hemogoblin

Cacophony

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Veeeeeery slowly making my way through Creepy Tale.

Asexuality https://www.asexualityarchive.com/ https://asexualagenda.wordpress.com/ For demisexuality: http://demisexuality.org/ Aromantic: AUREA was already listed, but they also have a page of resources, including a bunch of sites, you could check out: https://www.aromanticism.org/en/resources-1 https://aromanticguide.com/ https://www.arospecweek.org/about-aromanticism/ It's really awesome you want to help educate the counselor so she can be a better counselor for students!

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ryan akagi, min gi park, tulip olsen, lake, jesse cosay, grace monroe, alan dracula, one one, amelia hughes,

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You actually sprung forth from the ground fully formed, thereby not being born nor having a birthday. Rock beats scissors.

I'm sorry things are tough right now and your parents wouldn't accept you. :( What kind of pride things are you looking for? Do you have an idea? Just wondering because there's a lot of different kinds of stuff on etsy and amazon, so knowing what you're after could help us make better suggestions.

Commenting on the Carnival WordPress or sending the Carnival an email is best (since we regularly monitor those places), but you can also reach out to me personally here on the forum or on tumblr! We're very flexible.

What I find difficult about coming out advice is that coming out is, unfortunately, a lifelong process. How, why, when, and for what reason you come out can vary so wildly even just in your personal life for a variety of reasons (what kind of relationship you have with the person, why you're coming out, how old you are, how many times you've come out before, etc.). The basic advice of coming out stands as: A lot of people will give you the opposite advice, and I absolutely hate it. Let your coming out be about you. You come out when you're ready. You come out when you want to. You come out in whatever way is safest and/or most comfortable for you (in person? through a letter? through a phone call? through a text?). The best time to have potentially hard conversations like this is a neutral time when everyone's needs have been met (ie, everyone is reasonably well rested and has eaten recently enough because things like fatigue and hunger can make people impulsive, anxious, moody, easily frustrated, etc.). Be prepared to explain what your identity means. You can include some resources for the other person/people to use to learn more but they are most likely going to rely on you for their understanding of the label. It's too much pressure, not to mention impossible, to represent an entire community. So your explanation should be a basic definition of what the label means. Anything further, answer/explain based off of your own feelings/observations. Aim to be concise. Coming out can be a shock to people and many won't hear past the basic coming out (what you're coming out as and what that means). Coming out is often a series of conversations, so be prepared to leave a lot out that you might want to come back to and explain later. (For example, the first conversation might be about the fact that you're aromantic and this means you won't be dating. If you're open to a queerplatonic relationship, then explaining what a qpp is will probably happen later down the line after people have had time to process you being aromantic.) Set boundaries. People may ask inappropriate or offensive or upsetting questions. Remember that you are not obligated to answer any question you don't want to, aren't comfortable, or just aren't sure how to answer. It's also okay if you don't know how to answer right away - but do want to answer - and let the other person know that you'll come back to it. People are not obligated to an answer to their question just because they asked it, though. People may also make inappropriate/offensive/upsetting statements. You are not obligated to sit there and be berated or talked down to. Have some after self-care planned out. This may be some time alone to reset, it may be cuddle time with a pet, it may be time with a friend. Coming out is exhausting even when it goes well, so take care of yourself. Plan ahead and think about your safety. Is there any chance, however slim, that people you're coming out to may withhold financial support, kick you out, disown you, verbally assault you, and/or escalate to physical violence? If so, plan around that. This may mean not coming out until you're financially independent. It may mean coming out over email and blocking them for a few weeks to months to give them time to process. It may mean coming out in a public place so there are witnesses around if they become violent. If you want more specific advice, I'd need more details on who you're coming out to, if you're a minor or adult, the kind of relationship you have with each of these folk, etc. I'll tell you the story of how I came out as asexual the very first time, which was to my mom, for some context. I was in late high school. I had just found the term and immediately connected with it. I knew it was me. So, I was pretty immediately ready to come out. My father was never emotionally a part of our lives, so I didn't care about coming out to him. Only to my mother. So, one night when it was just the two of us, and she was prepping dinner, I pulled out some chips and salsa (a comfort food and something to keep my hands occupied and stop me from rambling). I just came out and told her that I had something to say. I was asexual and that meant I didn't experience sexual attraction and it explained why I'd been so uninterested in dating or anything like that. I think I was so nervous as coming out as asexual that I actually forgot to come out as panromantic. She had some basic questions and made some basic comments ("just know it's okay to change your mind later" ugh), and that was that. It was nerve-wracking but overall went smoothly and as well as I could expect. There's no big secret to it not being kinda awkward and nerve-wracking. You just...say what you need to say. Typical range of negative responses you might prepare for: So you've never been in love then? How sad! You're probably just a late bloomer. Don't worry; it'll come when you meet the right person! Wow, that seems really lonely. [general expressions of condolences rather than congratulations] Are you sure? You've probably had a crush before and just didn't realize/are afraid of commitment. I can't personally relate, so that must not be a thing. Have you thought about seeing a doctor/therapist? In general, though, I honestly suggest not focusing on the potentially negative reactions. Plan for your safety, yes, but remember why you want to share this about yourself, which probably includes some aspect of finally understanding who you are and realizing you're not broken/aren't the only one who feels this way! If you focus too much on the potential negative, ime, it will make you tend towards the defensive, which will make aromanticism seem like something you need be defending. Be happy and share your happiness with others. People who aren't totally the worst will follow your lead and be happy for you. Finally, here's a specific post AUREA wrote up on Coming Out as Aromantic. Good luck!

