atrocious_ar0mantic

Does anyone else feel like they’re “leading people on” (in a romantic sense), when someone expresses a certain amount of affection towards them? I have a platonic partner, and every once in awhile I have this oopsy whoopsy moment where I’m like but.. but what if ? I’m t r i c k i n g them ? I’ve just begun noticing simple things I usually hold back in attempts of conformity, that I didn’t even realize I was doing before. Biting back compliments. Being afraid to even ask if I can touch people. Worried about coming off as immature for being directly invested in my friends and their well-being. Anyone else have aro guilt in this flavor? Trying to conform to alloromantics and nts dynamics for friendship?

It's a wild lesbian - (how is it supposed to live, laugh, lesbian in these conditions of scarce pronoun usage?)

I’m somewhat fond of the color scheme for Valentine’s Day. And I’ve always looked forward to it because my mom never fails to get me something sweet. Plus I love the excuse to give my friends more stuff.

Well y’know, capitalism loves to milk it

Key lime pie is the best

I’m most likely going to have schoolwork to manage, b u t, I might bake something. Maybe lime bars, lemon bars, or banana muffins.

It's not an uncommon experience. Internalized arophobia is a thing, just like internalized phobias for any other queer labels people may take up. I know I had a difficult times coming to terms with my identity as an aroace individual. Society is amatonormative, expecting all people to strive for monogamous romantic relationships. That we all experience romantic attraction, and that these pursuits should be a common goal of ours. Especially for those of us socialized female, our worth is usually pinned on this in relation to a man (in cisheteronoramtive expectations). Case in point, it's hard. We've been taught that love exists in hierarchal structures, with romantic love being at the tippy top. That it's the highest and most valuable form of love. But this simply isn't true. I get how you're feeling. I consider myself to be a particularly affectionate person who commonly envisioned themself with a romantic partner. But I slowly adjusted my perspective after I began coming to terms with my identity. I realized this wasn't really what I wanted, only something I had been conditioned to want. Though, being aro doesn't mean you'll "die alone". Platonic love isn't any lower than romantic love, and you could still have partner(s) as an aro individua if that's what you're going for. Partners don't have to be only in a romantic dynamic. I have a queerplatonic partner- someone who I consider to be my best friend, but it's like we have more commitments. It takes time to learn, it takes time to reconsider your own priorities, needs, and wants. It's okay to feel that way about it though. Self-acceptance isn't a linear line, and there's definitely ups and downs.

It's okay to be uncertain. Sometimes gender, sexual, and romantic orientations change. Sometimes your experiences do change, and sometimes you find different labels to better describe your experiences. Being a person is all about change and fluidity. Don't be afraid to try out labels or identifiers out of fear that they could change- it's okay. Nobody will be able to "confirm" your identity for you. Only you can really know what you're experiencing and what it entails. But I suggest you give yourself some time to sit with how you're feeling. The label is meant to fit the person, not the other way around. And even then, it's not so cut and dry. We can't always fit neatly into little categories, and that's also okay. As for your last question- I think a majority of people in the queer community have experienced imposter syndrome when it comes to their labels. It's a given with being raised in a cisheteronormative, (and in our case amatonormative) society. I know I have

It varies, but I generally consider myself to be romance-indifferent. I don't mind romance in fiction. It really depends on the flavor of romance, but I like seeing portrayals that resemble my QPR. Less kissing and more philosophical conversations, someone you can parallel play with. Being soft, doing small favors for each other. Like best friends, with more commitments. On the other hand, romance in real life, real time? Eh. People kissing on the mouth, or making out, really doesn't do it for me. Especially if there's sounds. Like y'all, the door is that way. Get a room.

