ApeironStella
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Everything posted by ApeironStella
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Only reason why I even know some of the more popular love songs is not because I actually like them but I love the AMVs/MADs/MEPs/MMVs they were used in and I can only think of the song with the scenes from the video and I can not hate or feel fully disgusted with them being tied to something I love???
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Hmm for me, there is a bit of possessiveness/jealousy in a weird way, though it is not due to any romantic feeling but simply because of how hard it is for me to get really close to someone. I would feel like I am not good enough when I see someone else is closer to said person, friendship-wise. It is kind of a third wheel friend feeling but other two sides aren't dating either. It probably has a lot to do with my self-esteem, though I don't act on it whenever that happens and instead simply act as its nothing. (there have been cases where a bestfriend at the time would befriend another really close friend/bestfriend of mine and leave me out of the loop so...I think it is a bit fair to be afraid of that?) But other than that, agreed with first list. Though, I sometimes freeze in front of people I really respect too? Maybe it has to do with RSD if I do have ADHD though, so that's an aside thing. It is not that I am afraid they wouldn't find me "compatible" in a romantic situation way but a lot more of "I really do care about your thoughts on topics because you did show me that you make sense and actually have respectable personality and I would like to be someone you would respect too so we can exchange thoughts on things as equals" thingy.
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So I have to stay with a whole week with my father bc stuff happened... this is going to be a really awkward week.
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So I finally got a psychologist appointment tomorrow but I still high key feel like I am just exaggerating stuff but... Is living your life vicariously through fictional characters with really low concern on your own life unless in immediate danger and seeing human relations pointless unless you are talking about something you like/having trouble with talking anything but your interests and sometimes getting really obsessed with them count as normal/healthy? I... don't feel like I have any goals in life, really, for a long time by now haha. I can drown that sense of pointlessness by diving even further into a series or theory or whatever but it never disappears and I just... worry that I am making a fuss. I tried to explain that to my mother, who is p much really asocial herself as well as likely has some problems of her own, and she says that I could see one if I wanted to but really skeptical of it and??? I don't even fully trust my memory or my feelings tbh and the close friend who said that I most likely should see someone for stuff did say that I often act really self-depricating and have a pretty low self esteem, which rangs rather true. I just... I just don't know, haha. I at least don't think it is unipolar depression at any rate because I can be happy/feel a whole range of emotions if I focus on anything but myself, but there is maybe... something off? Idk.
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If you've already got an appointment then go. Worst case, you talk for an hour, go home and never do anything about it again. They make for a good sounding board since they have a reasonable understanding of what 'average' actually entails.
Seeing a psychologist isn't such a bad thing though. There's a lot of stigma around mental health in general - but really, seeing one every so often even if you don't feel like there's an issue isn't such a bad idea. People get regular physicals - why not a regular check in with a psychologist?
In my experience, it's a good thing. The couple I've seen have been really good for me. I'd encourage everyone to see one semi-regularly (like, yearly or even every other year) if they are able even if they don't think there's anything wrong.
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I probably have something wrong with me... As it was brought up as I was talking to an old bestfriend, I really do have some... fixation problems. I just. Obsess over someone or something really bad at times and even people I normally do care about doesn't feel like they matter at those times. I still try to act normal to them but just. Barely tolerate them. And like. When I am out of that obsessing period, then I have a not caring about anything stage and kinda return back to normal but then feel hallow inside. It can be character, person I really admire, a story, a rp, a personality theory, anything. And that can be really bad for human interactions because I really don't care most of the time and feel like I am just faking it often times. Also, since I am still a human being I might end up talking with someone about what I was obsessing over too if they really like it too, which might lead to a randomly made friendship and since emotions there are INTENSE I don't even realize that we barely know anything about each other but feel pretty attached to each other by then and when my interest to topic cools down, there is often some messy friendship breaks.....any idea what the problem might be? Don't wanna go to see some professional help without at least some idea of what it might be?
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No worries about the long reply
more detail is better if you go to someone for a diagnosis, anyway.
I'm not going to say it's definitely autism, but I have been through periods that sound quite similar, and I was diagnosed with Asperger's (now apparently a defunct term) when I was 17. I didn't find out until about 10 years later, but I can definitely see that I hyperfixated on certain people and somewhat neglected others in the mean time. One guy I was fixated on (for over a year, maybe two) I walked away from with barely a second thought a few weeks after I "woke up" from it. I also have weird mood swings/fluctuating interest (like, intense interest/happiness, then literal depression/anxiety/low or no interest for a while but wondering why the hell my feelings went away) in most of the people I develop a crush on. But I also get the 'feeling close without really knowing them that well' thing. God, I loathe it!
