AutistAro

Oh ma goodness. It's been forever. 2020 has been a poop show. Wtfffffff

Around late December guilt about cutting people off really bothered me. Fast forward to I think...late July? I reconnected with one person. Apologized to others but left it at that. I was forgiven by all of them which shook me. I lowkey wanted them to hate me (though one of em was vert upset, but we good now ig).

There's this new-ish person I was interested in befriending, but that fire burned out like two months ago lol. I don't know whats up with me and 'wanting to befriend people'. 

I also learned I'm aegosexual and aegoromantic! I like that stuff when it's happening to others. Particularly fictional characters. Cuz. Fiction. Let your imagination loose. It explains why I can't seem to get away from fluffy fanfics. Good stuff out there.

I feel ok. Had so many mood drops throughout the year but I finally felt stable like...a month ago? Less bread. Less forcing myself to care about people. Less news. It's almost voting time so, Im READY. 

I totally did not forget about this site lol.

Where to begin holy crap. 

September 1st I decided to cut everyone I befriended in that group chat. Unfriended, deleted my Twitters. I did let them know of my situation. kind of haha. ‘Need some time to myself. It’s not you it’s me’ bull. Which, techinically IS true. All those crazy feelings I had, overreacting, burning out—it was all me. Though I didn’t let some others know, I just cut them off (not like we were talking much anyways.)

And you know what? I feel so free. Relieved. 

Ahhh. I’m a stupid mess. But in my defense, they were the first batch of friends I ever made that I opened up to. =w=“ Like, really opened up to. And I’m definitely not repeating this mess again! Sucks that I lost friends, but at least I learned from it yeah?

I’m back to shipping again~ Though I’m staying the hell away from fandom life >>” Too many allos. ==“ 

I really don’t like people. Don’t know why I got so attached to those folk. I hate my brain sometimes.  

Welp.

It’s day 6 of no online socializing. Made the decision of leaving that group chat last night. I can still talk to members individually, but at this point, I don’t want to initiate conversations anymore. I think I burned myself out from trying to befriend everyone. From trying to keep the group chat from dying. I wanted friends but maybe my definition of ‘friend’ means something else to others. Least they have their romantic partners. I’m just an afterthought I guess. They mean well. Good people. I must’ve been overbearing. Always checking in if everyone was ok. Being overly optimistic. Acting like a child, pretty much. Always texting. Gotta back the fuck off. My brain’s weird, tho. I either go all out or not at all. Gotta learn the in between. Gotta back off. 

Life’s gonna be like it was back then. All quiet. Me, myself, and I. 

Not like I’m gonna build a wall or close myself off from others. But I definitely have to learn how to control myself. 

Have to understand that for people with romantic partners, being close with friends is...not happening. ? 

I don’t know how close is too close. Nor how close I want to be. But fuck, I can feel that boundary. I’m just not interesting enough for them?  They don’t have fun talking to me? I find them interesting. I like talking to them. It wasn’t mutual it seems. And that’s ok. That’s life. There’s all sorts of people out there, but I think I need to befriend fellow aros. Because if romantic folk keep giving off that boundary I think I will internally combust. Not their fault. Not anyone’s fault. Just me being overly sensitive and weak. But tis a learning lesson. I’ll get over it.

Dang. I’ve noticed for a long time now that when these two online friends I have, who happen to be dating, are affectionate I get kinda uncomfortable? Like...’are you for reals, or ya’ll just playing around?’ It’s so weird lol. I don’t want to admit it’s romance repulsion, but I guess it is. I’m happy for them, though. Really glad they’re making it work and stuff. :3 But when they’re affectionate I just...? and I realize that I can’t ever get close to them because they’re so into each other. Oh well. 

...And it’s even weirder cuz they didn’t even know each other for longer that half a year and yet they’re already dating?! Like wtf. How’d that even happen? I don’t get that at all. That sort of attraction. And it was mutual attraction, too! Like whoa. It’s...weird. I don’t get it at all.

Ah. When I realize I won’t ever feel those sorts of feelings, it bums me out a bit. Especially because a lot of people prioritize that sort of thing. BUT I totally understand that I’m not the only one and romance ain’t everything blah blah I know that now. 

? I still daydream characters being all close and intimate and stuff, though. ? Wonder if it’s something I want. 

But I also loooove horror and slasher films lmao. So, eh. I’ve heard of ‘being in love with the idea of love’, I wonder if that’s me. 

