Ghostflower

It's not a silly question! I agree with Jot-Aro Kujo :) You can do whatever you want forever, and while I don't have experience with the type of polyamory that you're describing, I'm sure that many people out there do! 🌟

I've had dreams in which I've been sexually attracted to people, which is wild, because I am incredibly asexual in real life. Oftentimes, in my dreams, I am "playing" a different character, and I imagine that my brain is just getting into some serious roleplay based on stories I've read and how I imagine sexual attraction might feel. So I don't think that being sexually attracted to a girl in your dreams is a sign that you're sexually attracted to women in the waking world. It could be, but it doesn't have to be. Honestly, I've had similar thoughts as you, in terms of thinking, "Well, if I HAD to pick, women look nicer than men, and I tend to feel more comfortable around them." And I suppose that you could always try dating, to see if it makes you happy. But to me, it sounds like we're in the same boat of wanting non-romantic, non-sexual relationships with women. You can always date someone and choose not to kiss them, but perhaps a platonic or a queerplatonic relationship would fill out all of your criteria, without as much fuss over what that type of relationship is "supposed" to entail (since QPRs are all about crafting the unconventional dynamic that's best for you). Something to consider, which I do not have an answer for myself: Do some people gender their platonic, queerplatonic, or alterous attraction? For example, do some folks only want to be in QPRs with women? That might also describe your feelings/attraction. But in the end, I would encourage you to focus on what actions and relationships would make you happy, rather than getting too bogged down by labels or whether a type of experience "exists." (Also, I love that you described this as one of your monthly identity crises. Mood, honestly!)

Yes, I can relate to this! I identified as panromantic for years before I considered the label aromantic, and I also resonate very strongly with the label WTFromantic (also known as quoiromantic). Attraction is confusing, and I've long been torn between thinking that I experience either all of it or none of it. Right now, I think that I experience no romantic attraction at all, but I would still be happy to be in a non-romantic committed partnership with someone, regardless of their gender. I still feel a bit torn between the labels "pan" and "aro," to be honest. It might be accurate to say that I'm aromantic but pan-oriented? Or maybe I'm just not oriented at all, because the "direction," so to speak, of my attraction doesn't matter much to me. I don't even know what kind of attraction I'm experiencing in the first place, and what if it's not attraction at all, but a desire for a certain outcome (being in a committed partnership)? I'm not even sure what being attracted to someone feels like; I just meet people and grow close to them because of proximity, natural affinity, and efforts to maintain and cultivate the relationship. So, yes: I am also distraught by romantic labels but ultimately considering not using them at all. For now, "aroace" may be enough to satisfy me. What is romantic attraction? I have no idea! But aromanticism is what resonates with me right now, so aromanticism it shall be!

Ghostflower is the name of my Warrior cat-sona C: I had a lot of fun designing them, because I could embrace being aroace by selecting the role in Warrior cats society that eschews romance by law (even if I disagree with that being codified and applied to all medicine cats). Ironically, my cat-themed icon is not Ghostflower, but a canon character from the main series: Feathertail, whose romance I dislike and who I strongly related to back in middle school :)

I’ve been trying to avoid romance in fiction lately, because it can make me sad, just like you described. It feels like being lactose intolerant but eating ice cream anyway; it only makes me happy in the short-term. I feel bad about myself afterward, because it reminds me that I stand apart from something that other people covet so highly and put on a pedestal. I think that it would be healthier for me to cut romance out of my life more decisively and to focus on finding examples of the kind of (romance-free) life that I want to live. That’s really interesting! I’ve never heard of Heartstopper Syndrome before :0 I actually have a lot of trouble enjoying Alice Oseman’s work, I think because so many people have hyped it up. Alice Oseman is an aroace author, and there are aroace characters in their stories, but it’s all too steeped in unattainable romance for my tastes. It’s like having to wade through a poisonous bog to get a small glimpse of a lovely aro frog :(

I'm curious to learn more about the types of partnerships that other aromantic folks desire and initiate. Would anyone here feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and experiences? Right now, I worry that I only have romantic models to emulate, when I'd like to see the existence of platonic partnerships and other non-romantic relationships that are just as committed as romantic ones. Here are a few broad questions to get the ball rolling: Is anyone here currently in a committed partnership, and if so, what is it like? Is your partner also aromantic? Have you ever been in a committed relationship with an alloromantic person, and if so, what was that like? How did you initiate these partnerships, and what sorts of guiding questions did you follow to keep things healthy and balanced? What are your thoughts on polyamory versus monogamy, and are monogamous relationships that avoid amatonormative ideals of finding "the one" possible, in your opinion? Lastly, how do you find a comfortable place in a society that doesn't readily accommodate for or acknowledge your existence? I understand that everyone's experiences will be different, so I'm not searching for any single, concrete answer here. I just hope that, by hearing about other people's thoughts and experiences, I will be able to form a better idea of what I want and how to achieve that. Thank you all so much in advance for taking the time to contribute to this discussion! C:

I relate to oscillating between wanting to speak with a therapist and thinking that I'm fine going without. But I think that mental health is like physical health in the sense that you'd benefit from regular check-ups. Even if you're doing okay right now, I think that it would be a smart idea to use your current situation to your advantage and better prepare in case things get difficult again. If you have the time and the resources to speak to a therapist now, even if you're not currently at your lowest, you might still learn tools that will help you in the future, and you will be taking a proactive stance to bolster your mental health. I say go for it! :)

I am not allo, but I assume that allosexuality and alloromanticism are just as wide of spectrums as asexuality and aromanticism. Hopefully somebody else can confirm this with their own experiences, but to me, I would imagine that kissing appeals to every allo person differently, as does the amount of affection that they're comfortable with. Kissing seems like just one way to act upon attraction, and I would nod along in understanding if an allo person drew the line there but was okay with other actions, even if they seem "more intensive" than kissing. Types of affection probably aren't hierarchical, where one is more serious than another; in my view, they're more like an array of foods where you might like some types more than others.

