aro_elise

Thanks so much for your responses!  Your replies are great, very thought-provoking and well-considered.  Do you have a blog about aromanticism?  If so, I want to read it.

As for me, I'm not heterosexual or cis, so I have a lot of intersections with the queer label and it's very important to me.  But being aromantic is just as important a part of my queerness as being nonbinary and whatever-the-hell-my-sexuality-is.  Honestly I'd say my sexuality is less important a part of my queerness as my experience of attraction and gender identity, but it still matters.  I have been an organizer in various queer communities, online and offline, at various points in my life, so queer outreach and activism matter to me personally and I'm always seeking to continue engaging with the world in that way.  I've also had a lot of bad experiences in queer communities, largely as a result of gatekeeping.  So I'm always hesitant to join new queer communities and I have trouble feeling connected with a lot of people in queer communities because I'm never sure they see my experiences and identity as valid.  But I staunchly claim the label "queer" because ain't nothing about me straight and I'm not going to let exclusionists take that label from me.  And I agree with everything you said about exclusionism.  It inevitably leads to a reductive view of identity.

I feel very similarly about nonsexual intimacy as you do.  I'm pretty interested in physical intimacy as an expression of emotional intimacy, but most of my emotionally intimate friendships have not allowed for that.  But I take emotional intimacy pretty seriously, and I feel very committed to the people I have been emotionally intimate with.  I also feel like I prioritize emotionally intimate friendships much more than allos do, and it's incredibly frustrating and isolating.  I put the same amount of work and consideration into friendship as I would into romance, but I don't feel like my friends do the same, or care that I do.  I often feel like allos are seeking emotional intimacy but ignore it when a friend offers it, even if that friend knows them very well and would be very good at fulfilling their needs, in favor of finding a romantic partner instead.  One of the areas where you and I may differ significantly is that I don't feel a need to draw distinctions between which kinds of physical intimacy belong in which kinds of relationships.  To me, cuddling and kissing aren't inherently romantic because I don't experience them as romantic.  They're just intimacy to me, and work just as well in a friendship as in other kinds of intimate relationships.  Of course, I've never been intimate with anyone who shares this view, so I've always had to follow distinctions anyway.

As for sexuality, well, my sexuality is a mess.  I guess it's because I'm nonbinary and agender, but I have a hard time seeing what gender has to do with sex.  Attraction isn't even really a major factor in sex for me, though it's nice when it's present.  Basically what I want from sex is yet another vector of emotional connection.  The physical pleasure is nice, but it's the emotional connection I actually crave.  I'm not really sure what form that can take with me.  I've had a number of romantic relationships, most of which were disasters, but the sexual part of those relationships was often the most stable and most satisfying part for me.  I've only had one sexual relationship that wasn't a romantic relationship, but it had problems for other reasons.  The best sexual relationship I had was mostly a romantic relationship, though it changed forms several times and we were always talking about what relationship model would best suit us both, and after we split up, that partner decided she's a relationship anarchist.  But we focused on the emotional bond we had, both in our sexual and non-sexual interactions, and it was immensely satisfying to me.  I also need at least some kind of emotional commitment for sex to work at all for me, though that can just be the commitment of continued friendship.  But I don't really know what specifically I want from sexual relationships right now.  I just know I want to at least feel like my sexual partner cares about me and our relationship, whatever that relationship is.

You mentioned polyamory.  What about polyamory is important to you?  Is it like an orientation for you?

For me, I've been an organizer in the local polyamory community for a few years.  I got into it before realizing I'm aro, because I felt slightly less smothered in polyamorous relationships than in monogamous ones.  I don't actually care about having multiple partners, I just like the relationship models of polyamory better.  I was also super impressed with the local polyamory community when I first got involved.  The communication and self-awareness skills needed to navigate polyamory are exactly the kind of thing I want to develop, regardless of what relationship models I'm interested in.  I was so impressed with the community that I became an organizer, and then realized I'm aro.  I struggled for a while with feeling like a fake polyamorist because polyamory focuses so much on romantic love, but after I thought about it for a while, I realized it's actually a pretty good fit for being aromantic.  So I'm still an organizer there.

Thank you for having this conversation.  It's very enjoyable.  Allo aro chat is something I need more of in my life.

yeah, idk whether i consider my polyamory to be part of my orientation, i mean, i guess it's a choice, but like...an obvious choice.  i don't think it makes me lgbt+; again, all i'm looking for is respect.  realizing i'm poly was much less monumental than my journey to identifying as aro.  i guess i didn't think much about it--i didn't think much about relationships at all, but i was exposed to the idea and thought, well, that makes more sense than the alternative.  in the ways in which i can see myself being attracted to someone and/or forming a relationship, i can imagine that happening with more than one person at once.  i believe it's like you said--it's not necessarily a goal as i'm not even really looking for one partner, but i wouldn't restrict myself from the possibility.  monoamory seems to involve a fair amount of jealousy and possessiveness--often linked with amatonormativity--the whole notion that people aren't supposed to find anyone but their partner attractive, that some aren't allowed to spend much time with friends or with anyone of the opposite gender (in a heteronormative context), and of the 'one true love'/soulmate thing in which one person perfectly fulfills all your needs is quite as bizarre to me as the concept of romantic attraction itself, and makes no more sense than a restriction to one friend.  so yeah, it's kind of related to my aromanticism in that i reject that whole narrative and don't inherently prioritize any type of relationship over any other.  i just want to be able to love someone, or simply to enjoy their company, without immediately assigning a set of arbitrary rules to our relationship; to define it or not to, in whatever way works for us.  i have encountered the term 'relationship anarchy' before (on here, actually) and i believe it fits my mindset well.  my close friend and two of her housemates are poly (and lgbt+; one of them's aro and is my friend's sexual partner) and their various relationships to each other are all clearly full of love, trust, and freedom.  this is the sense i get from the poly community overall.  

i'm enjoying the conversation as well.  oh, and no, i just discuss aromanticism on here.

Yeah I think it was similar for me getting into polyamory.  It's clearly a rational choice for me, and a very obvious one.  Since I don't really view romantic relationships as fundamentally different in any way from friendships, it makes sense that romantic relationships have the same freedom from restriction as friendships, and that was not a big leap for me in any way.  But in the polyamory community here, a lot of people view polyamory as a "relationship orientation", that they fundamentally need polyamory in order to actualize themselves.  It's not a view I understand, but it is one I respect.

Do you feel like being aromantic affects your perception or experience of gender?  A lot of aromantic people I've talked with have a lot to say about that, but you haven't mentioned it yet, so I'm curious what you think.