Losing a close friend when they get into a romantic relationship

[Dobby]

Hey everyooone

I was wondering : has it ever happened to you to "lose" a friend because they got into a romantic relationship ?

About a year ago, the closest friend i ever had got into a relationship with someone, and from that point she started to be more distant. It was quite brutal to be honest, i could feel the change almost from one day to the next. So i started to wonder if she had replaced me with her partner. This thing happened to me once before this, with a close friend too, so i'm starting to think it might be "normal" ?

I understand very well that when you get into a relationship, you might have less time for your friends (because you're spending more time with the partner and there are only 24 hours in a day). But i can also understand very well the distinction between "less time" and "less interest".

She was my closest friend for years, we could share everything and i sincerely thought we were going to be friends for so many more years, if not for our whole life. We used to support each other a lot, like she wasn't at her best mentally, neither was i, so i was there for her always and i knew i could count on her when i was feeling low. But as soon as she got into this relationship, it was like i was sent to the backround of her life.

And honestly i don't understand that at all. Either you care about someone or you don't, but how being in a relationship can change that ? I was starting to wonder if she even cared about me in the first place, or was it because of her severe depression that she cliged to me, because she had no one else ? It felt like she was doing better so she didn't need me that much to distract herself from her dark thoughts, so she just abandonned me.

I couldn't find all these answers on my own so i just asked her, why and how did that happened. And she replied many things, many excuses, sometimes contradictory stuff. But she said things like "that's life, things change", and that she didn't replace me, that she still care about me a lot. But still i don't understand, like how ? How can nothing has changed for her towards me, but she still decided to drastically reduce my place in her life ? Is someone able to understand and explain that to me ?

And also, this only seems to be happening with the really close friend who i trust a lot and with whom i talk all the time and ask everything about their life. With other friendships, i don't feel any difference in behaviour, and i don't feel abandonned and left out and neglected. Anyway, we still talk but it's really different from what it was before, it's pretty much small talks and nothing deep. And even if at a point i wanted to cut her off completely because it was too painfull for me to carry this "friendship" on, i didn't and i suffered in silence because no one seemed to understand what i felt and to think this situation was "justified" to cut off a friend. And i asked, for her what happened is "normal" and "part of life", like sorry ?? Am i the only one to feel that way ?

 

Anyway, i'm very probably aromantic, so i wondered maybe it's why i don't understand. Because for me, nothing can compete with the kind of friendship we had, but apparently a romantic relationship can ?

I don't know. I don't even know if i want to make friends anymore. What i felt at the beginning, 1 year ago, was the closest to what i thought a "heartbreak" was, even if i never experienced it (from a romantic relationship anyway) before. I try not to care that much, but it's been a year and i still think about it everyday, i think i'm starting to get insane. But at least, the "i try not to care that much" strategy seems so be working and i'm not sure to care about anything at all anymore.

 

Sooo yeah, sorry that was very long (and sorry if there are mistakes, english is not my first language oupsi). Has anyone ever experienced this ? What can i do to make it feel better :')

 

Thank youuu if you took the time to read all of that ! It's mostly venting so i'm sorry for that (i had so many other things to say but i think i should avoid to write a book on this forum, even if people are really kind)

 

Thank youu <3

 

[Ikarus]

@Dobby This situation is fairly normal in the sense that people spend more time with their significant other.

Its also not unusual to have a friendship change tone after a romantic relationship. Im guessing its due to romance elevating a lover as the number one person in life.

Romantic partners are suppose to share all of their intimate feelings, and hardships together. Basically everything gets centered around the romance. 
 

If your friends relationship is struggling they might come to you for advice but otherwise I wouldn’t count on any deep talk about feelings. 
 

Sometimes after a couple is married and living together for a little while they can loosen up a little. Unless they have kids immediately. 
 

 

 

Edited July 3, 2023 by Ikarus

[Dobby]

14 hours ago, Ikarus said:

@Dobby This situation is fairly normal in the sense that people spend more time with their significant other.

Its also not unusual to have a friendship change tone after a romantic relationship. Im guessing its due to romance elevating a lover as the number one person in life.

Romantic partners are suppose to share all of their intimate feelings, and hardships together. Basically everything gets centered around the romance. 
 

If your friends relationship is struggling they might come to you for advice but otherwise I wouldn’t count on any deep talk about feelings. 
 

Sometimes after a couple is married and living together for a little while they can loosen up a little. Unless they have kids immediately. 
 

Thank you for your reply :')

It's a bit sad, i didn't think it was that common... Well. Thank you <3

[Ghostflower]

I had a similar experience several years ago.  At the time, I didn’t identify as aromantic, and I was absolutely crushed when my best friend from high school met someone they wanted to date soon after they moved away for college.  We had discussed dating before and decided that “the person you date should ideally be your best friend.” I was scared, because I thought that I could no longer be my best friend’s best friend if they had suddenly gained a romantic partner.  They promised me our relationship wouldn’t change, but…

On several occasions, they canceled plans with me to accommodate the last-minute decisions of their romantic partner, once during one of the rare times when we were in the same city again and they had promised that things would be like they were in high school (just us hanging out and having fun at a sleepover). Then, when they realized how adversely these changes were impacting me, they began acting cagey about sharing details about their romantic relationship with me.  I stopped them once from telling me the details of a date they went on (which involved romance and a kiss), but then I didn’t get the memo that they had moved in with their romantic partner until I repeatedly pressed them for information. (“Are you still living with X?” “No.” “Okay, who are you living with, then?” “Someone else.” “Oh, who?” “A friend.” “Can you tell me their name?” etc)

