So, Alloromantics Don't Have to Try to Have Their Crushes?

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

Hello! So, I seen a topic related to this before, and have seen other fellow aros/aro-specs on here bring up how alloros never really have to try - they just do - with their romantic feelings (the same, I think, can be said for some aro-specs who can experience romantic attraction, but I digress), and it got me wondering just how true that can be?

I'm not trying to debate that that isn't true, I believe that alloros do just have their romantic feelings and can't really control it (hell, I had a conversation with my very alloro brother who confirmed he had crushes on strangers before, after knowing them only a tiny bit - mostly just the person's name), but despite knowing this - the reason why I bring it up, is because I had a conversation with my mom about aromantic people. The talk went as well as someone who doesn't know much about the community would go (she did make assumptions about certain people being aro, mainly just aromantic men *sigh*) and she doesn't know I myself am aro, but she said something really damning to me. Now, I'm not going to assume anything about my own mom in regarding her own romantic orientation, but she did say, "People choose who they have a crush on, or who they fall in love with, all the time!" And it looked pretty clear that she meant everyone when she said that and it looked like she very much believed what she was saying. But, we all know that not every single person chooses who they like.

And so, back to the topic at hand, I know by now that this forum can be limited in the experiences of alloros or romantic feelings, but does anyone have any examples of alloro people they know not being able to choose who they crushed on, or any aro-specs who have experienced romantic attraction who may be able to further explain this? Because, I did try to tell her that - no, people don't choose who they like romantically, or at least, not everyone does that - and she looked deeply confused and steadfast in her thoughts. I can't exactly explain further to her about how alloros can't control themselves, since I'm not exactly the right person to answer that, and it's not necessarily my responsibility to try to convince her otherwise, but I guess for future reference it be cool to know examples.

 

TLDR; Anyone have any examples of alloros not being able to choose who they crushed on, or any aro-specs who didn't choose who they crushed on? I just really want to know.

Edited September 9, 2023 by The Newest Fabled Creature

[nonmerci]

I think the alloro experience is more : chosing if you act on the feelings or not.

Now I don't talk enough about this stuff to know, but I have the story of a girl who told me trhat her boyfriend at the time had an appearance that she didn't look at all (she usually was into more conventionally attractive guys) and yet she was attracted to him. I guess she would not have chosen him if she could.

There is also a friend who told me that at first, she just wanted sex with the guy but then romantic feelings developped. I am also not sure that she would have chosen it if she could as it was not her initial intent. 

Also, heartbreak would be a lot more easier if people could just chose to not be in love anymore.

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

On 9/9/2023 at 1:44 PM, nonmerci said:

I think the alloro experience is more : chosing if you act on the feelings or not.

Now I don't talk enough about this stuff to know, but I have the story of a girl who told me trhat her boyfriend at the time had an appearance that she didn't look at all (she usually was into more conventionally attractive guys) and yet she was attracted to him. I guess she would not have chosen him if she could.

There is also a friend who told me that at first, she just wanted sex with the guy but then romantic feelings developped. I am also not sure that she would have chosen it if she could as it was not her initial intent. 

Also, heartbreak would be a lot more easier if people could just chose to not be in love anymore.

Thank you for sharing! And, yeah, I guess the alloro experience isn't as cut in dry as I originally thought. I also agree on what you said, where the only choice an alloro person may have is to act on said feelings.

[Holmbo]

Haha sounds like a very aro thing for your mom to say. I'm thinking it's like nomerci says, people choose whether to act on their feelings. I think there also the act of dating and people maybe conflating that with the actual romantic feeling. Because when you date you usually bring in practical aspects to like does this person seem like they would make a good partner. If they do seem to make a good partner that can increase the persons romantic attraction to them too, and make it seem like they choose their attraction to them.

[Neon]

I don't know any alloro people who have ever chosen their crushes. Heck, I've even seen my alloro friends desperately want to date people they otherwise hate. If people could just choose to have/not have a crush on someone, there goes most relationship drama, which clearly is not the case. I'm not sure quite what your mom means, but if I had to guess I would say the same as everyone else here.

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

On 9/11/2023 at 2:28 AM, Holmbo said:

Haha sounds like a very aro thing for your mom to say. I'm thinking it's like nomerci says, people choose whether to act on their feelings. I think there also the act of dating and people maybe conflating that with the actual romantic feeling. Because when you date you usually bring in practical aspects to like does this person seem like they would make a good partner. If they do seem to make a good partner that can increase the persons romantic attraction to them too, and make it seem like they choose their attraction to them.

I did assume that she may have been conflating dating with romantic attraction (much like how some cis people conflate sex with gender because those two things are connected for them) and I think I can see how someone trying to see if a person makes a good partner could make their own romantic attraction stronger, and so maybe that's why she said that?

But yeah, that was a very aro thing for my mom to say lmao.

[Raininspring]

I have an alloro coworker (hetero cisgendered male) who literally become infatuated with a female coworker from the moment he saw her. After that it was like an uncontrollable obsession I saw him descend into with trying at every turn to spend time with her, even after he asked her out and she declined and just wanted to be friends. I was, at times, amused at his "puppy love" but later on also perplexed and a little concerned at his fixation on her. He started seeing aspects of her personality he disliked and for a period even swore off hanging out with her, only to go back on his word. Almost all our colleagues ended up disliking her for her poor work performance and advised him to set more boundaries with her outside of work, but he would not listen. I was appalled at how he was letting himself self destruct all because of some girl who didn't even reciprocate his feelings, and he wasn't dealing with that conflict in a healthy way. In his case, it was truly frightening for me to see how once his crush began he didn't know how to reign it in, even bemoaning once that he shouldn't have ever met her at that party (as if it was not his choice to develop intense uncontrollable feelings for her).