But I agree it could be autism, ADHD, BPD or hyperfixation (or some kind of combination of any of those).
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@Untamed Heart Thank you! And I considered Asperger's before learning it was a defunct term, so yes. And exactly! Once I feel like I "know" them, "get waked up", I just... have no problem dropping someone like a hot potato and yes, neglecting others is there as well. Only difference is, I don't really get crushes so it was even more confusing for me because when I tried to date them thinking it was a crush, it would just go "????? what wait no that's not right" in my brain. Only second guessing is really for how other side would feel, since I kinda have a huge problem with guilt trips? And I agree/have the same fluctuating interest thing as well! But thing is, sometimes I probably don't even feel that for the person but simply feel it for the topic we were talking about, so that's when it gets messy with "feeling close without really knowing them that well" thingy. Because I do horrible with actual human interactions, so yeah, might be somewhere on autism spec too, maybe?
BPD seems to be least likely at this point since my mood do fluctuate a lot during day but it always match whatever I was thinking/experiencing. So it is not BPD kind of out of control but still pretty changing? And well... There is one psychologist close enough I could find, but I still have this "am I over-exaggerating" sense and since my mother was saying same thing too, not so certain about having a visit rn. (which is funny because this is something I was aware of for... 6-7 years by now? Like, the sense of something is just..off? thingy.)
Aahh...
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I think you would probably benefit from going. I know I felt a kind of relief when I found out, because I did have that feeling something was 'off' and I could never put my finger on it, though it seemed like everyone else (i.e. horrible kids at school) could see how I was different. I'm not great at the interaction thing either - if I had millions I'd probably end up living as a semi-recluse or something
It's still your call at the end of the day, but I wish you luck whatever you decide to do
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How far do you have to fall to like Sonic 06 unironically bc I love watching how broken that game is and what the plot is even
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How does one motivate a depressed friend about how her life does not have any purpose when you yourself deal with same thing everyday and kinda learned to live with that how
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The 'Why I don't want to be a parent' thread
ApeironStella replied to Untamed Heart's topic in Off Topic
Because I really don't want that, I am content with my life as it is. It actually would feel a lot more selfish for me to pick up or give birth to a child while I really don't want to take care of one (I don't really hate children and in fact can get along swimmingly well with most, I simply don't want to share a house with one 7/24 like I don't want with anyone else) because it would end up with child having major emotional problems/other health issues related to stress etc. In fact, that's what bugs me in my community- It is okay if you find meaning in your life by having a baby/adopting one and that's really great and I hope you have enough maturity to take care of one and it all goes well, but when you feel aimless in the life and it is simply pushed down your throat that it should be your aim and you decide to look after one after that, just feels... wrong, for me. Idk I am really worried about placing your life's worth on another person, be it a child or romantic relationship or something else, so I really wouldn't go well with having a power over someone smaller than me with full awareness of how vulnerable they are at the moment and how everything I do could effect them and then expecting them to love me for it because that kind of expectance sounds off to me too. So in short, I would always feel like I am doing something wrong all the time and the emotional baggage it would bring would be a torture to me, not something that would brighten my day up or something. %1000 supporting people who finds it fullfilling. Just not my cup of tea. -
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A fresh one: An admin from a fanpage I am also an admin on on fb is male and we are (sorta?) close and appearantly he has a gf. I don't really care about that and I was talking to him about what rules we would put on forum page since I edited a manga panel from a omake scene in an art book of the series for the "welcome to our forum" automated message thingy and he asked if I could make one for rules page too so we were talking about that. And then??? It is suddenly his gf talking??? She was "checking his accs" and it was "just for fun" not that she was "jealous" or "over controlling" or something. And I was just like ???? and then she went on to say that she would "make ambushes now and then" as if it is a normal and funny thing and my only reply was "okay?". Then she went on explaining and being pretty proud about how they met and all, while I just sat there going "??? Idc I am just trying to see what to edit on a page please let him return and shut up."
