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What on earth does romance have to do with maturity?!?!?


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It all started with some myths:

 

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Aromantic sexuals are just emotionally immature

Aromantic sexuals are just scared of commitment

Aromantic sexuals will eventually change their minds and settle down

Aromantic sexuals will die alone and unfulfilled

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Seriously? Settling down is not about hearts, flowers, butterflies, roses and fire, and being "over the moon". Commitment and maturity have absolutely NOTHING to do with romance. What about that category of alloromantic people who have a relationship which is healthy form every point of view (respect, communication, understanding, compromise on both sides, mutual support, goal compatibility, etc.) but they choose to toss it all in the trash because "they miss those sweet and rosy, crazy, fairy-tale feelings".  "S/he doesn't tell me s/he loves me 15 times a day, s/he forgot about our anniversary, what a tragedy, I never want to see him/her again!". I know a woman who dumped her partner whom she'd been in a relationship with for 4 years just because he forgot to bring her flowers for the 1st of March. She would complain to my mum (her work colleague) that "he didn't bring her stuffed animals as gifts, and doesn't tell her "I love you", etc). Really, b*tch? This is what shallow means. But nooo, no one wants to see that. They don't want to feel free and respected, noo, they don't care they're treated like shit so long as they're in love, because they go like "but I loooove, him/her, don't you know how s/he makes me feel? I feel on cloud nine, we still have this". Who's the immature one now?

 

Aromantic only means your kind of love is like a wall which is risen patiently in time, without the sparks and flames aka romantic attraction ever existing. Simple as that. So what is so invalid about a long-term/lifetime relationship with that "romantic fairytale-like passion" thing being off the bloody list? 

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@Ice Queen Makes sense to me. Did it feel good to write that? Cathartic?! :P

 

The polyamarous community invented a term for what you're talking about here - "New Relationship Energy (NRE) addiction". It's something a lot of allo-romantics seen to suffer from!

Quoting from the article I linked:

Quote

This brings up the subject of NRE addiction. Some people have a tendency to give up on a relationship once the heady buzz (sexual and emotional) wears off, and look for a fresh one to get off on. This may even be a form of addiction, if it becomes an unconscious motivational short circuit driving the person to places they don't really want to go, running their life in a way that serves them badly. The highs are great, but the lows when yet another perfect partner bites the dust take their toll, and it may become harder and harder to open up and enjoy the buzz - a form of habituation. As with other addictions, the first step in such a case is to name and own the addiction, expose its real dynamics to the light of clear vision. When dealing with mixed results like this, it's important to Pay Attention to the Residues. Addiction often operates by numbing one out to the cost side of the equation, the residues after the binge - which the addict copes with by seeking the distraction of anther fix.

 

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Sometimes when I start to doubt that I'm really aro, it helps to read stuff like this... or really, anything about how "normal" romantic people behave... so, yeah, I'm definitely still aro. Thanks for the reminder. :rofl:

 

1 hour ago, Ice Queen said:

Aromantic only means your kind of love is like a wall which is risen patiently in time, without the sparks and flames aka romantic attraction ever existing. Simple as that. So what is so invalid about a long-term/lifetime relationship with that "romantic fairytale-like passion" thing being off the bloody list? 

I like this. :)

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4 minutes ago, SoulWolf said:

Sometimes when I start to doubt that I'm really aro, it helps to read stuff like this... or really, anything about how "normal" romantic people behave... so, yeah, I'm definitely still aro. Thanks for the reminder. :rofl:

 

Anytime xD.

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@Ice Queen lol, I love every single word of your post.

On 5/4/2017 at 7:29 PM, Ice Queen said:

I know a woman who dumped her partner whom she'd been in a relationship with for 4 years just because he forgot to bring her flowers for the 1st of March. She would complain to my mum (her work colleague) that "he didn't bring her stuffed animals as gifts, and doesn't tell her "I love you", etc).

