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I want a crush because it looks right

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I'm scrolling through tumblr and I see a post that says "If this gets x notes I'll tell my crush I like them" I smile and absentmindedly like it, I think 'I should do that!' then I remember- I don't have a crush. I'm reminded of the time I dated someone because everyone told me I should want to date someone- and I did- dating someone sounded great, all I'd heard was happiness and getting presents and so one. The I realized how miserable being in a relationship was making me. It's hard because I wish I had a crush because it's always described as the best thing ever- everyone wants to meet their prince charming, their cinderella. It's hard because I don't want a crush- the very idea is unpleasant to me.

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On 5/30/2020 at 11:18 AM, Kate Bishop best arrowace said:

everyone wants to meet their prince charming, their cinderella.

That is why I tend to watch things with obvious or overt fantasy themes. I just accept the love story as part of the fantasy world full of witches/vampires/werewolves/holographic AI robots. The happy and wholesome relationship with The OneTM is as much a construct as ghosts coming back from the dead. If you have romance repulsions the reality of a relationship can be scarier than the worst horror movie. 

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On 5/29/2020 at 9:48 PM, Kate Bishop best arrowace said:

I realized how miserable being in a relationship was making me.


2 hours ago, Apathetic Echidna said:

If you have romance repulsions the reality of a relationship can be scarier than the worst horror movie. 


just try to remember crushes and romantic relationships aren't the only fun/happy experience, or even the only sort you can have with another person.  idk whether you have or want squishes/qprs or sexual partners, but friends, surely.  pretty much anything you wish you could do with a romantic partner, you could do with a friend or qpp, and lots you can do alone.  and even if i try to imagine being allo (which, to be fair, i can't), i really can't imagine loving anyone more than my best friend--it's just the best love i could hope for.

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Sometimes I would try to convince myself that I have a crush on someone because it was “right”... but it never worked out. I know how miserable you may feel when everyone around you is talking about having crushes and dating, and I really liked Echidna’s comment about the fantasy genre! I know media is a small part of our lives, but using it as a way to forget about romance for at least *some* time may be a good idea :D

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I feel the same way. I love fiction about crushes (slightly embarrassed to admit that my fave fanfic genre by far is mutual pining) but the few romantic relationships I tried in real life made me stressed and anxious and miserable.

Maybe we just need more aro friends.

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  • 1 month later...

And this is why we need aro (and ace) support groups at the local LGBT+ centre!

I'm new to my identity, but not my feelings. 

Think about it this way.

I have the bitter cilantro gene. (It's not like soap, just bitter. And soap is bitter. But so's bitter melon) 

People from Mexico, Vietnam, traditionally put it in a fair number of dishes, and more recently, suddenly white people have learnt about it, and white people especially get all "this is delicious!! Let's put it in everything!! Let's shove it up our noses!! It tastes so good--  How can you not like it!? How can someone not like exactly what I do/not be a clone of me!?" (And that's amatonormativity in this metaphor) 

But when I put cilantro in my mouth, all I feel is "blegh!" 

Maybe they enjoy it. Maybe the experience of cilantro is good to them. Maybe it's their favourite herb ever and they even put it on ice cream! 

But it doesn't taste good to me. 

I taste and like plenty of other things. I still love steak and tripe pho, just without cilantro. It's no less pho if I order/make it without cilantro. It's not "lacking," and actually makes me much happier without cilantro.

And I pass on eating at yuppie fave Chipotle 100% because they would put it in their *soda* if they could. 

And my taste in food is no less worthy or sophisticated because all the gourmet people suddenly decided cilantro exists and is the best thing ever.  

Does everyone see what I mean? (hugs) 

I'm new to realising I'm aro/aro is a thing you can be specifically, but I've been identifying as something beyond cishet for over 20 years. I've come out of as many closets as there are in a standard McMansion, and compile that with being an immigrant to the US, and even in Japan as a kid, I was mixed-race and motherless. I've never been the norm in my life. 

It's OK to exist outside the norms. The problem is normalisation. You're not "broken" or "lacking" or any of that. What's there to "miss out on" if you don't enjoy the thing in question? 

Edited by chairdesklamp
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