DeltaAro Posted April 26, 2017 Share Posted April 26, 2017 Does aromanticism impact male sexual desire? And how does it influence acting on those desires? I'm going to start with a reply to @NullVector's post in the thread “Female sexual desire?” where it was off-topic (but I will still stray into off-topic territory again, yet not that blatantly ): On 4/23/2017 at 9:32 PM, NullVector said: I also don't get whatever the romantic equivalent of sexual frustration is. Like, at all. Some people just struck me as incapable of being single for more than five minutes, but this never bothered me. I seemed to be more-or-less content with it, at least compared to their clawing at the walls to get a new boyfriend/girlfriend! Yes, “lovesickness” includes this. And it definitely does exist and is common. I know IRL guys who become depressed because of it, like it's the worst thing ever and their life has no meaning without romance. I don't feel a thing. And it's totally different for me with pure loneliness. At some point I really, really feel that. On 4/23/2017 at 9:32 PM, NullVector said: I too have considered trying 1. in light of my recent discoveries about aromantic identities, but not really sure how to go about it. Any ideas? When you say "relevant online communities" what sorts of places are you talking about? Arocalypse, for example? Or, could you 'subvert' the online dating process, writing an online dating profile 'marketed' at aro-spec women? (I've wondered about these sorts of tactics; but like you, I'm too lazy to actually try and put them into practice! ) Since I haven't tried it out yet, and I just engaged in lurking, I hesitate to give you any tips. I surely don't want to hit on Arocalypse members here! And they're probably thousands of miles away, anyway. Using a normal dating platform works, though it's sub-optimal. If you write something like “dating but nothing serious” a lot will interpret it as meaning “basically looking for casual sex” in online-dating speech. Still, I heard some people thinking that's some sort of playing hard to get. Though, since sex doesn't give me any long-term happiness (there's nothing in it for me than a short “high”) don't wait for me to overcome my laziness. On 4/23/2017 at 9:32 PM, NullVector said: I 100% thought that was me, until fairly recently. Then reading about aromantic identities made me question it - but not really come off the fence firmly one side or the other (hence joining this site with a profile that was essentially a question mark, lol). I was hoping conversations on here would help resolve some of the confusion and, in a way, they have. I can relate to some quite specific experiences cited by the people on this site, making me think I am quite possibly aromantic. I'm at the very least leaning more and more towards there being 'something else' going on with me I thought this for a long, long time or maybe even worse things. One of the strong hints that it's aromanticism (aside from the obvious ones: no crushes, no real desire for a romantic relationships etc.) and not being dating-challenged is that it doesn't become better despite successes. This is usually not the case for most anxieties people have. Sadly you don't have any such experiences. None of my romantic “successes” made anything better, instead I always felt horribly guilty because I obviously hurt other people and it felt like the greatest thing in the world was being wasted on me. Also I really wondered if some the stuff hurled at me like “cold-hearted psychopath” was actually true? I developed an active repulsion to romance gradually and relatively late. Before, romance seemed just strange, silly and boring (yes all of this is possible. Think of dodecaphony ). My last fling was the worst and made me give up any further attempts. Nobody told me that 23-year-olds would still be so childish and clingy and would very openly express their love (or infatuation?) and expect you to reciprocate it. The hints were already there when I was like 15: I did not understand the ridiculously silly romantic behavior of my classmates, but then I thought this was just their youth and they took a bit longer to mature than me. On 4/23/2017 at 9:32 PM, NullVector said: I'm at the very least leaning more and more towards there being 'something else' going on with me - beyond just a general awkwardness and anxiety around new people compounded by the presence of sexual attraction (which is undeniably a thing for me, lol. Just not enough to account fully, or even mostly, I suspect now, for my lack of romantic/sexual relationships) My romantic experiences made me awkward in general, because it lead to a lot of self-hate. Also romance-repulsion feels like a very awkward thing to me, I may seem very open about it here, but I sometimes think that's just psycho. But I didn't start that way, so this isn't the reason for me to not be able to avoid getting always dumped. Also, I don't experience sexual attraction out of the blue in neutral situations regularly, something a bit special has to happen. But this doesn't help me at all. To the contrary, sexual attraction is the magic wand for me: It brings heavily romantic stuff (endless tongue-wrestling) suddenly into okay-territory, it gives reciprocating this stuff a certain naturalness that I can't convincingly emulate by just forcing myself. But I'm repeating myself. And it's not like in the non-aroused state I'm cold or robot-like, not at all, I can easily be very emotionally close, I love cuddling etc. since all this is friendly not romantic. Still, that's not enough... Probably you're just too self-conscious about your sexual