AutistAro Posted January 20, 2019 Share Posted January 20, 2019 Anyone else yearn for ‘something more’, but a romantic relationship isn’t it? I’m pretty sure the reason I think these things and feel so distraught is because of all the romantic saturation in Western society. Ya’ll know what I’m talking about. All those ‘finding the one’ stories and giving everything up for your ‘one true love’. Those ‘I’m miserable but I found someone and now my life has meaning’. Those ‘friends to lovers’ stories. Soulmates. I was an avid shipper. It wasn’t until my online friends announced their dating status that I...broke? Not one, but TWO couples. Aiyaiyai. I was heartbroken. Because I thought they were going to ignore the group chat. Ignore me. Hell, I thought I was being invasive if I private messaged them. I just, didn’t know what to do. And I got so fed up with the shipping bulls*it. The romance. The soulmate AUs. The pairing up of every character and having the aro character happy to be alone and totally uninterested in being with anyone. Shipping. The thing that fueled me and made me fuzzy and happy now hurts and feels stupid. Like. I don’t want to be alone. I’ve realized, after coming out of my autistic head, that I actually like talking to people. I like having friends. Better yet, I love spending time with people I really like. Love chatting about interests or whatever. Small talk with those I care about and really like isn’t uncomfortable nor dumb. But realizing that a lot of people don’t want to get that close with their friends. Hell, what do I even want these days? Do I really want that intimacy I’ve read and seen so much about? Do I really want to be vulnerable with people I wholeheartedly trust? Then I wonder, what if someone reciprocated what I felt for them? Would I like that? Would I be put off? Would I want to go back to not knowing them that well? Or what if they want more of my time? More of my attention? I’ve never dated. Never been interested in that. I was too self-absorbed and in my own head back then to even understand people. So, I have no experience whatsoever. None. Zero. Zip. Nada. I just don’t know what I want with people. And even now I go in circles. I daydream and see myself with them, or with some faceless figure, doing all sorts of things. Romantic, platonic whatever. Point is we’re close. Really close. Then I snap back to reality and feel so...lost. Not disgusted, no. But...would they or anyone really want to be that close to me? I’ve read a lot of ‘found family’ stories. Stories where all the characters care for each other and try their hardest to be there for each other. They won’t sacrifice anything, but...they’re close. Relationships of all kinds take effort, I know that. You can’t control who people would rather spend their time with. I know all that. I think I’m going in circles now. Sorry. But it’s frustrating when I think about it. I really think it’s that amatonormativity. The strongest bond with ‘friends’ is nothing compared to ‘romantic partners’. Romance trumps all. This society I live in has too many restrictions with ‘friends’ and ‘partners’. It sucks. It really sucks. I hate amatonormativity. I’m not too concerned with finding a specific label for me. AroAce is fine. I’m fluctuating too much, and I’d really love to just be indifferent and move on. Agh. Anyone else struggling with these sorts of feelings? I figured my...solution is to write fanfics relating to these feelings. I’m a little scared my friends will read it and...know. But coming out seems scary. Especially because...what if they think I’m crushing on them when I’m not? Or they feel uncomfortable that I’d like to be a bit closer and they don’t want to? Ahh. Feelings. Relationships. Humans. Why it gotta be so complicated dammit. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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