This one online friend keeps talking to me, though! And I don’t seem to bother her when I spam her with walls of texts of my Skyrim adventures or my disorganized thought process. ? She’s dating a person I’m friends with, too, lol. But they’re not as openly affectionate so I’m spared of that uncomfortableness. They’re definitely more reserved than the other two lol.

Ahh, but it’s not like they’re always affectionate. Not really. And it’s easy to not look at posts like that, so whatever. 

I don’t know how I did it, but I managed to fall asleep. Thankfully I had off today, so I just stayed in bed until 4 pm. I daydreamed a lot. Maybe my inner desires? Who knows. But I ended the daydream scene pretty happily for the characters. Many of them still had to cope with their mental illnesses, but they have support from friends and partners. 

I should be reaching out, too. But there are some people I just don’t want to be open with you know? And the people I do want to talk to just don’t seem interested/are too busy/are hurting/aren’t aro.

Apparently my aroness is affecting me a lot (besides what the heck I’m going to do for the rest of my life and being unable to focus on anything blah blah.) I thought I had this all figured out, but then this thing just barges in my life and smothers me and I’m left drowning.

I will have to work hard on eating right, sleeping right, and exercising. Don’t worry guys. I ain’t giving up on life. 

Just last night, I mulled over what I’d like with people. An emotional bond. That’s it. Mutual trust. Mutual interest in each other. Mutual support. But without the ‘exclusiveness’. I figured I’d text one friend, be super honest and open and vulnerable, because they’re always like that, too in their social media. A wall of text I leave, and later coming out as aroace in a group chat. Yes. I felt really good that night.

Went to work super early, not enough sleep nor any breakfast. That negative cloud was creeping in. I knew my friend would be awake soon. And sure enough, their twitter is blowing up. But they’re nothing to do with my message. I was not in a good mood by the end of work. I’m throwing a self-pity party by myself at home, under the covers. It’s later tonight when I decide to delete that message and instead let her know I wrote ‘a bit much lol’. Turns out, she hadn’t been on that messenger app the entire day. 

Or she could’ve been lying and didn’t know what to say. 

All I know is: sometimes you’re just not a person someone wants to get close to. Whether that be because they have a partner or because they just don’t want to talk to you who fucking knows. 

I’m just so done with this shit guys. I’ve already had a meltdown before after one friend just disappeared from social media (but later messages me after I sent her a letter.) I understand that depression’s an asshole and makes you think no one wants you around. That no one will miss you, but holy fuck. I know they talk to their partners. Why not me? I really like these people and support them when I can and make conversation when I can but wow. And don’t even ‘they’re probably super busy’ me. Because I know they make time for their partners. 

I get it now. I’m just not a person they want to talk to. That’s it. No hard feelings. Nothing personal. I treat my cousin like this, too. She loves and adores me. Tells me a lot of things because she trusts me. But I don’t feel the same about her. I just don’t. I feel like an asshole because of that, but oh well.

So in a way, this is kind of like karma biting me in the ass lmao.

That’s all it is. Some people ‘click’. Some don’t. Some people don’t want to be open with anyone but their partner. I respect that.

But wow does it hurt. It really hurts. When did I become this fucking weak? Must be from all those close friendships I’d see and read about in fictional works. Haha. That’s all fantasy. We all know emotional bonds will not form platonically (being sarcastic.) Gods I feel horrible. Fuck me. I hate this part of myself so much. Just die. I want to kill this part. How do I kill this part of myself? Let me go back inside my head, back when my autistic ass didn’t even understand people had feelings. 

I’m pretty sure all my close friends and family here at home think I’m either gay or ‘independent’. Lol. I don’t consider myself gay at all. Queer definitely. Most definitely. But not gay. Because gay means I’m interested in a relationship and/or sex with someone, and I’m not. However, if I come out as aroace and explain what this is, they’re gonna think I’m fine being alone. It’s not really a big deal, coming out to them. I’m more concerned about expressing my interests and finding hardly any non-romantic stuff in fandoms ;-; 

I’ve noticed that the color green seems really appealing to me now lol. I wonder if it’s a subconscious thing because I’ve finally accepted my aro-ness. 

I had a tumblr where I basically vented and reblogged a bunch of aro stuff I resonated with. But after that stupid update thing in December the site just...bleh. Wasn’t a perfect place to begin with, but I learned a lot there. How to human. About autism. I made new friends (I’m pretty sure we’re all friends now, not acquaintances. But I’ve squishes on two of them, and they’re dating so it’s...interesting.) All my tumblr blogs are gone. I deleted them. I’m done with that site. Twitter is too public. I was a little hysterical with trying to find other aros like me. 

So, I’m very glad to be here. I hope it’s not as dead as I think it is.