have you ever had a romantic relationship?

[dordor]

i, myself, have had a very bad experience of it. aside from the fact that i couldn't give her what she wanted from me(dates, hand holding, romantic shits) she was kinda really possessive and controlling. it was reaally weird i knew i liked her very much but at the same time i knew i liked her in a very different way that she liked me. this happened about 6 month before my aro awakening, and believe me when i say i didn't spend a minute of those 6 month without thinking i was broken for not feeling what she felt. 

so how about you? any experience? before or after aro awakening? or if you are on the spectrum how has your experience with romance been like? 

[ellie04]

I’m in one currently it’s really confusing cuz I thought I’d never be in one this is the only romantic relationship I’ve ever been in and tbh it feels good (which is even weirder) I’m aroace more specifically demi but I never knew I was demi because I never got this close before.

[dordor]

15 minutes ago, ellie04 said:

I’m in one currently it’s really confusing cuz I thought I’d never be in one this is the only romantic relationship I’ve ever been in and tbh it feels good (which is even weirder) I’m aroace more specifically demi but I never knew I was demi because I never got this close before.

it's nice figuring new things about yourself, isn't it?

[Fox]

I’ve been in two romantic relationships, before I realized I am (probably) aromantic. The first one, I was asked out by a friend, and I had never thought of liking them before but was like “sure, why not” (in my head lol). So we dated, but it was a little odd because we rarely did anything romantic. We never held hands, never kissed, or said I love you. I was sort of wondering if it would ever happen, but more out of confusion rather than a desire to do those things. The only romantic thing we did was send mushy texts to each other, which I half liked, half felt grossed out by. Anyways, I realized I didn’t feel anything towards them so we broke up. Then, I thought I felt attraction towards another friend and asked him out. I’m still not sure what I was really feeling then to this day, but as the relationship progressed it became clear he liked me in a different way than I liked him. I felt uncomfortable doing romantic things with him, but I tried to convince myself that I liked it because we were in a relationship, and I did indeed care for him a lot. It was just…in a different way. There was also the issue that he became possessive and toxic, and I will admit I was probably not the best at communicating myself, but we were young, I didn’t know...It wasn’t until a year later after breaking up that I realized I could be aromantic. Since then I feel relieved that I don’t have to be in a relationship, and every now and then I think I may feel attraction, but I feel a lot freer knowing I don’t have to force myself into relationships I’m uncomfortable with.

[Keith]

I had one. We started dating when we were pretty young (not that I'm much older now, but I think saying that said that I have matured since then would not be an understatement), because we were both 12. It was... pretty awkward, to say at least, but it's what helped me realize I'm aro. It's kind of a long story, but to sum up - I tried to write a love letter for her, but it didn't come out very romantic, which led me to thinking that maybe it's because I'm not that romantic myself either. So, I did a lot of research, and ended up with the conclusion that I'm somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. I wasn't sure about it, which is why I never exactly specified it to my girlfriend (I did tell her though). We broke up about six months after my realization, and honestly - I felt reliefed. It's not that I didn't like her (back then, I mean, because if I knew what she's been doing when I wasn't around, I probably would've broken up with her earlier), but I felt kind of trapped in our relationship, you know? And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying all romantic relationships are like that, it's just what mine was for me.

P.S. I feel like this explanation is soooo messy... I hope you get what I mean.

Edited December 3, 2023 by Keith

[queerestfungi]

I’ve been in two and from what I’ve read here I think we can all agree that there’s something uniquely traumatic about being in a romantic relationship as an aromantic…just trying so hard at something so alien and knowing that you can never be enough for that person in the way they want you to be. The near-constant fear of being broken. Trying to force yourself into something that will never work.
Also, reading y’all’s messages is great because it puts my own experiences into perspective. My first romantic relationship got really toxic and the second I only go into because I was trying to prove I wasn’t ‘broken’. 
I mean most of us ended up feeling trapped and / or things turned toxic in these relationships. Guess it proves it ain’t meant to be, and that’s okay!

[dordor]

9 hours ago, Keith said:

I had one. We started dating when we were pretty young (not that I'm much older now, but I think saying that said that I have matured since then would not be an understatement), because we were both 12. It was... pretty awkward, to say at least, but it's what helped me realize I'm aro. It's kind of a long story, but to sum up - I tried to write a love letter for her, but it didn't come out very romantic, which led me to thinking that maybe it's because I'm not that romantic myself either. So, I did a lot of research, and ended up with the conclusion that I'm somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. I wasn't sure about it, which is why I never exactly specified it to my girlfriend (I did tell her though). We broke up about six months after my realization, and honestly - I felt reliefed. It's not that I didn't like her (back then, I mean, because if I knew what she's been doing when I wasn't around, I probably would've broken up with her earlier), but I felt kind of trapped in our relationship, you know? And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying all romantic relationships are like that, it's just what mine was for me.

