Jot-Aro Kujo

Oh big yikes, that’s messed up!! I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I hope you can find a new partner who’s not a jackass.

I agree, it definitely sounds like the majority of this is a you issue, not a her issue. Of course, if you are someone who needs romantic affection specifically, and she isn't able to meet your needs on that, it might be fair to just break up with her (provided you're not, like, a dick about it ofc) and date someone who's more compatible with you. But honestly? In any kind of relationship, if you're upset that your partner values their friends just as much as you- not even more than you, just equally- Yeah, uh, there's definitely something going on there that you need to work through. And I really think you should try to do that. Even if you break up with your girlfriend and start dating someone else, if you go through life always needing to be the sole #1 priority in your partner's life, that's likely going to lead to a lot of unhealthy relationships.

Start working on addressing what it is that's making you feel jealous of her friends, and then you can decide where to go from there. Good luck!

No, this is Patrick.

Question: What would you say that means for aros who are still interested in pursuing romantic relationships?

It sounds like even you don’t think it could really be a crush. I don’t see why it would be. I think your other friend needs to learn to mind her own business and not try to dictate other people’s feelings for them. 

I’m always emotionally vulnerable babeyyy!!!! I have ADHD and everything hurts ✌️ Yeet

@eatingcroutons is right to some degree, I will admit I made too many assumptions about the relationship, and in that regard I was at least a bit too harsh. I definitely don't agree with everything you've said, Crou (which I won't go into detail on because it's not relevant, god knows this forum has enough of an issue of people going off on nitpicky tangents already, we don't have to agree on everything and that's fine), but I will admit that I should have been more... Thoughtful. Oof. Sorry!

That being said, I'm glad I was able to provide some useful perspective... I think? Good luck.

"Oh, asexual? So you're asexual? You mean asexual? You're aroace? Hey, Alex, you're asexual, right? So you're not interested in sex? You're asexual? Hey has anyone ever told you you have really pretty eyes you look lovely today are you doing anything this Saturday-"

Nah, but for real though... My best friend is pretty chill with it. My family initially reacted horribly (calling me a robot who uses people for sex, etc.), but now they're... I mean they make hurtful jokes sometimes, but at least they don't try to talk me out of it or anything? But yeah, most people I encounter can't seem to understand that aromantic and asexual mean different things, if they can even somewhat grasp the concept at all instead of thinking I'm just saying "I haven't had a boyfriend yet" or "I'm not an overly affectionate person" or flat out just tuning out what I said entirely.

Welcome! Always nice to hear from other bi aros.

19 minutes ago, NullVector said:

No, sorry. But I wanted to pick up on this:

 

Why? If you've realised that your partner experiences their emotions based around attraction somewhat differently to you and recently encountered a label that captures some aspects of that difference, then why should that discovery be "devastating"? I don't know the details of your relationship, but I presume that it's functional on some level if you've remained partners for 13 years and raised 3 kids together? If people with quite different inner worlds are able to do that kind of interpersonal bridging then personally I think it's neat. Why should finding a word that captures some aspects of how his inner world differs from yours now challenge or threaten what you've built together? Him being aromantic (if he is) IMO certainly shouldn't be taken by you to mean that the relationship "never meant anything" to him. It might be that his experience of its meaning would be different to yours. But I would expect that to be true of any relationship and more a cause for celebration (that we can relate to each other despite our differences) than concern.

I agree. To act as if the relationship means nothing is to dismiss 13 years of him including you in his life. I understand it may be disappointing to learn that he doesn't experience the same type of attraction towards you as you do to him, but why should that make it less important? Do you seriously believe someone would stay married and put in the time, energy, money, and effort to raise three kids with someone they only care about exclusively for sex? Get real.

You know your relationship. If there wasn't a huge problem with your marriage before, why would there be now? To act as if your partner never "really" loved you just because he's aromantic is extremely disrespectful to him, it's disrespectful to you as the person he clearly cares about, it's disrespectful to your children who grew into the people they are as a product of the love between you two, and it's disrespectful to all aromantics.

Now, are you going to let a long-standing partnership fall apart because you're too narrow-minded to see anything in your partner beyond harmful stereotypes regarding his orientation, or are you going to demonstrate to him that you love and support him in his self-discovery?

Oh, and frankly, I'd be pretty devastated if I found out that my partner of 13 years thinks I don't care about them based on what label I choose to put on the relationship rather than my actual actions, so you better hope he doesn't read this forum, or you better be prepared to offer him a hell of an apology.

4 hours ago, TripleA said:

ever heard of free speech? 

7 hours ago, ruth said:

I'm not trying to disrespecting anybody. I'm only confused as to what makes an attraction romantic from an objective standpoint

 

 

Simple. It's romantic if they feel like it is. At the end of the day, no matter what activities someone decides to take part in in relation to their attractions, or what it looks like to outsiders, it's about what they feel, not what they do. Romantic attraction isn't some combination of other feelings, it's a feeling in itself. Everyone says it is, and I see no reason why we should assume that they're lying, or too stupid to understand their own feelings.

