Holmbo

16 hours ago, DreamSeeker said:

I didn’t mean elements of the relationship I want to be exclusive, but the whole relationship itself. I guess by exclusive I just want us to be committed to each other and not seeing anyone else the same way as we see each other. Hope that makes sense.

But usually when someone says they want their relationship to exclusive they are referring to certain aspects. For example a couple might be sexually monogamous and so be exclusive about sexual aspects of their relationship. That couple might additionally have agreement of always doing their vacation traveling together and so be exclusive as traveling companions.

Presumably you still want you and your potential partner to have other relationship such as friendship and so they'll be having deep talks or experiencing new things with others as well.

So what aspects does "seeing someone" entail?

I live alone currently but I always celebrate with my family.

@CanadianBird I know about the cognitive functions you describe. I'm not gonna comment any more than that though because I see these kinds of personality types more in line with "which Hogwarts character are you" than something which gives some deep insight.

Ok now I understand. I think enneagrams does that. At least I got a radar chart when I did that test in one website.

@BalfrogiI don't know what a stat star is so I'm not sure what you mean. Could you show some example?

Just cause you're scared doesn't mean you need to do anything. Accept the uncomfortable feeling and maybe it will lessen some. Try some meditation if you want.

You're not responsible for his feelings. Advice for next time though is if someone you recently met asks you to hang out one on one, ask if it's a date before you accept. Because that way you can nip it in the bud earlier.

You've told him you're not interested, if he were to keep pressing he is not a nice boy and I think you're perfectly justified in not treating him as such. But maybe he will accept it and move on to a new crush.

@hemogoblinthanks for the tips. I've read some of these already but not all. Your reply made me reflect again on what I'm looking for. I think part of it is about growing up in Sweden and the views of gender equality and feminism that results in. I'll read some of the recommendations for a start and maybe they will help me reflect more about it.

I'm technically aroace but I don't usually think of it that way. I kinda feel like a cupiosexual who chose to be celibate because it's just too much work to figure out why other option.

Why is the survey open for only a week? Seems pretty short.

Also what is "aged based arophobia?"

Thanks for the suggestions. I have delusions of gender on my e-reader so I'll start with checking that out.

Trying to be a bit more elaborate, I think what I'm looking for are explorations about a person's wider role in society. I feel that many stories with male protagonists there's exploration of themes like destiny or freedom. When the protagonist is female I feel like there is often more of a focus on the more immediate family and partner connections.

If anyone has suggestion on an aro guest for the Solo podcast I can pass it along. I'm in a online community for that podcast.

What activities would you want to be exclusive in your relationship? Because usually exclusivity is connected to sex in my experience. Would you not want your partner to cuddle with anyone else? Or are there some topics of conversation you feel should be exclusive to your relationship.

Your former/maybe current best friend might feel bad about you dating their crush but it sounds like you don't want to give this person up solely based on your friends feeling. In the end it's your decision. If your best friend feels bad about the relationship and you still want to keep the friendship you could offer not to talk about your relationship until he feels he's over the guy.

That's nice 👍

To me kissing is more sexual than romantic but people's feelings can differ on that.

Does your friends want to live van life? That question is essential and have nothing to do with their intimacy level with you as I can see.

ETA to clarify. Your friends can be close to you but still not have any interest in van life.

The discussion in the MBTI thread made me wonder: what would be a personality type system most useful to aromantics (in so far that personality types have use).

I feel like it would probably include extroversion/introversion because that's such a common thing to note. I also think some kind of commitment/autonomy could be useful, because some aros want more freedom while others desire for things to be more settled and predictable even though that also creates more obligations for them.

What categories do you think should be included?

@DeltaArooyeah after reading about it I agree regarding neuroticism. I also read that the big five started to be first used in the eighties. That's around 40 years ago. There's a world of difference in what we know about psychology now compared to then.

It seems to me like neuroticism is too much of a catch-all for undesirable feelings. Why should for example anxiety and envy be in the same category. Unless there's clear correlation between those feelings I was unaware of. 

Now this discussion makes me wonder what kind of axis of personality type would be most interesting for aros to use. We should make one with traits that differ among ourselves.

On 12/12/2023 at 4:03 AM, Fruitpunch said:

Aros use the term romantic orientation a lot when discussing their identity, but there's a newish term I've been hearing, which is relationship identity. I'm personally not as interested in defining my romantic orientation because I don't believe I've fully explored it; it's still partially unknown to me. But I feel much more confidence towards and affinity with a term like relationship identity or the concept of relationship drive. With those, I know I stand clearly as solo/nonamorous/single at heart (to use all the terms).

I feel relationship identity could encompass also polyamorous people who I feel struggle a bit with how they relate to LGBT+. Some polyamorous people feel like being in love with several people at once is a romantic orientation different from heteroremantic. But most don't consider polyamory by itself as queer (and most others agree) but still they somehow feel tangential to it.

12 hours ago, Fruitpunch said:

Related to this, I think a term I've been trying to find in the aro community has been an aro equivalent of libido/sex drive. Before I'd ever heard of the aro community, I would understand myself through the concept of having no "relationship drive." This feels like something of a counterpart to libido/sex drive.
 

I could make a separate reply to each of your paragraph but that would take so long so I'll start with this one. The "relationship libido" is an interesting one. That could be a useful term for both aros and allos talking about choosing not to be in a romantic relationship.

@Fruitpunchyou raised question were does aros fit in with this rising solo movement?

Also you mentioned orchidspec which I don't think I've seen before.

I personally identify with the term solo because I don't want a significant other. If someone invented a pill that could change people's romantic orientation I wouldn't change mine. So I feel much more connected with aros that are single for life than with aros that are partnered.

I found a funny Facebook page called singlenormativity

In another thread there was some discussion about aromantics as relating to the bigger pool of people who are solo/single at heart / nonamorous. Some identify as aro, some might fit the definition but not identify either because they don't know about it or for some other reason. Some are allo but choosing not to have romantic relationships for various reason. Some have romantic relationships but still feel they are outside the regular partnered experience.

Overall there's a rising single movement, at least in the US, which aromantics are affected indirectly by.

@Fruitpunchm

I agree it's interesting. I'll make a thread of it's own for this conversation so it doesn't get buried.