Elliot Page (he/they) is publishing a memoir called Pageboy: A Memoir coming out in June! (Cover of Pageboy featuring a photo of Elliot Page in a white tank and jeans while sitting down in front of a red background) Anybody else excited to read it? (Of course, I still have Redefining Realness on my shelf to read, too. Dx )

Has anybody mentioned Jim from Our Flag Means Death (whose actor Vico is worth all the social media follows!)? (Portrait of Vico Ortiz on the left, Jim Jimenez on the right) Also must always mention Mae Martin in Feel Good! Mae Martin also wrote a book Can Everyone Please Calm Down that I've been wanting to read but haven't had the money to buy yet. Plus, Sabi in Sort Of, played by the wonderful Bilal Baig!

Does anyone else feel like Lizzo writes a lot of bops that are (perhaps unintentionally) aro jams? I think it's a by-product of her art focusing on self-love and telling her truth (rather than telling specific stories), but I end up relating to a lot of Lizzo's work in a really aromantic way. Even a lot of her songs about love feel relatable in an aromantic way. 2 be loved Truth Hurts Cuz I Love You Boys Soulmate Anybody else? 👀

I don't know if you saw this post floating around twitter or not, but your post talking about being a "bad guy" reminds me of a twitter conversation we were just having where someone was ascribing aromanticism to men in general because of current dating culture. What makes the so-called "player-type" man a "bad guy" is that these men are misogynists who do not view or treat women as people. These men aren't simply uninterested in commitment. They are uninterested in treating women with respect. Committing to a women in any sort of actual relationship would require a basis of respect and thinking of her as a fellow person (and just because a man seems to commit to a relationship doesn't mean he is actually doing the work required for a relationship commitment). This is a by-product of a larger culture of abuse (where systematic abuse like racism, misogyny, cissexism, heterosexism, fatphobia, etc. are supported by medium systems of abuse such as perpetuated by capitalistic work force and large religious systems are supported by small systems of abuse like intimate partner abuse and child abuse), where men are encouraged to not seek out a partner but rather a tireless caretaker and give nothing to their "partner" in return. And breaking it down even further to just look at men who are only interested in sex but not romantic or committed relationships, the problem isn't that they are interested in sex without relationships. It's that they commonly: Aren't honest about this and often mislead and lie to women to get what they want (even preferring to lie if it's a woman who's only looking for sex as well) Use this an excuse to be selfish and ungiving, not caring about their partner's safety, health, or pleasure (ex. being lax about protected sex, lying about multiple partners while especially not using condoms, expecting blowjobs but never even asking about if their partner got off or had a good time, utilizing sexual coercion, etc.) Use this as an excuse to treat women as a sex object rather than a human being with thoughts and feelings Manipulate the other person into giving them time and energy, then ghost (or even mock and then ghost) when they get what they want (sex) Brag about their exploits, again treating women like tokens (objects) to be collected Turn around and demean and degrade women for falling prey to their manipulation Aromantic doesn't mean not wanting a commitment or committed relationship. Aromantic means low or no romantic attraction. Some aros even want committed relationships, whether that be a queerplatonic relationship, committed friendship, or even a committed romantic relationship. Not wanting a committed relationship is often a common desire amongst aromantics, but it's not what defines being aromantic. It's also not inherently a bad thing. It gets conflated as a bad thing in order to protect the abuse culture (and amatonormativity and patriarchy in general, all of which are heavily tied to each other) and protect men who are mistreating and abusing women from accountability of their actions. If the focus stays on them "not wanting commitment", then we're not addressing the real issues, such as misogyny and dehumanizing women and amatonormativity/not making room for multiples types of lifestyles.

This is gonna be a really frustrating answer, but what answer feels better to you? Do you have a gut instinct for which it feels to you or which you'd prefer it to be? I was just reading this great response by life-of-an-asexual on the difference between romantic relationships and friendships on tumblr that succinctly says something I've been trying to summarize for years, such as my post where I talk about how romantic attraction has manifested for me in the past. The difference is you. The difference is the intent that you prescribe to it. The truth is that there is no one, objective way that attraction specifically feels. People might individually try to describe how platonic, alterous, queerplatonic, and romantic attraction feels to them or ways they want to act on this attraction and end up describing the same exact physical manifestations. The only difference would be how we categorized them (likely off of what we wanted to do with them: be good friends, not really sure and maybe just see where it goes, become zucchinis, or date). For example, kissing can be platonic, queerplatonic, romantic, or sexual just depending on the intent of the people performing this action. There's no objective correct answer here as to what these feelings actually are or what you want to do with them. So, how do you want to label these feelings, if at all? It's okay to let that be your answer. It's also okay if you pick something now and realize later that you actually want something else/want to label the feelings differently. There's no right and wrong here. Just getting to know yourself and respecting your own feelings. I'm sorry; I know oftentimes we wish that feelings and identity were more like a quiz that someone could give us the correct answers, but that's just not how it works!

