Feeling alienated in the lesbian community

[venomous]

Apologies on the long intro, but summing up my question was a bit difficult.

I’ve known I’m on the aromantic spectrum for years, but I recently came to the realisation that I’m gay (or lesbian, whichever term you prefer). It seems like a lot of people are experiencing similar things during this time so I have been in good company.

However, when scrolling through tumblr, it seemed like there was barely any posts about aromantic lesbians. I felt quite discouraged by that since I didn’t feel comfortable with the general lesbian/gay culture tags my friend recommended. I eventually came across a post that summed up my anxiety: wlw culture is very centred around the experience of romantic love. The post itself gave the example of falling in love with your female friends as a very common lesbian experience, and I’ve never felt that.

It’s not just the experience of romantic love, it’s the wanting romantic relationships even in the abstract. There are so many posts about wanting a wife to stroke your hair, and I cannot relate to any of this. I’m all for this content for the people who can relate to it, but I just felt so lonely and unrepresented in a space I had hoped would make me feel seen. I’m not romance repulsed, but I would say I’m a little adverse.

Has anyone else experienced this? Perhaps I’m hanging out in the wrong place on the internet when I’m not on arocalypse.

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

I'm bisexual, not a lesbian, but I absolutely feel the disconnect from the sapphic community. Honestly, femininity in general tends to be pretty heavily associated with romance. Plus, in order to push back against the "predatory lesbian" stereotype, this weird ideal of the Soft Pure Wholesome Fairytale Romance Sweet Pure Soft Wlw Couple Uwu thing has gotten really prevalent, which pushes away those of us who are sexual. Basically being a sapphic aro is just a bad time all around lol

[PissLover2]

On 6/8/2021 at 10:21 AM, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

I'm bisexual, not a lesbian, but I absolutely feel the disconnect from the sapphic community. Honestly, femininity in general tends to be pretty heavily associated with romance. Plus, in order to push back against the "predatory lesbian" stereotype, this weird ideal of the Soft Pure Wholesome Fairytale Romance Sweet Pure Soft Wlw Couple Uwu thing has gotten really prevalent, which pushes away those of us who are sexual. Basically being a sapphic aro is just a bad time all around lol

Yea I feel this. As someone who has a lot of lesbian friends and has seen a lot of what goes on in the community I totally understand where you come from. I seen post about asexual lesbians being called a certain word back in the 90's(I forgot what it was called but it was a positive nickname) and how everyone was saying how cute it was. I see almost nothing about aro lesbians. I feel for all my aro wlws out there. I hope you guys get the rep you deserve 

[PyonPyon]

[self-id: alloromantic sapphic]

I'm not sure if this is positive for you to hear, but... it seems that where I live, it's kinda the opposite. LGBTQIA+ groups in general are quite appreciative of the expression of sexuality in a free and positive way and sapphic spaces have a specific tinge of extremely focused on horniness, sexuality, etc.
I'm alloromantic asexual, so you may think my perception is flawed - well, maybe it would be, but this is not my perception (I'm not in any sapphic groups), but what I was told by many of my allosexual sapphic friends (even an aro lesbian!).

What I'm trying to say with this is... don't give up hopes? I fear more "public" spaces like tumblr may be more subjected to that kind of "discourses" @Jot-Aro Kujomentioned, and be annoyingly focused on "the Soft Pure Wholesome Fairytale Romance Sweet Pure Soft Wlw Couple Uwu thing".
But many other spaces definitely aren't! I don't think it's my country only, I think groups may be better than "open spaces" like tumblr for that, maybe?

Hope you find a space that makes you feel seen :)

Edited June 27, 2021 by PyonPyon

[Holmbo]

Most of my experience of the lesbian community is from what a friend has told me. She's said it's very common for gay women to be coupled up in long term relationships, compared to gay guys that can often be single and in casual relationships.

 

However, she's also said by those who aren't coupled up there are a fair amount who are non-monagamous in various ways. Which might be more something you would enjoy being a part of? But that's in Sweden so it might not be relevant.

