Understanding Myself - A-hole or Aro

[Guest ArosVsEros]

Before we begin, I'd like to first point out that I already know the answer to the question posed in the title - I am an asshole. I've a history of cheating on partners, and that's never excusable, so don't go thinking I'm looking for a safe space where I won't get called out for that shitty behaviour. Instead, I'm trying to work out if the problem is trying to force a lifestyle that isn't for me.

I feel like I've been in love. I grieve when relationships end and I miss the good times in hindsight. However, I'm only in love when I'm in the company of my partner. If they're out of sight, they're out of mind. I might think of something that would be fun to do with them, and I'll make time with them religiously because I know that relationships require effort. But I won't really feel that excitement to meet them after the first few meetings. I feel like I stumble into relationships because they would be a smart move - this person is incredible; they would be an excellent partner; I should purse this. 

Inevitably though, I end up hurting them. I'll get bored, or I'll be caught in the web of lies I weaved to obscure my cheating. I hate hurting people, but relationships seem to be an inevitable conclusion to my casual dating, so the hurt is set to continue.

Unless any of you here can relate? I know cheating is wrong, but I don't feel bad about doing it until I'm caught. Am I ignoring the rules of a relationship because there's an aspect of them that I am fundamentally unable to grasp, or am I just a complete sociopath. 

[Holmbo]

Hey

You don't sound like a sociopath to me at least ?

Maybe monagamy just isn't for you. Have you looked into polyamoury or relationship anarchy?

[nonmerci]

I don't think you are a sociopath.

Maybe somewhere on the aro spectrum, I don't know. Polyamory can also be a possibility as you seems to struggle with monogamy, but it also could not be linked if you cheat because the feeling of love have vanished. I don't know, maybe look it up and see if it fits.

I have never been in a relationship so I can't help with that. I know that the one and only time I felt a crush, it lasted only a few weeks, maybe less, and then it completely vanished. I wasn't a strong crush though because I didn't think about it a lot when the person wasn't around. Maybe it is possible your crushes are working the same way, except instead of happen only once it is recurring for you.

Also I can say that this 

On 7/28/2021 at 7:46 PM, Guest ArosVsEros said:

I feel like I stumble into relationships because they would be a smart move - this person is incredible; they would be an excellent partner; I should purse this. 

is the reason why I thought I have crushes, until I realized I was admire some traits or like things about the person, and that decided to have a crush on them was an intellectual decision and not a feeling I had.

[alto]

Maybe...there is a microlabel where attraction fades after getting to know a person.  Frayromantic/sexual, maybe?

[mewix]

I think the problem with cheating is the violation of trust, but yea it probably comes from the whole expectation of having to only be with one person at once.

When your heart wants to explore. That doesn't mean bad treatment though or just use and dump kinda thing that some people do and even use labels like Relationship anarchy as an excuse for that behaviour.

Something like relationship anarchy proper is more like valuing people inherently without clear hierachy, and sort of individual understandings of what you gain from each other. It requires a lot of communication.

If you be honest with someone then that's important thing even if you decide it doesn't work out at least you can be happy with the understanding and discussing what works best between different people. Different people have different expectations although to some extent you can come to an agreement that they may not have by discussing thing deeply.

---

I been cheated on b4 (though I wasn't serious about the relationship it was more a friendship that developed, I kinda wanted to leave anyway...) and the thing that shook me wasn't the fact they were with someone else as much as the amount of dishonesty involved.

In my case I wasn't ever against "open relationships" which I mentioned but they said they only do the one person thingy. Anyways they went crazy after a while and got with several people and then they started acting guilty to me and i got worried till i found out. It made me feel very bad cuz I trusted someone to be honest and the whole communication drop thing. Fixed things eventually after like as friends but yeah this kinda thing is no good for yourself and others.

(At least it helped to secure the fact I don't want relationships)

I'm sure some people do want casual encounters tho and many people are okay with multiple dating in the beginning either just like say you don't feel you want to continue or better right from the start say you are looking for something casual. Which is okay, I dunno though im gonna say if you get uninterested so quickly what is it that you are looking for in others? It is easy to get bored but like I think others aren't really a tool to satisfy you and while its fair not to want long term things it does seem it could become an unhealthy pattern. Now reading I'm thinking maybe the traits you see in others and ones that you would like to develop yourself?

It's also possible to just be friends with such people and get to know them that way. Or there are things like FWB, QPR or just deep friendships of sorts. 

 

Edited July 31, 2021 by mewix

[roboticanary]

Well a fair few other people have already answered that you don't seem like a sociopath. From what description you have gave that sounds right.

The big question I guess is what do you do next. Here are a few suggestions.

1. have another crack at romance

this one I wouldn't recommend myself but if you believe you want to change that continuing desire to cheat I won't rule it out.

2. Try to make an explicitely casual relationship with no pressure for long term commitment.

This one is what I would look for in your position. See if that feels better, I know it is harder sometimes to get that form of relationship but that might be worth it. If the problem is as you say, forcing a lifestyle that is not for you, then you can see if this feels better.

3. Spend some time single

This is another thing, see if you are actually desiring a partner once you spend a little while getting away from the societal pressure to date. You seem to be saying that you stumbled into these relationships rather than really pursued them so maybe having some time to yourself to reflect will help.