I need advice, please.

[ozymandias]

This is my first time writing on here, and I genuinely need advice. I have had some perhaps unique experiences, and are wondering if anyone relates. Sorry for the paragraph in advance, just needed to put it into words. Please, read to the end.

Is it normal for an aromantic to "obsess" over romance? Like thinking about it constantly, watching for warning signs in people and always watching motives, liking occasional romantic stuff, ect? This is all very funny because me myself don't feel that way about people very often, so it seems like a paradox. There is this constant sinking feeling in my chest and I believe it is being caused by that. For some reason, in the fall I always become a little more uncertain about myself, which is odd (maybe because of hoco and lots of stress on romance). I really would like to believe I am aromantic, but I am young and don't want to shut out the possibility of the other, even though I am perpetually terrified of relationships in real life. I like romance, but the thought of it being in my real life and letting myself get to that point terrifies me. It seems as though there are two people inside of me, one romance favorable and the other scared. Maybe I am just shutting down emotions, even though none have been for a real person in a while. Which is amusing because even though I can imagine myself with "them" (it literally can be anyone), it is never "me". It is just a story, a work of fiction. I don't know how to explain it in the most tactful way, it just feels wrong. I have had problems with trusting people, so maybe what I am craving is just a person I can trust with anything. I feel like a fraud, truly. I probably am having trouble differentiating between romantic and platonic attraction. In all honesty, I don't think I could, my idea of romance has been twisted to the point of unrecognition. I don't really know what romantic attraction really feels like anymore. Sometimes I wish I could live as a blind allo living in blissful ignorance, with no knowledge of anything of the sort, and just feel. Oh well. Can't go back now. This all probably seems very melodramatic, but I am just trying to be as logical and pragmatic as I can in this situation. The real reason I am writing this down is because I haven't in truth seen many other aros have this problem before and am wondering if any others have experienced this before. Some say the definition of aromantic is to either not feel romantic attraction, or have a unique experience with romance/romantic attraction, but a lot of what I have seen on this site is the first. I am probably some mixture of the two. All i know is that something isn't right, and I have become desperate enough for an identity to ask random strangers on the internet. 

I really would appreciate some advice, anything. Just if you relate to the experiences, I don't even care. I feel very alone. I really hate the thought of me being an allo in denial, but if that is the way it should be, that is the way it is. To be quite honest I am terrified of romance in my real life, and I think that thought would finally send me a little further off the edge. To be even more honest, I don't have a solid "point" to this entire writing, but it feels good to somehow put it into words. I know I am signing myself up for disappointment by even asking about something as convoluted as this in the first place, but I am past that point of caring now (i definitely still care dont fall for that). I think I am aro, in some way or another, but I don't know how comfortable I would be using that outside of my own head.

Sorry for the vent, genuinely thanks for taking the time to read this. It means a lot to me, although I am pretty scared to see what people think of this whole writing.

signing off, ozymandias 

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

Does it really matter? I mean, if you’re uncomfortable with romantic relationships, you’re uncomfortable with romantic relationships. Call yourself aro if you want, or don’t if you don’t want to, but the way you’re talking here you make it sound like you think you have two options: identify as aro, or pursue a romantic relationship. But like… You don’t have to do either of those things if you don’t want to. It’s fine to just not be in a romantic relationship. It’s also fine to identify how you wish and change your mind later if your feelings change. 
That being said, I don’t think it’s healthy for yourself nor fair to others to scrutinize people in search of signs of romance. 

In conclusion, just relax. Romance and your stance on it one way or the other isn’t the only thing that matters, and you don’t need to give yourself some sort of ultimatum over it. Focus on the things that make you happy, not putting yourself and others under a microscope all the time. 

[Neon]

1 hour ago, ozymandias said:

even though I can imagine myself with "them" (it literally can be anyone), it is never "me". It is just a story, a work of fiction. I don't know how to explain it in the most tactful way, it just feels wrong.

This sounds just like me lmao. Before I accepted I was aromantic, whenever I imagined my future, I would picture a faceless woman married to a faceless man. If I tried to put my face onto the woman, I couldn't get it to look like me. If I tried to put someone I knew's face onto the man, it would look like him. I literally cannot conceptualize a future in which I am in a romantic relationship.

