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how do i deal with my aphobic parents?


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so i havent come out to my parents yet as aroace, but my sister is asexual and out to my parents.

 

my parents are not accepting of my asexual sister, and they always think she’s trying to be a “snowflake” or coming up with useless terms. they always say some pretty offensive stuff to her about her sexuality. she’s tried so hard to get them to understand, but their skulls are too thick for them to even get it.

 

my parents are also christians, so of course they have a problem with the lgbtq community. the problem is, they act like asexuality is infringing on their religion, which makes zero sense. some religious people could even consider asexuality a blessing. i think they’re mostly upset because since asexuality is part of the “sinful rainbow community”, she automatically assumes it’s a big problem. for instance , my sister has been wearing an ace ring every day for about a year and my mom found out what it meant. now she’s forcefully insisting that she doesn’t wear it anywhere. it just pisses me off so much because i don’t know why someone’s lack of sexual attraction should be offensive to anyone? like, most people (even in the lgbtq community) don’t know what ace rings are, so why should it be a problem? i just don’t know why my parents are so pressed about it. like, since my parents are religious, sex outside of marriage is a big no, so i don’t know why they’re upset ( because it literally means there’s little to no chance of that happening )

 

as i said before, i haven’t come out to my parents yet about being aroace. they know that i used to be bisexual (or so i thought). my mom told me that we’re going to have to have a discussion soon about my “views”. i want to be truthful and let her know that i’m aroace, but she already can’t get asexuality through her thick skull so i doubt she’d understanf aromanticism. she’d also think i’m being a copycat of my sister and that i’m trying to be a special snowflake because i’ve “had crushes before” .

 

i don’t know what to do. me and my sister have tried explaining asexuality to my parents so many times , but they just won’t accept it at all. i’ve even explained that some asexual people don’t even have to associate themselves with lgbtq, but she just won’t have it. i don’t want to lie to her, and she’ll think i’m still bi (and then she tries to pray the gay away), but i also don’t feel like having to explain so so much to her. she’s obviously going to think i’m copying my “delusional “ sister . i understand why religious people would be against homosexual/bi/pan/trans (etc) people, but i have no idea why they have a problem with asexuals and aromantics. there is literally NO reason that their religion would conflict with supporting us. they just get so pissed off and i cant understand why they feel the need to be like this.

 

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In my opinion, it's better to stay in the closet. Coming out in your situation doesn't seem safe to me. Even if your parents would never hurt you, the invalidation combined with whatever else on a potential daily basis would likely do extreme harm to your mental health.

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I don't kbow for your parents, but some religious people cobsider everything that is not heterosexual to be a problem. It can be because then you won't be a "good" spouse in my marriage (by refusing to have sex). It can also be because virginity is valued cause we are resisting something (temptation), but asexuals resist nothing as they don't want sex, and so it "devalues" the meaning of abstinence.

 

Now for your mum, you don't have to come out if you don't feel safe. However you don't seem safe anyway as your parents think you're bi and don't accept it.  I don't know how old you are and your financier situation, but best thing to do would be to go away as soon as possible. As I suppose it is not realistic right now, look at if the LGBT+ community in your area is accepting of ace and aro people, or better, if there is an A-spec community where you live (unlikely but who knows).  Maybe they can provide hello and ressources.

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I'm sorry that you're experiencing this, it's definitely a stressful situation. I second not having to come out. I understand that you'd like to speak your truth, but you're not obligated to come out in the first place and sometimes it's better not to. It depends on how safe you feel and how much energy you're willing to put into this, but you can already see that they're not accepting. If you think it's worth it and it's something you're willing to put effort into, then sure you can come out and try to educate them, but might be best to not have high hopes of them understanding or accepting you. Finding support elsewhere is also a good idea. 

Also, this may not be your intention, but I'd be careful with potentially implying that asexuality and aromanticism are more palatable or acceptable compared to other LGBTQ+ identities and orientations by saying that aphobia doesn't make sense while homo- or trans- or other queerphobia might make sense with their religious views (and this erases the many Christian folks who are LGBTQ+ themselves or supportive of LGBTQ+ folks). Sure, there are some aromantics and asexuals who don't identify as queer or LGBTQ+, but as nonmerci stated, many people consider anything that deviates from normative heterosexuality problematic. Bigotry often doesn't make sense, anyway. 

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It's not a given that christians are against LGBT+. In my country the national church supports it and many of them have pride flag up during the march. Your parents are just bigots and I'm sorry you have to go through that. It's not necessary for you to come out if you feel it would cause conflicts. Ones you're grown up you'll have the rest of your life to live the way you choose to.

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How old are you, and do you still live with parents? I'd probably wait until you move out to come out tbh

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