nonmerci

3 hours ago, Star Lion said:

Aromantic isn’t a spectrum because if you like any gender romantically at all, that would make you non-aromantic or “alloromamtic”

Then where do you place greyromanticism, demiromanticism, and everything in the gray are? Do you think gray is alloromantic?

11 hours ago, Coyote said:

Non-alterous? o.o

I also see the term analterous, which has the a- prefixe. And I think it shares things in common with aromanticism and asexuality, like being define by an absence.

Interesting topic.

Redingote a-spec, I would think about anyone for whom an orientation is a "no" : aro, ace, aplatonic, non-alterous... I didn't think about agender because orientation and gender are different for me, but if they want to feel included, they are welcome of course.

50 minutes ago, Coyote said:

But as for some kind comparable of... platono... normativity?

I don't know if an allo ro and allosexual person would see it (or as a child maybe, when people encourage you to have friends and all). But inside the aro community maybe? As we say about squishes, it seems that sometimes aro are expecting to have squishes. Plus if the term emerged  (contrary to terms as asensual for instance, that I never saw), it must be because people feel this platonic pressure, I suppose.

20 hours ago, Star Lion said:

Still wish we didn’t call this a “spectrum.” Homo oriented people don’t call themselves a spectrum and neither do straight people so it makes sense for us to follow the same trend

Maybe they are on a spectrum too and don't notice? They certainly do in fact, I suppose that some allos feel crushes more often than other for instance. In fact I think there is a whole spectrum from aro to allo, and that there is even a fluid line where people calling themselves aro or allo is totally up to them, in the sense that it is at the frontier between the two. See what I mean?

4 hours ago, NotHeartless said:

I'm very glad for you the mother of this guy helped you out; just keep your distance.

It was a few years ago now, and I stopped talking to him since this happen. And I think his family moved in a different town. I was lucky that his mother talked to him. She is a very nice person, that's sad that such an adorable person has a son who does such things.

It seems we're not an isolate case, I had a friend who live this experience too after she broke up with her boyfriend (I think the guy had depression issues).

14 hours ago, bananaslug said:

I once had a guy in my physics class ask me out, and when I said no he proceeded to buy me a big box of chocolates instead of taking a hint. When I started avoiding him after that he had one of his friends confront me about why I wouldn't go out with him

Oh my, some people are such idiots... you're not a thing that you can buy with chocolates!

13 hours ago, aspecofstardust said:

I think as aros its probably something we are more keenly aware of than alloros.

Yeah this is true. Alloros doesn't even know that romantic attraction exists sometimes. Like, I saw someone say that approaching someone (not sure of the English term for that) in the street is bad because the person only want your body or sex... so it implies that this is bad for sexual attraction, but not romantic one?

12 hours ago, Cristal Gris said:

He told everyone that i was his girlfriend without me knowing.

It happened to me as well. It was someone that I don't really appreciate as a friend too but he didn't seem to understand, and I know he had a crush on me. One day someone asked me if it was true that I was his girlfriend. Spoiler alert : no it wasn't.

The same guy was really weird any way. If he saw a member of my familly in the street, he will change his way to talk to him and follow him. It was some kind of friendship harasment maybe. And it was hard to make him understand it was bad (I think he had a mental deficiency, and he didn't understand people limits; but his twin brother is the same I think and doesn't behave this way).

It all ended after he confesses his love and I rejected him. He threatened to commit suicide when I say no. Fortunately it was by email so I don't have to face this directly, and I saw his mother in the street and talk to her about that. She then handle it (she is a very adorable person). I didn't talk to him any more after that.

8 hours ago, aro_elise said:

i actually dislike that more, because it's like the english celibate, which describes abstinence from sex, usually for life, usually but not necessarily for religious reasons.  and that's not the same thing as being single at all.

I had no idea it means that in English!

Hey everyone!

I was wondering if some people here had to deal with romantic harassment? Someone who refuse to give up on you even if you said no, making allusions, or just make you uncomfortable by expressing his romantic feelings for you even if you don't reciprocate? Or anything ta you would qualify as romantic harassment? And did you get support?

I'm asking because I saw the concept being used from time to time, but no discussion about it. I hop it is not a common experience for aro people...

Also, it seems that some people think that aromantic don't challenge oppression or such things, but romantic harassment is typically something that can make us suffering, with people trying to change our mind.  And I'm not sure that an amatonormative society would recognize it a source of suffering... Sexual harasment is not always take seriously after all, so a romantic one...

I never think about it, also the word in not the same in French so it may be why I don't mind and think as it just as a status (aka not in couple).

5 hours ago, Mark said:

This trope appears throughout drama and fiction.

