Juno Posted July 18, 2016 Share Posted July 18, 2016 The other day I met up with a friend. I had offered to drive her home, and while we were walking to my car she pointed out a cafe and said "That's where my partner works." The whole ride home I was wondering if she meant romantic partner. I guessed she was, as if it were a friend she probably would have just called them her friend. When I got home, I looked at Friend's social media accounts to try to figure out if she was dating someone. I felt pretty bad for internet stalking her instead of just talking to her, but I can be really bad a talking to people. Friend's twitter profile picture was of someone I didn't know kissing her on the cheek. After digging further I found that she was in fact dating this person. Friend's Partner is non-binary and uses they/them pronouns, which is why Friend had said "partner" instead of "girlfriend" or "boyfriend". I knew I should feel happy for her. She looked so happy in all of those pictures with her partner. But instead I felt mildly upset. I don't know if it's because I was jealous that Friend's Partner was getting attention from Friend that I was not getting, or if I was mad that she hadn't told me sooner. We don't talk about relationships often. We talk about everything, and keep nothing from each other. Except that I only hear about her relationships in passing, often months after they are over. I was also mad at myself for not feeling happy for Friend. I had this terrible thought that I was probably mad because my philosophy is: "I can't have my friend because I don't want them, and if I can't have them, no one can". I have another close friend who has sex a lot, but rarely finds people she is romantically attracted to, and has never been in a stable romantic relationship. I don't feel jealous that she is having sex (but I'm a little worried for other reasons). I think I worry that if my friends are in romantic relationships, then they will care less about platonic relationships, and i will be pushed to the side. I was super upset when Friend set up a Pinterest wedding board. I started to think about how in the future she may settle down with a partner and she may give me less thought. Then I worried that all of my friends would find partners and I would be all alone. Part of this is probably irrational, but I worry anyway. I also realized in looking at Friend's Partner's twitter account that they have the same name as the person Friend said she took to queer prom when I told her I would be out of town that weekend. While I was out of town I was texting Friend, and she said she was at queer prom. When I got back I asked her about it and she said something along the lines of "It was fun. I went with this person named (Friend's Partner). I didn't know them that well. I met them at a party and was like 'do you want to go to queer prom with me?' , and they were like 'sure'" I was a little jealous that she had gone with someone else, but didn't want my being out of town to impede on her fun, so I was glad that that didn't hold her back from going. Otherwise I thought little of it. Now I know that I could have played this little part in Friend getting together with Friend's Partner. That's another thing that sort of upset me. Sorry for the really long post, but I needed to rant and get all my feelings out. (Rereading my post I realize that I am a very jealous person) Hopefully other aros will understand where I am coming from. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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