In my experience, it's easy to feel uncertain or guilty about adopting an identity if you're afraid that you're going to upset other people. For example, when I first thought that I might be autistic, I was afraid that my autistic friends would sneer at me and say that it was obvious that I wasn't. I didn't want to offend their identities with my own or to take the spotlight away from them. But with both aromanticism and autism, there is an infinite amount of space in the community. You won't be taking away any resources from the people who need them, and more often than not, people will be happy to welcome you into the fold. If they're not, and if they're rude or elitist in any way, then that's their problem, not yours. I'm not sure if this is part of your aromantic doubts or not, but it definitely was for me. So rest assured that you can belong to this community for as long as you want to, and you don't have to prove that you're aro in any way. I'm happy to have you here, and I believe that you are more than your doubts/fears! :)

I was a Warrior cats kid in middle school, yes! :D (And I recently caught up to Wings of Fire. It's fantastic!! 😍) When I read books like "The Hunger Games" in sixth grade, I was baffled by my friends' emphasis on the love triangle and "choosing" which guy they liked best. I would retaliate by picking a non-romanceable option, like Buttercup the cat :P And exactly, I think that my anxiety and autism come into play when I interact with humans versus other animals. Not only do humans try to hit on you sometimes, but they also gender you in uncomfortable ways; it's much easier to be a trans person around a cat! 🥰 And if you hug a big dog? It results in much less chest dysphoria than if you hug another human (at least, in my experience)!

I got my first Animal Crossing game when I was about 10 years old (City Folk for the Wii), and I remember going to Shampoodle to get my hair done. One of the questions you get asked (to determine what hairstyle you will be given) is whether or not you have a "squish." At the time, I had no idea what this meant, and I was embarrassed by the way that Harriet (the hairdresser) brought it up, as though it were a gossip-worthy secret. I suspected that it was a euphemism of some sort, and when I found out that it meant having a crush on someone, I was even more flustered. Something about the word just felt gross to me, probably because it made me think of squishy goop and other unpleasant textures. Now that I know a bit more about how "squish" is used in aromantic circles today, I wonder if my experience with Animal Crossing over a decade ago has affected my current feelings. I can't decide if having a "squish" accurately describes the way that I feel for some of my friends, and I'd almost feel more comfortable calling what I experience a "platonic crush," although I realize that this is the working definition of "squish." What are other people's experiences with the term "squish"? Does anyone dislike it or use a different term, and if so, why? I know that adopting new terminology can require a transition period to get used to it, and I wonder if I'm averse to the term "squish" for logical reasons (i.e. it doesn't actually describe my experiences) or arbitrary ones (i.e. the word itself just squicks me out a bit). I would love to hear how this term does or does not resonate with the other folks here! :)

It is not just you! I have been known to cry while meeting dogs for the first time. Even seeing them from a distance can leave me feeling all choked up.

I'm the kind of person who often feels closer to non-human animals than to humans themselves. There are no social expectations to perform a certain way, and I have less reservations about being unabashedly myself when it's a dog or a cat I'm hanging out with. In fact, I've often prioritized my relationships with pets when making big decisions in life such as moving and staying close to home. Thinking about my life more critically and imagining what it might look like without romance, I keep circling back to how important animals are to me and how I could probably be happy raising pets rather than children and how I never want to lack for dogs and cats in my life. I was wondering if any other aros feel similarly. I don't need advice, but I would love to hear about other people's experiences and the joy that you can derive from such non-human dynamics! :) (No surprise that I have a cat icon and have recently begun delving into the genre of novel dedicated to relationships between cats/dogs and humans. "The Travelling Cat Chronicles" is everything to me.)

Yeah, I get feelings like those, too, sometimes. It's hard to figure out how rigorously I should question my own thoughts, like, "You don't really want them to break up, do you? You value your friend's happiness!" Sometimes I want to give myself the luxury of thinking a "rude" thought or two, though, you know? It's not going to hurt anyone to let myself wish things were "back to normal." Of course, I want to stay supportive of my alloromantic friends, but it's like that Lord of the Rings meme: "After all, why shouldn't I be a little petty in my own head?" So long as I don't let the thoughts spiral and negatively impact my actions, I'd imagine that acknowledging the extent of my pain and frustrations might actually help. Best of luck with this situation! You're not alone in feeling these things, and I hope that navigating these complex emotions becomes easier with time. :)

I think that's why this post is in the Romantic Allies and Partners section. If anyone can answer this question, it's them! <3 One thing that's been difficult for me is that a lot of my alloromantic friends don't have to think about their attraction all that much, since it comes so naturally to them and is seen as "the norm." I've asked a couple of people who seem willing to discuss aromanticism with me, and I haven't been able to glean much from those conversations besides "romance is very distinct." Unfortunately, that does not clear things up for me at all! T_T