omitef

The first time we physically met was in an elevator. We had talked before, online, after finding out we were going to the same summer camp together. We knew a couple things about each other. We both had few friends. We both gamed. I knew she was from England, and she knew I was from America. I knew she was cis, and for all intents and purposes, straight, but she didn't know I was trans, because I didn't tell her. That would lead to...interesting...consequences later.

I'd seen her face from her profile picture, but she hadn't seen mine. So I found her before she found me. Right away I sensed something was "off" about her. Not in a bad way. I just knew there was something different, and that different was interesting.

So I introduced myself. And we said hi. And then that was it. As the elevator went up, I lowkey panicked when we got off on the same floor. I highkey panicked when we walked into the same room, and ran into two other girls. Great, I thought, bracing myself for invasive questions and excessive misgendering. I didn't want to defend myself in front of her, and give her the wrong impression of me as someone who was hostile or unfriendly. But thankfully, everyone was okay with who I was, and she didn't question my identity at all. It wasn't exactly the best way to get acquainted with someone you wanted to build an intimate connection with, but it was a start.

By the end of the first week, I learned a few more things about her. I learned that she was intense. When she asked you questions, even if it was something as simple as, "Do you do any extracurriculars?" or "What's school like for you," the words would shoot out of her mouth like bullets. When she looked at you, she seemed to be studying you--looking through you, even. I found myself attracted to her. I didn't want it to be romantic, but it became romantic. And when I realized I had a crush on her, I did everything I could to avoid her. But life had other plans. By the start of the second week, we were assigned to be partners for a project. I learned that she hated planning. I learned that I could work surprisingly fast to make up. So we actually finished our project faster than any other group did, and we spent all our spare time gaming on each other's laptops.

By the end of the third week, I learned that maybe she was interested in me, in a way that went beyond wanting to be friends. She had this interesting habit of only talking to me in whispers, so whenever we were talking, I had to get up close to hear what she was saying. And I knew she hated physical contact, but for some reason, she would go out of her way to physically contact me. She'd move the side of her forearm up against mine. And leave it there. For a long time. I'm talking, fifteen to thirty minutes. She did this frequently. Sometimes she'd change it up; if we were sitting, she'd move her knees, or her feet, even. I thought she was flirting with me. I wasn't really sure what to do with that information. Obviously the next step was to ask her out. I didn't want to. But that was what I was supposed to do...wasn't it?

I thought I had us figured out. But then, at the start of the fourth week, we went on a huge group trip, and she barely talked to me at all. In fact, she spent a lot of time talking to another guy who sometimes came to hang out with our friend group. So I felt kind of sad, and sort of isolated myself from them. Conveniently, there was an agender kid who noticed I was being alone, and came to talk to me. We started to talk to each other a lot, and to my surprise, she reacted with visible jealousy. Once, we were getting on the bus to head back to camp, and when my agender friend sat down next to me, she just shot me this really long, inquisitive look. Then she moved her forearm up to mine. And then I knew she hadn't lost interest. 

Throughout the rest of the week, she started following me around whenever she noticed I was spending a lot of one-on-one time with anyone. She'd keep trying to butt into my conversations, and I'd try to include her, but then she'd quickly back out again. She spent a lot more time talking to my agender friend, and a lot less time talking with the other dude, which I thought was funny. Things only got better during the fifth week. The entire camp was playing a secret santa-like game, and I ended up drawing her name. After drawing the names, we went around in a circle asking people what they wanted their secret santa to get them. As a joke, she said she wanted American stuff. So I spent an entire week secretly buying her American items, secretly watching her get excited over the American items, and secretly laughing at everyone getting jealous that her secret santa was buying her so much stuff. I also knew, from our conversations, that she loved coffee, so I bought her coffee every morning, and woke up early just to set it at her door, which just made her happier, and everyone else more upset. At the end of the camp, I wrote her a note, asking her out. I felt really sick and awful after I sent it out, partly because I felt like she would reject me, and partly because I wouldn't know what to do if she didn't. (I didn't know I was lithromantic at the time.)

The next morning, she found the note attached to her daily coffee, and she asked me to talk to her in private. She confessed that she'd never been romantically interested in anyone. For the most part, I was relieved. I felt like a huge burden had been lifted off of my shoulders, now that I know I didn't have to date her. But I was also scared. She told me she wanted to stay in contact, but I was worried that she'd try to distance herself from me, to discourage any lingering feelings I might have. But when we went back to the table, she pressed her ankle up against mine. And then I knew things wouldn't change. 

If anything, it made us more intimate with each other. Now that we knew how we felt in relation to each other, there was no fear of miscommunication. I remember a really intimate moment we shared during the camp's ending assembly. Even though the auditorium was completely full, she was still talking to me in whispers, so I had to lean in. Once she leaned in so close, we nearly kissed. And when we pulled away from each other, there was this kid, just staring at us with this inquisitive look on his face. I think that was probably the first queerplatonic moment I ever experienced. And I really liked how it felt, and I could tell she did, too.

It's been months since the camp has ended, and we're still, to put it in her terms, "good friends." After the camp, I spent months reading up on aromanticism. I learned that all the things she did that I perceived as flirting or signs of romantic interest, were probably signs of platonic interest. Since then, I've completely lost my romantic feelings for her. They've transformed into a kind of love that I haven't really felt for anyone, a love that's rooted in a deep sense of respect, empathy, and intimacy. A lot of my allo friends say that this is just romantic love, but it's not, because I've felt romantic love after her, and it's completely different. A lot of aros and aces I've talked to have said that this is platonic love, and that she and I are essentially queerplatonic partners, but I feel like it's unnecessary to label our relationship. I care deeply about her, and she cares deeply about me. That's all I ever need to know.