"Romantic promiscuity"

[Queen of Spades]

No need to mention that people who have had many sexual partners throughout their lifetime are generally labelled as promiscuous, sluttish and whatnot. While these labels are justified in certain cases (e.g. cheating, leading people on, you name it), it is the other side to the coin that I want to point out to. We are humans and sex is a need. Finding a partner for a committed relationship, on the other hand, is not as easy. Therefore, I see nothing wrong with a single person who sleeps sporadically with various people (as long as they treat them with respect, of course) and then settle to sleeping with their significant other only as soon as they find one. I mean, are they supposed to be abstinent for as long as it takes them to find a right person to be in a relationship with? However, everyone seems to distrust such persons from the start: "they've slept with many people before, they're sluts, etc." - but to me, it seems they're oblivious to the real red flag, which I want to talk about. What about persons who have had multiple romantic (not necessarily sexual) partners in the past? I know a woman who throughout one year had no less than 4 boyfriends. It is these kind of people that one should be aware of. It is clear that such people are shallow if they are able to switch their (self-proclaimed) love from one person to another this quickly. It means they don't really know what they want, and if you risk dating them, it'll only be a matter of time (1-2 years at best) until they dump you, too. 

Edited January 1, 2021 by Queen of Spades

[Holmbo]

Why does romance have to be forever to be meaningful? Maybe they like brief romantic relationships same as someone else might like brief sexual ones. As long as they're upfront about their preferences I don't see anything amoral about that. 

However if they are staying they want their romantic relationships to be "forever" maybe they need to explore their pattern. Do they jump to quickly into a romantic relationship perhaps, mistaking the high of a new connection for romantic love. Do they have a need for approval which they feel the need for romantic love to satisfy. Are they a serial monogamist, unsure on how to function without a romantic partner to relate to. 

In general though, I don't see anything superior with having longer romantic relationships than brief ones.

 

[boba]

idk friend, some people "catch feels" easily (for lack of better words.) I don't think you can control who you are romantically attracted to, or not. Or even how frequently you're attracted to people, or not. If someone is truly interested in people, but that romantic attraction fades and redevelops quickly. It's kind of out of their control, and I don't think shaming them is helpful.

Also, I think there's nothing really wrong with casual or short-term dating. Sometimes, it really is just a fun thing to do (not that I have any experience lol) I think the key in any relationship is to communicate intentions early on. So if a person knows that they want to keep it brief and casual, they should state that at the beginning. And if they don't know for sure how they feel about the seriousness or duration of a relationship, then they should say that too because that is also a great form of communication.

That being said, I do think there are people who date not just because it's fun or because they're romantically attracted to the people they date, but because they don't know how to be single or because they equate their value with their relationships. Does that make sense? Even then, idk if shaming is the key, I kind of just feel bad for them and the people they could hurt along the way

 

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

Eh, I wouldn't really call sex a need, tbh... And I think there's a lot of reasons people go through a lot of romantic relationships in a short span of time.

[nonmerci]

6 hours ago, Queen of Spades said:

We are humans and sex is a need.

I would not say it that way (this way, it's like saying asexuals are not human... that's probably not what you meant, but it hurt a bit).

6 hours ago, Queen of Spades said:

I know a woman who throughout one year had no less than 4 boyfriends. It is these kind of people that one should be aware of. It is clear that such people are shallow if they are able to switch their (self-proclaimed) love from one person to another this quickly. It means they don't really know what they want, and if you risk dating them, it'll only be a matter of time (1-2 years at best) until they dump you, too. 

I think it all depends on the person. If the person they date know from the start they are for short-time relationship, then everything is clear and I don't think it's a bad thing, just their way of being. If the partner complain about that even if he/she/they were told from the start, for me the one to blame is the partner, not the one who explained it in the first place.

Now, if the person didn't say anything, it all depends on the intentions : did this person only wants to have fun for a few times with a romantic partner, or was the investissment in the relationship serious? If the person played with the other feelings, that's not ok. But otherwise, I think people can't really control their feelings, and maybe they are not aware of it and always think the next one will be "the one". Sometimes they experiment, I guess dating is a way to know if you get along or fall in love with the person in this case; and if not, well, it's logical to stop the relationship.

