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feeling kinda straight


aro_elise
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ok so most of the time i find my aromanticism a more prominent part of my orientation than my heterosexuality and i'm perfectly happy being single and all that.  but sometimes guys are so hot and i want some sort of relationship--non-romantic, of course--and...idk, just sharing my split attraction problems.  do you guys have any?

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43 minutes ago, aro_elise said:

ok so most of the time i find my aromanticism a more prominent part of my orientation than my heterosexuality and i'm perfectly happy being single and all that.  but sometimes guys are so hot and i want some sort of relationship--non-romantic, of course--and...idk, just sharing my split attraction problems.  do you guys have any?

That's perfectly normal, Elise.

 

As you've found out that you're Aromantic but you're for all intents and purpose hetero allosexual (normal bias / hetero-sexual, in other words). There are many orientations that define a person but there are three main ones; romantic, sexual and aesthetic.

 

You know about the first two but probably not the third one. Aesthetic orientation and the associated attraction is the physical appearance of a said individual you're looking at currently. It's entirely possible to be turned on by someone but not have sexual nor romantic feelings for said person, as that does happen.

 

The fact you call this person, "hot" is an indication that your aesthetic attraction is cued up and going forward. Now, you can have sex without a relationship. The word, "relationship" to a romantic partner has heavily emotional loading which means one thing only, romance, without romance there is no relationship. It's either they're a friend or a cringe worthy, "friends with benefits".

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be with that person in a physical sense and if you want to have sex but notify that person of your intention if you two should get together, say that it's not a romantic relationship. That way you're in the clear if said person catches the feels for you, as you did all you could do, just short of not having sex with that person.

 

We aromantics define relationships much differently than demiromantics or alloromantic people do. Even if we try to explain it, they'll never understand it, because they're not thinking with logic but emotion. What it sounds like you want is to be physically and sexually exclusive with said partner, as there's nothing wrong with that either.

 

It's a possibility that you aren't allosexual at all, you might be some type of greysexual or demisexual. I went through this phase myself, I figured out that while I find many women hot, it doesn't necessarily mean I want to have a "mutually exclusive relationship" with them, in regards to having sex. However, there are some but I don't discuss it because every time I do, that friendship goes south really fast. I'm more interested in keeping friends rather than just having sex with a couple of them. I'm what is known as a hetero-demisexual. Meaning, I'm straight but there are conditions that must be met before the ability for me to experience sexual attraction to women can occur. Although, it's not always going to happen but it's like the door is unlocked and opened so that it "could" occur.

 

The more screwy thing that's occurred to me is I've tried the hook up sites where you start as friends and almost instantly those women try to smother & cage me into a (romantic) relationship, which is just the opposite of what those web sites were designed for. So, I have given up, I'm not meant to have a partner, because that partner is interested in romance only and not real love (which isn't judgemental).

 

Elise, I wish you the best and hopefully you don't run into the same prejudices that I've come across.

Besides, being straight is just your sexual orientation, which has nothing to do with your romantic and aesthetic orientations.

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@Lex Barringer thanks for your response but i think you misunderstand.  it seems kind of like you think i don't know how i feel.  i'm aromantic, heterosexual (not demi or anything), and polyamourous.  and i am familiar with aesthetic attraction.  while it's a common connotation, i definitely disagree that the only denotation of a relationship is romantic.  forgetting about the kind i'm talking about for a second, what about purely platonic or familial relationships?  anyway, i've had a romantic relationship and i can agree with you on that point: disastrous, and if any opportunity to become involved with a guy were to present itself, i'd be quite wary about that aspect.  i'm sorry it's caused problems for you, too; unfortunately, that kind of thing seems to be a pretty common side effect of split attraction--predictably, i guess.  basically i'm just thinking aloud about how it'll affect my future interactions; it's all hypothetical now.  and while i'm at it, most of the guys i find attractive are band members and stuff, though that doesn't make me feel any better that the closest i'll get to most of them is the audience.  (i have met my favourite: pierce the veil.  that was awesome.)

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No, actually, I don't think that. Although, I've encountered other aromantics on here that weren't aware of the aesthetic / physical attraction aspect. It's quite common for those of us who have strong over-driving aesthetic attraction to go for what we can't (supposedly) have; a celebrity for example. We have a drive for what we believe is perfection, however, when we actually get to know these people that attraction many times dies down or disappears. I've been involved with some celebrity women but I won't say who, it's not my bag to be name dropping.

