Am I doing the right thing?

[GhostyPeppers]

So...after promising myself i would never enter a romantic relationship again (made after I accepted my aromantic identity), I went ahead and got into yet another relationship.

See, what happened was that I started playfully flirting with a friend of a friend (who i wanted to get to know better anyway). I think I mainly did it because I found them somewhat attractive, plus they seemed very sweet! Yet as we slowly started to spend more time together, the flirting became less casual and they even started dropping hints back. After a bit of a back and forth, we finally opened up to each other and expressed interest in making this a thing. They are fully aware that Im a-spec and is ok with dating an aro person!

At the moment I was very happy and excited, but now looking back at it a day later...did I do the right thing? I know some aros still chose to be in romantic relationships for whatever reason, but i feel like i'm "leading them on" or something. Am I a bad person for getting into a relationship I might not be fully invested in??

I basically told myself that I wasn't going to stress over the romantic relationship like Ive had in the past, that it was going to be "casual", and if it doesn't turn out good, then i could remain friends with them. I like romance in fiction, and i do enjoy romantic elements irl (kissing, dates, etc), its mainly the attraction part that still takes me for a ride. I don't know if im completely aro, aroflux, frey, cupio...I'm feeling a lot of mixed feelings right now.

TL;DR:

I hooked up with someone I was interested in (in one way or another) and Its making me further question my aro identity that I was previously comfortable with. Did I make an oopsie?

 

Hope this post was a t least somewhat coherent. Not the best with this stuff.

[nonmerci]

Well if this person is aware you are aro and know what to expect from you, I don't see the problem. If you didn't do it yet, just talk with talk with them about what you want from this relationship and let them decide if they are ok with it.

[hermi1e]

It's totally ok to be aro in a romo relationship, as long as it's something u want. The main thing here might be communication, tho. Mebe let them know what romo activities ur comfortable with, how often u wanna spend time together, what ur attraction to them feels like, whenever ur uncomfy with smth, etc. Like @nonmerci said, it's best if they know what to expect from u and the relationship. Ur not leading someone on if they know what's goin down  

About ur identity: eeeee. This can be tricky. The main thing to focus on, imo, might be what type of attraction ur feeling. (Remember, tho this might sound obv, labels are meant to describe feelings.) If ur feeling romo attraction, this might help know if ur aro-spec. Untangling and labeling feelings of attraction can be time consuming and frustrating, but you'll figure it out. U got this! Feel free to talk more about this here, we're happy to listen and help out. 

Congrats on starting a relationship! i hope it works out the way u want it to.

[Queasy_Attention]

Oh, man, what a toughie. I mean, on paper, yeah if you've told them you're a-spec and they said they were fine with that, then sure you're in the clear. But, yknow, things that work in theory don't always work in practice.

Obviously I don't know any of the details about you as a person or this other person, or the relationship between you two leading up to this point-- But, I dunno, that post-decision-worry-regret really, really hits home for me. I stayed in a few relationships after experiencing this, an exciting buildup and a genuine want to start some sort of relationship (whether that was down to platonic attraction, physical attraction, some cocktail of my mental and social stuff saying "YEAH SURE A RELATIONSHIP WOULD BE GREAT" or whatever)-- that quickly faded to "oh god why did I do this, this was a mistake" after we actually started dating. And I didn't bring it up at all, to any of my partners. And that........ led to some bridges being burned. (I'm literally just projecting my baggage onto ur situation, so like in no way am I saying this is gonna happen to u, I just mean this is the angle I'm kinda coming from.)

There's a stereotype that whenever allos ask us aros for relationship advice it always boils down to either "talk to each other" or "break up," but seriously I think you should bring this up. If it's something specifically about the relationship between you two that you're experiencing strong emotions for, then I think it kind of does concern them too (not that you have to tell them every single thought you have or tell them immediately-- just a general "hey I was excited about this and now I'm nervous and feel xyz because zxy.") Plus, if they really do care about you, I don't think they'd want you to be worried and upset in the first place.

All in all it's up to you to decide what's gonna make you feel happy, safe, and comfortable. If being in a relationship-- even as an aro-- is gonna do that, then yeah, I think it'll turn out well! And if it turns out that you realize you don't actually want this, then that's okay too. I think the most important part is being honest with yourself, first and foremost.

