Do you think you are born aromantic, or that you became aromantic?

[InvertedRainbow]

Hmmm, this is fairly complicated (and that's ok, because life is complicated by nature). We were definitely aromantic growing up. We felt very different from our peers. We were very unaware of it at the time, though, so it went completely over our head. (Our plurality complicates matters even further). We're neurodivergent (plurality is a form of neurodivergence), so we randomly felt hyperromantic when we turned 21 (it was out of the blue, so we believe it was due to our being neurodivergent that led to it).

 

We definitely think it was mostly in out head, though. We were in love with the concept of love (we're pretty sure anyway). Our "crushes" weren't actual crushes. We believe we could sense someone else's energy and latch on to it. It wasn't sexual/romantic. We'd like to think it was something like that, though. Back then we had no idea that there could be so many different kinds of attraction. We just felt different and that was that. Yeah we had hormones, but that was about it. We were happily aromantic. We admittedly thought we had to want a boyfriend. Looking back they were probably squishes (or something like that anyway). When we turned 21 we were romantically into women. Whether we attached that so called attraction to actual people is beyond us. As we said it was mostly in our head. It was't until years later that we were romantically into guys and other people who are nonbinary/genderqueer. It was only until very recently that we questioned whether these so called romantic feelings were authentic. The aromantic label gnawed at us for some time... something felt off. 

 

When we were about 20, we had a boyfriend. We loved hime in a way that was not romantic at all. We felt a lot of affection towards him. Yeah we remember a day when we felt loved, but it still wasn't anything beyond that. It just was. After some time (we forgot how long it took), we felt very trapped. We wanted out asap. It was just way too suffocating. We tried to break up repeatedly (much to his chagrin). He tried to convince us otherwise. It was not fun to way the least. Yeah we felt some level of emotional connection to him (maybe? Our feelings were hard to decipher at that time. Even now it confuses us a bit.). We still wanted freedom. Fortunately we got what we wanted and we broke up.

So to get back to the topic, we think it's highly individual and can vary widely bases on the given person. We don't like to make absolute statements. We just wanted to share our story to reflect on that. Some people are fluid, while some may not be. Doesn't matter we're all valid no matter what.

[doodle_hoodie]

Just from personal experience it feels born to me, like I have aro moments I can remember from kindergarten. I didn't get the fake married stuff or why people wanted "partners", I never got a crush, and in pretend games I would never have a romantic partner or anything like that. In all honestly I don't even think I thought of having a partner until it was socially conditioned more and before I new aro was a thing and even then like 5th grade or so (I just never thought about it).

Edited February 18, 2021 by doodle_hoodie

[Magni]

I think there is an extent to which it can be impossible to separate out what is "innate" vs what is influenced by our experiences and other aspects of ourselves.  Therefore, I conclude that the distinction doesn't or should not matter, people are what they are and what "caused" it isn't a distinction worth worrying about.

[Guest Metaridley]

On 9/12/2018 at 11:10 AM, nonmerci said:

Hey everyone!

Question in the title. Maybe you think it's weird, but I recently read a bisexual who says that people are not born with their sexual orientation (which of course meant "romantic and sexual orientation"), but that they became bi/gay/straight etc. The person says that it's like liing chocolate : we like it because we are born in a society that likes it, but if we were born in a country who doesn't know it, we would think it is as disgusting as insects. Now, I always disagreed with this. I mean, I thought about it, but I saw nothing that would have made me "became" asexual or aromantic, I think I am born this way. (Also, the theory of that person doesn't explain why some people don't like chocolate ^^ ).

Now, I don't open this thread to debate on it (though if you want to, we can), but because I feel that bisexual are more likely to think that we are not born with our orientation, that education/society gave it to us. Because it must be logical for them that people should love someone, not a genre, and that society inhibited the love for one genre for most of people. Or something like that.

On the other hand, I think that aro are more likely to think that we are born this way, because we have to deal with people who ask us what happened to us to be that way. And that it's important for us to explain that we are traumatized people or whatever.

 

But I can only speak for myself. I could be mistaken. So, what do you think about it? Born aro or not?

I was definately shaped this way by what i saw day to day with my own parents

[Angrboda]

I tend to think that lack of romantic attraction is something to do with the arrangement of the brain. I really don't think it relates to your upbringing or experiences at all, at least it doesn't in my own case. I could understand the argument when it comes to sexual attraction or lack there of, though I think that that too would usually relate more to a person's natural tendencies.

[Apex]

I don't think there's one right answer. Orientation (and identity overall) can depend on a lot of factors, and can be incredibly complicated. People's orientations can be fluid throughout their lives, or completely static, or static until a sudden change, static with a handful of exceptions, etc. And we don't really know why- you can't forcefully change your or someone else's orientation, but orientation can change. It might be a mix of nature and nurture, where the "nature" of our genes, brain chemistry, etc. gives us a few optional paths and our "nurture" throughout our lives guides us down one of them (or, for some, starts on one path and then shifts course when some sort of latent attraction is awoken.)

Personally I think I was born aromantic, or at least became aro at a very young age. I remember noticing my lack of attraction in elementary school; around 7-9 years old probably, before I hit puberty. So I think it is possible to be born aro. But I also think it's possible to become aromantic. Just because I have a particular experience doesn't mean it applies to everyone.

Edited February 17, 2022 by Apex

[Nagito]

It makes no sense to me if perioriented heteros 'were born' and others are seen as 'they became'. I even remember being repulsed by romance and things connected to it when I was very young, then not being able to say if I was attracted romantically or platonically to someone, so there's no way of me 'becoming' aromantic. I was born aro.

[Nessa]

Well I am pretty sure that I was born aro as I have never been interested in having a relationship and never been able to picture myself with someone for as long as I remember. I never understood why people wanted to be in relationship. I've never been attracted to anyone in that way, I do have sometimes aethetic attraction though. 

I have never had any trauma relating to relationship as I never had one, my parents didn't love each other but I had other examples of people who really did, I am not neurodivergent or whatever so it doesn't come from that either. I grew up with TV shows that make love life a priority, the thing that make people happy and whatever and when I think about it now I don't really understand why it didn't make me want that to  but well I guess that this  is just who I am and nothing more. 

Maybe some people become aro because of events, traumas they went through while growing up this is possible too and there is nothing wrong with that either but maybe it was already a bit inside of them and those events made them realise it I don't know and don't pretend to know more than anyone else. I am just giving hypothesis, ideas, thoughts however you want to call it. 

I am actually not sure that people are not confusing aesthetic attraction and romantic attraction sometimes and for some people they might be in a relationship because they are scared of being alone (I actually met a few in this case) or they just have to because the society wants us to be in a relationship.

I am absolutely sure to be aroace in my case, thought of being greysexual maybe, I am still questioning about that but I am sure to be in that spectrum and as @nonmerci said that's why it is great to see aromanticism and asexuality as a spectrum because we are all different and may not be absolutely sure of our orientation and realise later that we are more htis than that at some point in our life and this is fine. 

And about the chocolate argument well then I would like this person to explain to me why I don't like coffee (and don't even like the smell which makes me sick) living in a country (France) where people drink coffee all the time. I can't even eat dessert with coffee like Tiramisu but everybody loves it  ... I just think that we are all different and that's all. So I disagree with this argument too!