Edited February 7 by Raininspring

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

On 2/4/2024 at 8:48 PM, Raininspring said:

I have an alloro coworker (hetero cisgendered male) who literally become infatuated with a female coworker from the moment he saw her. After that it was like an uncontrollable obsession I saw him descend into with trying at every turn to spend time with her, even after he asked her out and she declined and just wanted to be friends. I was, at times, amused at his "puppy love" but later on also perplexed and a little concerned at his fixation on her. He started seeing aspects of her personality he disliked and for a period even swore off hanging out with her, only to go back on his word. Almost all our colleagues ended up disliking her for her poor work performance and advising him to set more boundaries with her outside of work, but he would not listen. I was appalled at how he was letting himself self destruct all because of some girl who didn't even reciprocate his feelings, and he wasn't dealing with that conflict in a healthy way. In his case, it was truly frightening for me to see how once his crush began he didn't know how to reign it in, even bemoaning once that he shouldn't have ever met her at that party (as if it was not his choice to develop intense uncontrollable feelings for her).

Woah! That sounds intense and mind-boggling! It kind of reminds me of my own co-workers who would talk about their romantic infatuations - not much like how that guy experienced his, but they would talk rather spontaneously about their love for someone, or the love for their current partner, and it always didn't click with me or left me bewildered.

[Raininspring]

2 hours ago, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

Woah! That sounds intense and mind-boggling! It kind of reminds me of my own co-workers who would talk about their romantic infatuations - not much like how that guy experienced his, but they would talk rather spontaneously about their love for someone, or the love for their current partner, and it always didn't click with me or left me bewildered.

My personal opinion is my allo coworker's infatuation was never a normal attraction. He is significantly younger than me by 12 years (I am 34, he is 22) so in the beginning I thought it was his age that made him a bit immature, despite that he has had serious girlfriends before. But now I think it is also a matter of life perspective. I have zero romantic relationship experience compared to him,but being who I am, I cannot imagine allowing myself to become so lost all due to an obsession with another person. He put her on a pedestal and even at times when her behavior gave him red flags, he was still blinded by the high of being around her. This is the dark side of amatonormativity that gives me the creeps. People allow themselves to be sucked into something that is clearly destructive.

I can see how uncomfortable it is to listen to coworkers talk about their love lives. I do not necessarily disagree with that lifestyle, but I do think it is problematic when romantic relationships become the person's focus all the time and they neglect to make time for their friends and room to enjoy life without constantly needing involvement from the person they are romantically attracted to.

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

6 hours ago, Raininspring said:

My personal opinion is my allo coworker's infatuation was never a normal attraction. He is significantly younger than me by 12 years (I am 34, he is 22) so in the beginning I thought it was his age that made him a bit immature, despite that he has had serious girlfriends before. But now I think it is also a matter of life perspective. I have zero romantic relationship experience compared to him,but being who I am, I cannot imagine allowing myself to become so lost all due to an obsession with another person. He put her on a pedestal and even at times when her behavior gave him red flags, he was still blinded by the high of being around her. This is the dark side of amatonormativity that gives me the creeps. People allow themselves to be sucked into something that is clearly destructive.

I can see how uncomfortable it is to listen to coworkers talk about their love lives. I do not necessarily disagree with that lifestyle, but I do think it is problematic when romantic relationships become the person's focus all the time and they neglect to make time for their friends and room to enjoy life without constantly needing involvement from the person they are romantically attracted to.

I agree with you on all of that. In my opinion, if a romantic infatuation becomes so obsessive that it damages one's relationships with others and damages one's relationship with their self, then it's not worth pursuing, but that's easier said than done for some allos. Like, I also have zero romantic experiences, but even then I'll notice these patterns and come up with solutions for the allos I know in my life, and these would be solutions that you'd think someone who has been through those types of romantic feelings or relationships would come up with from the get-go themselves; a lot of allos do, and some of them gain the knowledge of their own patterns and tendencies through time and more experience, but there would be allos who are just clueless about themselves sometimes.

Edited February 7 by The Newest Fabled Creature

[Ekaterina]

If my fictoromanticism side is anything to go by, then yes, it isn't something you choose, and when you are crushing you don't inherently know why you are crushing, but if pay a moment to reflect what is it that you like about them and analyze your tendencies about your other crushes, then you can, well not actually predict them, but have an idea of how probable is for you to develop a crush on this or that character. What the post above says about knowledge of patterns with experience.  Reflecting on what you like about them is also helpful to be able to distinguish the good things from the bad things, because crushing - even on a fictional character - makes you see them in general through rose-coloured glasses, which with a real person of course can have toxic and dangerous consequences. (Even with a fictional character it can have toxic consequences, as in, toxically obsessed fans of a character exist). This kind of feelings pass with time, I guess around several months for me (apparently for alloromantics with real people it can be several years), leaving behind all kinds of stuff from mildly condescending nice memories, to sobered shame if you were being particularly unreasonable, to lasting calmer fondness on a deeper level if looking with a more sober eye you still find them interesting/admirable/either way worthy of your positive feelings. The latter case is apparently what is supposed to happen with alloromantic people in a happy marriage. 

(The only thing I'm aware of that differs my fictional crushes from typical ones is that I don't fantasize about romantic relationships/romantic scenarios with them, which is main reason why I'm not 100% sure that it's romantic feelings - apparently, fantasizing is supposed to be a big part of romance) 

Edited February 7 by Ekaterina