P.S. I feel like this explanation is soooo messy... I hope you get what I mean.

I totally understand. I kinda felt the same too towards my "ex".it is really weird isn't it? Al lot of people like u who has had experience with romantic relationships would describe thier relationships just like this

5 hours ago, queerestfungi said:

I’ve been in two and from what I’ve read here I think we can all agree that there’s something uniquely traumatic about being in a romantic relationship as an aromantic…just trying so hard at something so alien and knowing that you can never be enough for that person in the way they want you to be. The near-constant fear of being broken. Trying to force yourself into something that will never work.
Also, reading y’all’s messages is great because it puts my own experiences into perspective. My first romantic relationship got really toxic and the second I only go into because I was trying to prove I wasn’t ‘broken’. 
I mean most of us ended up feeling trapped and / or things turned toxic in these relationships. Guess it proves it ain’t meant to be, and that’s okay!

It is really TRAUMATIC. Maybe if we weren't aromantic our past partners wouldn't have gotten so toxic... could it be the reason?? or maybe not. 

And yeah it is really nice to read how many other people have also gone through this, i really wasn't expecting such response whem posted this

[ellie04]

On 12/3/2023 at 7:53 AM, dordor said:

it's nice figuring new things about yourself, isn't it?

definitely 

[Fox]

17 hours ago, dordor said:

Maybe if we weren't aromantic our past partners wouldn't have gotten so toxic... could it be the reason??

I think it depends on the situation, but for me it was like my aromanticism exacerbated his pre-existing insecurities and toxic traits.

Spoiler/trigger warning for toxic relationships:

Spoiler

In my second relationship, my ex had a lot of insecurities and personal issues from a difficult home life, and never seemed to feel secure in our relationship and my love for him. He would seek reassurance that I "truly loved him" on almost a daily basis, and I would attempt to comfort him and communicate my love but it was never enough. This was because I was feeling a different type of love than what he wanted, but I didn't know it at the time. This ends up being a perfect match for disaster where he never feels loved enough, and I'm forcing myself to say I love him in a way that feels unnatural for me, which he probably picked up on and that feeds into his insecurities, and the cycle continues...I do think that his issues would have come up in the relationship at some point regardless of my aromanticism, but that definitely fed into the negative feedback loop and made things a lot worse.

Thanks for this thread y'all, I feel like I understand what happened back then a lot better.

 

[alto]

I've been in four.  Only one (my third) was halfway decent.  I am grateful to be single since 2019.

[dordor]

7 hours ago, Fox said:

I think it depends on the situation, but for me it was like my aromanticism exacerbated his pre-existing insecurities and toxic traits.

Spoiler/trigger warning for toxic relationships:

  Hide contents

In my second relationship, my ex had a lot of insecurities and personal issues from a difficult home life, and never seemed to feel secure in our relationship and my love for him. He would seek reassurance that I "truly loved him" on almost a daily basis, and I would attempt to comfort him and communicate my love but it was never enough. This was because I was feeling a different type of love than what he wanted, but I didn't know it at the time. This ends up being a perfect match for disaster where he never feels loved enough, and I'm forcing myself to say I love him in a way that feels unnatural for me, which he probably picked up on and that feeds into his insecurities, and the cycle continues...I do think that his issues would have come up in the relationship at some point regardless of my aromanticism, but that definitely fed into the negative feedback loop and made things a lot worse.

Thanks for this thread y'all, I feel like I understand what happened back then a lot better.

 

I am sorry you had to go through that❤ 

Happy to help ❤

4 hours ago, alto said:

I've been in four.  Only one (my third) was halfway decent.  I am grateful to be single since 2019.

Good for youu! 

[Collie]

Never and tbh I can hardly imagine it outside of writing fiction about it

[Fox]

12 hours ago, dordor said:

I am sorry you had to go through that❤ 

Happy to help ❤

Thank you, I appreciate it ❤️

[Oko]

I never had another than bad relationship. It usually took just a little months (I was a young student). My last relationship took 4,5 years and it was really bad and toxic. He was insecure and jealous. He complained about me because I didn't say him "I love you" often (almost never, it was useless for me because he had to know it). 

When the relationship was in the beggining he often did the romantic things, but I didn't because I didn't know how to do it. I didn't know how to be romantic. He found out I'm not a romantic person.

When I started to live alone and broke up, I found out how amazing is being single. I tried being in relationship but it's not for me.

[DreamSeeker]

I have had one, and that was before I realized I was aro. I was actually the one who asked them out, frankly because I assumed that if your feelings arent platonic, you like them in a romantic way. We broke it off after 8 months- well he did, but it was mutual- and we just decided on staying friends. I’m honestly surprised it lasted as long as it did lol.

[Synthetic Adrenaline]

Yes and they bombed.

I thought wanting sex was the same thing as wanting a relationship. I was wrong.

Hated saying I love you and hated being tethered to someone.