Yeah and this is very annoying. As if aro needed to be cured...

5 hours ago, Mark said:

I'm left wondering why squishes are talked about so much when they just arn't that common.

Well, I think that aros who felt it needed to talk about it, and as they get responses they thought it wa common? And that articles don't want to offense someone by not talking about it.

5 hours ago, Mark said:

It's similarly possible for someone to have a non-sexual crush on someone else and threat them poorly. Which might even be seen as more morally pure than a crush with concurrent sexual attraction. Which could be a possible complication with romantic harassment.

I'm not even sure that people would think it is a big deal. Harassment is always label as sexual. And I saw some feminists say things like street harassment (not sure of the term in English?) is bad because the person is only interesting in your body or in sex; which left me to wonder if they would feel it ok if they were aware that romantic attraction exists...

Attraction can't make you a good or a bad person. Feelings can't be bad, only behaviors are. If you are respectfull, there is nothing wrong with sexual relationships.

For squishes, as it is talks a lot it may seems most aros feel it but not really, we made a poll here that shows that it is not that common.

5 hours ago, Throwaway 12 said:

I felt weird about it because I constantly hear that being only sexually attracted to others is bad and if you are like that you a douche a fuckboy or a socio

You don't listen the good people. ?

More seriously it can be hard when you only feel sexual attraction because of all these movies that tell you it is (yeah, I've seen a lot of romantic movies where the guy is supposed to have a bad behavior because his relationships are only sexual until he met the one girl who changes that... I hate the message in it, it is completely wrong, there is nothing wrong with sexual relationships). But believe me, there is nothing wrong with being only sexually attracted to people.

I answered.

18 hours ago, treepod said:

I have a tough time with defining things using words, oof. This is hard but here goes:

Thanks for your answer. I know it is hard to put words on things and feelings, but words and definitions are helping me a lot to understand concept.

Well, if you feel like you are aro you can identify like this. It doesn't mean you have to break up with your girlfirend if you are comfortable in your relationship and like it as it is! I think a minority of aros stil engaged in romantic relationships, in particular cupioromantics  (aro that still desire a romantic relationship).

Thanks for all your answers!

On 8/11/2019 at 6:54 PM, Mark said:

I think it's also useful to ask "What is the main difference between a QPR and a romantic relationship?".

Good idea, I thought the subject is more commonly discussed but I'll add it.

@Jot-Aro Kujo interesting point of view. I like also the idea of letting relations evolve normally. I remember a  discussion with someone about romantic relationship, it was more about cultural differences but it was me not understanding coded things in the escalator  (mainly the "I am in love" thing, and the need to categorize with words the relationship). For me relationship evolve naturally, and I don't think that wording is that important to make things official.

On 8/11/2019 at 3:50 PM, Star Lion said:

You’d be a lucky son of a gun if you got into a platonic partnership with your squish

Ok, but when you want a QPR, is it always with your squish, or can it be with someone else? 

If someone want a song in French for a change, there is Je serai (ta meilleure amie) from Lorie (translation : I will be (your best friend)). This singer is suppose to be for kids and I won't deny it, but this song still celebrates friendship. She says to her n'est friend that she'll always be there for her.

On 8/12/2019 at 4:40 PM, Cristal Gris said:

Some crush can be platonic, if you see them as such.

But then it's a squish no?

I won't use the word "crush" to talk about a non romantic attraction but I'm not an English native speaker. Anyway you can feel other types of attraction (sexual, sensual...) and still be aromantic.

11 hours ago, Sofitofi37 said:

I like weddings as a celebration and cause I get the opportunity to spend time with friends and relatives and make new one (both friends and relatives haha). My sister got married last year, it was fun and cool, no-one annoyed me with questions. I liked the preparation, helping to choose a dress, a bouquet, a cake. Btw, sorry for the offtopic, this thing was really helpful for me https://www.poptop.uk.com/blog/wedding-bouquet-ideas-what-to-choose/. So, I like all this fuss, but being a bride? No thanks.

Same. I like weddings, I like the dresses, the cakes, the familial reunion…. I don't want to marry, but I like this stuff.

6 hours ago, raavenb2619 said:

(And Beauty and the Beast is definitely the most arophobic)

I never think about it (Belle being one of my favorite princess) but yeah, the fact that the Beast can love romantically and someone reciprocate makes him dignified to be turn into a human again? And what if the Beast was aromantic?

The movie is now ruined for me.

So, we are discussing a lot about QPRS and squishes these days. And for what I read on different posts, some of us has difficulties to understand the difference between QPR and friendship, platonic and queerplatonic... And some of the definitions don't help (like the one that says it is more than friendship but less than romance... this is amatonormative and I don't see all this things on the same scale,  but as different things so...).

