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Apparently I'm destructive and heartless because I'm aromantic [RANT]


Alexander
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Some girl with whom I only exchanged stares on the corridor just confessed to me that she has a crush on me. I only know her name and what lectures she attended last year (I am in college), we talked only like "hi, how are you?" and that's all. When I gently told her that unfortunately I can't reciprocate her romantic feelings and apologized to her, she started crying and spitting out things like "why? are you gay?", "am I ugly?", "you don't like me? but you were so nice to me!", "can't you just give me a chance? please, I'll do everything" etc. So I held her hands and I told her "I'm afraid it's literally impossible, I'm really, really sorry". I started to search for tissues in my bag and I wanted to give them to her so she could wipe her tears. She took them but just clenched them in hands instead of using them. She looked really sad so I touched her shoulder and apologized again, then I wanted to go home but she told me to stop and tell her why is it impossible for me to even try dating her, then she will leave and never talk to me again. I was tired so I said "I'm aromantic". She asked me what is that so I explained "I can't fall in love with anyone because I'm not romantically attracted to any gender, but I don't want you to feel sad and disappointed... So I guess we could become friends instead?". She got angry all of sudden and screamed at me "I don't want to be your friend! I wanted a boyfriend, not a friend! You aromantic people are so selfish, destructive and heartless, especially guys, like you! People want their love to be reciprocated, damn it!". Then she threw at me the pack of tissues I gave her before and ran away.

I understand that for alloromantic people it's probably hard to get rejected from their crush, but still... What she said was just mean and not true at all. I literally tried to calm her down and explain everything as good as I could, I apologized a few times but it still wasn't enough. Why couldn't she just understand that I'm not attracted to her and I will never be? This situation really screwed up my frame of mind in general.

So can some of you try to comfort me? Or at least explain why was she so harsh on me? I want to understand what I did wrong... Who made a mistake? Me, her, neither or both of us? I'm really, really confused.

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I love how she had no idea what aromanticism was and then immediately went and complained about aros like she's met a ton of them lmao... ok

Sounds like she needs to get it together, cause if her emotional state is that dependent on someone she's barely talked to dating her or not... That's not healthy. And either way it sure the fuck ain't your problem. To her I say, get well soon asshole ?

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You did nothing wrong. In fact you were really calmand nice in my opinion. You even give her an explanation when you didn't have to.

I don't know her but from what you say it seems she has some issue. I don't think it is a normal way to react even for an alloromantic. It was very excessive. Really I think it came from her, not from you.

 

And as @Jot-Aro Kujosaid it is ironic that she didn't know what aro meant but then talked as if she met so much aros that she can tell you that guys are the worst. She clearly didn't know what she is talking about and was just mean. I know it is an easy thing to say but you shouldn't bother about someone who were so unfair to you.

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To me, it sounds like this person has some sort of internalized trauma that they need to heal. Perhaps they have self-worth issues. Regardless, this issue is theirs, not yours. I wouldn't associate with this person anymore. I'd send them forgiveness from afar. Stay strong, my friend!

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I'm sorry you experienced this, not a nice situation. Like the others, I agree that you didn't do anything wrong. It seems like you handled the situation decently. Her reaction is a reflection of her own issues rather than of you. It's just this unfortunate idea that people who don't reciprocate feelings are "heartless" or "being a jerk" or whatnot; the amatonormativity that makes people feel entitled to their romantic feelings for others. Sending you warm vibes, I hope you feel a bit better! 

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13 hours ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

I love how she had no idea what aromanticism was and then immediately went and complained about aros like she's met a ton of them lmao... ok

Sounds like she needs to get it together, cause if her emotional state is that dependent on someone she's barely talked to dating her or not... That's not healthy. And either way it sure the fuck ain't your problem. To her I say, get well soon asshole ?

uhm, maybe you're right. I just couldn't help but to feel guilty. I mean, someone cried because of me. but she probably could handle it a little bit better and be less rude...

1 hour ago, Erederyn said:

I'm sorry you experienced this, not a nice situation. Like the others, I agree that you didn't do anything wrong. It seems like you handled the situation decently. Her reaction is a reflection of her own issues rather than of you. It's just this unfortunate idea that people who don't reciprocate feelings are "heartless" or "being a jerk" or whatnot; the amatonormativity that makes people feel entitled to their romantic feelings for others. Sending you warm vibes, I hope you feel a bit better! 

oh... that's kinda sad. that's why I hate amatonormativity. and thank you. I was just confused and felt kind of down because of this little incident. thanks for kind words (:

4 hours ago, RepublicServicesVolunteer said:

To me, it sounds like this person has some sort of internalized trauma that they need to heal. Perhaps they have self-worth issues. Regardless, this issue is theirs, not yours. I wouldn't associate with this person anymore. I'd send them forgiveness from afar. Stay strong, my friend!

thank you. I'm really sorry if me not reciprocating her feelings somehow reminded her of past trauma or something... but there was no possible way I knew about it. I hope she will forget about it soon and find someone better who can love her back so she could be happy. but I don't think I even want to try and talk to her again after this happened so I guess you're right. I was never mad at her, I just couldn't understand her reaction.

5 hours ago, nonmerci said:

You did nothing wrong. In fact you were really calmand nice in my opinion. You even give her an explanation when you didn't have to.

I don't know her but from what you say it seems she has some issue. I don't think it is a normal way to react even for an alloromantic. It was very excessive. Really I think it came from her, not from you.

 

And as @Jot-Aro Kujosaid it is ironic that she didn't know what aro meant but then talked as if she met so much aros that she can tell you that guys are the worst. She clearly didn't know what she is talking about and was just mean. I know it is an easy thing to say but you shouldn't bother about someone who were so unfair to you.

well, yeah... I'm not happy about her blaming aromantic people just because I couldn't love her back. that was just mean. I really tried to handle it as best as I could, so thank you for noticing it.

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