TW: R*pe culture, brief mentions of sexual trauma As a fem-presenting nb individual who was socialized female, I have a decent deal of experience with this. The first part is just me picking at general amatonormativity, heteronormativity, and how sexism plays into it. The second bit is more of my own personal experiences. Those of us who were socialized female (AFAB), have consistently been sent messages that our worth is rooted in mens’ perceptions of us. It’s been ingrained into us that we’re supposed to cater to men. That their attention, sexually and romantically, is to be prized above all. And that all of us have a universal goal in pursuing that. Female bodies are always pegged as inherently sexual objects, credit being to victim-blaming in r*pe culture. We’re told to “dress modestly” as to “not to distract men”, and “leave a little to the imagination.” All men and boys. Our teachers, our relatives, our friends. We’re told to hide ourselves because our natural state is deemed inappropriate. It’s normalized in our society for men and boys to be possessive of our bodies. To exhibit a sense of ownership over them. Husbands and boyfriends “declining” or “not allowing” their wives and girlfriends to wear certain outfits. I hated swimsuit shopping when I was younger for this exact reason, because it always amounted to my mom going, “your dad won’t like that” to every other suit I tried on. The trope of the dad always going after the daughter’s boyfriend. The brother who hates the boyfriend. Both of these being on the basis that the boyfriend is being intimate sexually and/or romantically with her, and both men/boy family members feel entitled to her body. Notice how there are little to no tropes related to mothers and sisters trying to butcher the son’s sexual and/or romantic pursuits. We’re shunned for existing with the bodies we have. We’re shunned for pursuing romantic and/or sexual relations with men and boys up until a certain age. And, you guessed it, shunned for not pursuing those romantic and/or sexual relations with men and boys at all! You’ll see this is a common theme with how people generally view women, fem-presenting folks, and people with fem-aligned genders; there’s just no winning. Speaking from my own personal experience as a female socialized, fem-presenting nb person who is aroace, it’s confusing and contradictory. It was consistently being told that us pursuing guys romantically and/or sexually was shallow, dumb, and even impure. With the way my mom talked about her husband’s feelings towards my swimsuits and my body, I had no doubts that he’d hate the thought of me romantically dating anyone. And I thought my parents would be overjoyed when middle school me came to the conclusion that I didn’t want to date anyone romantically until high school. I remember distinctly telling my mother in the car one morning, and me being so deeply confused when she prompted me with a, “why?” Middle school was a mess of amatonormativity. I told myself I had high standards. I convinced myself I just hadn’t seen enough guys, and that I’d fall in love when the rumored “right one” came along. I cried because I didn’t find people “hot” like most did. I cried because I was always guaranteed to be a cold second-best to my friends’ romantic partners. It was picking an objectively attractive guy as a safe pick for a fake romantic crush. Another game of, “kiss, marry, kill” to awkwardly giggle through. I always thought people were exaggerating. The worst bit of it was the sympathy that came with it, and the immaturity people tacked onto me because of my nonexistent experience with romance and sex. When relatives and extended family came around, it’s all they wanted to know. “Any boys yet?” Always yet. Like it was inevitable. It was the only thing that seemed to define me. I’ve had experiences with sexual assault, as most female-socialized folks unfortunately have. And peoples’ reactions and hyperfixation to my nonexistent romantic pursuits played a heavy role in me remaining in that abusive situation for external validation. That in itself is hard to open up about, because I know a majority of people will discredit my aroace identity on the basis of me having sexual trauma. But I’ve always been aroace, and I think we should discuss how amatonormativity, heteronormativity, and sexism can factor into female-socialized aro, ace, and/or aroace folks experiences. Especially with trauma that can come with it.

Could someone please fill me in on what Carnival of Aros is?

Princess Merida from "Brave" is one of my go-to's for aro-spec headcanons, and I wanna say Isabela from "Encanto" as well. And I haven't thought about this in specifics, but I've just finished reading the "Tea Dragon Society" series, and I'd picture Rinn and Aedhan as being in a QPR. Canonically speaking, Georgia from "Loveless" is an aro character who's self-discovery is the main premise of the book.

