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Our attitudes to AVEN

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On 24/01/2017 at 4:58 PM, Dodgypotato said:

EDIT: So the OP asked how aros were oppressed so I showed them that bachelors thread. About how people not wanting relationships have historically literally been discriminated against in the past.

This might also tie in with the work of Dr Bella DuPaulo. Though it's interesting that you specifically mention the term 'bachelors thread', since that somewhat clashes with gender stereotypes. One of DePaulo's observations is that whilst married men can be paid more than single men there dosn't appear to be any such pay gap between married and single women.
 

On 24/01/2017 at 4:58 PM, Dodgypotato said:

Then they accuse me of 'derailing the thread'.

Most likely they didn't want their 'question' actually answered.

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On 10/06/2016 at 8:49 PM, Natkat said:

Going back to AVEN the problem is that AVEN is not and was never meant for aromantic people. 

AVEN is for asexuals so everything is linked towards asexual people. It's called "meet up section for asexual meet ups" not for asexual and aromantic. "It's for asexual and intersectionality" not intersectionality for ace or aro people. That is sure confusing for where you should post something if you are aro. The only place aros can post is in the romantic section but even that is not build for aromantic people but included all romantic orientations which means aros don't have much of a safe space to debate without alloromantics interrupting or feeling offended. So in short aromantics are the minority on AVEN and allosexual aros are twice as misplaced cause they are both not ace and also don't have much space as an aro.

pretty much exactly this. 

I knew about AVEN, so I went there to work out a label for my sexuality (work in progress...) I found aro very fast and it instantly clicked. While mining through all the information and experiences of others and trying to figure out the separations between attraction, if I can even separate them, I kept going back to the (a)romantic or census forum they have on AVEN for a break. Most of the topics on the (a)romantic forum were all about dating or feelings, or they were Am I Lith/Demi/Grayromantic topics. On one topic about 'are physical aesthetics important if you want to date' I was sooo tempted to reply: yes. it is the only way you are getting in my pants. Reading all the sex repulsed ace replies I decided I needed somewhere else to go, and I stumbled across this place! I do appreciate AVEN, I haven't found hate beyond those links you posted (but I am only a new member) however I do feel like aros are a small voice there, and non-sex repulsed aros are quieter still. 

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9 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

I do feel like aros are a small voice there, and non-sex repulsed aros are quieter still. 

While there's a lot of aro aces, the aromantic experience and the asexual experience are very different when separated. I could very easily understand how an allosexual aro would not want to hang around AVEN (or any other asexual forum) at all. I even felt a bit out of place as a sex-neutral ace. I've always felt much more strongly attached to my aro identity.

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It's also more professional here and everyone seems to get along. Mods can actually go offline for days and things will be fine.

 

Aven on the other hand... well that's another story.

 

 

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Yeah, I have seen some Things Go Down on AVEN when mods were away for even a few days. To the point where I had to tell people they were out of line, and I'm nowhere near being a mod there. There are certain subforums that, while in and of themselves they're perfectly wonderful and supportive places when you talk to the regulars, also tend to attract way more than their fair share of trolls sometimes (*cough*Gender Discussions*cough*). Which is a shame, because those are often the places where people go to get away from things like that.

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On 8/25/2017 at 10:46 AM, Arocalypse said:

It's also more professional here and everyone seems to get along. Mods can actually go offline for days and things will be fine.

 

Aven on the other hand... well that's another story.

 

 

Definitely. It might have something to do with how much smaller Arocalypse is, but I've noticed in general that aromantic communities in general seem to be much more... agreeable? There's way less petty arguing.

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On 13/09/2017 at 11:59 AM, techno-trashcan said:

There's way less petty arguing.

One thing I have noticed recently, but it has probably been around for ages there, is on 'Am I X?' the people replying either answer 'labels don't matter, but here is the definition for asexual' or people end up debating the exact definitions of different terms or attraction rather than be helpful to the questioning person. Maybe I am just reading everything over there without a smile emoji as being passive aggressive, but I think there has been a spike in the arguing. I have avoided commenting on some things there because it seemed ready to blow up. 

