LBMango Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 I've recently seen a lot of emotional health things going .around saying "You are valued. You are special. You are loved." And I understand that to a lot of people this is an important thing to be reminded of. And the 1st two I have no issues with... But I am not sure that I'm loved. I'm LIKED, I have plenty of friends. I understand that there's platonic love, and familial love, etc, it's not just romantic love. But I'm not sure that I experience any of those either... And it bothers me that not feeling "loved" is equated to valuelessness... Is that part of Aro? Is that part of being vaguely (VERY VERY VAGUELY) on the Asperger's spectrum? Is it just part of depression? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Apex Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 I do feel loved; I have family and friends who love me. Although, I don't think there's love in all of my relationships; like you said, there's a difference between a friend liking you and platonic love. And that's fine with me. Personally, I've never cared for those "You're special, you're loved!" mental health things. Having a stranger tell me that I'm loved does nothing for me. They don't know me or my circumstances. Some people feel helped by those words of encouragement & I think that's a great, but usually it just seems... really shallow? If someone is depressed, etc., then they're going to need a lot more than that. I also agree that there's an issue with the love = value thing. Personally I feel like the majority of people need some positive connections in their lives (be it with family, friends, a mentor, a pet, whatever), but I don't think it should define the worth of someone's life. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nonmerci Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 1 hour ago, aepaex said: If someone is depressed, etc., then they're going to need a lot more than that. I agree. I've been there and really, knowing hat I was loved by my familly doesn't help me at all, because my suicidal thoughts had nothing to do with that (in fact it was ma not liking/loving myself (I put the two terms because I am not quite sure of the difference English native speakers make), and not loving what I was doing with my life). (I'm not saying that depression can't be caused by the feeling of not being loved, but even when it is, just a random stranger saying "You are loved" on the Internet won't help on the long term... it may can help when you are asking for this in the Internet but not in long term) And as you say, this kind of sentences like "you are loved", "you are special"... that's just so general and shallow. If you could say the same thing to anyone else, it doesn't count for me. I think that love is one of the thing that makes people feel valuated (don't know if it's a bad or good thing because you can be a horrible person and be loved for some aspects of you personality anyway). But their are so much things that can make a person value. In fact I personally think life in itself has to be valuated, and that reduce it to own criteria will always left some people behind. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark Posted December 18, 2019 Share Posted December 18, 2019 3 hours ago, aepaex said: Personally, I've never cared for those "You're special, you're loved!" mental health things. Having a stranger tell me that I'm loved does nothing for me. They don't know me or my circumstances. Some people feel helped by those words of encouragement & I think that's a great, but usually it just seems... really shallow? If someone is depressed, etc., then they're going to need a lot more than that. This could be Toxic Positivity or a case of wrong Love Language. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nonmerci Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 13 hours ago, Mark said: This could be Toxic Positivity or a case of wrong Love Language. Thanks for the link of toxic positivity, I didn't know the term but know the concept (now I have a word to explain what the movie Inside Out is all about lol). 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueKumul Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 I feel loved by my cousin and my best friend. I think that's enough. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunny Posted December 19, 2019 Share Posted December 19, 2019 23 hours ago, LBMango said: But I am not sure that I'm loved. I'm LIKED, I have plenty of friends. I understand that there's platonic love, and familial love, etc, it's not just romantic love. But I'm not sure that I experience any of those either... And it bothers me that not feeling "loved" is equated to valuelessness... Is that part of Aro? Is that part of being vaguely (VERY VERY VAGUELY) on the Asperger's spectrum? Is it just part of depression? These are all thoughts that you're 100% allowed to have (I know I've felt all of this ) and I like pressing that first. That being said, I think not feeling loved, and the sort of "loss of value" from not feeling loved, comes from a struggle within the self to not see your inherent worth. It's hard to equate worth to yourself (you're talking to the King of it, pal) if we don't connect it to other people, but when we establish other's inherent value, we have to equate that to ourselves. people are whole without other people loving them. you are also whole without being loved. you do not need the love of others to be someone worth taking up space, worth existing, etc. i find feeling like you're unloved is a mesh of a lot of the things you mentioned. (depression makes it hard to feel, asperger's may make the emotions that are being shown even more confusing! being aro makes it hard to discern what "qualifies" as love since most feels like an intangible... thing, yeah?) the plain fact of day that we forget that we are not in charge or able to fully gather and read people's emotions. we can't tell people how they feel! we can guess, and sometimes we're right, but we're also impossibly wrong. you cannot say with certainty that no one loves you, you don't know. (and i realize this goes into love languages, into what "love" is and all that jargon. let's stick with the "everyone has their definition of love and it's very individualistic" take for now.) your family can love you, your friends can love you, but i wholly understand the frustration of not being able to see it, or feel it. though it might genuinely be there, but blinders could be on. sometimes you don't need that direct "yes, i love you" but sometime sit really helps to hear. maybe finding the way to get closer to people you care about (those you're secure and safe with, if you have those people) to get some quality time might alleviate those feelings? but i think it goes down a lot into like, needing approval of others to feel whole/worthy. that's a really hard habit to bite, but doing things for yourself, tasks that have end results, that all really helps me when i'm swathed in an emotional puddle. this seems a little clunky, part is due to a bit of brain fog. lemme know if i need to expand/condense/clarify! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LBMango Posted December 19, 2019 Author Share Posted December 19, 2019 20 hours ago, Mark said: This could be Toxic Positivity or a case of wrong Love Language. I think that it's both of these. I have very frequently have a very strong reaction to toxic positivity. So, that's part of the problem. Also, my primary love language is touch, which, for men in American culture, at least, is pretty much limited to romantic relationships... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aro_elise Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 yes, i feel loved most of all by myself, also by my best friend, and other friends and family. i do find it odd that that's such a common reassurance because to me it was never a concern, but i guess for many people it is? i think my problem with it is that i don't think it should be emphasized as a reason to consider oneself worthy (as @LBMango mentioned) or to stay alive, etc. i mean, one of my reasons is that i want to share my life with my best friend, but not the only one, and idk, the phrasing seems weird, like i wouldn't say life is worth living ~because she loves me~. like i'm not depressed because i don't feel loved or worthy, i'm just depressed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 23 hours ago, LBMango said: Also, my primary love language is touch, which, for men in American culture, at least, is pretty much limited to romantic relationships... I wonder how much romantic coding may also be an issue with Quality time, Receiving gifts and Acts of service. Since "Positivity Posts" are Words of affirmation only. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NullVector Posted December 20, 2019 Share Posted December 20, 2019 On 12/19/2019 at 9:23 AM, nonmerci said: I didn't know the term but know the concept (now I have a word to explain what the movie Inside Out is all about lol) Princess Unikitty in the Lego movie is also a fun example of it On 12/19/2019 at 4:35 PM, LBMango said: Also, my primary love language is touch, which, for men in American culture, at least, is pretty much limited to romantic relationships... Ugh, yes, being a Man™️ can be annoying like that. So constraining... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr. Aromantic Posted January 23, 2020 Share Posted January 23, 2020 What exactly is "love" anyway??? When I help someone, I help myself. When I show kindness to another person, I get kindness in return. That's all that's important to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 On 12/19/2019 at 4:35 PM, LBMango said: Also, my primary love language is touch, which, for men in American culture, at least, is pretty much limited to romantic relationships... There's this article about the matter. Though the author still seems to favour the romantic coding to touch to an extent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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