I think that what differs is the way people feel about their QPR, but not being in a QPR and not look in for it I can't be sure.

So here's my questions to those who have been in one or want to :

-what is the main difference between QPR and friendship?

-are QPR linked to squishes?

-when you have a squish, do you want a QPR or a platonic attraction (this one is because it seems that some people connect QPR and squishes, whereas some people don't)?

-how do you define QPR in your case, or how do you want it to be if you don't have one?

EDIT suggested by Mark : what is the main difference between a QPR and a romantic relationship?

10 hours ago, Holmbo said:

For me too. Especially since many people don't know what aromanticism is.

If I days this people think it will change later. Even if I have to explain aromanticism, at least I can present it as an attraction.

11 hours ago, Mark said:

I've also wondered if the "Aros don't (want to) date" meme is more aro ace than generally aro.

I don't think so. It may be because I am not american and I translate date into "rencard", but I see it as a romantic coded activity, so I don't think sexuality affects it.

5 hours ago, Mark said:

Though this would have been implied as "homo(sexual)", given Greek culture at the time also that The Symposium is all about eros. (Also male/female conjoined twins are so unusual that it's unlikely that the original legend would omit this.)

I searched; we are talking of the same thing it seems. In his texte Plato said that originally there were 3 types of humans : male, female, androgyne (with a half female and a half male). So he talked about hetero and homo relationship. At end he talks about heterosexual and sexe between men,  but omitted sex between women; but I can't say I'm surprised.

If you speak French, here is the link to Plato's text. 

https://www.philolog.fr/le-mythe-de-landrogyne-texte-de-platon/

I don't really have a solution, as I would do the same thing if I was out to everyone. Maybe say something like "I don't want to date as I am aro and can't reciprocate"?

6 hours ago, raavenb2619 said:

I’ve run up against this drawback myself when friends are confused by how I could like a romance webcomic.

For me it is a different problem here : the idea that because you are aro you have to be romance repulsed or dismiking everything about romance. You don't want romance for yourself but you can enjoy it in fiction. Just like you don't want to commit a murder but can enjoy murder in fiction.

1 hour ago, Mark said:

How did "people" become "person"? Where did idea of it being important to specifically seek that individual over the rest of humanity come from? Ditto for the notion of fractional (half) people.

To stay with the reincarnation theory,  in fact it describes two kind of soulmates that people confused : the one I was talking about, and the popular vision of soulmate.

Also there is the idea that we are not complete for a very long time. I think this is Plato who said that originally humans were double, and the get divided? And somewhere there is the other half? I don't know the English terms for this theory sorry.

Anyway I have trouble to understand the idea that we are not whole when we are alone.

6 hours ago, treepod said:

Next, since the new season three of Stranger Things, there seems to be a bunch of people anxious to know whether Will might be gay.

I also see people say that he may not be interesting in relationships right now, but will be in the future.

Honestly I don't particurly assume that characters are aro, but if Will isn't I will be so disappointed. His arc like season was really one of an aro. All hus character is screaming "I am aromantic" so hard, if he is not I will be disguted.

And about visibility, I posted a comment on YouTube about him being aro, and an idiot answer that aromanticism doesn't exist. So yeah it would be cool to have an aro character in such a popular show.

6 hours ago, treepod said:

 I don't actually know because I've tried to stay as far away from Riverdale as possible. But so much for educating pop culture on an aro/ace narrative...

Don't mention Riverdale or you won't stop me and my anger lol. There is just so much to say about it.

1. The fact that it is praised as a good show for LGBT people after having be so direspectful for aro and aces. Of course you don't need to have an aro or an ace character in a show to be a good LGBT show. But when their is a character that has been declared officially asexual (meaning aroace in this case I think, considering the character and the lack of information), and that people change this just so he can date Betty?  This is an insult to us and to asexuals. And let's be honest : if they has done that with a bi or homo characters, the show would have been boycotted. But aro or ace? Nobody cares and this is unfair.  And the worst is that even the actor playing Jughead wanting him to be a-spec, he did researches and all about it, and the producers ig ore it because they thought Jug and Betty was cute together.

2. People saying things like "Jughead was gay in canon, because at this time to portray a gay character you had to portray him with a lack of interest in girls". Hello? How do you portray an aro ace character without a lack of interest in relationships? Plus it is official that he is asexual since 2015. I understand that people can be sad if they think about it as gay, but saying this like that is so aphobic : they say that as if they made him ace just to be cool or whatever, and ignore all the signe that he was aro and ace from the begining.

