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Joslyn

I've been told by my friend "it's just a phase".

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I tried to explain to her that I was aromantic (and asexual) but she is very closed-minded and kept telling me "I think it will change" or "It might not be this way forever". I'm still worried that it might be a phase but I was so sure that I was aromantic but now she has me questioning again. Should I just stop trying to explain it to her and leave it alone or should I get her mind straight and let her have a piece of my mind. Don't take this the wrong way, she has been an amazing friend of mine for a while and always had my back, so I don't just wanna stop talking to her. I, thankfully, have other friends I can talk to that will shut up and listen but with her I just can't. So what now?

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Hi, it seems that is a complicated situation.

If she's giving you a hard time because of the fact you're aro even when you tried to explain maybe is time to rethink that friendship, but if is a topic that comes once in a while maybe you can just ignore her and enjoy all the other aspects of your friendship . I know that is very difficult to explain to certain people the way we are and the feeling  of being invalidated really sucks, but as time passes by, she is will realize that is not a phase and if not, well, is upon her if she decides to live in denial . Don't know your age but I'm 37 years old and still some friends and  family are trying to match  me with different women hoping to find my better romantic half  and think that I'm hurt or have commitment issues (nope), initially I was angry and sad but now I just laugh and enjoy how their efforts arrive to point 0 😂

My advice is : if she's almost bullying you because of that, well, friends don't do that so as hard this could be, sometimes is better cut certain relationships but if is only occasional maybe you can just shrug off and enjoy your friendship (I know is complicated but sometimes some people understand as time advances ). By the way, why is a big deal for her?. 

Sorry about my English and have a nice day! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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It's annoying of her not to take your word on it. Even if it would change it doesn't negate that this is how you feel now and she should accept that. 

 

How is your interaction when you're not talking explicitly about this? Does she act like you're allo? Asking about crushes and such? 

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On 6/24/2018 at 4:57 AM, Joslyn said:

I tried to explain to her that I was aromantic (and asexual) but she is very closed-minded and kept telling me "I think it will change" or "It might not be this way forever".

Can you try getting her to think about how it would make her feel if someone said something like that to her? If she has a romantic partner, you could ask her to think about how it'd feel if someone told her, "I don't think your feelings for [partner] will last, you're not going to love them forever." Or if there's some part of her identity she's not 100% secure about, you could ask how she'd feel if someone told her, "You may think you're X for now, but I think that will change, you're not going to identify as X forever." 

 

The point here isn't to be cruel or to give her a taste of her own medicine!! Make it very clear that you're not saying you agree with these statements, and not saying you think her feelings will change. You're just asking her to recognise that when someone does say something like that they're essentially saying, "I know you better than you know yourself," or, "I don't believe that you have a reliable understanding of your own feelings/identity," and that's incredibly condescending.

 

If she's a good friend in general, hopefully she'll be able to understand that. Sometimes people just don't realise the hurtful implications of things they're saying until you spell it out for them.

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I think whether or not you should avoid your friend depends on what was said by Holmbo; one thing is being dismissive and crushing your sense of identity once, and another is doing this constantly.

 

The post above also has a nice tip, imho.

 

But I don't think you need to worry if you are "really aro" or not. If aro fits you right now, just keep identifying as aro, even if later you may not identify as such. Maybe with time your friend will understand it's not a phase (especially if being aro is news to her), and that even if you weren't aro, doubting and ignoring your own feelings and experiences is not a good thing and usually doesn't help the questioning process.

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On 6/24/2018 at 4:57 AM, Joslyn said:

I tried to explain to her that I was aromantic (and asexual) but she is very closed-minded and kept telling me "I think it will change" or "It might not be this way forever".

Imagine if an allo was told "Maybe it's just a phase"; "You might feel different when you are older" or "You should see someone about that".

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When Iwant to explain something I often used analogy. Like saying "in fact everybody is bi, and if you think you are straight, is because you deny it, or because you find the one who will change that and make you realize you were bi from the start and that straight people Don't exist". Maybe she will understand how stupid or rude it sounds.

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I have kind of a similar friend, telling me not to give up or that I still (too) young. But not in a mean way, I think he's actually trying to reassure me.

He's my main source of casual cuddles, so I can't really complain.

 

I guess the important part for me was that he's still there for me and even though he doen't really understand he's trying his best to make me happy and not to overstep my boundaries.

 

When I first told him I was still really confused and insecure, that might be why I was offered advice instead of undertanding.

 

So, when telling someone try to be confident and sure of yourself (which is so damn hard, even when you ARE sure). And don't take it personaly, when people doesn't get you right away (which is even harder). They usually never heard of it before, so it can take a while for them to come around 😉

 

It might be worth it to bring it out again sometime - you can try sent her some articles. But from my experience-  not until you are sure and alright with being whatever you are. Otherwise it only made me sad and insecure again. 

 

Good luck! 

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5 hours ago, Amarill said:

I have kind of a similar friend, telling me not to give up or that I still (too) young. But not in a mean way, I think he's actually trying to reassure me.

Thing is that nobody would ask "are you sure" of a young alloromantic (especially if they identified as heteroromantic).
There's often a meme of young people with normative identities being "mature".

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