1 hour ago, ozymandias said:

Maybe I am just shutting down emotions, even though none have been for a real person in a while.

I thought I was doing that for a really long time. So I started writing down every time I felt what I considered the feeling associated with romantic attraction and how it felt. I felt the same thing singing in the car with my mom, petting my dog, looking at flowers, seeing someone's coloring of a mandala, and more. If I didn't have literal written records, I probably would have gaslit myself into believing it didn't happen, so I highly recommend doing the same if you want to start to parse that out.

1 hour ago, ozymandias said:

maybe what I am craving is just a person I can trust with anything.

This is me again! I had to force myself to share more of myself with the people I wanted to know me. It's a very slow process but my close friends were never surprised and never left me. After I started doing that, the craving for someone I could trust went away - I already have that person now.

1 hour ago, ozymandias said:

I feel like a fraud, truly

When I was first trying to accept myself as aromantic, I felt this all the time. It gets better. What helped me was avoiding all "am I aro" posts, quizzes, etc. like the plague, keeping track of my thoughts and feelings, and just using arospec and acespec instead of aromantic and asexual.

It also helped me to know that it's okay if you are wrong about this. Use the label now, and for however long it feels right. You aren't hurting anybody by doing so. In fact, there is a net benefit for using a label that you want to use: it hurts no one and HELPS YOU. So use it.

Also, there is no set way to be aromantic. There is no symptom list, no diagnostic criteria. The only thing you need to do to call yourself aromantic is find the label personally useful to describe your experiences. And based on what you described, the label aromantic seems to describe your experiences.

1 hour ago, ozymandias said:

I probably am having trouble differentiating between romantic and platonic attraction. In all honesty, I don't think I could, my idea of romance has been twisted to the point of unrecognition. I don't really know what romantic attraction really feels like anymore.

I don't have personal experience with this, but it may help to look into the microlabel quoiromantic (aka WTFromantic). The hallmark of it is that you cannot conceptualize romantic attraction/cannot tell the difference between romantic and platonic attraction. That being said, microlabels are not for everyone and I strongly advise against just scrolling through lists of them (I did that and it just made my self-invalidation so much worse).

1 hour ago, ozymandias said:

This all probably seems very melodramatic, but I am just trying to be as logical and pragmatic as I can in this situation.

It doesn't seem melodramatic at all! A lot of what you've said has rung very true to me. Don't feel bad about being upset or confused. It's brave to be so vulnerable with complete strangers, and I commend you.

Also, attraction isn't logical or easy to nail down. I know it's so much easier said than done, but don't stress this.

1 hour ago, ozymandias said:

a lot of what I have seen on this site is the first.

Trust me, that's probably a solid 95% of us here. It's genuinely one of the best resources I had when I was questioning/struggling to accept myself and I've learned a lot from the community here. I've completely revised my idea of aromanticism, romance, and love in general MANY times over the last few years lmao.

1 hour ago, ozymandias said:

I think I am aro, in some way or another, but I don't know how comfortable I would be using that outside of my own head.

Again, I relate so hard to this. It took a very long time for me to get fully comfortable admitting to anyone outside my head that I was aromantic. Hell, it took an extremely long time to get comfortable admitting I was aromantic INSIDE my head. Like I said before, it take time, but it gets easier, and then it gets effortless.

 

I really hope this helped, because I've been there myself. It's scary and confusing and overwhelming. I hope I payed forward what the people on this site did for me a little bit. I hope that you can find some solace in the fact that people here relate to your experiences. I also hope I was mostly coherent in this (it's 12:15am and I am tired). Please feel free to ask me any questions about my experiences.

[ozymandias]

8 hours ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

In conclusion, just relax. Romance and your stance on it one way or the other isn’t the only thing that matters, and you don’t need to give yourself some sort of ultimatum over it. Focus on the things that make you happy, not putting yourself and others under a microscope all the time.

Thank you, this makes a lot of sense! this whole topic probably isn't as deep as seemed as I wrote it at late last night. Everything I wrote is true, but thank you for the reality check.