 

I'm glad you're well articulated in this area, I wasn't sure if you were polyamorous or not, thanks for putting that out there.

 

I do agree with you on that there are more than one kind of relationship but when I speak to allos (so-called normal woman) they only see the "relationship" as romantic, even though as you said, platonic, familial, etc. When I refer to the ladies I encounter they're so dead set about getting into that fairy tale relationship of romance, that can't see the truth of the matter. It's unfortunate.

 

I've never heard of that band, I'll go find them on YouTube, if they can be found there.

 

A note about celebrities; some are really cool; cooky / wacky and others appear to be really cool but wind up being creeps or worse. They're just people, really, just like you, me and the rest of the people on here. Perhaps, some of them may be aromantics like us as well.

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“feeling kinda lithro” would work. But then I just have to read again what romantic attraction is supposed to feel like… and nope, aro it is. I wouldn't crush on Pandora, who got unparalleled beauty from Aphrodite and intelligence by Hermes. xD

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On 03/11/2017 at 1:51 PM, aro_elise said:

i'm perfectly happy being single and all that.  but sometimes guys are so hot and i want some sort of relationship--non-romantic, of course--and...idk, just sharing my split attraction problems.  do you guys have any?

Just to throw this out there to get it off my chest while also hoping that this comment disappears into the mists of time. So about 3 weeks ago I was exposed to an image and my aesthetic/sensual attraction sort of went into overdrive with 'OMG pretty! I want to touch' but contrary to your title of "feeling kinda straight" this made me feel kinda......depraved. The image was not meant to be appealing, it was meant to be foreboding or something. Basically I ended up terrified my attraction might turn sexual (yeah, pretty sure I am an apressexual). At least it was fictional media so there is 0% of ever seeing them in real life, and the attraction was only really for one image composition. So basically I am scared of this becoming a full blown split attraction situation where I might pounce on a half decent cosplay. No Romo of course. 

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On 03/11/2017 at 4:04 AM, Lex Barringer said:

It's a possibility that you aren't allosexual at all, you might be some type of greysexual or demisexual. I went through this phase myself, I figured out that while I find many women hot, it doesn't necessarily mean I want to have a "mutually exclusive relationship" with them, in regards to having sex.

I don't think that sexual monogamy has much to do with if someone is allosexual, greysexual or demisexual. Though it would seem to be something which could easily appear far more to alloromantics (possibly demiromantics and greyromantics) than aromantics. Personally I've always found it just as repulsive as romance.


 

On 03/11/2017 at 4:04 AM, Lex Barringer said:

However, there are some but I don't discuss it because every time I do, that friendship goes south really fast.

That looks to be a good example of alloromantics and aromantics using differing relationship definitions. Including for friendship.
 

On 03/11/2017 at 4:04 AM, Lex Barringer said:

The more screwy thing that's occurred to me is I've tried the hook up sites where you start as friends and almost instantly those women try to smother & cage me into a (romantic) relationship, which is just the opposite of what those web sites were designed for. So, I have given up, I'm not meant to have a partner, because that partner is interested in romance only and not real love (which isn't judgemental).

It is indeed odd how common it is for people using such sites to state "looking for a (real) relationship" or "no hookups".
The alloromantic definition of "friends first" is purely platonic moving (rapidly) towards romance (with the associated relationship and touch escalator memes). Which is probably not what an aromantic would want, even if they don't want something purely platonic.

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On 11/6/2017 at 4:46 AM, Apathetic Echidna said:

my aesthetic/sensual attraction sort of went into overdrive with 'OMG pretty! I want to touch' but contrary to your title of "feeling kinda straight" this made me feel kinda......depraved. The image was not meant to be appealing, it was meant to be foreboding or something.

Damn, now you made me curious. xD

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On 03/11/2017 at 3:21 AM, aro_elise said:

ok so most of the time i find my aromanticism a more prominent part of my orientation than my heterosexuality and i'm perfectly happy being single and all that.  but sometimes guys are so hot and i want some sort of relationship--non-romantic, of course--and...idk, just sharing my split attraction problems.  do you guys have any?

SO MUCH YES. I struggle with majorly wanting to both snuggle and have sex with people (mostly male people) but not wanting them to get the wrong idea or want to date.. it's pretty hard to explain to non aro people :'(

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