merlindfluorite

1. Start by needing someone to be your emergency contact. Build from there until you are essentially common law married. 🤣 2. Depends on how they start I think. That's like any type of relationship. Is there enough trust? Is there enough commonality? How long is a piece of string? 3. Yes. Although in my experience the 'dating' relationships are bit more casual. 4. This is an odd question - it's a bit like looking at all the different types of dynamics between siblings, or parents and children. It depends on the people, the dynamic, the healthiness of it. Most aros generally grow up in a romance-oriented world so even if we don't feel it we at least accept that other people do! 5. I am poorer. I have to pay for everything myself 🤣

No I didn't figure it out until I stumbled on the definition of aromanticism one day. People can be interesting and sex could be fun. I just figured I hadn't met the 'one' yet. A lot of my ex-partners had complained about my lack of commitment etc. Then when I found the aro label it really hit me like a bolt.

Romantic love, most forms of love, allow for toxicity around ideas of ownership, entitlement, toxicity & more. Any time you can say 'oh but I'm sorry I love you' there will be someone who uses it to twist it. In my experience it gets used a lot as a get out of gaol free card. Anything to do with finances and power of attorney, marriage legally trumps pretty much any other paperwork you have. So if you're not married, people will see you as more risky, esp when it comes to things like mortgages. That's really fascinating because I thought that this was one of the most interesting ships on the show in the early seasons (I don't know how they ended up) simply because it was so abusive (for fictional entertainment purposes only of course). I was so hooked on the idea of 'what happens when you fall in love with someone with a very specific moral difference?'

Xena, warrior princess. What more explanation is needed? Also I had to question if I was truly aro during the original short run of Wentworth Miller as Captain Cold on the Flash tv show. Head over heels I swear 🤣 You know it's difficult - do I want to be them, do I want to be their bff, do I want to put them in a jar? It's so hard to sort out the emotions!

I was trying to link to the original post from tumblr thoodleoo but my computer is not complying - ancient greek word of the day: αἰγίλιψ, "devoid of goats; hence, incredibly steep, to the point that not even goats can climb it". Goatforsaken. Also, the welsh word for carrot is moron. And I enjoy that immensely.

Welcome! Also welcome to the long-overdue-penny-drop moment that a lot of us alloaros seem to have when our relationships don't quite go to plan, hopefully this is the start of good things for you! & absolutely yes, let's get some more fantasy nerds up in here - the great late Sir Terry was all about embracing your identity.

Oh wow I never knew that, that is hilarious. I can't believe that guy is the Batman now. Unreal. I asked a friend of mine irl to name a romantic movie & she went for the Claire Danes Romeo & Juliet But to me - a lot of the romance in Shakespeare always came off as the 'Great Bard' poking fun at the insanity of romance? I find a lot of the romances I watch have this element to them where it's not the romance itself that makes it entertaining but sort of the environment it exists in? (I hope we can all agree that Harold Perrineau was the best part of that movie )

I am cackling at the image of someone out there trying to bleach a pigeon

Penguins for sure, still an animal of the alphabet mafia but they're too famous for pairing up for life. Adorable though. I reckon flamingos get the love thing because they're pink. That's got to be it right?

Absolutely agree with the replies here, & definitely worth asking the therapist if they 'believe' in aromanticsm entirely. 'Scared of commitment' is so much of a stereotype for men & it's just so much more complex than that. I would also add: how are your other relationships? Your friends & family? Are you committed to them? Plenty of people have partners that don't fit the traditional mould - & commitment issues (often based insecurity as I understand it) generally affect other areas of your life as well. Is it feasible that some undefinable unknown trigger caused 'commitment issues' so severe that you doubt you even have the smallest of crushes but are otherwise comfortable in your sexuality & other relationships?

Four weddings was so boring! I do love John Hannah & I think he really sold it at the funeral, but that was it. The main plot was so dull. 50 Shades is based on Twilight so I guess it's appropriate that the 2 unbelievably toxic romances get mentioned together. Again, when I was managing a movie theatre, 50 Shades came out. I've never known a worst valentine's weekend rush. So funny that all the actors from twilight will just outright drag it now 🤣

I think that's very much also just being unashamedly rude! Just what? I definitely believe that it must have some effect - perhaps it's different for aroaces compared to aroallos? I know I've been a bit dumbstruck over a pretty face once or twice... I think also aros are more likely not to overlook character traits because we're feeling all loved up. I've certainly seen friends over the years either talk someone up or dismiss someone entirely based on some undefinable 'compatability.' There's also the societal bias we have, just culturally, about certain physical traits. If you've never taken the implicit bias test, I would recommend it: https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatest.html

Just as a different perspective, when people ask about what I am I generally start with queer. Aromantic is a label that really works for me personally, finding it was like taking a weight off my shoulders, so was bisexual, out & proud. But generally I stick with queer because I don't want other people putting me in one of their boxes. I get that if I was trying to find a partner that I might need to put a bit more out there - but I'd never worry about switching up my language to better get someone to understand what I am by their references - I'm queer, I'm gay, I'm unavailable, I'm not quite human like you - I have used all these things with different groups of people. And then of course where it's not safe to be out, I go with the trusty old not really looking for anything right now. If you're looking for deeper bonds with people, that is unfortunately as hit & miss as most other types of relationships. You can only be sure of your own boundaries, communicate as well as you can, & keep meeting new people. But QPRs exist, good people are out there, so don't give up hope!