 

[ozymandias]

8 hours ago, Neon said:

When I was first trying to accept myself as aromantic, I felt this all the time. It gets better. What helped me was avoiding all "am I aro" posts, quizzes, etc. like the plague, keeping track of my thoughts and feelings, and just using arospec and acespec instead of aromantic and asexual.

Oh, I fell into that rabbit hole of the quizzes so bad. It didn't help me at all, and I also did end up looking more into micro-labels, which also didn't help like you mentioned further down as I felt i didn't fit into those specific "categories". My friend off-handedly mentioned to me (i honestly don't know how this conversation started) "Oh, you sound like you are aromantic!" and I had no clue what that meant, or why I seemed like that just from interactions. and then I looked into it, and went in a spiral. And now I am here. I actually considered using those labels, but then I felt I didn't even "qualify" to be arospec, so I just stopped even thinking it. thank you for reminding me that more general labels exist! Most of <<this>> is probably because of a dislike for labels, but this puts the options of being a little more general and vague about it, which I definitely am.

8 hours ago, Neon said:

I really hope this helped, because I've been there myself. It's scary and confusing and overwhelming. I hope I payed forward what the people on this site did for me a little bit. I hope that you can find some solace in the fact that people here relate to your experiences. I also hope I was mostly coherent in this (it's 12:15am and I am tired).

Thank you, truly, for your responses! They really helped me put a bit of perspective on it. you don't even know how much relief I felt when someone could relate to my experiences. I do think I got in my own head a bit (it was late when I wrote that lol) and need to just stop overthinking it. Because really, it isn't that deep. But it is so useful to hear someone else's experiences on something I thought I had alone. Thanks for taking the time out of your day (or night) to reply to this! I won't hesitate to ask more questions if needed.

[Holmbo]

I think society in general put so much focus on romance but really you can have deep committed relationships which are friendships. So if you're having trouble trusting people start by building some trusting friendships.

[Guest Fable]

Hello! This isn’t so much as advice as it is just confirmation that other people share your experiences. Hoco season has definitely made this worse for me as well, but yeah, I think I’m aromantic or arospec and I have for a few years, but I’m still obsessed with romance. It’s so hard do describe, but I love the concept of it and certain aspects of romantic relationships, but I can’t really seriously picture myself being with anyone specific. I feel like anyone could fit into that blank, because in my head it’s just kind of a story. It can get so frustrating to the point that I honestly have no idea what I’m feeling anymore since I just overthink and imagine myself into believing I have a “crush.” I don’t know what to tell you except to stop thinking so deeply about it. Easier said than done, I know. It can be hard to be surrounded by couples and friends who look like they have everything together (at least in regards to knowing what feelings they are and aren’t feeling), but you don’t need to pressure yourself too heavily into figuring out exactly what you’re experiencing. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel, and if you don’t feel certain things, move on. Don’t try and categorize yourself unless you know you want to. It’s ok if things seem like they conflict each other. You don’t have to fit into anyone’s perspective of you, even your own at times.

 

Sidenote: thank you so much for posting this. I thought I was the only one who had such conflicting thoughts and feelings regarding romance and it’s been driving me insane for ages.

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

On 10/7/2023 at 12:30 AM, ozymandias said:

This is my first time writing on here, and I genuinely need advice. I have had some perhaps unique experiences, and are wondering if anyone relates. Sorry for the paragraph in advance, just needed to put it into words. Please, read to the end.

