nonmerci

22 hours ago, DavidMS703 said:

I've always until recently thought I was cis too just because gender isn't really a part of my identity and how I see myself as an individual.

That's why I identify as cis too, because I have no sense of my gender,  don't consider it as a part of my identity, and don't care about that fact. (And that's why too I have difficulty to understand why people care about it though I am trying)

But if I understand you don't identify as cis any more? Why?

On 1/19/2020 at 5:28 PM, DeltaV said:

So though I've never seen this stated explicitly, gender seems (?) to retain some connection to biological sex*. Like, it has to be inspired by or be in analogy to the social grouping arising from distinguishing people by their biological sex.

We learn from a very young age that people with a masculine sex behave this way, and people with a feminine sex behave this way. That leads people to believe that our behaviour is somehow linked to our biological sex. Which then leads to suffering and questioning if our behaviour doesn't match what it is expected because of our biology, and then to dysphoria. At least that's how I see it, but I am cis, and not cis people can correct me.

I don't really care about monogamy  (I thought, reading the definition, that I could care about structural monogamy, but then I read the example and... no).

I suppose it is juste me thinking that some kind of connection with a person should not provide you for having the same connection with someone else, if this connection is developping itself. I must be a non-exclusive person.

But to be honest, I never thought about it before. Monogamy us just don't sound like a concept that applies to me (that's why I chose "something else"). I just don't see the point in the kind of relationship I have (which are not sexual, not romantic, not queerplatonic...). I have familial and friendly relationships, and I can't see how concepts of monogamy and polygamy are relevant here.

As @Jot-Aro Kujo said, anxiety towards romance is not necessarily aro, but a lot of aros feel it. I suppose that if you don't want to be in a romantic relationship, it is logical to feel not comfortable when you are in one, which leads to anxiety, nausea, etc.

From what you say, it seems you need a deep platonic bound, which can be fulfilled by a romantic relationship, but also by platonic or queerplatonic, if you had the chance to have friends that are willing to have a deep bond with you.

Now, I can't really help you with that as I personnaly don't feel this need; but maybe you can find some aro in a queerplatonic relationship to know how it worked? Also, don't lose hope : I'm sure deeper friendships exist over there.

2 hours ago, asexualpanda27 said:

But romantic partners aren’t usually thrilled when someone says they can’t love them back romantically.

I saw some topic here about that, but it was usually aro who were engaged in a romantic relationship before they knew about aromanticism and are now trying to make it work with their partner. It is possible in theory, but as you said very complicated.

I was wondering if anybody here watch You on Netflix? That's about a crazy guy who is ready to do anything for love… literally. He does horrible things through the show and justifies it because of *love*. Because of the plot, there is of course kisses, "romance", and all; but it's interesting to enter into his head and see how his need of romance leads him to crime. Or, how I say it, how romance tropes create a psychopath who is convinced he is a "good guy".

19 hours ago, asexualpanda27 said:

part of me is worried that what I’m missing is a romantic relationship and I KNOW romance doesn’t make me human and people don’t NEED romance to be happy, but I’m worried that I’m the exception. What if romance is what I’m missing? What if I’m destined to be lonely forever because I can’t feel what I need to feel in order to access what I need to feel complete? 

Here's how I see it : what do you miss exactly? do you think it would be fixed by a romantic relationship? romantic feelings? what kind of emotional need do you lack exactly?

Don't know if I make sense, but strong human connections don't have to be romantic; it can also be platonic, queerplatonic… First you have to define what kind of emotional need you have, and then try to find them. I think some aros are in a romantic relationship even if they don't feel attraction or romantic feelings.

Also, is the label cupioromantic makes sense to you? An aro who still wants or needs romance?

Ok, I get why you won't tell your husband.

2 hours ago, Luci said:

Honestly, considerately arranged marriages make way more sense to me.

Same. Before I knew I was aro, I sometimes regretted to not have been borned at the time when arranged marriage was the norm, because I thought it was easier to get a husband that all the flirt and all... Now, I don't know if I would have been happy in a happy marriage, because I'm not sure I would have love kisses, sex, etc; but it sounded better at the time.

Some things you say sound aromantic, in particular 

26 minutes ago, Luci said:

I watch films and cannot relate to couples that would do anything for each other, or who cant live without each other, or people who fall madly in love with each other. In the real non-Hollywood world, I have never understood my friends infatuation with another person, or that they sacrifice everything else to be with that person. I feel like I am absolutely alien to the concept, a bit of a freak really. Its just as if love, that romantic notion of it, happens to other people and I come from a different species.

Now, only you can know how you feel; but there is other type of attraction than romantic and sexual : like physical, alterous, platonic... maybe you confused this things?

29 minutes ago, Luci said:

Or perhaps I always was but it can ebb and flow sometimes. I know that asexuals can have a sex drive kick in once in a blue moon, is that perhaps the same with aromantics?