If I say I'm friends with someone, would it make any sense to question whether friendship is even something that exists or if it's just a misinterpretation of other feelings? No. If I say I'm friends with someone, then I'm friends with someone. So why do that to romance? If someone says they feel romantic attraction, then they feel romantic attraction. The end.

Now, what makes certain acts romantically coded is a fine question for sociologists and anthropologists, but I don't think it's at all right to make assumptions about other people's feelings. And, again, I really don't like the implication that my attractions could be in any way considered romance, and I really, really think assuming romance has to do with sex is extremely unfair and disrespectful to asexual people.

I'm sorry, but this is... Not right at all.

First of all, asexuals exist. To say that romance is merely a combination of sexual attraction and friendship is extremely acephobic. Plenty of people experience romantic attraction without sexual attraction, and you need to respect that.

Secondly, as someone who is the opposite- I experience sexual attraction, but not romantic attraction- I am VERY offended by the implication that if I were to enter a sexual relationship with one of my friends, that would qualify as "romantic". None of my attractions are romantic, no matter how they may or may not overlap.

I understand that romance can seem almost fake at times from an aro perspective, and I don't think it's wrong to try to think philosophically about the nuances of different types of attractions people feel (or don't feel), but please, please try to be careful with the conclusions you come to. Try to think about things from different perspectives, and be very careful what labels you try to put on others for them. It's really not fair to try to assume other people's feelings; No matter how it may sound to us, deciding that alloros are just making it up and don't "really" feel romance is just as horrible and disrespectful as it is for them to assume that we're making things up and not "really" aromantic. Please have respect for other people's feelings, and let them label them for themselves.

I'm not a PoC, but I am hispanic and tired of having to explain to stupid exclusionshit fuckheads why deeming asexuality a "white people thing" is, in fact, extremely racist, because hey! I don't like being subjected to the spicy latina lover stereotype! ?

That would require them actually existing, so no.

I... Don't know? Do you have evidence to support this claim? What men are you even talking about? Bruh you know what website you're on? Why are you asking us. Are you ok. Are you dating a man whose wife died

Yeah, that's pretty much how it's used.

Not me, but try joining some aro Discord servers. There's lots of folks with alters hanging around there.

8 hours ago, Star Lion said:

So you’re trying to say that mental disabilities are a social construct

In fact, in many ways they are! Do a little research into the subject yourself. I say this as someone with at least two mental illnesses, both of which have changed classification several times over the course of my lifetime.

11 minutes ago, Star Lion said:

I’m not trying to make anyone feel unwelcomed, I’m just saying that you can’t have a grey area of a non-existent attraction. The grey area would be of romanticism

How can you claim you're not trying to make people feel unwelcome, while simultaneously saying their identities don't exist?

8 minutes ago, Star Lion said:

I’m giving a perspective in response to what they described. Please hop off my case

I'll get off your case when you stop trying to define how "allo" or "aro" people are without having been invited to. No one can define their orientations but themselves, and I know that a lot of arospecs actually do not feel welcome in the aro community because of people like you- People who tell them "Oh, actually you're just allo" or "Oh, you're aro now/you've always been aro and just had internalized arophobia". It is our job to make these people feel welcome and to feel accepted for who they are, and make them feel like they can define their own lives, without trying to police their identities and categorize people for them. Knock. It. Off.

1 hour ago, Star Lion said:

My belief is that this makes you more aro than greyro. Greyromantics experience romantic attraction and you don’t. You’ve experienced it before but you don’t anymore which would make you aromantic which would also be more a lot more practical of an experience. I’m speaking from personal experience

"I'm speaking from personal experience," you say, as you try to armchair label someone else's personal experience,

Hey, stop calling arospecs alloromantic. That's pretty fuckin rude and dismissive. If arospecs are somehow "allo" for feeling romantic attraction in any capacity, then bisexuals must be "straight" for being sometimes attracted to the "opposite" gender, and I'm sure we all know that's not true. (Or at least I should hope so, cause I ain't playing the biphobia game with anybody.)

6 hours ago, Coyote said:

Can you elaborate?

 

I ask because I've seen some aros (ex. here & Crou in the post above) talk about membership only in aro-specific communities and/or communicate a preference for modeling ace & aro communities as two separate things. Is there a way to make the premise of an overarching a-community compatible with that?

Think of it like the LGBTQ+ community. Obviously (to pick an arbitrary example), gay people are not bi, and bi people are not gay, and I'm sure most of them would not consider themselves a part of those specific communities (i.e. I, as a bisexual, do not consider myself part of the lesbian community because I'm not a lesbian). But at the same time, most of them do consider themselves part of a larger unified community, based on the experiences that they do very much share and the benefit that can be gained from unifying with each other. That's how I feel about the aspec community; I don't consider myself ace, and I don't consider myself a lesbian, but I do consider myself aspec and queer.

Ah, that makes sense.  Well, good luck figuring it out!