[Izel]

That's actually how I figured out I was aroace! A couple of years ago I thought I was a lesbian and just scrolling through the posts I couldn't relate to a single one of them which led to here. But you're right, I've never seen an aro lesbian post and of course if there are any they're just sexualizing lesbians, which leads to the soft wlw thing:

On 6/8/2021 at 8:21 AM, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

Plus, in order to push back against the "predatory lesbian" stereotype, this weird ideal of the Soft Pure Wholesome Fairytale Romance Sweet Pure Soft Wlw Couple Uwu thing has gotten really prevalent, which pushes away those of us who are sexual. Basically being a sapphic aro is just a bad time all around lol

No winning there. There are a couple of good aspec Discords that have people all over the spectrum. Maybe you'd be able to find someone who relates more there. 

Here's one: https://discord.gg/vFbnTYru

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

1 hour ago, Izel said:

No winning there. There are a couple of good aspec Discords that have people all over the spectrum. Maybe you'd be able to find someone who relates more there. 

Here's one: https://discord.gg/vFbnTYru

Oh yeah, I mean, I'm VERY active in the aro community (you've probably seen me around on other platforms). But that doesn't help with the disconnect from the sapphic community at large.

[ilse]

late to the party but as a lesbian, yes, there is a lot of focus on romance in a huge majority of lesbian and sapphic spaces.

being arospec, sometimes i fear i look at women through the "male gaze" whenever i find them sexually attractive and also fear that i am propagating the "predatory lesbian" stereotype by doing such. i am allowed to find women hot, i am allowed to find women sexy, i am allowed to feel sexual desire for women and i am not "damaging" the lesbian community because of it.

On 6/12/2021 at 6:15 PM, PissLover2 said:

I seen post about asexual lesbians being called a certain word back in the 90's(I forgot what it was called but it was a positive nickname) and how everyone was saying how cute it was.

i believe the term you're looking for is bambi lesbian, which did in fact become popular on lesbian tumblr.

On 6/12/2021 at 6:15 PM, PissLover2 said:

I see almost nothing about aro lesbians.

and yes, with the whole "soft cottagecore uwu girlfriends" fantasy being incredibly popular in most if not all sapphic spaces it is quite alienating to see all of this people talking about what they think are universal experiences. posts about aro lesbians are usually about how "valid" we are and that's it, it's hard to find stuff about aro lesbians talking about their experiences (at least on most sites i've been, or we are just mentioned on posts about lesbians in general).

in all honesty, the lesbian community could use more diversity when it comes to this type of things, it does get annoying seeing the same "i want to live in a cottage with my wife and do her hair while sitting on her lap ? uwu" type posts whenever i search up lesbian content.

[venomous]

I really want to thank everyone who replied to this post. I feel a lot less alone and isolated about this subject now. I think in general that arocaplyse is the most positive community I've come across on the internet, and it really feels good to see people genuinely want to help you and suggest things that might work for you.

On 6/8/2021 at 5:21 PM, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

I'm bisexual, not a lesbian, but I absolutely feel the disconnect from the sapphic community. Honestly, femininity in general tends to be pretty heavily associated with romance. Plus, in order to push back against the "predatory lesbian" stereotype, this weird ideal of the Soft Pure Wholesome Fairytale Romance Sweet Pure Soft Wlw Couple Uwu thing has gotten really prevalent, which pushes away those of us who are sexual. Basically being a sapphic aro is just a bad time all around lol

I had honestly not considered the predatory lesbian stereotype when I posed this question. Perhaps that's because I haven't been exposed to a lot of that discourse and my friends have always been very accepting and non-weird about my being attracted to women. This puts the Soft Cottage Lesbian Vibe into perspective a bit for me so thanks.

On 6/13/2021 at 3:15 AM, PissLover2 said:

Yea I feel this. As someone who has a lot of lesbian friends and has seen a lot of what goes on in the community I totally understand where you come from. I seen post about asexual lesbians being called a certain word back in the 90's(I forgot what it was called but it was a positive nickname) and how everyone was saying how cute it was. I see almost nothing about aro lesbians. I feel for all my aro wlws out there. I hope you guys get the rep you deserve 

Thanks for the support!