attraction. I think that it is (if it's not extremely strong) usually more easy to hide than romantic attraction. If you don't look like a glassy-eyed Pervy McPerv, who would notice? And many women will assume you're sexually attracted to them even if you aren't, anyway. On 4/23/2017 at 9:32 PM, NullVector said: I've always had issues with aspects of conventional masculinity / expressions of male sexual desire. Stuff like lewd comments and 'marks out of 10' I just found really gross when my male friends did it and it's not the sort of thing I've ever done (or would do) Yes, I also have issues with this. But this behavior is also mostly associated with guys who only want sex. I can't come up with a single example of a man in fiction who just wants to have sex and is not either a player or sleazeball. Often it adds another insult that the special ~GIRL~ appears to the player, he falls in love, she cures him of his affliction and suddenly his life is fixed! On 4/23/2017 at 9:32 PM, NullVector said: But yeah, I didn't think you were really 'supposed to' want sex without the 'ennobling' aspects of romance to go along with it. So I wasn't really prepared to admit to myself that I wanted sex but not so much all the other stuff! Plus, I grew up in a conventional 'nuclear family' structure with long-term happily-married monogamous parents and that just seemed to me like the 'proper' way to go about these things. So admitting to myself that maybe I wanted something pretty different to that was difficult*. If everybody had communicated to me that it was completely fine to just want to have sex, rather than doing the exact opposite, I think that I would be far more normal today. On 4/23/2017 at 9:32 PM, NullVector said: Although I wouldn't be interested in 'just sex' - in the sense that I'd have to like anyone I had sex with as a person, find them interesting, consider them a friend, and so on. Would you say the same thing? Friendship + sex sure sounds far nicer than a mutual sex-delivery contract with nothing else (well, decency and respect of course) – in theory. But aside from finding an aromantic woman, you have a slim chance to get it both from one person without it becoming romantic. To understand this, watch “Zack and Miri Make a Porno”. It is a cringe-worthily bad movie (scatological humor included), but it's THE aromantic logic bomb. So in this sense, it's perfect. On 4/23/2017 at 9:32 PM, NullVector said: I mean, friendship and intellectual challenge is also something you can get from guys too - I guess that is what you meant by 'woman qua woman'? Yes that's what I meant, a very different statement than something horrible like “women are only good for sex”. Also this was a bit of a humorous exaggeration, because there's still one important gender difference left (for me more important than the fact that I find women sexually attractive but not men). But this difference is in my opinion wholly a result of cultural norms. There's the problem at least in Western culture, that men have a very, very serious problem to be emotionally open, it takes a damn long time and a lot of work to soften them up. So in a very strange way my happiness is nearly dependent on women. Normally this would be no problem, a commandment like “Thou shalt only be emotionally close to people with XX chromosomes” would be just a nuisance, because there are 3.5 billion of 'em around. But with this it does not end. Sadistically, friendships to women are extremely devalued, which I absolutely hate, hate, hate, hate. There's just the suspicion lingering around that deep down you just really want to have sex or are secretly pining about her. You're just the loser, who under the guise of friendship secretly hopes for it. And then boyfriends get jealous yadda yadda yadda. I can't say that I don't like sex or that I would never experience sexual attraction to a female friend, but it would be only sporadic and mostly fleeting (!), and sex isn't even remotely number one on my priority list in life. Also, what about bisexuals... are all of their friendships just impure and not real because they are potentially tainted by sexual attraction? On 4/23/2017 at 9:32 PM, NullVector said: * The following analogy has recently occurred to me. I'm somebody who really likes books. Now, imagine you told me that I had to pick just one book to read, for the rest of my life. No doubt I'd pick a really good book, one that I'd enjoy reading many times. I'd come to have a very deep understanding of that book and an appreciation for every aspect of what makes it great. Maybe far more so than if I'd spent my time reading a lot of different books instead. But after a while, wouldn't it get a little, I dunno, boring. There'd be so many other perspectives I'd be missing out on! Monogamy starts to seem a bit like that to me these days. I mean, it's not like we're only allowed one friend! Although I'm well aware that everything I just wrote is, for me, entirely hypothetical! I wouldn't have the slightest problem to live monogamously, I don't think it would become boring for me. Sure, I don't see any point in it, it seems like a completely arbitrary rule. It's because allo-romantics feel jealousy, and it causes them to go batshit insane, something which I'm totally, absolutely incapable to understand and strikes me as completely alien. I also don't understand the hate people in open relationships get, they seem perfectly fine to me. But if I would make this promise to live monogamously to my friend I certainly would keep it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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