It’s been several years since that drama unfolded now, and we are tentatively rebuilding our friendship, although I’m always a little bit sad thinking about what we lost.  What helped me was a combination of the following: 

1) Adjusting my expectations.  I was so caught up in being their #1, of having “my person” and being someone else’s “person.” I stopped using the term “best friend” soon afterwards, because I felt that it placed too much pressure on a relationship, and while I value commitment and would still be interested in finding a partner, I needed some time to forcibly pry myself away from that ideal.  I worry that it’s steeped in amatonormativity, where I have this fear that everyone will pair off into a romantic relationship but me, so I really ought to find a person who will commit to me soon.  I also pulled away from that friend about a year into their romantic relationship, because like you said, it was painful constantly feeling like I was valued beneath a romance. 

2) Exploring the label aromantic.  I already identified as ace at that point, but I thought that my desire for closeness meant I must be alloromantic.  Still, looking back, I think that my “crush” on my best friend was actually jealousy that I would lose them if my feelings weren’t romantic enough.  Even people who know about amatonormativity and care about their friends have trouble resisting the allure of that relationship hierarchy.  I think that even I, based on everything I’ve been taught to value, would be incredibly relieved to have “the” relationship that so many people covet.  It’s treated like a necessary piece of a happy life, and I still need to convince my brain that this equivalency is false and that romance doesn’t always lead to happiness. 

3) Time apart.  After a couple of years had passed, my intense feelings towards this person faded, and I was no longer so hurt by being “left behind.”  In retrospect, I do think that I pulled away and held back my feelings on purpose, letting myself become more apathetic, and I feel guilty about that.  I wonder if I should have held on to the friendship a little harder, because now I think that it must have been hard from my best friend’s perspective, and I worry that they’ve fallen into a romance where they have very few outside relationships to take solace in.  But this was an important step for me to take at the time, to give myself the distance to prioritize other friendships and not be so stressed out about what my old friend was up to in another city.  It also gave me the opportunity to question my identity, and although I’m still far from having everything figured out, having the term aromantic helped me understand my reaction to that situation, and knowing more about amatonormativity gave context to both my actions and those of my friend. 

All this to say: I relate a lot to what you’re going through, and it sucks.  But it does get easier, or at least, it did in my experience.  It took months, but I managed to shift my focus to other aspects of my life and to cultivate the relationships that were actively making me happy.  That friend and I never cut things off completely, but I did take some time for myself, and it allowed me to be more accepting of their romance and less defensive of my feelings when we reconnected a few years later.

[Holmbo]

That sucks but unfortunately it's fairly common. I suppose most people only want one really intimate relationship in their life. When they don't have a romantic partner that relationship can be a friend but as soon as that changes the friend takes a back seat and the partner is the one they confide in.

If you feel hesitant to make intimate friendships again I'd advice you to try with people who have non traditional values about relationships. Look for relationship anarchist, polyamourus, and of course other aromantics. Maybe also queer people in general, but that can depend on the context.

[Lieden]

I relate so much to this... a lot of these things have happened exactly to me... the growing distant, less profound interactions, them thinking that everything is fine and the same. But as it's basically been said... friendships tend to take a way lower priority once a romantic relationship comes into the picture... I wish I could offer advice... but I'm struggling with the same thing. The most I can do is be here to tell you that you aren't alone.

[Dobby]

Hey everyone, thank you so much for the answers ! It's sad and reassuring at the same time to know that I'm not the only one ... I kinda hoped that it was really a rare phenomenon, because that would mean that it has a low probability to happen to me again in the future, but well.

And yeah, it's getting a bit better with time, so that's good. Even if I feel like I really need to make friends, I'm still quite afraid because I don't want it to happen again. But the loneliness it causes makes the decision hard haha. 

It just happened at the worst time, almost all the things in my life started to get progressively worse and then in the middle of that all I lost her too. But well, that's the way it is I guess. 

I hope that everyone of you will be okay, thank you very much and love you all <3

[root22]

I don't know if this is helpful and I'll admit my friends and I aren't that close, but maybe offer to spend time with them as a couple? I spend time with my friends partner sometimes and he's a cool guy. We all just sort of hang out. I guess it's not likely that your friend will come to you for emotional support quite so much and you may not be so close anymore (which sucks! i'm sorry) but perhaps if you and her and her partner get acquainted better and enjoy each others company there might be a way to get a bit closer again rather than just "do smalltalk". Does that make sense?

[Dobby]

7 hours ago, root22 said:

I don't know if this is helpful and I'll admit my friends and I aren't that close, but maybe offer to spend time with them as a couple? I spend time with my friends partner sometimes and he's a cool guy. We all just sort of hang out. I guess it's not likely that your friend will come to you for emotional support quite so much and you may not be so close anymore (which sucks! i'm sorry) but perhaps if you and her and her partner get acquainted better and enjoy each others company there might be a way to get a bit closer again rather than just "do smalltalk". Does that make sense?

Hey thank you for your reply, and yeah it makes sense ! Yeah I met her boyfriend at some occasions already and I think he's nice. We just don't have a lot of occasions to all meet anymore because we now live quite far away.

And the last time we saw each other, it was just me and my friend (not her partner) and she spent quite some time on her phone texting him, it was even interrupting our interactions and activities. Yeah so it wasn't the nicest feeling. But anyway, we're not geographically close so we can't meet that much, which clearly doesn't help at all. That could have been nice

Thank you <3