Besides, I'm not sure that a relationship is meaningfull because it's long. The fact that it didn't last doesn't invalid the feelings involved in the first place, in my opinion.

 

Don't get me wrong, I get when you're coming from. That's not fair that someone who has multiple sexual relationships is seen as a slut, immature, and everything else, when having multiple romantic relationships is not demonized, even if it is not different. However, I don't think that critcizing people with short romantic relationship is the solution. The best would be that none of this situation is seen as wrong, as long as the people involved are clear about their needs.

[DeltaAro]

6 hours ago, Queen of Spades said:

We are humans and sex is a need.

Sex is not a need like food or shelter, which is necessary for survival. I would've noticed, in COVID heydays it's impossible* for me to have any.

It's still a physiological drive.... basically it depends on the person.... from aces to people who get quite psychologically unstable without it for too long.

 * difficult, dangerous and illegal to initiate without navigating 1000000 capriciously ever-changing COVID bylaws, though nobody really cares about them anyway

5 hours ago, Holmbo said:

Maybe they like brief romantic relationships same as someone else might like brief sexual ones. As long as they're upfront about their preferences I don't see anything amoral about that. 

In all fairness, "amoral" is a strong accusation. It seems just "absurd" to me. The pretensions don't fit the reality.  ??? ? => dumped after 3 months.

[DeltaAro]

39 minutes ago, nonmerci said:

I think it all depends on the person. If the person they date know from the start they are for short-time relationship, then everything is clear and I don't think it's a bad thing, just their way of being. If the partner complain about that even if he/she/they were told from the start, for me the one to blame is the partner, not the one who explained it in the first place.

It's something alloromantics really cannot know beforehand. And I don't even think it's AMORAL to break somebody's heart.

Of course, if they have strong empirical evidence that their romantic relationships just last 3-6 months on average, they perhaps could warn their prospective partners. But when does this ever happen? That's 100% aro-logic, "Dear Alice, my romantic relationships don't last very long. Don't expect more than 3 month. 6 would be my record. With Love, Bob". Realistically it doesn't work that way. Virtually never. Not showering with over-the-top declarations of love and giving some implicit hints that this isn't serious is the that can be expected from them.

[Queen of Spades]

2 hours ago, nonmerci said:

I would not say it that way (this way, it's like saying asexuals are not human... that's probably not what you meant, but it hurt a bit).

I think it all depends on the person. If the person they date know from the start they are for short-time relationship, then everything is clear and I don't think it's a bad thing, just their way of being. If the partner complain about that even if he/she/they were told from the start, for me the one to blame is the partner, not the one who explained it in the first place.

Now, if the person didn't say anything, it all depends on the intentions : did this person only wants to have fun for a few times with a romantic partner, or was the investissment in the relationship serious? If the person played with the other feelings, that's not ok. But otherwise, I think people can't really control their feelings, and maybe they are not aware of it and always think the next one will be "the one". Sometimes they experiment, I guess dating is a way to know if you get along or fall in love with the person in this case; and if not, well, it's logical to stop the relationship.

Besides, I'm not sure that a relationship is meaningfull because it's long. The fact that it didn't last doesn't invalid the feelings involved in the first place, in my opinion.

 

Don't get me wrong, I get when you're coming from. That's not fair that someone who has multiple sexual relationships is seen as a slut, immature, and everything else, when having multiple romantic relationships is not demonized, even if it is not different. However, I don't think that critcizing people with short romantic relationship is the solution. The best would be that none of this situation is seen as wrong, as long as the people involved are clear about their needs.

1. You're right - my wording was wrong and I am sorry. I didn't mean to hurt or erase asexual people. 

2. Dating a person doesn't necessarily mean you're also in a romantic relationship with them, right? Isn't it just like hanging out in order to get to know them better? In any case, what I meant is that I can't wrap my head around situations where someone claims they love their romantic partner with all their heart, and then they repeat the exact same words to someone else only a brief while later.. I mean, if you truly loved the person you've just broken up with, can you really come to love someone new in a matter of weeks, or even days? Aren't you supposed to be devastated? 