You mean like aro flux? For some people orientation is fluid, it changes, with period where you feel it and some period you don't.

31 minutes ago, Luci said:

And if my suspicions are right, I could never tell the hubby as it would hurt him. And I do love him in my way, and I do show affection, and I like receiving cuddles too, plus I make the extra effort so that he doesn't suspect anything.

Can I ask why you won't tell him? Of course it would hurt him at first, bit in the end wouldn't be more honnest for him, and easier tell him, tosay how you feel? I truly believe that communication is the key on a couple, so both people can find something satisfying.

Though I can understand the fear of losing him. Some people stay in couple after realizing one of them is aro, though it leads to a change in the relationship (compromise between platonic and romantic feelings), bit I suppose some other couple don't.

@hermi1e

Exactly.

To write spoilers,  write your text between [spoiler*] and [/spoiler*], without the *.

And also

Just so the last Star Wars.

I didn't know the word "negging". I search on Google and that sounds dumb. I saw it on movies but not in real life (at least I think).

But I suppose that the conversation I wrote can't be mistaken as negging... except that my characters really meant it and that the girl wants the boy to go away.

It may also be the trope "they hate each other then fallin love" (well technically they hate each other and will become friends; but still, I never thought about it as a flirting phase...).

And of course the fact that you always expect the boy and the girl to kiss at the end of a book or a movie...

Oh I knew this existed somewhere. It should be in the front page.

Now, I don't understand flirting. Or at least why something is consider as flirting.

Here's the thing : I'm working on a book. At some point my characters are fighting/insulting each other, and one of my beta-reader thought they were flirting without noticing it. First, how can you flirt without knowing it? Second, the boy sayed the girl can't do something on her own and the girl called him arrogant. How is that flirting? How? Can someone explain this mystery to me? I dont get it. At all.

14 hours ago, LBMango said:

sex = romance...

Come on, only 90% of it (crying inside).

I suppose it was supposed to be a jokes about how couples are in fact about sex more than romance,  but i came out wrong and really this is bad. Aro are robots, sex is part of romance, and romantic love needs a lot of sex (90% exactly, so asexual romantic relationships are have only 10% of romance I guess). I didn't know you can put this much of amatonormativity in a few lines.

I am working on a novel and asked for a beta-reading of an extract, which happens to be one of the first conversations of my main characters, a girl and a boy. They started by annoying each other and the girl doesn't like the guy. So of course, the beta-reader thought they hate each other at first and will fall in love later. And I was wonderng how to tell him how wrong he was. They'll be friends, not lovers. Because no romance in the novel, yeah!

I don't know if I can help because I compartimentalize my emotions a lot too.

When I discovered aromanticism, I tried to convince myself I was not part of it. Which is a bit weird because on the other side, I had zero problem accepting my asexuality (the harder here was to accept there was a special word and asexuality wasn't the norm lol). But I thought I had crushes because I intellectually chose boys that was nice and cute as potential husband (because getting married sounds like something you have to do in your life, accordons to society). And most of all, I wanted and still want to have children : being aro meaning give it up on having a traditional family,  and it was hard for me, the very reason why I deny my aromanticism at first.

This causes me to emphasize the one real crush I had : I couldn't be aro because I had butterflies for this guy as soon as he walks in, back in 2014. But it was 5 years ago, lasted only two or three weeks, and I wasn't obsessed about this guy, didn't daydream about kissing him or imagine a date or things like that. Could I really say I was allo based on one experience five years ago, that is even not as extreme as it seems to be for other people? I don't think so.

Because of it and some intellectual interest (meaning I consciously decided I can have a crush on someone, which wasn't a crush in fact), I decided to go for greyro. But then I realized that I mistaken crushes for what I call now intellectual attraction or interest, and that I never had another crush like that in my whole life. So I use only aro now. But I had to go though denial phases before.

So I don't know if this was because of society, my own desire, or whatever, but I get that you can be in denial and then emphasize all the things that would make you not aro, because it makes you feel safer.

1 hour ago, TripleA said:

I never even thought of the flag design so actually no. I'm not someone who intentionally copies work. Idk why people think I have some ulterior motive against people bc of what I believe. If any designs look like anyone else's, it's usually an accident. 

I don't think I said you imply anything? Except if this about the fact that your aro flag should not replace the current one; as you entitled it "aromantic flag redesigned" I assume it was it's purple,  but that could be that mis understanding the title so sorry.

Then, about the similarities with the other flag, I sais it may be unconscious, which means there is no intent. It is possible that you forgot how the aroallo flag was, but your brain reproduction it unintentionally. That's all I said.

I like the vertical flag, it is more original than horizontal lines. 

Hi and happy new year everybody!

