or maybe you just craved physical contact in general? 

For me I know that when I crave touch or anything like that, it's not tied to any one person. It's more like, it doesn't matter who it is, as long as they are someone I trust enough to fill that role (so when there's only one person I'd trust, it could appear that the craving is for only that person to fulfill it, when in fact they are simply the only one available to do so).

That's an interesting point, I've never thought about it that way. Though I doubt I'll figure that out any time soon cause I haven't been attracted to anyone in a long time

[Philbo Wiseroot]

5 hours ago, brsajo said:

Or maybe you just craved physical contact in general? 

For me I know that when I crave touch or anything like that, it's not tied to any one person. It's more like, it doesn't matter who it is, as long as they are someone I trust enough to fill that role (so when there's only one person I'd trust, it could appear that the craving is for only that person to fulfill it, when in fact they are simply the only one available to do so).

I'm getting to that point. No one I'm with regularly is OK with physical contact, so I haven't had any in a very long time. In fact, the only person I know who would give me the cuddles we both need is 4800 miles away.

[shotinthehand]

2 hours ago, Pufflehugs04 said:

I'm getting to that point. No one I'm with regularly is OK with physical contact, so I haven't had any in a very long time. In fact, the only person I know who would give me the cuddles we both need is 4800 miles away.

Oh jeez, I'm sorry.

[aussiekirkland]

4 hours ago, Pufflehugs04 said:

I'm getting to that point. No one I'm with regularly is OK with physical contact, so I haven't had any in a very long time. In fact, the only person I know who would give me the cuddles we both need is 4800 miles away.

The only person I might get cuddles from is also 5000km away so I feel you. My two closest friends have a thing about physical affection which of course I respect but also makes me sad

 

I just try to get a lot of hugs from my mum, and it works out cause ever since my sister got a boyfriend she's stopped hugging mum so we're each other's hugging person ^.^

[brsajo]

1 hour ago, aussiekirkland said:

The only person I might get cuddles from is also 5000km away so I feel you. My two closest friends have a thing about physical affection which of course I respect but also makes me sad

 

I just try to get a lot of hugs from my mum, and it works out cause ever since my sister got a boyfriend she's stopped hugging mum so we're each other's hugging person ^.^

I'd be up for hugs if you ever needed it. If you wouldn't find it awkward or weird or anything, of course!

[shotinthehand]

2 minutes ago, brsajo said:

I'd be up for hugs if you ever needed it. If you wouldn't find it awkward or weird or anything, of course!

Should we start a page on Arocalypse dedicated to connecting members in real life? We could post the city we live in and contact each other in private chat or post something for a casual aro-spec meet up, unrelated to activism but just to hang out

[Dodecahedron314]

9 hours ago, Pufflehugs04 said:

I'm getting to that point. No one I'm with regularly is OK with physical contact, so I haven't had any in a very long time. In fact, the only person I know who would give me the cuddles we both need is 4800 miles away.

This happened to me as well once i started college, though my cuddle person is x X "only" 1100 miles away >.< (sorry for typos, my phone is annoying)

[Philbo Wiseroot]

9 hours ago, shotinthehand said:

Oh jeez, I'm sorry.

 

5 hours ago, brsajo said:

I'd be up for hugs if you ever needed it. If you wouldn't find it awkward or weird or anything, of course!

 

Thanks both of you. And @brsajo - bring on the hugs!

 

5 hours ago, shotinthehand said:

Should we start a page on Arocalypse dedicated to connecting members in real life? We could post the city we live in and contact each other in private chat or post something for a casual aro-spec meet up, unrelated to activism but just to hang out

 

This is a great idea. What do you think, @Tal Shi'ar?

[shotinthehand]

Judging from a lot of responses on this thread, I think @Cassiopeia was right when she described aros as a demographic that is high in "touch-starved" and "cuddle-starved" members. I'm sorry that a lot of us are forced into leaving our sensual desires unmet.

[Quinoa]

Yeah, I think people think of aros as people who don't like touch, and that's not true for all aros. It's hard for to find people who want that sort of touch without thinking of it as romantic, or at least without becoming romantically attached. There is no model in society for a "one-night cuddle stand" type of thing. 

[shotinthehand]

21 minutes ago, Quinoa said:

Yeah, I think people think of aros as people who don't like touch, and that's not true for all aros. It's hard for to find people who want that sort of touch without thinking of it as romantic, or at least without becoming romantically attached. There is no model in society for a "one-night cuddle stand" type of thing. 

I think we are creating that model!

[Cassiopeia]

16 hours ago, shotinthehand said:

Judging from a lot of responses on this thread, I think @Cassiopeia was right when she described aros as a demographic that is high in "touch-starved" and "cuddle-starved" members. I'm sorry that a lot of us are forced into leaving our sensual desires unmet.

 

1 hour ago, Quinoa said:

Yeah, I think people think of aros as people who don't like touch, and that's not true for all aros. It's hard for to find people who want that sort of touch without thinking of it as romantic, or at least without becoming romantically attached. There is no model in society for a "one-night cuddle stand" type of thing. 

 

Well, you can pay for a massage, that is the closest you can get. There are people specializing in back rubs or gentle touch...or hot stones, sticks or rollers if you are kinky like that.  (Did I just call massage salons non-sexual brothels? Oh dear...but its kinda true?).

 

But yeah. This should be a thing. Casual cuddling should be something people do. Imagine the aro Tinder for finding cuddle hookups.

Make it so.

[aussiekirkland]

24 minutes ago, Cassiopeia said:

Well, you can pay for a massage, that is the closest you can get. There are people specializing in back rubs or gentle touch...or hot stones, sticks or rollers if you are kinky like that.  (Did I just call massage salons non-sexual brothels? Oh dear...but its kinda true?).

 

But yeah. This should be a thing. Casual cuddling should be something people do. Imagine the aro Tinder for finding cuddle hookups.

Make it so.

Aro tinder sounds amazing

[PerformativeSurprise]

6 hours ago, Cassiopeia said:

 

 

Well, you can pay for a massage, that is the closest you can get. There are people specializing in back rubs or gentle touch...or hot stones, sticks or rollers if you are kinky like that.  (Did I just call massage salons non-sexual brothels? Oh dear...but its kinda true?).

 

 

There are also professional cuddle services.  I know they exist in the US and UK, at least, although I'm not sure if it's a thing elsewhere.  You can pay a "professional cuddler" for a session, and the contracts usually specify it has to remain platonic  

[Quinoa]

Well, I don't like massages, and I probably wouldn't use "aro tinder" because I would worry that creeps with malicious intent would use it. Oh well. 

[Apathetic Echidna]

If I had known I would strike gold I would have dug into the old posts much sooner! What you describe is basically how my only sexual relationship started. Posting on sexuality sites got me a lot of nothing but here I find something relatable! I was very sensually attracted to him, he wanted sexual contact. Things got confusing but we both got what we wanted from our time together with no romantic feelings to set my repulsion off. But I still don't know what this really is! and it is the spanner in the works that keeps throwing up issues in trying to pin down my sexuality to a specific label (which is something I want to do).