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Saber_Wing

Thoughts on coping with best friend being in a relationship?

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My best friends and I live together, and one of them currently has a girlfriend. Although I really like the girl, and consider her a friend as well now, I find myself feeling completely alienated and alone. The closer they get to each other, the worse I feel. I understand why. I'm scared of ending up alone, no matter how selfish that is. As much as I love that they're together, and wish them every ounce of happiness they can find in each other, it makes me feel as if my relationship with my best friend isn't as important. As if now that they have this romantic relationship, they'll one day move out together and do whatever it is couples do in romantic relationships, and I'll be left behind.

 

Platonic feelings are every bit as deep as romantic ones. They're just different. That's what I think, anyway. I just feel lonely because what's enough for me never will be for amorous people, and I'm surrounded by them. It will always seem a bit strange, a bit as if I'm 'missing out,' to them. God, all of this sounded a lot better in my head, it's coming out a rambling mess :rofl: 

 

This forum and everyone in it makes me feel a little bit less misunderstood and alone. Thanks for that, guys. I just wanted to get this out so that I can begin finding new ways to cope, and if anyone has any advice for me on that front, it would be much appreciated. It's not fair of me to be feeling as if I've lost something because of what they've gained in each other.

 

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I feel for you. It's always sad when one feels like ones relationship comes second place in peoples eyes. 

 

I don't really have any advice to give. Perhaps you could talk to your friend about it. Say that you really appreciate your close friendship and wonder if you can keep it even if things get serious with gf. 

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OOOOOH shit okay so both my queerplatonic friend and my best friend have gotten into relationships recently and I totally empathize with your feelings of fear. My queerplatonic friend lives in England, and I was planning to actually move to England eventually so I could be closer to her, but now that I know she might end up having a coupled life with family of her own, I feel like me moving to England would just be intrusive. Also I was planning to study abroad in England next year, so I could see her, but now that she has a boyfriend I don't know if he'd see it as "emotional cheating" if we extensively hung out together. Meanwhile my best friend is a hardcore romantic, and so's his new girlfriend, and honestly, I don't want to be anywhere around them (because romance-repulsion). I feel selfish for only wanting to hangout with him if it's just us. 

 

Both my queerplatonic and best friends already knew about my fears, since I'm very out about being aro and I frequently point out how it's unjust for society to value romantic relationships to the point where friendships are completely dismissed. As a result, both of my friends reassured me that our friendships would still be just as strong, despite their romantic relationships. But...I don't really believe them. Because even if they don't want our friendship to change, I don't trust their partners not to demand increasingly more and more time from them, until the relationship becomes the main focus of their social lives. Also, since both of my friends are alloromantic, I assume that they inherently desire for romance to be the main focus of their lives, and that they won't really feel awful for fading our friendship out in favour of romance. In a way I've sort of accepted the worst case scenario that they'll ditch me for their partners. In a way I feel like our friendships are on a deadline. There are some days where I feel like our friendship's already over, and I'm just friends with the ghost of what I thought our friendship could be, being friends with the dead hope of rebelling together against amatonormativity.

 

Coping? Yeah, I'm "coping." By jumping to the worst conclusion so that I won't be as hurt if/when it happens. By assuming the worst of everyone around me. I've tried to think of things this way: it's not my friends' fault, or their partners' fault, if they choose romance over friendship. People can't control what they want, and we can't control the fact that we were born into a world where choosing romance over friendship is socially acceptable. If my friendships are on a deadline, then so be it. I will not spend what little time I have left with my friends being bitter towards them, or obsessing over a reality that can't come true. I will spend what little time I have left with my friends treasuring them, and loving them to the fullest, trying to give them the great friendship today that we both deserve. It's the least I can do. It's the only thing I can do.

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, omitef said:

There are some days where I feel like our friendship's already over, and I'm just friends with the ghost of what I thought our friendship could be, being friends with the dead hope of rebelling together against amatonormativity.

 

 

This right here is exactly how I feel. I relate to you so much right now! I thought we would all have this great, nonromantic life together and now that has been called into question. I almost feel betrayed. I know that's wrong of me, I admit that. I always knew there was at least a slight possibility it could happen. She's gray-romantic, so that possibility always existed. But we've all been through so much together and become so close, we refer to ourselves as family. We've talked about buying a house together. We have cats together. Now I don't know if that's even still something she wants, even though I still do. I guess I'm also not used to having to 'share' her either. We've been friends for over a decade, and inseperable for about half that time, so it's just weird to me still, you know? And then there are the times when they cuddle, and go off to do whatever it is 'normal' couples do behind closed doors. That just makes me feel a little awkward for obvious reasons.

 

But, you're right. In the end, all that matters now is what's happening in this moment. What has to be, will be. All I can do in the meantime is cherish them, even if one day, we aren't as close as we used to be. I've come a long way with my mental illnesses, and I've been able to live in the hear and now, instead of being controlled by my anxieties. I'll be damned if I'm going to fuck up my track record now :rofl:

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3 hours ago, Saber_Wing said:

I thought we would all have this great, nonromantic life together and now that has been called into question. I almost feel betrayed. I know that's wrong of me,

 

Me too, with my queerplatonic friend. I remember getting so excited when she asked me which country we wanted to move to...and I was so sure that she'd be aro too, because she'd been questioning her romantic orientation for a really long time. And she sounded quite certain about it, she kept saying that it'd be unlikely for her to ever get a romantic partner, or even another queerplatonic friend besides me...although I imagine it must be an entirely different level of hurt when you've already established that life together, and are actually living it out, like you and your best friend. I'm sorry and I truly hope that she still does want to commit to a nonromantic life with you.

 

As for the sharing, I'm polyplatonic, so thinking about sharing platonic partners is a regular practice for me. I think, since I've had more than one queerplatonic partner, it's made me more understanding of how people feel when they love more than one person at once. Also, two of my squishes are alloromantic, yet I feel very secure with them--I don't feel like they'd ever just casually ditch me for their romantic partners. We've also talked a lot about our different partners, which has helped ease fears (on both sides, I think, because they also know I'm poly and are curious about my serious relationships). I feel like I'd honestly be able to trust my queerplatonic friend's boyfriend much more, if I actually met him. But I haven't met him--I asked my queerplatonic friend if I could meet him, and she hasn't responded yet...curse timezones. 

 

Another thing: reading the webcomic "Kimchi Cuddles," which is written by a polyamorous artist named Tikva (they/them pronouns), has helped me a lot with understanding ways to make partner-sharing work well. If you ever want to get advice for partner-sharing you can totally check the webcomic out. You can also PM me, for advice, for venting, for anything!

 

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On 09/04/2017 at 4:18 AM, Saber_Wing said:

This right here is exactly how I feel. I relate to you so much right now! I thought we would all have this great, nonromantic life together and now that has been called into question. I almost feel betrayed. I know that's wrong of me, I admit that. I always knew there was at least a slight possibility it could happen. She's gray-romantic, so that possibility always existed.

There can also be a sense of disappointment and self doubt over discovering someone you though was like you isn't. Maybe especially when such people are incredibly rare in the first place.

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Have you talked with your friend about how you feel? It's not just aros who value close platonic bonds - maybe your friend values your friendship just as much.  

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