So glad I could help put words to it! If that's the case, then I would say that you probably do experience romantic attraction on some level. The next step would be to consider if this level occurs on a more aro frequency or a more allo frequency. Some considerations could be: Who? I would say it's uncommon to have a lingering crush on a complete stranger you saw once on the street (though an allo might feel attraction to a stranger), but crushes can occur on anybody within a range of closeness, including: close friends, casual friends, acquaintances, coworkers/peers, coffee barista, retail cashier, doctor/dentist, celebrities, and/or fictional characters. Somebody the allo sees at least every now and then (even if through social media or a show rather than real life), though they don't have to be particularly close. (There can be exceptions even to this. If you ever watched Lord of the Rings, you might be familiar with the fan-named character "Figwit", a character who had a total of maybe two seconds on screen who many fans fixated on for his apparent good looks. He has about 200 fanworks dedicated to him on ao3.) An aro is more likely to have a limited range of who they experience attraction to, whether that be only close friends or only acquaintances or only fictional characters. When? For an allo, crushes are pretty much a part of daily life and can describe both fleeting and lingering feelings. People may have several crushes at once. They may develop new crushes on a daily, weekly, or potentially monthly basis. Crushes may last for as little as an hour to up to many months. I think crushes tend to slow down both as an adult (teenagers are full of lots of hormones and this largely settles down for many adults), as well as for someone in a committed relationship(s) (which I would put down to a relationship taking a lot of time and focus, just giving people less energy and desire to notice others around them for a while). Even folk in committed monogamous relationships are likely to experiences crushes on other people now and again. An aro is more likely to go months to years without any hint of romantic attraction, with year long gaps being common and regular. What to do? An allo certainly doesn't want to act upon all their crushes for a variety of reasons. Some can be enjoyable to be just cherished in secret. Others may be frustrating or annoying (such as a crush on a coworker that puts you in an awkward position at work, an inappropriate crush on a boss or your doctor which makes you anxious and overthink in scenarios you'd like to be clear headed in, or a crush on someone you know you'd be incompatible with and would never work well in a relationship together). Sometimes an allo may even act on their feelings without wanting a relationship (they enjoy flirting, it feels good, they can't figure out how they'd react normally, their feelings make them nervous and impulsive, etc.). But every now and then, an allo will want to act on those feelings and try to pursue a relationship if possible. An aro's confusion on what to do with crush-like feelings may be even more magnified since these feelings are so rare for them. Some aros may be disgusted and repulsed by these feelings, even. There's no one-story-fits-all for either allos or aros (ex. allos can experience romance-repulsion, though it is rarer for them), but these are just some points of difference I thought may help. At the end of the day, there's a reason you've related to aromantic experiences. Some time figuring out if you can tease out why this is may help you better decide how you want to label - or some time taking a break from introspecting on this and just identifying a certain way for a matter of months and seeing how it makes you feel may help instead.

I think the difference between an "issue" and an identity in these contexts is your feelings on it. Does identifying as lithromantic help you (describe your feelings, connect with a community you can relate to, feel like you belong, etc.)? Do you want to identify as lithromantic? Are these feelings you accept that you have and will likely continue to have, even if they upset or frustrate you - or are these feelings you would like to seek professional help to try and change? Are these feelings you reject to a point where it would bring you upset or pain to identify as lithromantic? But I personally think of "issues" in this context as choices rather than feelings. Ie, you maintain attraction to someone but choose to not pursue a relationship out of fear/anxiety of intimacy. I also don't think not wanting to, not being able to, or not being ready for commitment inherently translates to an "issue" (which has quite negative connotations). That's a very amatonormative perspective people are feeding you. Also remember that it's okay if a label is indeed a phase. It's okay to identify as lithromantic right now, even if you later outgrow the label and it no longer suits you. That doesn't invalidate how you feel now.

I'm caedromantic, so I actually used to be probably alloromantic. I can tell you what my crush feelings used to feel like: Overwhelming magnetic pull to stare at/think about/be around the other person but also being inexplicably scared/anxious/awkward about actually interacting with them Desperately wanting them to notice me It being so special when they did notice me An emptiness/void if they took away attention again A strong desire to just be with them and have them be with me Preoccupation with how to get them to pay more attention to me (sometimes these were just daydreams if I wanted to keep things private and secret) Feeling like I was orbiting around them and being drawn to just...existing near them Their opinion towards me mattering more than anybody else's Lots of daydreaming and ruminating over them Feeling euphoric and special when they did interact with me and give me attention Like the rest of the world would fade away and it was just the two of us when we did interact