Peggy

So I posted on here a few months ago that I thought I might have a crush on someone but couldn't really tell. I went back and forth on this quite a bit, and realized it was probably a platonic crush. The thing is, I've become friends with this person over the past few months, but it still feels like I always look forwards to seeing him, think about him a lot more than I think about some of my other friends, and basically just want to spend time around him/talk to him. I've had platonic crushes before, but for me, those were always just like 'I want to be friends with you.' This is more 'I want to be in a QPR with you.' Here's the thing. There's no way I could be in a QPR with this person because if I ever explained it to him, he would not get it, and also, I just don't feel comfortable explaining it to him or even explaining that I'm aroace. He's shown signs of being homophobic in the past - not outright 'I hate queer people,' but he always seems uncomfortable whenever the topic is brought up, and doesn't like talking about it (he has quite a few friends who are queer buuuut he still just always avoids the topic). I don't think he would understand me being aroace and I don't want to tell him. So, that sounds bad, and yes, I spend a lot of time wondering if I should really be friends with this person but he's honestly just a really nice and interesting person to me. He's really smart and knows a ton of random facts, so he's interesting to talk to, and it just makes me happy that he enjoys talking to me and sharing all those random facts. I also think that a lot of his friends are a bad influence on him (he's said in the past that some of his friends make fun of him by calling him gay because he has a fashion sense and sometimes he dresses more feminine - which could be a cause of the reason he's sorta homophobic, if he's exposed to that) so I really want to be a friend who actually cares about him and shows him what a good friendship is like. But I also just don't know how to express that I want a closer friendship, and I don't even know what I want out of this friendship. I don't think a QPR would be possible with this person, but it's my first time actually wanting a QPR so it's just a weird feeling.

Hey, welcome to the community and we're so glad to have you here! For me, I found out in a bit of a similar way to you - I'd heard the terms a few months before I realized they applied to me, but I'd tricked myself into believing I'd had a crush at one point, and I also had a platonic crush (I think?) that I had thought was a romantic crush, so it took me quite a while to realize. As for coming out, I sat down with my mom to tell her and was really nervous about it so it took me a very long time to tell her (I actually made her guess what I was going to tell her before I actually told her, and sexuality was like the last thing on her mind). I told my sister very nonchalantly (my sister is a demigirl and a lesbian (although I didn't know it at the time) so they were pretty well versed in sexuality terms already). And I never told my dad because I just didn't think it was a big deal, although he definitely knows I'm queer (I think he probably knows I'm aroace because I have a blog that I've mentioned it on, and he's read that). But don't ever feel any pressure to come out to anyone!! It's tough to come out, especially for something like being aroace where you may have to explain what that even means, so take your time! I'm glad you've found this little community, and feel free to talk to us here!

You are absolutely still able to call yourself aro even if you don't know if this was a crush or a squish! First of all, yes you're correct that the word aromantic can refer to being arospec, too. But also, no two aro people are alike, and we all have different experiences. If you feel like the aro label fits you, and it's something that you're comfortable with and identify with, please use it. I struggled for a long time with whether I could call myself aro because of the crush I thought I'd had four years ago, but it was the term I felt most comfortable with, and it was something that felt good to me. Even now, I'm struggling to determine if I might have a crush on someone, and how to interpret my feelings, but I know that regardless, I still experience attraction in different ways than allo people, and I'm still aro.

Have you guys ever talked with allo people about having platonic crushes? This was always something I used to keep very quiet, and never really mentioned them to my friends, but then I mentioned one of my more intense platonic crushes to my friend about a year ago, and she said that she thought she also got platonic crushes, and she'd been struggling to sorta figure out how to interpret her feelings. Then, I was talking to one of my friends the other day, and we somehow got on the topic of platonic crushes (this friend is probably aro-spec (she's not totally sure) but she still experiences romantic attraction) and she said she got them, too. Has anyone else talked about it with their allo friends? It was honestly pretty nice to talk about something I thought was just an aro experience and have people actually understand, and be able to talk about this thing that I previously thought was something my friends might not be able to really understand.

That sounds pretty similar to the experience I'm currently trying to figure out for myself... In my case, it was about four years ago that I thought I had a crush on this guy, because I really liked talking to him and it just made me happy to see/talk with him. At the time, I thought it was a romantic crush (also the first crush I ever had, so it had been something I'd been waiting for since all my friends always talked about their crushes and such). Looking back, I'm not so sure, because I remember, even at the time, noticing differences with how I perceived him than with how my friends perceived their crushes. And yet, there's still a part of me that wonders if it was a crush, since it did still feel different than now when I get platonic crushes. But ultimately, I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter. It was in the past, and the memories are all hazy now, and it's really hard to determine something that happened so long ago when I don't currently have the feelings. This doesn't affect my identity now. So I know this may not be the answer you're looking for, but there's really no way for you to figure it out now that it's in the past. Our memories play tricks on us, we misremember a lot of things, and there's never going to be a clear cut line between romantic and platonic attraction. You know your own experiences the best, so it's your own decision, but whatever you realize, it doesn't affect who you are now!