3. Some asexuals saying "asexuals can fall in love too"! Of course they can, but we all know that Jughead was also aro. And I don't like how they say it as if their orientation matter,  but not aromanticism.

(I told you, don't let me started on Riverdale lol; fortunately the show became such a non sense that I feel glad to not watch it)

About shipping a QPR, I understood a posteriori that watching the Originals, I was shipping Cami and Klaus as a QPR. Well not exactly, but I remember that I like their relationship the way it was, and that I didn't wanted them to date (or maybe at the end of the show when I won't watch lol). I thought that them kissing would mean the end of their relationship, not the begining. They really had a strong platonic thing, and for me romance would destroyer what they had. Of course I didn't understand d why the fantôme didn't share my opinion, as I didn't know about aromanticism at that time.

6 hours ago, treepod said:

Anyone else get really disappointed when a character you related to as possibly aro turns out not to be, or fandom for the character ships them relentlessly?

As I know aromanticism is not well known,  I don't expect characters to be aro, instead of really obvious case like Will to mention (I will be very disappointed if he is not aro in the end), or Riverdale because they change his identity.

Interesting topic.

I said many times here that QPR can be presented as amatonormative in some way. The concept in itself isn't hurtful, but sometimes the way it is presented is, for the reasons you said.

6 hours ago, Cristal Gris said:

I feel like sometime , we present QPR's as "more than friends".

I also saw it defined as "more than friendship but less than romantic relationship". For some reason people tend to put a hierarchy on everything.

6 hours ago, Cristal Gris said:

We yell at allo aces for saying "we can love too" but… some aros are doing exactly the same thing. (not just for QPR's i noticed. Can be friendship or familly.  We put someone's value in how and how much they can love  and i am not sure i like it )

This is true. I think someone talked about it on another topic. I never thought about it before, but yeah, this is harmful because it will always create another norm. Even when don't talk about QPRs,  we talk a lot about how we love our friends for instance. Less about how we love our familly however, that's sad for our siblings lol. I think I can get why : relationships are seen as important by society. As we can't have the romantic relationship, we put the light on other type of relationships. Maybe instead of select one type, we should focus on celebrate the diversity of relationships, or that enjoying loneliness doesn't mean you are not human? 

Also, we can remember that happiness can be based on other things but a relationship. Like loving one's job, having passion, or anything else that you can think of.

6 hours ago, Cristal Gris said:

but i heard some aros  say that sometime, friendship and QPR can overlap. To be honnest , i sometime have trouble seeing the difference between the two, but that's just my two cents as someone who never had a QPP. So i would like to ask peoples who know more about them. 

I think the feeling is different, but I never have a QPP so...

I remember, while I was trying to explain the concept to some aro people, they understood is as a bromance, or as famille relationships. I probably didn't explain well anyway, in particular because I was explaining it while talking about two characters of my story (on a forum someone saw them as romantic, so I had to explain they weren't).

6 hours ago, Cristal Gris said:

And of course, i heard some "well, we can still be in a relationship ! It don't have to be romantic ! "

Some peoples call them their "platonic soulmate" . I don't like that soulmates thing, and i know a lot of aros don't either. I am not too angry about it, but i am not sur i am 100% comfortable with that word. I just saw someone say " soulmates can be platonic ! don't exclude us ! " and like.. please no...

I have nothing against the concept of soulmates... if it is not use to mean "the one" or "there is someone for everyone in this world".

For what I read, the soulmate concept come from reincarnation theories. The idea is that souls reincarnate into groups. The members of your groups are your soulmates. They are not only one person, and it can be any kind of relationship. Someone who was your father in a previous life can be reincarnated as a friend or a teacher in this life for instance. It is also possible to reincarnate alone, and in this case our soulmates won't be there in our present life.

Now, I like this on a philosiphical level, because it can be any relationship; not only romantic or queerplatonic. It even think of the absence of soulmates. And it's true that there are people with whom I feel better, or that I befriended quickly. I don't think it is harmful to talk of platonic soulmates in that sense. But when it became synonyme of "unique partner that is wait in for you because this is fate"... well, I don't really like it.

7 hours ago, TripleA said:

Alloaromantic? What? You Aro or Allo?

I think it was for aromantic allosexual?

Now, I don't really have squishes so I can say what's normal or not, but I see squishes as an attraction. So it seems logical that as sexual or romantic attractions, it is oriented. And as sexual and romantic attraction can differ, it seems logical too that your platonic attraction is not necessarily oriented the same way as your sexual attraction.

But this is just my understanding. Maybe aros with squishes can be more useful for you.