I have definitely lost my patience for what I consider to be 'lazy' romance - instalove, pairing off characters for all round hea etc. - but I don't mind a well done one. I certainly appreciate friendship/found family tropes a whole lot more though. I stay away from romance-first stories in general. Unless it's a hallmark christmas movie because those are a hilarious drinking game!

Legolas & Gimli, LotR, all the way. Elves & Dwarves, at odds since creation, because of their creation, & Legolas & Gimli go . Ultimate QPR for me.

This is a very complex question, & I'm not sure I can do anything but give some very general suggestions. I think you need to think about what your life would be like as a single parent. If there is any hint that your partner maybe might bail at some point - emotionally, physically or financially - then you need be to absolutely sure that you would still choose to be a parent & be able to give your child everything they need. There are lots of stories of parents who were able to travel or complete their studies, but this isn't the norm, & it's incredibly hard. If you think about your life in 10 years, do you see yourself doing things like the school run, & playdates, & child-friendly vacations? Doing laundry 5 times a week because there's mud everywhere? In your mind, does that balance out when your kid is having a tantrum, or crying their eyes out, or being adorable with you? I wish you the best of luck! It's a tough choice to make. Do what is right for you.

I was working at a movie theatre when the fault in our stars came out. everybody came out crying. sure it was sad but romantic? Change the soundtrack & you wouldn't need to change anything else for 50 first dates & you could re-release that as a horror tomorrow. Passengers I never saw but I do remember there being a bit more of a pushback because it came out right around the height of the #metoo movement

(disclaimer - watching these movies won't automatically define your identity) Post here the movies and movie couples that everyone tells you are the absolute pinnacle of romance - that do absolutely nothing for you. Here's mine: The Notebook An absolutely shocking display of toxic nonsense. And another: Dirty Dancing This is romance? Really? Sure.

I figured I'd throw my two cents in here, feel free to throw all of this out the window. It sounds like this is a little bit more complex than just your romantic orientation, but that could certainly be a factor. Looking for relationships where there isn't a romantic/sexual attraction at its core, could be because of an aspec identity. Or it could mean that you want a stronger platonic/familial bond in your life. Maybe think about all of your relationships/friendships/kinships overall & see if you have any solid, strong bonds - you might be feeling lonely but for friends & family instead of love. This doesn't mean that you will never fall in love, but it might mean you're not ready to commit to a partner when you don't feel grounded. Things like ghosting & self-sabotage ring a lot of not setting good boundaries for yourself. You're figuring things out, but maybe to alleviate some of the stress around your potential romantic relationships, think about whether you can really take something slow. Communicate as much as you can. Check in with yourself & how you feel every step of the way. There are so many identities under the aspec umbrella - & there's a lot of fluidity to it. What's right for you now might change in the future. Our culture tells us a lot about how we should live, sometimes, & sometimes we need to examine how that's affected our view of both ourselves & the people around us. I hope this helps. Tldr: slow down, think about what you're feeling as you feel it. Look for patterns. Good luck! This community is supportive if you feel like this is the right place for you. Have a look around, at the other experiences & identities. See what resonates.

Australia is bloody huge so I'm sure it'll be a long while before you even start to run out of places to visit 🤣 I have never been but the pictures are incredible

I realise that it's not always possible for everyone, but my driving license changed everything! So much freedom.

@Pyris completely right. There are so many nuances to the aro spectrum, & there's no 'one-size-fits-all' for any identity label. There's no deadline to figure it out & there's also no need for one thing to be completely true for you forever. I'll also add - sometimes the want for a relationship can come from the culture you've been brought up in. For me, I was out & proud as a bisexual for a decade before I found aromanticism & realised how strongly I identified with it. But, in the time before, I was still holding onto the ideas I'd developed as a young kid - that I would grow up, settle with a husband, have the 2.4, spend all my time with my nuclear family. In a way, it made me devalue my relationships with women & stress more about my failed relationships with men, because they all inevitably failed. For me, it was a relief to discover that a role I had been unconsciously forcing myself into for a long time wasn't the 'be all & end all' - but I also had to really confront & finally let go of this idea of settling down in the traditional way. And my life is much freer & happier for it. This is a long-winded way of me recommending that you really look at what unconscious ideas you have about romance & what romance means to you. I really have waffled on here.

This just reminded me of something, which is actually pretty morbid so if anyone wants me to delete this then fine. I grew up with the tradition of not getting re-married if your spouse passed away, no matter how young you were. So I wanted to be a widow. Widows had all the respect of a married woman with none of the day-to-day marriage. As I grew up I realised that was a pretty messed up idea, & maybe if I'd known about aromanticism then I might have figured it out a bit sooner!