nonmerci

On 2/28/2020 at 1:08 PM, Mark said:

Does this mean creating resources specifically for LGBT sites or  "cut and paste" of existing resources?

My original idea was to create contents specifically for LGBT sites. That may just be me thinking this was common sense, but if there is any aro in these places they are more likely to identify as bi, gay, lesbian, etc than ace... so create content that actually adress the experience of being aro while not being ace was just logical to me.

Also, there is other things that concerned all aros. Like the Wikipedia page about LGBT symbol who present a lot of flag,  including the ace flag, but the aro one (there is not even an aromantic article or at least I don't find it; if you google "Aromantic wikipedia", the first response is... the article about asexuality;  I'd like to write one but right now I don't feel legitimate to write an article on a site where I never write anything).

There is still a lot of things to do, but my original idea was indeed to create aro content, not link to ace websites...

I think when someone ask JK Rowling if Charlie is gay because not married and no kids, she answers he is not gay but mire interested in dragons than women. So there is discussions about him being aroace. And fun fact : in tthe game hogwarts mystery on smartphone, they kept that. During the Valentine qu'est you have him saying things like "why dating when there is dragons", that was cool.

In my experience, friends bother less with that, though of course it depends on their personality. But my friends don't care.

However it's harder with parents, probably because they are more likely to have life projects for you and are not ready to let them go. Also maybe, a different generation. 

Mark made a poll about a similar question here (about with whom we could want to live or not).

I want to live alone with a kid or with my brother. I want to have a job that I enjoy and write books.

21 hours ago, Mark said:

If it originates from an asexual site it will have everything to do with asexuality. Due to having been written by asexual people for asexual people.
Please read up on intersectionality. Because it's essential for understanding here.

Im am confused. If there is no link and doesn't come from any website as @Morgenfluss said, how can it come from an asexual website? ?

I didn't know this orientation, thanks for letting me know! 

False.

TPBM like Asian food.

I think we never say it before, but Jo March from Little Women is 100% aro. The only reason she get married is because the publisher, not the author, wanted to for commercial reason (and that's why the romance is so forced). Jo and Laurie story really describes an aromantic struggle : how your allo best friend is expecting more of view. A lot of people interpret that in feminist point of view with Jo wanting independance, and why not, but for me it was just Jo being unable to reciprocate feelings. It was an aro thing for me, and always will be. There is nothing that shown Jo has even be romantically (nor sexually by the way) attracted to anyone, until the end when the author had to find her a partner because "society". Also, her ideal affective life seems to live happily ever after with her sisters, not a romantic partner.

So Jo is an aro icon for me.

And it is semi-autobiographical... from an author who never gets married and saw marriage as a social pressure... of course people think it is because of feminism and that she might be lesbian (because why would a woman not want to marry a man otherwise? I mean she is a feminist icon of course, but she sounds aro too, though will never know).

I write stories and 90% of the time there is romance in it... and I enjoy writingy characters falling in love, and sometimes being motivated by it.

3 hours ago, Mark said:

Given that the trope is "cake is better than sex" does "X is better than romance" have to be confined to food?

Not necessarily. To be honnest I would like more something like books, because books are so much better than romance.

Or thing like "I like action movie, not romance" (but with something else than this example because it is hard as a symbol, just to say we are here for the plot not for ship).

(Or maybe a sinking ship)

I like chocolate but I am not very found of having a food symbol,  I would feel like I'm stealing an ace thing.

I don't really have an article or what; I think I probably must have heard it in tv show or thing like that where characters were claiming to have a platonic relationship but they had a lot of sexual tension between them. So my childish mind had to interpret that as "sexually attracted but not dating"... even if the characters probably mean both non romantic and sexual and saying they were "friends".

21 hours ago, Mark said:

This is notable in the liberal use of "platonic" to mean "non romantic" rather than "non sexual/physical". (Especially outside of the USA.)

But wasn't it the case well before the ace community? I remember that always thought it meant that, when I was a child, and that I was very confused to discover it doesn't (and just thought what it meant for Plato and what it meant to day are completely different).

5 hours ago, Hehehe said:

"Why don't you like anyone? But what if someone likes you?" Öööööh then nothing happens cause I don't like them back. Doesn't it go like that with everyone, or do some people just magically start liking someone when they like you??

Exactly.

I don't want to get married but I want

kids.  I wanted to say both biological and adopted lol. Thing is : I can't really picture myself with pregnancy. My country is only trying to open assited reproduction to lesbian couples and single women. I know my parents are against it and I really can't picture myself justifying my choice to them and the reste of the world for the reste of my day. Si I am thinking more about adoption. But in a more tolérant society, both biological and adopted kids sound great to me.

I love it. And I saw some stuff my parents said (though there favorite not there : who will take care of you when you'll be old?")

I would say you have to mention them in your advertizing. Also, that maybe be just me and I am aro and ace so not concerned, but eveytime I read ao/ace group I read aroace group, and think you have to be both… Maybe a-spec would be better? Just a suggestion. As I say, I'm not all so I could be wrong (Jot-Aro, what do you think about it?).

I just realized that I would enjoy living with my brother. But he doesn't seem interested.  (I Don't know if he is aro or not, 29 and never seemed had a girlfriend, nor try to get one… my parents are pretty desperate). A friend or more as roomates could be fine too, but I just realized it have to be people  I really know well, not invasive (I can picture it with all of my close friends for this reason), who will respect my privacy. Like, my brother was a perfect candidate because if you don't speak to him, he will happily leave you alone.

First of all, sorry you have to go through all that. Don't know if I can help but here's the thoughts I have on it.

Don't know if it helps as we often say it here and you must know it, but you can't be wrong for feeling the way you do. A feeling is not a rational thing you can control, it can't be good or bad; only the way you act on it can be.

