So, Alloromantics Don't Have to Try to Have Their Crushes?

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

Hello! So, I seen a topic related to this before, and have seen other fellow aros/aro-specs on here bring up how alloros never really have to try - they just do - with their romantic feelings (the same, I think, can be said for some aro-specs who can experience romantic attraction, but I digress), and it got me wondering just how true that can be?

I'm not trying to debate that that isn't true, I believe that alloros do just have their romantic feelings and can't really control it (hell, I had a conversation with my very alloro brother who confirmed he had crushes on strangers before, after knowing them only a tiny bit - mostly just the person's name), but despite knowing this - the reason why I bring it up, is because I had a conversation with my mom about aromantic people. The talk went as well as someone who doesn't know much about the community would go (she did make assumptions about certain people being aro, mainly just aromantic men *sigh*) and she doesn't know I myself am aro, but she said something really damning to me. Now, I'm not going to assume anything about my own mom in regarding her own romantic orientation, but she did say, "People choose who they have a crush on, or who they fall in love with, all the time!" And it looked pretty clear that she meant everyone when she said that and it looked like she very much believed what she was saying. But, we all know that not every single person chooses who they like.

And so, back to the topic at hand, I know by now that this forum can be limited in the experiences of alloros or romantic feelings, but does anyone have any examples of alloro people they know not being able to choose who they crushed on, or any aro-specs who have experienced romantic attraction who may be able to further explain this? Because, I did try to tell her that - no, people don't choose who they like romantically, or at least, not everyone does that - and she looked deeply confused and steadfast in her thoughts. I can't exactly explain further to her about how alloros can't control themselves, since I'm not exactly the right person to answer that, and it's not necessarily my responsibility to try to convince her otherwise, but I guess for future reference it be cool to know examples.

 

TLDR; Anyone have any examples of alloros not being able to choose who they crushed on, or any aro-specs who didn't choose who they crushed on? I just really want to know.

Edited September 9 by The Newest Fabled Creature

[nonmerci]

I think the alloro experience is more : chosing if you act on the feelings or not.

Now I don't talk enough about this stuff to know, but I have the story of a girl who told me trhat her boyfriend at the time had an appearance that she didn't look at all (she usually was into more conventionally attractive guys) and yet she was attracted to him. I guess she would not have chosen him if she could.

There is also a friend who told me that at first, she just wanted sex with the guy but then romantic feelings developped. I am also not sure that she would have chosen it if she could as it was not her initial intent. 

Also, heartbreak would be a lot more easier if people could just chose to not be in love anymore.

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

On 9/9/2023 at 1:44 PM, nonmerci said:

I think the alloro experience is more : chosing if you act on the feelings or not.

Now I don't talk enough about this stuff to know, but I have the story of a girl who told me trhat her boyfriend at the time had an appearance that she didn't look at all (she usually was into more conventionally attractive guys) and yet she was attracted to him. I guess she would not have chosen him if she could.

There is also a friend who told me that at first, she just wanted sex with the guy but then romantic feelings developped. I am also not sure that she would have chosen it if she could as it was not her initial intent. 

Also, heartbreak would be a lot more easier if people could just chose to not be in love anymore.

Thank you for sharing! And, yeah, I guess the alloro experience isn't as cut in dry as I originally thought. I also agree on what you said, where the only choice an alloro person may have is to act on said feelings.

[Holmbo]

Haha sounds like a very aro thing for your mom to say. I'm thinking it's like nomerci says, people choose whether to act on their feelings. I think there also the act of dating and people maybe conflating that with the actual romantic feeling. Because when you date you usually bring in practical aspects to like does this person seem like they would make a good partner. If they do seem to make a good partner that can increase the persons romantic attraction to them too, and make it seem like they choose their attraction to them.

[Neon]

I don't know any alloro people who have ever chosen their crushes. Heck, I've even seen my alloro friends desperately want to date people they otherwise hate. If people could just choose to have/not have a crush on someone, there goes most relationship drama, which clearly is not the case. I'm not sure quite what your mom means, but if I had to guess I would say the same as everyone else here.