deadname VS my name(s) ( A BATTLE SO TO SAY) (slight vent)

[gay vermin boi]

so my friends are usually relatively good at using my name(s) but i have one friend who slips. kind of  alot. and i have a hard time communicating about things that bother me like at all until its kinda too late and i respond in a way that makes the situation harder and i am having a hard time communicating with her that it really really bothers me when she calls me (REDACTED) and uses the wrong pronouns and i dont really know what to do. my friends correct her (and others too) if they use my deadname or incorrect pronouns but she still slips up like a LOT and doesnt try to correct herself half of the time. i dont know how to talk to her about it but its really making me uncomfortable and i dont know how to handle it. for example we were talking about names from different cultures and she was like why are their names so weird and i was like well our names are probably weird to them like imagine being called (i list of a few of my friends names) and she uses my deadname reffereing to me as an example, relatively loudly and i was so angry and uncomfortable but i didnt kno whow to handle it. i always have a very hard time correcting people about it and it brings me such incredible discomfort hearing my deadname and being called the wrong pronouns. it horrible and i just wish i could correct people. even my friend corrected her on it and she didnt like correct herself. i hate it and im still very mad about it. i dont know what to do. does anybody have any ideas on how i can correct people or try to communicate my uncomfortableness?   

 

p.s. sorry for if there are spelling mistakes lol

additional info: shes known me since i was literally born so she is more used to my deadname i guess but she still doesnt try to correct herself a lot of the time if she slips up

Edited May 12, 2023 by gay vermin boi

[HelloThere]

1 hour ago, gay vermin boi said:

so my friends are usually relatively good at using my name(s) but i have one friend who slips. kind of  alot. and i have a hard time communicating about things that bother me like at all until its kinda too late and i respond in a way that makes the situation harder and i am having a hard time communicating with her that it really really bothers me when she calls me (REDACTED) and uses the wrong pronouns and i dont really know what to do. my friends correct her (and others too) if they use my deadname or incorrect pronouns but she still slips up like a LOT and doesnt try to correct herself half of the time. i dont know how to talk to her about it but its really making me uncomfortable and i dont know how to handle it. for example we were talking about names from different cultures and she was like why are their names so weird and i was like well our names are probably weird to them like imagine being called (i list of a few of my friends names) and she uses my deadname reffereing to me as an example, relatively loudly and i was so angry and uncomfortable but i didnt kno whow to handle it. i always have a very hard time correcting people about it and it brings me such incredible discomfort hearing my deadname and being called the wrong pronouns. it horrible and i just wish i could correct people. even my friend corrected her on it and she didnt like correct herself. i hate it and im still very mad about it. i dont know what to do. does anybody have any ideas on how i can correct people or try to communicate my uncomfortableness?   

 

p.s. sorry for if there are spelling mistakes lol

additional info: shes known me since i was literally born so she is more used to my deadname i guess but she still doesnt try to correct herself a lot of the time if she slips up

I think that perhaps you may need to tell her about your issues and just ask for her to take your pronouns and name more seriously? I don’t know I havent got much advice. 😅

[TrueEvergreen]

(Skip to the end if you want just the answer and not a story about my personal experience)

While I don't have experience on the receiving end of this, as i still go by my deadname in person, I have some experience accidentally calling people by their deadname (when I was younger). I was in the same kind of position as the person you are talking about, where I had known the person by their deadname for a while, and this was also  a time where I knew basically nothing about the LGBTQ+ community. I was finding it hard to remember to not call them by their deadname, but when they confronted me directly about it, I started to get better at remembering. 

Basically what I'm saying is you should try talking to them directly, and politely try to get them to understand that this is important to you, and maybe that will help them remember in the future.

[Picklethewickle]

Sometimes people have trouble adjusting their words and behaviour because they are still emotionally invested in who they thought you were and how they interacted with you before your transition or name change.

Maybe you could let you know that while you still value the friendship you two share, you want the continuing friendship to build on who you are now.

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

If you and your friends have corrected her and she still misnames and misgenders you, at that point it's no longer a mistake, but it's intentional. You need to confront her about it and if she doesn't step the fuck up, dump her. I'm serious. Getting someone's name right is the bare minimum respect for another person, and she needs to learn that if she doesn't show other people that respect, she doesn't get to be a part of their life. You are not her doll to name as she sees fit.

[nonmerci]

Maybe ask her why she struggles so much, so you can know if it intentional or not (at some point, when people do that a lot, it could be because they don't respect your identity).

Just the other day I was reading a comic about a non-binary person, and there were a part about correcting people : the author had struggled to correct people ar first cause they don't want to bother them or look like they annoy people for nothing. But then someone point out that it is putting them in a very uncomfortable situation, while correcting people would not make others in a situation as uncomfortable. And when they start to correct people, it goes well.

Qo my advice would be : don't hesitate to correct your friend everytime she uses the wrong name and pronouns.

[The Newest Fabled Creature]

So my preferred name is Memphis, but my immediate family will call me by my birthname (I don't see it as a deadname per se, but hearing it all the time actually physically exhausts me, so I think at some point I should just snap and tell them to stop calling me it), and I wish they could just call me Memphis without it being so one-off and rare, or used as a joke (not a malicious joke, but a joke nonetheless), or would take me seriously when I say that it's completely fine that they'll mess up, but I want you to try, because if you try then it shows that you care. But no, they're afraid of messing up and now I'm kind of getting snappy about it in this comment. Great.

[HelloThere]

57 minutes ago, The Newest Fabled Creature said:

So my preferred name is Memphis, but my immediate family will call me by my birthname (I don't see it as a deadname per se, but hearing it all the time actually physically exhausts me, so I think at some point I should just snap and tell them to stop calling me it), and I wish they could just call me Memphis without it being so one-off and rare, or used as a joke (not a malicious joke, but a joke nonetheless), or would take me seriously when I say that it's completely fine that they'll mess up, but I want you to try, because if you try then it shows that you care. But no, they're afraid of messing up and now I'm kind of getting snappy about it in this comment. Great.

I had no idea your name was Memphis, I’ll try and remember that one.