 

 

 

[DeltaAro]

3 hours ago, Queen of Spades said:

I mean, if you truly loved the person you've just broken up with, can you really come to love someone new in a matter of weeks, or even days? Aren't you supposed to be devastated? 

Yes. One should assume so. We just have to accept that some romantic behavior is not always understandable for aros and feels like it came from an alien species rather than from humans. So what to do? Better just ignore it in alloromantics and focus on what we like and understand.

6 hours ago, nonmerci said:

Besides, I'm not sure that a relationship is meaningfull because it's long. The fact that it didn't last doesn't invalid the feelings involved in the first place, in my opinion.

I'm not so sure. It resembles a confused senator who gives a grand, passionate speech in support for a law -- a speech from the bottom of his heart ... but the law has already been passed.

The fact that the law has already been passed, does not invalidate the senator's feelings. They were genuine. The speech was still ridiculous, IMHO.

[MulticulturalFarmer]

6 hours ago, DeltaV said:

It's something alloromantics really cannot know beforehand. And I don't even think it's AMORAL to break somebody's heart.

Of course, if they have strong empirical evidence that their romantic relationships just last 3-6 months on average, they perhaps could warn their prospective partners. But when does this ever happen? That's 100% aro-logic, "Dear Alice, my romantic relationships don't last very long. Don't expect more than 3 month. 6 would be my record. With Love, Bob". Realistically it doesn't work that way. Virtually never. Not showering with over-the-top declarations of love and giving some implicit hints that this isn't serious is the that can be expected from them.

Ya, the reaction would be, so.. you're one of them serial monogamists.. huh? Though granted society does teach a lot of people when they are in throes of romantic feelings to just ignore such statements and dive into the relationship headfirst, perhaps (but not always) with the hope that you might be able to change the person if you love them enough (and no, it's not specific to one societally defined binary gender).

[nonmerci]

12 hours ago, Queen of Spades said:

Dating a person doesn't necessarily mean you're also in a romantic relationship with them, right? Isn't it just like hanging out in order to get to know them better? I

Oh yes, I always forget dating in France and in the USA is different. Except the first (romantic) dates in France, it is not likely that you are dating someone if not in a romantic relationship. While in the USA if I get it, it is more common to have multiple dates and only become a romantic couple after a big talk about it. Which confuses me a lot.

 

12 hours ago, Queen of Spades said:

I mean, if you truly loved the person you've just broken up with, can you really come to love someone new in a matter of weeks, or even days? Aren't you supposed to be devastated? 

I think it depends. If you are the one who broke up, I don't think it's logical to be devasted because the relationship probably didn't work for you, so break-up was the logical thing to do. It is different if you are not the one you broke-up I guess.

I don't think people in romantic relationship are necessarily in love, or the "I love you" thing is ridiculous. They feel romantic attraction yes, but romantic love? I'm not sure.

Then I also think that some people are more in love with the idea of being in a romantic relationship than with their romantic partner. Some people have difficulties to live without a romantic relationship, which can explain why these relationships don't last.

[DeltaAro]

On 1/2/2021 at 2:56 AM, MulticulturalFarmer said:

Ya, the reaction would be, so.. you're one of them serial monogamists.. huh? Though granted society does teach a lot of people when they are in throes of romantic feelings to just ignore such statements and dive into the relationship headfirst, perhaps (but not always) with the hope that you might be able to change the person if you love them enough (and no, it's not specific to one societally defined binary gender).

I think the reactions would be like:

90%   : "What the hell is wrong with you?"

9.9%   : "Oh, ... a challenge! How mysterious, how exciting! ?"

0.1%   : "Warning acknowledged. Computing... Result: Committing to pursue romantic relationship regardless. End."

0.0%  : "That's really sad, because I was looking for something more stable."