 

Also on AVEN it seems like so many of the 'Am I X?' posters don't read any of the information on the site and make that their first post hoping for a quick definite answer even though it is against the forum rules to label someone. Maybe I am just salty that all these badly worded posts with misused terms keep getting more replies in 2 days than my 'Help me find my X, throw suggestions at me' post has gotten in more than a week. 

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This sums up my views overall:

 

Quote

Gallifrey Base is to Doctor Who what AVEN is to asexuality — good place to start, bad place to hang.

 

While it does have its redeeming features, the problem with that is it can be quite addictive regardless of how toxic it can be. There's way too much passive-aggression and it seems to be more for politics than asexuality now. Few have any confidence on what asexuality is and most of those that do are either "elitist" or leave AVEN for that or other reasons due to the lack of support and (political) opponents hijacking it all. I've seen too many good people just disappear while the trolls or "crypto-trolls" who're more clever but manipulative remain for building their cults. Then there are those who just complain for the sake of complaining but never get to the point.

 

AVEN has taught me a lot years ago, and temporarily gave me friends, but it has also taught me you can't always trust people especially online no matter how sensible they seem or wordy their posts are. "Nice" people can be just "nice" in public when they want something, then stab you in the back or leave you when they want you gone too, including the highest ranking admods. Quite honestly I wasn't quite this paranoid until the last few years mostly thanks to AVEN.

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I kind of hesitate on threads like these because I've been active on AVEN for 5+ years. I feel like I've seen and participated in these exact critique threads on several sites that don't exist anymore, including AroPlane and the original Arocalype, often agreeing with the negative observations of the site. Yet here I am, where AVEN is the only forum where I've ever broken even 1000 posts, not to mention the only online community that has stuck in the long term with me. I see it as too big of a mass to paint in one stroke, and perception depends a lot on how the end user approaches the site.

 

AVEN spearheaded the introspection I needed to figure out my orientations and gender. I was actually part of the push for an aromantic subforum on the site and quickly got involved with AroPlane for the aromantic discussion I was looking for. The romantic orientation subforum that we ultimately got just never appealed to me, and that board feels kind of alienating to the average aromantic, as it falls into all the usual trappings of the site (Ex. 'am I X' threads, obsession with defining attraction, among other repetitive thread types) while also giving far more voice to romantic aces than aromantic ones.

 

That said, I've posted about asexuality/aromanticism enough over the years that I actually find posting on those topics a touch repetitive and tiring. I probably wouldn't be posting anymore if not for finding a community that I genuinely clicked with: AVEN's Gender Discussion forum. (~75% of my total AVEN content came from after I came out to myself as trans in February 2016. I've been a member since 2012.)  I've made genuine friendships on there that I never expected, and I even have a pen pal now who I met on there. Honestly, since I tire so much of general ace/aro discussion in general, I stay out of most the boards that seem to cause the drama that make people rant about AVEN on other sites. 

 

AVEN's got a shit ton of people. The ace discussion often feels like a crowded train station, where some people may stick around, but most are transient and the conversations almost become white noise. Those kinds of crowds make you feel like you're talking to yourself rather than having a true conversation. As a slow, methodical poster, my voice often felt lost in that crowd. That made smaller aro communities work out much better for me, even if now, I feel like I have so little to say that I barely post anymore. That said, using the size of the site to engage smaller subcommunities ended up what kept me on the site. There's enough activity to find new conversation, but not so much that your voice doesn't get heard. 

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13 hours ago, Ace of Amethysts said:

Now if only I hadn't been a stressed idiot.

 

If I didn't, I wouldn't have found a reason to leave AVEN for good.

 

If anything good came out of though is it was a major humility lesson. Yes I probably shouldn't have gone back in the first place but I didn't know better and I forgive myself at least for hoping.

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