aro_elise Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 This has been on my mind lately. Settle in. So basically, I'm very self-centred and very confident, and I love myself deeply. I'd like to distinguish myself from people with narcissistic personality disorder or tendencies, who actually rely heavily on other people to "prove" their "superiority"; they tend to be quite manipulative, sometimes abusive (though of course anyone can be). I know I'm great and I don't care what others think, just as I would hope they wouldn't need my opinion in order to feel good about themselves. Also, I don't think I'm better than everyone else, though I certainly continually strive to be a better version of myself. I'm simply focused on myself. Now let me distinguish this from selfishness and unkindness. I actually consider myself to be empathetic, compassionate, and generous (some of my many good qualities ?) and I think that makes sense--I want everyone to have and do what's right for them and their happiness, as long as it's not hurting anyone. Surely I'll focus more on my own choices because, well, they're mine, and again, I would hope everyone would do the same. Now I'd like to talk about how others react to this. I can't think of a time when I didn't love myself; I've had few insecurities and those I had were due not to my own innate feelings but to other people projecting them onto me. For example, my mom used to pick on me for basically every quality I had which she didn't. My introversion, my disorganization, certain values, what have you. I was young and she convinced me I was wrong, that I needed to change or hide these things. It's clear that she's afraid of judgment, unpopularity, and nonconformity. I'm in fashion design and she asks me whether I like certain of her clothes, and I say "Not really (I very rarely admire anyone's outfit), but so what? I'm not wearing them. Most people probably don't like my style, but they're not wearing it, so do I care?" An ex-friend in high school said behind my back (as reported by another friend) that she thought I had "no fashion sense" and I was like "Ok? Right back at her, like, what's her point?" But while that didn't bother me, another reported comment did: that I "think I'm the shit". When I heard that--I hadn't realized I'd given that impression--my first instinct was to object, to find examples of things I disliked about myself to prove her wrong. Why? It's like, we're told to love ourselves, right, but, oh, not too much! Like when we actually do, we're shamed, criticized, labelled 'arrogant'. I now see that people like her are just insecure and jealous of others' self-confidence and so they try to bring them down , even if not directly--she was even too timid to say it to my face. Now, to the claim that I think I'm the shit, I would say "I sure do!" It's interesting, though, like when people put down their own appearance, one is expected to join in, but I won't, because I know I'm beautiful. Being unapologetic is revolutionary. We talked about this in my Philosophy of Beauty class today, how we're expected to be insecure, especially if we don't resemble beauty ideals. A fat woman can post a photo showing her body and people will applaud her "bravery," implying they wouldn't expect her to be comfortable doing that and she must be doing it to make some statement. Like nah, she's just having a good time at the beach, she knows she looks good, get over it. I actually contributed to the discussion, saying "I consider myself very confident, I think I'm very pretty, I've been called arrogant, I'm just calling it like I see it,"--one of the girls presenting said "I think you are too", but I kind of felt the energy in the room, which I interpreted as surprise that I would freely admit that, despite that we'd just seen two presentations touching on the rejection of aspiration to conformity to beauty standards ("we should accept our own beauty and individuality!") This is what I mean. It's one thing to love yourself; it's another to embrace your love for yourself. I've been in both positions and I can tell you this one is so much better. Now, you know I have to tie it in--I don't think this is because I'm aro but I do think it's relevant. I mean, I'm sure we've all had a moment (early on, I hope) when we worried about not loving someone, and I'm sure even and perhaps especially allos worry about others not loving them (romantically). We can include difficulty making friends in this list of concerns. And it occurred to me that this must lead many people to the conclusion that there will be no love in their life. And I thought, I'm so glad I know even if I have no one but myself, I'll always be giving and receiving love. And I also think (and I've said this on here) that the more you love yourself, the easier it is to share love. You can't pour from an empty cup, and if you have self-esteem issues you need a therapist, not a partner. I wondered what you guys have to say on this topic. Do you love yourself and embrace that love? Has your aromanticism influenced or been influenced by this? Other thoughts? 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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