I’m out as aro to my close friends ‘n all, and my family. My family, as a whole, doesn’t understand the full extent of what it means for me though. My parents seem to “politely ignore” it. I don’t bother with people at school. The administration actively counteracts any inclusivity attempts, and the environment is generally unaccepting to queer folks.

I would like to live with another person. As someone with sensory issues and anxiety, living with more than one person really doesn’t appeal to me. Though, I would definitely like the opportunity to live without any other people- even if only temporarily. I want to know what it’s like to completely own a space. To take up all that space without even thinking, without worry or fear. But cats are always welcome in the equation, no matter what my living arrangements may be.

The guys on my campus don’t know how to take a hint. My go to is, “I don’t like men, let alone romantically.”

I’m really hoping to get a set of Doc Martens, and this very specific plush cow. In a less materialistic sense, I want my mother to divorce her lousy husband.

I have anxiety, and I’m nd.

I’m aro, and I’ve felt similarly. At the moment, I’m in a long-distance, queerplatonic partnership. Ideally, I do intend to live with them at one point or another. Either or- I’m aro and I’ve always liked the idea of living with a few close friends and/or partners.

I told my mother I’m not keen on the idea of raising children, let alone anytime soon. And it irritates me because she said she’d initially felt the same, but then she changed her mind. This is always how she responds to me, with the expectation that I could change my mind. It’s fine if I do change my mind, it could very well happen. What’s frustrating is that only the latter is acceptable. That if I said I wanted to raise children, no one would be telling me that I could change my mind. But everyone jumps to that excuse as soon as I say that I don’t want to.

Ah. I misread. I thought the person was asking about the ace ring, not asking if we had an aro equivalent to it. My bad.

Yellow roses is something I’ve caught onto. Roses are heavily romance-coded in society, specifically the red ones. But I think a lot of people tend to neglect how the different colors all have varying meanings. For instance, yellow roses often symbolize friendship and platonic relationships. I love how warm they look, and how simple + sweet the meaning is. And the yellow goes full circle to one of the original aro pride flag designs.

That’s actually the aro ring. Black ring on the right middle finger is the ace ring

I was’t aware this was a thing

I haven't been in a similar situation, but I could still try to advise. It'll be an adjustment for both of you to change your relationship label, and dynamic. While it might not be the easiest thing to talk about, communication is key to all relationships. It's important that you do convey this to your partner when you're ready to. Ignoring your own preferences and feelings will only cause more conflict further on. Plus, you deserve to be respected and have your varying relationship needs met. One thing I would highlight with her, when you're ready to lead the conversation, is that relationships aren't hierarchal. A QPR won't be some second-best to the previous romo relationship you had with her, if you still choose to pursue a QPR with her. If I were in that position, I would mention how close and intimate I was with said person, and about how changing this dynamic doesn't mean I love them any less; that it's not a falling out, it's just a different type of love than initially thought. But just because it's not romantic love doesn't mean it's any less strong.

I feel similarly. I love how aro-spec + ace-spec folks break down the different flavors of attraction and relationships. It opened my eyes to how many options there were, love wise and relationship wise. As someone who was socialized female, and is fem-presenting, there's always been a heightened emphasis and interest on my nonexistent romantic love life. Generally for folks like me, our self-worth is determined based on how desirable we are to men, sexually and romantically. The persistence people had on it made it even more difficult for me to come to terms with my identity. But it was so freeing when I did come to terms. For years, I mistook my general nervousness around men and masc-presenting folks as evidence that there had to be some sort of romo connotations behind it. It took me awhile to realize that a lot of my behavior around them boils down to how I was socialized. It was so freeing knowing I didn't have to use my time to try and fight for something that wasn't there. I thought there was something wrong. Something I was doing wrong, something wrong with me even. But I became more connected with myself. I focused on the relationships I had been invested in all along, but felt foolish for prioritizing because society views relationships in a hierarchy, with romo ones being at the top. I loved my friends shamelessly. I got the courage to enter a QPR. I love how much perspective this facet of me gave me, and continues to do.