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Title says it all people. Saw that there wasn't anything on anime/manga on forum and thought it would be a nice idea to create a topic for that. (please do delete this if there was one but search bar didn't show any) I think I will go first- My long time obsession, D.Gray-man. This one is a bit duh coming from me, but it is a lovely series. It starts with the "usual shounen formula" as the usual synopsis would lead one to think: "Losing a loved one is so painful that one may sometimes wish to be able to resurrect them—a weakness that the enigmatic Millennium Earl exploits. To make his mechanical weapons known as "Akuma," he uses the souls of the dead that are called back. Once a soul is placed in an Akuma, it is trapped forever, and the only way to save them is to exorcise them from their vessel using the Anti-Akuma weapon, "Innocence." After spending three years as the disciple of General Cross, Allen Walker is sent to the Black Order—an organization comprised of those willing to fight Akuma and the Millennium Earl—to become an official Exorcist. With an arm as his Innocence and a cursed eye that can see the suffering souls within an Akuma, it's up to Allen and his fellow Exorcists to stop the Millennium Earl's ultimate plot: one that can lead to the destruction of the world." It gets a lot more complicated pretty soon. Let's just say that Chapter 219 is almost universally agreed as the chapter you kind of realize you actually have no idea what is/was going on. It gets only more confusing as it goes on. Anime does kill some key details so I would suggest reading manga first. (Especially for some important, small details which does not show up on the anime- Ie. a family emblem on two characters' shoes which might and most likely has relation to another emblem we see later on and becomes an important thing. Which was not on the anime. Some fillers contradict canon as well. Also Cross' characterization there just spits on everything Hoshino Katsura -the mangaka- built him as.) Bonus: Hoshino's art is gosh dang beautiful. Check the spoiler for that https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HiKYL7-SQaw One of the reasons I love it so much is because of how much Love theme is actually centered around ALL types of love. Familial love, Platonic friendship love, some Romantic love thrown in a few stories... Bonds between humans is such a major theme and I LOVE it. I also love that how they manage to pull it off without devaluing any sort of love there. As well as deliver some good mindfuck at the same time. Home/Family is a huge theme and without all the romance focus. I headcanon main character Allen Walker and possibly another main character Lenalee Lee as aros tbh. AroAce for Allen and AroPan for Lena maybe? She could be AroAce too but def somewhere on Aro spec. Both simply want a place to call home and people to call family and want to protect said home and people. Lenalee views her world as her friends, family. Allen simply wants to help everyone he can and finally, finally has a place he can call home now and people who tells him "Welcome back" and he can say "I'm home" to. Honestly I love this show you have no idea. So, what about you?
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I kind of want cats because they can be adorable and sometimes cuddly but most often only up to it whenever they feel like and they don't like it when their sense of space is invaded. Idk they are pretty autonomous animals so I really feel close to them. If they feel like you are their human, they can be pretty nice occasionally.
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I am honestly a lot more protective towards allo aro people than allo aces, it seems. I don't hate them or want them to die or something- it is just their way of validating their humanity by saying they can "love too" makes me feel pretty disconnected with ace movement so I can easily see how us aroaces doing the "but we are mostly aces as well so we aren't 'heartless sex maniacs'" couldend up making allo aros feel the same way. Not that they all have to be always sexually active but because slut shaming and "cold, heartless monsters" are things they already might have and most likely do have said to them.
I just.
I am adopting you all okay.
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Also the sexism, toxic masculinity, and gender binarism that come with being allo aro are awful. If you're perceived as female, you're slut-shamed for wanting sex without romance. If you're perceived as male, you're demonized for fitting the stereotype that men are mindless sex fiends. If your gender is non-binary, or if people aren't perceiving you as the right gender, you also get invalidation, dysphoria and erasure.
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@omitef Yes, thank you ! You hit right on the mark !
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Clicking ten thousand eggs on Pokéfarm gets tiring... But hey, its' worth for a Mega Stone~
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Ahhh... I am an INTP, though I would like to point out that MBTI is not just test stuff and 16Personalities is pretty inaccurate. There are cognitive functions things which is what the theory is actually based on and they are actually not founded upon "dichotomies" as it is currently being sold as. For anyone who is interested in "function stuff" or "an actual accurate sounding description of what types and that personality theory even is" I would suggest checking this blog first: http://mbti-notes.tumblr.com/ So yeah. Dichotomies tend to be fairly off, or don't make as much sense to me..
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...you think your "romance" roleplay with a fellow friend was simply writing "attachment issues for the sake of angst" and learn that according to her, you weren't exaggerating things but everything happened in plot was Very Real And Normal Romantic Things And Not Attachment Issues Or Mental Health Problems. I still low key don't believe that. Lies, all liiiiies.
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I confess that I actually low key fear being so close friends with non-aro people. I just... seem to put a wall in between them and myself when I recall they are not aro, to protect myself from being a lot more hurt if they end up in a relationship.
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"Does this mean you are going to be this way your whole life?"/"But it is not permanent...right?" Ah thanks right it was an illness I was supposed to overcome, not like, my orientation.
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more detail is better if you go to someone for a diagnosis, anyway.