Is it normal for an aromantic to "obsess" over romance? Like thinking about it constantly, watching for warning signs in people and always watching motives, liking occasional romantic stuff, ect? This is all very funny because me myself don't feel that way about people very often, so it seems like a paradox. There is this constant sinking feeling in my chest and I believe it is being caused by that. For some reason, in the fall I always become a little more uncertain about myself, which is odd (maybe because of hoco and lots of stress on romance). I really would like to believe I am aromantic, but I am young and don't want to shut out the possibility of the other, even though I am perpetually terrified of relationships in real life. I like romance, but the thought of it being in my real life and letting myself get to that point terrifies me. It seems as though there are two people inside of me, one romance favorable and the other scared. Maybe I am just shutting down emotions, even though none have been for a real person in a while. Which is amusing because even though I can imagine myself with "them" (it literally can be anyone), it is never "me". It is just a story, a work of fiction. I don't know how to explain it in the most tactful way, it just feels wrong. I have had problems with trusting people, so maybe what I am craving is just a person I can trust with anything. I feel like a fraud, truly. I probably am having trouble differentiating between romantic and platonic attraction. In all honesty, I don't think I could, my idea of romance has been twisted to the point of unrecognition. I don't really know what romantic attraction really feels like anymore. Sometimes I wish I could live as a blind allo living in blissful ignorance, with no knowledge of anything of the sort, and just feel. Oh well. Can't go back now. This all probably seems very melodramatic, but I am just trying to be as logical and pragmatic as I can in this situation. The real reason I am writing this down is because I haven't in truth seen many other aros have this problem before and am wondering if any others have experienced this before. Some say the definition of aromantic is to either not feel romantic attraction, or have a unique experience with romance/romantic attraction, but a lot of what I have seen on this site is the first. I am probably some mixture of the two. All i know is that something isn't right, and I have become desperate enough for an identity to ask random strangers on the internet. 

I really would appreciate some advice, anything. Just if you relate to the experiences, I don't even care. I feel very alone. I really hate the thought of me being an allo in denial, but if that is the way it should be, that is the way it is. To be quite honest I am terrified of romance in my real life, and I think that thought would finally send me a little further off the edge. To be even more honest, I don't have a solid "point" to this entire writing, but it feels good to somehow put it into words. I know I am signing myself up for disappointment by even asking about something as convoluted as this in the first place, but I am past that point of caring now (i definitely still care dont fall for that). I think I am aro, in some way or another, but I don't know how comfortable I would be using that outside of my own head.

Sorry for the vent, genuinely thanks for taking the time to read this. It means a lot to me, although I am pretty scared to see what people think of this whole writing.

signing off, ozymandias 

I completely relate to the feeling of being "obsessed with romance," for I was like that before I realized I was aro and after. I feel like I have become a lot more aware of what romantic culture is (if you can even call it that), and I often strain myself in every social interaction to make sure that the person I'm talking to isn't somehow attracted to me in any way; sounds paranoid, I know, but it's not that I do it with every person I meet, I usually do that with people I'm just getting to know, which I rarely ever want to get to know new people. When I thought I was alloromantic, I would question often as to why the thought of me being in a romantic relationship made a pit open up in my stomach, and I questioned why I felt like I was just shutting down emotions around people who I speculated could've romantically liked me. I was confused and scared that I wasn't allowing myself to experience feelings or to experience relationships that I heard so constantly from friends that were amazing things, and yet those same friends would be crying their hearts out because their partner left them, or cheated on them, or when said friends would come to the conclusion that the relationship was never once healthy so they had to let their ex-partner go.

I never once understood why I was like that. Until I found out that I was aro. And everything made so much more sense. I slowly let go of the feeling that I wasn't "allowing" myself to experience certain feelings or relationships, and instead saw for what I was doing at a young age - and that was simply avoiding something that I didn't want.

I wish I could give you some advice, if you're still lost in all of this, but I don't think I can help in any new way that other people here have tried, and so I'll just say this: you're not alone. I promise.

Edited February 4 by The Newest Fabled Creature

[P4R4D0X]

I can't relate, but i can tell you some things and give some advice:

1. The definition of aro i have seen most commonly is feeling little to no romantic attraction. The aro-spec has so many categories and microlables and whatnot.

2. Maybe you, like many other people, are blurring the definitive borders between platonic and romantic love. Maybe society put too much romantic pressure on you. Maybe you can try to look for a qpr (Queer-platonic Relationship). Maybe this has to do with part of your past. I don't really know, its your life, not mine, and you probably shouldn't make big life decisions based off of a 12 year old that wanted to give you advice.

3. This website. Kinda out of date, but it helped me in research, soo...

Edited February 7 by N1GHTM4R3