What's coming out like?

[accioaroace]

So I've been playing with the idea of coming out for a while, but I really don't know anything about it and I can't really make a decision knowing nothing. I was wondering what coming out is like, how people react, and how you feel about yourself before and after coming out. Any reply means a lot, since I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm not sure whether it's a good idea or not. Thanks!

[SoulWolf]

People's reactions vary quite a bit. Here's a thread where people talk about how their coming out stories went:

 

http://www.arocalypse.com/forums/topic/830-to-come-out/

 

Here's another:

http://www.arocalypse.com/forums/topic/60-coming-out-stories/

 

[Digestive Biscuits]

I've come out to friends. It's nice, as long as your friends are accepting, although I've found they're not as particularly romantic themselves as most. I have one friend that is gay, so we both have the common ground that we've both different. So overall, it's been a good experience.

 

I don't think I could tell my family though. I think it'd confuse them rather than cause them to be upset though, and ultimately they want whatever makes me happy, so there's really no point in explaining aromanticism to them. If they ask why I'm still single, i'll just simply tell them I'm not interested in dating, but I'm happy.

[Costati]

I've never properly come out...in the sense that I haven't had like a sit down situation and be "well listen everybody I'm aromantic yooh". I hadn't have to do it with my best friend since she actually was the one who suggested I could be aromantic so when I was "Oh my god yeah" that wasn't really a big shock for her and she didn't mind at all (my best friend is awesome I know ♥) but for my family it was another story. My parents are really really romantic to the point where it's seriously unhealthy. I mean you don't have to be a genius to understand they're both using romance and relationship as a way to not confront their huge abandonment issues. They put romance and their relationship before everything and I knew it would be complicated so I just put some subtle hint here and there then try to explain it a bit to them. It's complicated because I was giving them hints so they could ask questions but they clearly aren't interested in learning how I work and what it is. I mean my dad did his research when he realized how important it is for me but he's a psychiatrist so I think deep down he thinks it's some trauma due to how they put romance as a huge part of my education which is honestly really annoying because I already have to deal with my own doubts I don't want to add to that the person close to me not believing me. 

My mom on the other end she's clearly on denial. It gives her a headache when I talk about it and she has a lot of trouble understanding how I could be aromantic but not asexual. She also has a weird point of view on the issue I feel like for most people understanding asexuality would probably be easier than understanding romanticism because sexual orientation is more objective in a way. Everyone knows what sexual relationship and sexual attraction means when for romanticism people have a lot of different definition so I was going for the "It's like asexuality but for romanticism" because I thought it would be easier but the thing is she understand the concept of asexuality but not of for her everyone is alloromanticism that's like romantic orientation doesn't exist there's only sexual orientation and it's directly linked by romantic orientation. I've been suspecting she's bisexual or pansexual for a while so that would make sense that in her head you can't not love everyone if you have a connection with their personnality. So I don't know maybe that's why she's a bit in denial about me because she's actually in denial about herself. 

I don't know but...that was way too long and probably not really what you wanted but that's my experience basically it's kinda bad honestly but I think it mostly come from me I really want my parents to accept aromanticism completely even though it would have to make them rethink everything they thought about life and themselves. I also get way too hurt everytime my mom for example makes comments like "That's weird that you like this movie because it's a pretty romantic movie" or when I made her watch simply-kenna video's about aromanticism and asexuality and from all the video the only thing she got was the part when Kenna said that even if it's unlikely she's not against the idea of her maybe later discovering she's demiromantic and demisexual instead of aroace. That hurt me because I feel like she flipped this against me. I know I'll never be demi because I've had deep emotional connection with guys and I still didn't want a romantic relationship with them but even if Kenna said it was her view of thinking my mom heard what she wanted and it's hurtful. Because even if she tries to understand in her mind it's more logical for her to think "Oh but don't be so closed on this issue maybe you're demi" instead of being "Okay you're aro" and if I come out as demi be "Okay you're demi now that's pretty cool". It's like from the bottom of her heart she actually wish I'm something that I'm not and it's hurtful. 