About the message you send, it was an unintentional mistake. But did you had a conversation with her about that? (except for the apologies you make?) Her suicidal attempt seem to haunt you, and maybe you need to talk about it (with her or with someone else). From what you said, I have the feeling you kept to yourself the hurt youfelt because you were scared it would hurt her; but as your story shows, these things always come in a conversation, and when kept for long, it always come the worst  way possible. Open communication is often hard, but sometimes necessary to heal. Of course, for that, you have to feel safe to say things freely.

About her not wanting you to say "I love you" any more, maybe you reach a phase where you need to discuss your relationship again? It is possible that she somehow expect more of your relationship, or at least that she expected it to be some kind of monogamy relationship (Mark gave this interesting  link about exclusive relationships) and that she felt betrayed when you fall in love with someone else because she thought she was your "number one" (in alloromantic hierarchy). Did you try to explain how for you, these kind of love are not less and more, just different? Did she understood or just pretended to? You said you didn't really know if she was your best friend or your QPP; but maybe, it is this lack of clarification that causes hurt now.

About disappointing people because being aromantic, try to think like this : would it be different if you were allo? Would you have fallen for A, stay with her after her suicidal attempt? Would have you been receptive to drunk guy feelings? (who romantically harrassed you by the way; he is the perfect example of how romantic people hurt people by being the way they are too, to say it in your terms) Would your mother like your boyfriend/girlfriend, or would she be disappointed because she thinks they are awful? You can't know. You never know.

In life, you will hurt and be hurt again. Of course, it is best to prevent it; but sometimes it is inevitable. One's action always affects other. Stupid example : my father was really pissed by the job I chose. Should I have do something I don't like with my life just to please him? To be happy I have to do what I want, not what other expect of me. I'm not saying to be selfish and to not care about people feelings; but it is impossible to satisfy everybody, and if you try to, you'll end-up unsatisfy yourself and hurt.

(My, I sound like a shrink)

Don't know if it helps. I hope it will get better.

Juste like ebonylanes said. I think you should let him know about your doubts, or maybe just when you'll be sure, and then have a conversation about it. You seem to enjoy what you have with him; but to make it work without feeling uncomfortable, communication and truth are important. He may not be pleased at first, but some people make aro/allo couples work, by discussing what they want from the relationship, what they are ready to compromise on or not (basically, doing what people should do when engaging in a long-term relationship without facing desillusion ha ha).

7 hours ago, ClearBlueSea said:

Wait, is that just a romantic thing?

Not necessarily I think (I suppose it works in platonic context too) but romance really embodies this kind of behaviour. Love at first sight is supposed to be a thing in romance.

On ‎1‎/‎27‎/‎2020 at 8:56 PM, DeltaV said:

Whatever mismatch is felt here, it might in some (?) cases be just like... noticed ... without any distressing feelings, aka dysphoria.

Thanks for the clarification!

On ‎1‎/‎27‎/‎2020 at 8:56 PM, DeltaV said:

A major problem is the terminology "gender assigned at birth". Because the the state doesn't put "gender" in birth certificates, passports, ID cards. Instead it says "sex" here.

I think it means that your gender is supposed to be the same as your sex here. People doesn't put gender in certificates etc, but when you read the sex given, people expect that it will be your gender too… Which is of course a problem when it is not the case.

13 hours ago, running.tally said:

Also, don't worry @nonmerci, I don't think you're being rude. I think you're just trying to understand something that, I argue, no one really understands either.

I hate to hurt people and ignorance can hurt sometimes. Aro know it, with all the things we heard by people who don't mean to be rude but still are.

13 hours ago, running.tally said:

I do think, though, that humans like to categorize ourselves into social groups, and gender may simply be one way of doing that.

Very true.

20 hours ago, DeltaV said:

Not everyone who fails to conform to the assumptions/stereotypes about their sex and has (even serious) problems with that fact has the desire to identify with a different gender. So much is certain.

I don't deny it. This is my case.

20 hours ago, DeltaV said:

Also I don't know if feeling gender-dysphoria is a necessary condition of being trans.

I am confused. Doesn't gender-dysphoria means "being not comfortable with the gender assigned assigned at birth/having a different between the gender you identify and the gender people say you are"? Or am I wrong?

20 hours ago, DeltaV said:

And if it were as you say, then removing the social pressure would mean there wouldn't be any more trans people.

I don't know if this is rude against trans people (in this case very sorry, enlightened me), but I actually believe that without the social pressure, there would not be trans because there would not be gender at all. I mean, the behaviour would still remain but would not be seen as matching or not matching our biological sex. After all, the perception of masculine and feminine can vary in different cultures (don't remember when I read it but in some cultures you have way more genders than in Occidental ones for instance).

But again, I don't fully understand the concept of gender so if I'm wrong or rude explain why to me please.

I would say being a parent is being disappointed. Parents tend to have great plans for their children, but most of the time, reality is different. I suppose they already experience it : they all do, even for little things. This is part of growing-up : doing what is right for you even if you have to oppose your parents for that.

I'm sure it will be fine. They'll probably won't like the idea at first, but they will accept it, because this is what parents (normally) do.

Being aro-ace I don't fell this kind of discomfort, but I think @sennkestra had a point with the analysis of how they phrased that. Reading the first sentence, it is exclusive to ace people for me. Then the second is confusing, because it seems to includes aro, so you don't really kno if they juste meant "aro and ace" without thinking you could be aro and not ace, or if aro allo are welcomed and wanted there. Which probably explain why you were the only aro allo : fom what I read here, this is not the first time that aro allo don't feel at ease in events that are supposed to be for them too, because there is not things about aro allo specifically in the end. So they'd probably won't go after reading a presentation like that because experience prevents them to do it.