On 6/27/2021 at 3:24 AM, PyonPyon said:

[self-id: alloromantic sapphic]

I'm not sure if this is positive for you to hear, but... it seems that where I live, it's kinda the opposite. LGBTQIA+ groups in general are quite appreciative of the expression of sexuality in a free and positive way and sapphic spaces have a specific tinge of extremely focused on horniness, sexuality, etc.
I'm alloromantic asexual, so you may think my perception is flawed - well, maybe it would be, but this is not my perception (I'm not in any sapphic groups), but what I was told by many of my allosexual sapphic friends (even an aro lesbian!).

What I'm trying to say with this is... don't give up hopes? I fear more "public" spaces like tumblr may be more subjected to that kind of "discourses" @Jot-Aro Kujomentioned, and be annoyingly focused on "the Soft Pure Wholesome Fairytale Romance Sweet Pure Soft Wlw Couple Uwu thing".
But many other spaces definitely aren't! I don't think it's my country only, I think groups may be better than "open spaces" like tumblr for that, maybe?

Hope you find a space that makes you feel seen :)

That's really interesting how it can differ so much depending on where you "hang out" so to speak. Thanks for the support, and I agree that it might be better to look elsewhere for community.

On 6/27/2021 at 9:19 AM, Holmbo said:

Most of my experience of the lesbian community is from what a friend has told me. She's said it's very common for gay women to be coupled up in long term relationships, compared to gay guys that can often be single and in casual relationships.

 

However, she's also said by those who aren't coupled up there are a fair amount who are non-monagamous in various ways. Which might be more something you would enjoy being a part of? But that's in Sweden so it might not be relevant.

That's definitely something I can look into. I haven't had the best experience with this in the past, but I like the idea of creating your own relationship dynamics without being pinned down by how things "should be". I suppose that can be said for a lot of aromantics.

 

On 6/28/2021 at 9:04 PM, Izel said:

That's actually how I figured out I was aroace! A couple of years ago I thought I was a lesbian and just scrolling through the posts I couldn't relate to a single one of them which led to here. But you're right, I've never seen an aro lesbian post and of course if there are any they're just sexualizing lesbians, which leads to the soft wlw thing:

No winning there. There are a couple of good aspec Discords that have people all over the spectrum. Maybe you'd be able to find someone who relates more there. 

Here's one: https://discord.gg/vFbnTYru

Thanks, I will definitely have a look at the Discord server.

49 minutes ago, ilse said:

late to the party but as a lesbian, yes, there is a lot of focus on romance in a huge majority of lesbian and sapphic spaces.

being arospec, sometimes i fear i look at women through the "male gaze" whenever i find them sexually attractive and also fear that i am propagating the "predatory lesbian" stereotype by doing such. i am allowed to find women hot, i am allowed to find women sexy, i am allowed to feel sexual desire for women and i am not "damaging" the lesbian community because of it.

i believe the term you're looking for is bambi lesbian, which did in fact become popular on lesbian tumblr.

and yes, with the whole "soft cottagecore uwu girlfriends" fantasy being incredibly popular in most if not all sapphic spaces it is quite alienating to see all of this people talking about what they think are universal experiences. posts about aro lesbians are usually about how "valid" we are and that's it, it's hard to find stuff about aro lesbians talking about their experiences (at least on most sites i've been, or we are just mentioned on posts about lesbians in general).

in all honesty, the lesbian community could use more diversity when it comes to this type of things, it does get annoying seeing the same "i want to live in a cottage with my wife and do her hair while sitting on her lap ? uwu" type posts whenever i search up lesbian content.

Oh yeah, I had noticed those validation posts too. I think the idea behind them is nice, but anyone can write those. It would be nice to talk to more people you can identify with. I appreciate the validation, I do, but sometimes I need more than the "you are allowed to exist exactly the way you are" thing.

I'd like for there not to be any universally acknowledged experiences for sexual and romantic identities in general, but I think that would take away from some people so I realise it's not a realistic ask.

The slightly funny thing about this vine in the sapphic community is that I'm not against the cottage core aesthetic (I feel like I can't be since I have a vase with wildflowers on my dining table right now that I picked yesterday evening as the sun was setting over the fields), but the way it's very much romanticised (and I mean that both as a way of life and the way it's been applied as a sapphic life goal) just doesn't appeal to me. I picked my wildflowers with my best friend, and the experience was so much greater with her as a platonic thing than any date I've ever had.