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Always changing my mind about going to therapy


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Heyy people !!

So yeah, let's get into it. Things started to get not so good about my mental health maybe 1.5 years ago. At first, I was like yeah that's okay it will pass. But it didn't really pass, it was just kind of an oscillation between ok-but-kinda-neutral moments and terrible ones. Some moments were really bad, and during those moments I thought that I really needed to maybe seek professional help, but it was always a time when I couldn't start the process (I had to move quite a lot, had an internship in between, didn't have a lot of energy and motivation to start, I was quite afraid etc). 

And so right now, I'm in an ok phase. During those times back then, I used to always think "oh cool I'm doing better, this time it will stay for sure, no need for therapy then". Haha lol, I'm optimistic. This time is actually the first time that I seriously consider the possibility that "the bad brain" might come back. So a part of my brain is like "we should go to therapy, we never know" and the other part is like "haha no we're good". I know the most rational thing would be to start the process, especially because even if I feel ok, there are a looot of issues that are unresolved, I just manage not to think about them too much right now but they're not gone. But at the same time, I don't want to go and then having to talk about all the things I don't want to think about. Or go there in front of the therapist and say "well actually I'm ok, not sure if I need you right now". 

But at the same time, even if I'm ok now, it's strange because I don't really feel there, everything is quite empty. And also the thought of some things or situations used to make me feel bad just some weeks ago, but now when I think about them I don't feel anything, like everything I think about is absolutely neutral most of the time. And even if it feels "good" compared to how my brain used to feel in the bad moments, maybe be it's a bit not normal. And also I can't fall asleep.

So I'm like yeaaah maybe I should go now, but at the same time I'm not sure I need it. Some months ago I was really really sure about the fact I should try therapy, but now I'm lost between the two sides. I don't know if I need motivation, or if I need to be convinced about the fact that I actually do need therapy even if I don't feel like it. And I'm afraid to go there and feel bad again (because it will maybe dig up some things), so maybe I should go when I'm not good, so that it makes me feel better instead of worse. But at the same time if/when I feel bad again, maybe I will not be able to have enough motivation energy time etc. to start. Aaaaaa I don't know. 

I don't even know if I have a question to ask you guys haha, just a bit of venting and also if some of you have something to say or to share, that might be very helpful 

Thank you for reading this far (and sorry for writing this much) <3

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I relate to oscillating between wanting to speak with a therapist and thinking that I'm fine going without.  But I think that mental health is like physical health in the sense that you'd benefit from regular check-ups.  Even if you're doing okay right now, I think that it would be a smart idea to use your current situation to your advantage and better prepare in case things get difficult again.  If you have the time and the resources to speak to a therapist now, even if you're not currently at your lowest, you might still learn tools that will help you in the future, and you will be taking a proactive stance to bolster your mental health.  I say go for it! :)

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I relate to the feeling of going back and forth between going to therapy. I had seen numerous therapists growing up and they never seemed to help, so I was a bit skeptical. I have now been seeing my therapist for almost 3 years. I have come to learn it's their job to help you reach the goals you set. With each goal I have set there are always both immediate things to work on and some planning or preparing to give you tools for the future.  It sounds like you might have a goal of being able to handle your lows better. All things to say if you feel like you would benefit from going, there is no harm in going and giving it a try. You might end of trying out a few to find one you like. 

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I relate to the back and fourth of should I go and do I need to go. I haven’t ever been to therapy but that is because there is not access to one for me. 

If it is possible for you to go I think it would ultimately help you in the long run. But it is likely that it will take time to find the right therapist for you. 

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You don't need to wait until you are at your worst before seeking help. You deserve support at any point, and seeking help now might keep you from hitting your lowest again. Even if you don't have a specific issue at the moment, it is definitely worth telling a therapist that you are having re-occuring mental health concerns. There may actually be a pattern or triggers that are bringing on those problems, and a therapist could help you find those patterns and break them.

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