Reaction to/dealing with potential romantic advances

[SilentShadows]

Hello fellow aros, got a question for y'all... how do you react to potential romantic advances/the possibility people could have feelings for you?

 

For me, I... have a really bad time telling and I get super nervous if it's a possibility. Like an... uncomfortable level of fear and nerves. It's just so freaky to me! I get a genuine knot in my gut about having to turn them down and/or a fear of them rejecting my refusal. For me, one of the worst things is someone liking me romantically. Silly, probably, but it's a genuine fear due to the way it'd affect our dynamic (be they friend or otherwise) and the possibility of them pushing their feelings onto me. The thought of being perceived as being in a romantic relationship has made me panic since at least 2nd or 3rd grade (I remember strongly the fear and panic when I admitted to a crush I didn't really have - in reality, it was a squish but it was the closest damn thing I could thing of). I liked the idea of being close to people, but the romance part was and still is... yeah, no thank you.

 

So I'm curious... does anyone else experience this/have experienced this? If so, how did you deal with it/get over it?

[hemogoblin]

Once I thought a guy was genuinely trying to become friends, so I didn't take it as a threat. Once he got my number, he very obviously hit on me. I just ghosted him.

[Nix]

4 hours ago, SilentShadows said:

For me, I... have a really bad time telling and I get super nervous if it's a possibility. Like an... uncomfortable level of fear and nerves. It's just so freaky to me! I get a genuine knot in my gut about having to turn them down and/or a fear of them rejecting my refusal.

Same, I go full panic mode if someone expresses their interest in me. And they have to be really obvious about it too, or I will think they are just being nice 😅

[SilentShadows]

On 3/13/2023 at 11:53 PM, hemogoblin said:

Once I thought a guy was genuinely trying to become friends, so I didn't take it as a threat. Once he got my number, he very obviously hit on me. I just ghosted him.

Oof 😔 My immediate thought with guys is if they're really friendly (I am pretty female-presenting though thankfully not super conventionally attractive/I use any pronouns) that they want to date or something so I try to loudly proclaim my aro-ness lol. That's really awkward though, glad that strategy seemed to work for ya!

On 3/14/2023 at 3:54 AM, Nix said:

Same, I go full panic mode if someone expresses their interest in me. And they have to be really obvious about it too, or I will think they are just being nice 😅

Yeah it's super awkward. I'd much prefer someone disliking me honestly, at least then I don't have to deal with their potential weirdness if I reject them. I'm naturally a little paranoid so if someone is super nice I start to worry they're trying to flirt lol (mostly straight men honestly, the girls and lgbt+ folks tend to be more chill).

[Acearospec]

On 3/13/2023 at 11:33 PM, SilentShadows said:

So I'm curious... does anyone else experience this/have experienced this? If so, how did you deal with it/get over it?

Yes, I have, though not for quite a while now, thankfully (at least not that I've noticed). I also get super uncomfortable (when I'm even aware its happening, but I'm similar to @Nix in that they'd have to be VERY obvious), but my general response is just to say something like

"That's not really my thing."

or

"I'm not really interested in that/dating."

I try & throw in a "thanks anyway" or "but I'm good with being friends" or something along those lines.

To be honest, those are my better responses, and I got better at using them with a fairly neutral response, but it's still awkward. I used to be even more awkward though & would respond with real disbelief & something like, "no way, you don't want to date me" or "you're kidding, right?" (thinking they really were, not realizing they were serious) which pretty much always ended poorly. I don't recommend going that route...