How old is this woman? Please don't tell me she's over 30... :D

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I agree with you wholeheartedly... maturity, to me, isn't anything to do with love or romance - I consider myself mature because I have a job, I can pay my own expenses and I try to sort my own problems out or get help when I can't - I take as much responsibility for my own life as I can. Thus far, most of the relationships I've attempted have just had an overall negative effect on me and actually made me feel sick in some cases, so I feel it's more responsible (aka emotionally mature) to recognise that I'm happier going it alone, and not go out of my way to make myself suffer for some dubious reward (aka dating). 

Plus the myths in your first post (in no particular order, and I agree they're BS lol) -

1. Why is being alone/not committing to a life partner considered such an awful thing? Long term commitment just doesn't suit everyone, period, regardless of orientation. As for dying alone... doesn't everyone anyway? What about older couples, where one dies, or gets too sick to live at home anymore and has to be looked after professionally, and the other lives their own life for several years after, never remarrying? I've also seen on a knitting forum I'm on, plenty of the older ladies have divorced from their husbands for various reasons and seem happier for it as well.

2. Fulfillment is subjective and different for everyone; I don't think it's healthy to depend on a relationship to bring you that.

3. There's a difference between being scared of having something and just not desiring it on some fundamental level.

4. "Settling down" with someone else isn't some kind of inevitability. Sure, it's encouraged but doesn't have to be the end goal for everyone.

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On 04/05/2017 at 6:29 PM, Ice Queen said:

Aromantic sexuals will die alone and unfulfilled

Surely they'll have lots of sex with people? I hear nursing homes are actually quite an active dating/sex scene :aropride:

 

As and Ace/Aro with the same stigma, may I just say I intend to have allot of cats. Like, allot

 

On 06/05/2017 at 8:04 PM, Dodecahedron314 said:

Being an aro makes me immature and not a "real adult"? Cool, not being an adult means I don't have to pay taxes, right? :P

 

All we need now is some Aro politian to get into power and instate relationship tax :evilgrin: *evil laugh*

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On 5/11/2017 at 1:08 PM, SamwiseLovesLife said:

All we need now is some Aro politian to get into power and instate relationship tax :evilgrin: *evil laugh*

 

Either that or found an aros-only 'seastead' :rofl:

 

Or there is the aro Mars colonisation project that was proposed by @Ice Queen in another thread. To Mars! We shall plant the green flag in her red soil! :aropride:

 

 

(whoops, I'm probably not helping the whole "aros aren't immature" argument now O.o)

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16 hours ago, NullVector said:

(whoops, I'm probably not helping the whole "aros aren't immature" argument now O.o)

I'm pretty sure we're just geniuses because our minds aren't filled with all of that romantic garbage **sassy finger click**

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On 5/13/2017 at 0:27 AM, NullVector said:

 

Either that or found an aros-only 'seastead' :rofl:

 

Or there is the aro Mars colonisation project that was proposed by @Ice Queen in another thread. To Mars! We shall plant the green flag in her red soil! :aropride:

 

 

(whoops, I'm probably not helping the whole "aros aren't immature" argument now O.o)

YES. Put me in a supply ship with terraforming equipment and provisions and send me up there, we're doing this, we're making this happen. I solemnly swear to Mark Watney the frick out of this planet to create a new homeworld for my aro brethren.

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On 06/05/2017 at 4:53 PM, Untamed Heart said:

1. Why is being alone/not committing to a life partner considered such an awful thing? Long term commitment just doesn't suit everyone, period, regardless of orientation.

Why it "commitment" only seen as important when it's to some kind of "life partner" concept?
 

On 06/05/2017 at 4:53 PM, Untamed Heart said:

4. "Settling down" with someone else isn't some kind of inevitability. Sure, it's encouraged but doesn't have to be the end goal for everyone.

How is this "mature", except through a process of circular reasoning?
 

On 06/05/2017 at 8:04 PM, Dodecahedron314 said:

Being an aro makes me immature and not a "real adult"? Cool, not being an adult means I don't have to pay taxes, right? :P

Or you could turn it on it's head and declare that large corporations (and the super rich) are immature.

 

On 11/05/2017 at 1:08 PM, SamwiseLovesLife said:

All we need now is some Aro politian to get into power and instate relationship tax :evilgrin: *evil laugh*

Or tax system which does not discriminate on relationship/marital status. Which would eliminate the many tax perks currently available to the married.

 

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