So, I got the feeling that we focus too much on aro inclusion in ace places. Which have sense considering that aro and ace has been tied together since the creation of ace community... but seems damaging too. For instance, people here saying they didn't realize they are aro because they thought you have to be ace : except for heterosexual aro (I don't think there exist hetero places like LGBT places?), learning about aromanticism on gay, bi, pan, transgenres,  etc places would have help them a lot. Also, aro would feel more safe in LGBT communities, and it would help aro awareness more.

But I don't know how to do that. I am not personnaly involved in queer places except arocalypse.  I can't picture myself go on a LGBT community and say "hi! We exist!". I don't feel legitimate. I think AUREA must have a role here.

So, what I'm trying to say is : we should stop to focus so much on the ace communities and look for other places too.

2020 will be the aro year!

On 12/29/2019 at 4:12 AM, Coyote said:

 

Wh-- Th-- This looks just like @Jot-Aro Kujo's aromantic allosexual flag design. Am I seeing this right? Is there something wrong with my eyes? This is the exact same design except slightly paler.

This not your eyes,  this is true! I will chose to believe triple A just unconsciously thought about this flag when doing his own... because otherwise this is wrong.

Now, I like your aro flag, but as @Jot-Aro Kujo said, it shouldn't come in replacement for the current one that represents the whole community.

It is already difficult to say no sometimes even when there is no one around, but in public? Why do people do something like that?

At least, for proposa,  if the people are together for a long time and already mentionned the idea in private, there is little chance for a no so why not, though I don't think this is romantic (I don't know, I think it's sweeter when it is intimate than when it turns into a show).

But asking someone for a first date? And when you don't know the person that much? Two possibility :

-the person wants to pressure you so you can't say no

-the person is so confident that they don't even think you could refuse; and in this case, a lesson of humility is coming.

also, I wonder if it is a teenage thing? I read some comments about High school here. And I think young people who discover all this would be more inclined to turn dating into a show to impress their friends, than grown adults who will look more for feelings and stability. I mean this is just how I view it.

I don't read studies so I can't say, but for advice,  I'd say yes. Communication, mutual respect for a person, for one's desires or personality... these advices I saw about love relationships can Apple to any kind of relationship I think.

I don't think that you can apply everything, in particular if you read something that study the specificities of romantic relationship. But sometimes it is possible.

47 minutes ago, metelyk said:

But I did not know that QPR is also a way of feeling about people. I thought it was just a type of relationship that you can have. Is there such a thing as QPR attraction? Like romantic attraction, but instead of wanting to be in a romantic relationship, you want to be in a QPR.

I think that people define their relationship according to the type of feeling they have. So for me QPR is a type of relationship and a way to feel about people.

I don't know if there is a word for this type of attraction, but I think there should be one. I heard about alterous attraction, I don't know if it synonymous or no.

22 hours ago, Coyote said:

"Misinformation on QPRs Hinders Conversations About Community Relations"

I prefer this one, personnaly.

17 hours ago, LauraG said:

Would you consider the phrase "platonic relationship" to be a synonym of "friendship"?

For this one, no for sure. Family is a platonic relationship too. @aro_elise has a point too by mentioning colleagues, I didn't think about it but it works perfectly. Comrades, too. And probably other examples I am forgetting right now. Platonic is a larger term for me.

17 hours ago, LauraG said:

Do you consider all friendships to be platonic relationships?

Tricky one. I consider platonic as the opposite of romantic (and maybe of sexual too, but then there is the case of qpr that includes sex and that doesn't fit). In that sense, that would make all friendship platonic. But I heard about romantic friendships, so in that case all friendships aren't platonic. (and if we don't include sexual in platonic, then friends with benefit are not platonic friendships neither).

17 hours ago, LauraG said:

 

Do you consider all platonic relationships to be friendships?

As I say above, platonic relatinship is not synonym of friendship, so no.

On 9/10/2019 at 7:07 AM, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

I'm not a PoC, but I am hispanic and tired of having to explain to stupid exclusionshit fuckheads why deeming asexuality a "white people thing" is, in fact, extremely racist, because hey! I don't like being subjected to the spicy latina lover stereotype! ?

Some people says that? My optimism about human kind is going down more every day.

Personally I am mixed race though I don't look like I am (I am mistaken for white or arabic, depends on people and haircut,  because of my skin color). But if I'm honest I really don't care about my color and I have only a French culture (except maybe when it comes to food; I won't say I like spicy food but really, the seasoning is different). So I'm not sure I can add anything to the discussion.

You should search for the concept of QPR (queer platonic relationship). It is the kind of relationship you describe : something that isn't romantic, but different from what is expected from friendship (people often saying that it is deeper and involving more commitment than what is expected from friendship).

I can't elaborate more because I personally don't experience that, but some other aros do. And the concept of QPR is talked a lot in the community.