So yeah anyway coming out can be bad especially when people who actually don't know that much about you or how you ever felt on this subject want to subtely convince you that you're not what you are because "Oh but look this time there was this guy" when clearly this guy made me unconfortable and there were before that guy and that guy and also that guy that I really liked but never wanted to be with. They just want to hear what they want and see what they want and sometimes it makes me feel foolish to have told about these crush that I thought were crush to them (I just wanted to connect with them I realize that now). I feel like I'm judged and everything I said or did is held against me. But on the other hand my best friend is absolutely adorable and so supportive and I am really grateful for her. I've also had other friends who I came out with them that were pretty supportive it was still scary to tell them but the thing is they were all LGBT+ (my best friend is too) and I think that's what's important to take notes of. Even if there's arophobia in the LGBTQ community, if you have friends that are in this community there's a slight chance they'll be more supportive and comprehensive.

But I'll advise you to drop subtle hints at first just to see what's happening. For exemple you could talk to them about asexuality. I feel like there's more visibility for it so you could say "Oh have you heard about this celebrity who's asexual and make great content" (in you bio you put aroace so you'll really directly know how they feel about that). Maybe they won't take notes...don't push it too much or it could sound weird but it could be a good place to start I think. I think it's a good idea to come out anyway because even though my experience with my family was seriously pretty bad at least the truth is out and it doesn't have to be awkward when my cousins ask me "Oooh and do you have a boyfriend" and I say "Nope I'm not interested and no I'm not a lesbian either just not interested". It'll still be unconfortable but at least it won't be awkward. The truth is always better out I think (well not if you live in a situation where you could be killed for it in that case it's probably a really bad idea). 

Anyway good luck to you, I hope it'll be better for you than for me keep in mind that my parent's view on romance and relationship is pretty weird and unique. It's probably not the same case for yours. 

[Lia]

I think the biggest problem coming out is that most people don't even now about aromanticism. My friends reacted really well but they already knew that I wasn't interested in romantic relationships so it was merely explanation and a label for something they already were aware of. My mother straight out rejected the idea :'D It was pretty cliche, the whole you just haven't found the right guy, you just need to open up more and let people get to know you and then she seemed so sad by the thought that anyone might end up without a romantic partner that I kinda gave up because it was really upsetting her and in the end it isn't really important that my parents know the label. They don't pressure me into anything and when they ask about boyfriends I just tell them there is no one I'm interested in.

 

You should probably get ready to explain a lot because just telling whoever you're coming out to that you're aro will probably not work. I tried that with a friend like just dropping the bomb and she just looked at me and had no idea what I was talking about :'D

 

But good luck and best start small with a few friends whos reaction you can estimate. Then the first time won't be that hard and you will feel better about coming out to other people.

[arokaladin]

I think coming out varies a lot on whether your friends are lgbt or not as well. If they are they're more likely to know about aromanticism or at least be open to new orientations if they haven't. straight friends unless they are very invested allies are much less likely to and you might need to be careful

[Naegleria fowleri]

I've come out to a lot of people. I started with my Mom though, explaining the difference between aromaticism and asexuality and that I thought I fit both. She said okay, and that was that. I think she saw it coming, even if she didn't know the labels for it. Then I figured my friend that's a boy who I "friendzoned at prom" deserved an explanation, and he took it pretty well even if he wasn't a fan of labelling things. From that point on I just got cocky. I joined the lgbt+ group at my school, and they booked me a table in the school during aro-spec week so I could hand out aero bars and pamphlets. I've been surprised by how readily accepting people are. I've had a bunch people tell me, "I had no idea that was a thing, that's so cool!" Keep in mind though that this was at university, where people choose to be enlightened.

One way you could go is just be like Hey, I learned that this exists, and if the person's like Hey that's cool then you can be like Btw I'm it, and if not then you're not in too deep. *shrug*