Reaction to/dealing with potential romantic advances

[SilentShadows]

Hello fellow aros, got a question for y'all... how do you react to potential romantic advances/the possibility people could have feelings for you?

 

For me, I... have a really bad time telling and I get super nervous if it's a possibility. Like an... uncomfortable level of fear and nerves. It's just so freaky to me! I get a genuine knot in my gut about having to turn them down and/or a fear of them rejecting my refusal. For me, one of the worst things is someone liking me romantically. Silly, probably, but it's a genuine fear due to the way it'd affect our dynamic (be they friend or otherwise) and the possibility of them pushing their feelings onto me. The thought of being perceived as being in a romantic relationship has made me panic since at least 2nd or 3rd grade (I remember strongly the fear and panic when I admitted to a crush I didn't really have - in reality, it was a squish but it was the closest damn thing I could thing of). I liked the idea of being close to people, but the romance part was and still is... yeah, no thank you.

 

So I'm curious... does anyone else experience this/have experienced this? If so, how did you deal with it/get over it?

[hemogoblin]

Once I thought a guy was genuinely trying to become friends, so I didn't take it as a threat. Once he got my number, he very obviously hit on me. I just ghosted him.

[Nix]

4 hours ago, SilentShadows said:

For me, I... have a really bad time telling and I get super nervous if it's a possibility. Like an... uncomfortable level of fear and nerves. It's just so freaky to me! I get a genuine knot in my gut about having to turn them down and/or a fear of them rejecting my refusal.

Same, I go full panic mode if someone expresses their interest in me. And they have to be really obvious about it too, or I will think they are just being nice 😅

[SilentShadows]

On 3/13/2023 at 11:53 PM, hemogoblin said:

Once I thought a guy was genuinely trying to become friends, so I didn't take it as a threat. Once he got my number, he very obviously hit on me. I just ghosted him.

Oof 😔 My immediate thought with guys is if they're really friendly (I am pretty female-presenting though thankfully not super conventionally attractive/I use any pronouns) that they want to date or something so I try to loudly proclaim my aro-ness lol. That's really awkward though, glad that strategy seemed to work for ya!

On 3/14/2023 at 3:54 AM, Nix said:

Same, I go full panic mode if someone expresses their interest in me. And they have to be really obvious about it too, or I will think they are just being nice 😅

Yeah it's super awkward. I'd much prefer someone disliking me honestly, at least then I don't have to deal with their potential weirdness if I reject them. I'm naturally a little paranoid so if someone is super nice I start to worry they're trying to flirt lol (mostly straight men honestly, the girls and lgbt+ folks tend to be more chill).

[Acearospec]

On 3/13/2023 at 11:33 PM, SilentShadows said:

So I'm curious... does anyone else experience this/have experienced this? If so, how did you deal with it/get over it?

Yes, I have, though not for quite a while now, thankfully (at least not that I've noticed). I also get super uncomfortable (when I'm even aware its happening, but I'm similar to @Nix in that they'd have to be VERY obvious), but my general response is just to say something like

"That's not really my thing."

or

"I'm not really interested in that/dating."

I try & throw in a "thanks anyway" or "but I'm good with being friends" or something along those lines.

To be honest, those are my better responses, and I got better at using them with a fairly neutral response, but it's still awkward. I used to be even more awkward though & would respond with real disbelief & something like, "no way, you don't want to date me" or "you're kidding, right?" (thinking they really were, not realizing they were serious) which pretty much always ended poorly. I don't recommend going that route...

[Ace_of_Spades]

I usually just explain to whoever develops romantic interest in me that I'm an aromantic asexual, not attracted to either sex/any gender, don't date, and don’t desire physical intimacy, and then hope that the person is understanding. Even if the person isn't fully understanding of the concept of aromanticism or asexuality, that is usually enough to make whoever it is understand that you are off limits.

As far as dealing with people having feelings for me, I usually don't avoid or unfriend people for having crushes on me unless they aren't respectful of my wishes to be nothing more than platonic friends.

Edited March 26 by Ace_of_Spades

[SkyTuneRein]

People don't normally hit on me, not that I'm good at noticing or believing it, although I can even foresee such things between others.

If and when it does happen, however, it really depends on the person and my current mood. Often I may feel doubt or confusion, sometimes I'd feel anxious or nothing, rarely I may feel enamoured. It can be a mixture of those. But if it's merely jester, then I may just return the favour. 😼

Edited March 25 by SkyTuneRein

[Keith]

It's certainly a weird feeling. 

I've had only one person truly confessing to me, and that was when I didn't know I'm aromantic, so it wasn't anything unusual. However, a few weeks ago a friend of mine told me that she could picture herself being in a relationship with me. It felt so weird. I know that it wasn't a confession and that she probably meant it as a compliment, but the idea of someone being romantically attracted to me was really weird. I guess that I felt kind of guilty that if she, or literally anyone else, happened to fall in love with me, I wouldn't be able to reciprocate their feelings (which might seem kind of silly, because it obviously wouldn't be my fault).

[Peggy]

First of all, please remember that it is NOT your fault that you don't like someone back and if they 'reject your refusal' then they're just a jerk. If it's someone who you're friends with, then you can gently turn them down, making sure to reassure them that you love them as a friend and that this will not change the way you view their friendship. It takes a lot of courage for someone to actually ask someone out, so I think it's important to make sure they know that you're still friends and this won't change anything because that's what a lot of people are worried about when they confess to their crushes. If it's a friend and they do keep pushing you/pushing their feelings onto you, then you can remind them or keep telling them you're not interested. If it's someone who you're not friends with, then just telling them you're not interested really should suffice - if they keep coming back to you or bugging you about it, that's 100% on them, not you, and I think anyone, aro or not, would feel uncomfortable if someone kept coming back to them like that. You really just need to be firm in telling them you're not interested and do not lead them on or give them any idea that you may become interested in the future/you're not entirely certain.

 

As for my own experiences with this, I get like a huge nervous-adrenaline rush whenever someone asks me if I have a crush on someone/if I'm dating someone. It's like my system just shuts down and refuses to process. Last year someone asked me if I was dating my best friend because we hang out a lot, and when I said no, they kept bugging me and asking me why not (which just seems uncomfortable in any situation, because...what do you mean, why aren't we dating? You don't get to control who me or my friend like/don't like and who we're dating/not dating). It was as if I was incapable of answering, I just couldn't form any good sentences in my head. Another time, one of my friends asked me if I had a crush on a teacher who I really admire, which was awkward for a number of reasons...I love this teacher and she's one of my favorite people ever, so someone asking me if I had a crush on her was insanely weird to think about. There are other reasons to talk a lot about someone or enjoy being around someone then just being romantically interested! But in that scenario, I just shut down and said 'no' really fast and didn't say anything else, which I'm sure must have looked really suspicious to anyone who suspected I really did have a crush on this teacher. I later texted my friend to explain that I was aro and that it was really really weird and awkward that someone thought I had a crush on the teacher, and the friend was very understanding and apologetic about it.

[Neon]

I panic and just try to be nice. Someone asking you out is someone being INCREDIBLY vulnerable with you. I would prefer to not hurt them more than they already will be by my rejection. Of course, thinking of their feelings just makes me panic worse.