As for the last bit-- no, you didn't make a mistake. I look back at my past relationships and cringe because of things that I did or said, but I don't really view them as mistakes. What happened happened, and it was only ever gonna happen that way. Same thing here-- you're doing your best. I really hope things work out for u ghosty ❤️

[Giu]

I don't think you've done anything wrong! The important thing from here on out is to just consistently communicate with the other person about your needs, wants, and what you're able to provide to the relationship, and for them to do the same thing back to you. As long as you're both on the same page, then things can continue, and if after a few conversations you realise you both have incompatible expectations of one another, you can break things off amicably before they escalate. As they're already aware you're a-spec and are comfortable dating an aromantic person, I reckon you don't have too much to worry about, but maybe talking to them about how you feel is a good idea? 

[roboticanary]

No idea if you are doing the right thing.

I guess just give it a go, if it turns out to be a mistake, well, you learn from it and try something else next time.

[clownblegh]

I’ve been in a v similar situation. For me, it was before I realized I’m probably on the aro spectrum. (Which was unfortunate as the other person just assumed it was a regular allo relationship and expected such things. but that whole thing is not for rn lol) but I had that same exact anxiety after the initial “omg a relationship ?” fuzzy haze cleared. 

 

The thing about life is that there’s hardly ever situations in your personal life where there’s an obvious “right thing” to do. You just have to do things with good intentions and see where they lead you. If this person knows and is genuinely okay with dating an aro-spec person, then you have done nothing wrong. You didn’t lead them on because they were aware of the situation and wanted to be a part of it.

 

But as other people have said: you should talk to this person and discuss boundaries and expectations for the relationship. (Those things are really important in any kind of relationship.) Because it’s easy for a person to say, in theory, that they would be okay dating someone aro(or ace)-spec but, in practice, it can be difficult/different for each person. Some people can’t actually get the things they need from this kind of relationship. Which is definitely no one’s fault, everyone has different wants/needs for their personal relationships (& that’s completely okay and understandable) but you have to know these things beforehand so that you know if it’s right for you both. Because if it’s not, then it would definitely be best to not be together. (As sad as that could be) it would be better for you both that way. 

 

Now I don’t think you’re an actual bad person for getting into a relationship you might not be fully invested in. (You would only be a bad person if you got into it w/the intention of hurting someone or while being fully aware that you’d hurt someone & not caring about that.) BUT I doubt that’s what you’re doing, again, as you said: the person knows & is okay with the prospects of dating an aro-spec person. So you have not done anything wrong. 

 

It’s okay if you don’t know if you’re completely aro or something else. This answer doesn’t always come easily to everyone. If you still want to identify as a-spec right now, you definitely can. Know that it’s completely okay if down the line you realize that a label doesn’t fit you as well. That’s what labels are for: to help you understand yourself. Sometimes they change and sometimes they don’t. There’s nothing wrong with either of those. Realizing that one doesn’t fit anymore doesn’t mean anything bad. It doesn’t mean that you were “wrong” “lying” or “faking”. It just means that you’ve learned about yourself more, which is a good thing. 

 

Personally, I still have no clear idea for myself either so I just say I’m aro-spec as it works as an umbrella term and I just relate more to the aro experience than the allo one. If you feel the same, you can do the same. 

 

At the end of the day, what you need to take away is: you won’t always have all the answers right away (that’s fine), all you can do is live however makes you comfortable. Don’t force anything that doesn’t feel right to you. (And it wouldn’t hurt to regularly ask yourself why some things don’t feel right)

 

I hope you find your answer and solution xxx

Edited August 25, 2020 by punknoya
Slight misspelling lol

[GhostyPeppers]

Update: After a few months we broke up, but are remaining as friends!

I guess I'm ok with that since I was starting to lose interest in the relationship and he probably was too. I don't know, I tried being "romantic", but it just didn't work out.

i do feel sad, but I can't tell if its because of the breakup or if I just...secretly wish I was "normal". I still suffer majorly from internalized arophobia despite being a supporter of other ace/aro people for years. I guess its different when you have to deal with it yourself.

Anyway, I appreciate the support you all gave me nonetheless! I think aro people who still choose to be involved in romantic relationships are valid as heck, I wish I could though. Maybe I could try QPRs one day.