This is so cool! Last year, I had a class with a girl who I *vaguely* knew, and she had a ton of cute ace stickers on her laptop. I really wanted to compliment them, and tell her that I'm ace too, but I could never work up the courage. She graduated this past year, but over the summer we had a conversation via Instagram and I got the chance to tell her I'm ace, and tell her how much it meant to me to see an out ace person in my school and know that I'm not alone.

This isn't going to be an answer that you'll like, but the truth is, there's no real solid line, and it's generally up for individual interpretation. Personally, I'm grayromantic and I've had like one or two crushes in my lifetime, and I would describe that sensation as 'I feel happy around them, I want to talk to them, and I think about having conversations with them,' but that's basically the same way I feel with my friends, or with people I have platonic crushes on, yet I can still (usually) tell the difference between those things. I will say, though, that wanting to do 'typically romantic things' does NOT have to involve romantic attraction. Romantic attraction is just that - a type of attraction. It does not dictate what you do or don't do, and the type of relationship that you have with someone should not determine the sorts of things you are 'allowed' to do with them. If you want to do 'typically romantic things' with your friends, don't let societal standards get in the way of that!

Yeah, I remember while I had that first crush, four years ago, I began using the term 'friend-crush' because it more felt like I just wanted to talk to him and hang out with him than actually date him, and it felt different than anything my friends describe as having crushes. So that REALLY made me wonder if it was a platonic crush, once I discovered the aromantic spectrum. However, I've had other platonic crushes and they still feel different from that first maybe-crush. And my current crush definitely feels different.

I generally identify as aromantic, but I'm actually (probably) grayromantic. I have only had one crush and it was four years ago, so after a while I just called myself aromantic because I wasn't even sure if that crush was really a crush, and it had been so long since I'd had one. I also find it easier to say aromantic because it's easier to explain it, and more people are likely to know what it means. But now I think I have another crush. And I don't know what to do. It's messing with my entire sense of self - being aro is a pretty big part of my identity, whenever I come out these days, I say I'm aromantic not that I'm grayromantic. Moreover, I don't even know the extent of my feelings about this person (because some grayromantic people's romantic attraction is really low compared to allos, and I don't know where I fall on that), and even if they were to ask me out, I don't know if that's something I'd want to say yes to, or what dating them would really be like. I'm just generally feeling really conflicted about this and kinda depressed about this. I don't need concrete advice or suggestions if you don't have any, but just a few nice words would be nice.

Remember to be kind to yourself with the books you read! Loveless absolutely has a lot of great representation and it's awesome for a lot of people but that doesn't mean it's right for you! It's ok to put down a book that makes you uncomfortable and it's ok to not enjoy a book that most people seem to love. Take care of your own feelings before anything else. And btw, if you want any other aro rep books that don't explore the identity as much (simply have a character who's aro) then I'd recommend checking out Rosiee Thor's books, Tarnished are the Stars, or Fire Becomes Her.

You described this perfectly here! That's exactly the way I feel, I feel happy when I'm actually watching it, but as soon as it's over, I eel terrible. I wish I were able to cut out romance entirely but as someone who reads a lot of books it's nearly impossible because almost all books have at least a romance subplot (though I don't mind romance subplots as much because they're not the main focus and generally aren't conveying as many emotions, etc). But I'm really glad that I'm not the only one who feels this way! And I do see what you mean about Alice Oseman. Personally, I really enjoyed Loveless because it was the first book I read that really went deep into the aroace identity and exploring what being aro menas (and it was also the book that led me to realize I was ace), but I also agree about their books being very steeped in romance and such. I did read the entirety of the Heartstopper comics (as of like a year and a half ago - there may be more out now?) and I was definitely left feeling a little sad due to the romance.

Does anyone ever get sad or depressed after watching or reading a really good romance? I just watched a few episodes of Heartstopper with my friends, which I had never watched before (although I have read the comics and I am a huge Alice Oseman fan) mainly because I don't like watching romance, and the comics were a bit too romance-y for me. But I knew it was popular and I enjoyed the friend group and stuff so I decided to give the show a chance. And I watched like three episodes and I was doing completely fine, but then as soon as I turned the show off I got really sad and started crying. I can't control it, it just came over me suddenly. I legitimately wanted to watch the show because I know it's a good show. But seeing like such a well written romance, seeing it develop and stuff, makes me so sad because romance is always touted as such a big important thing. Especially in romance plots (duh). And that just makes me feel so lonely, like I'm never going to have that. All my friends are going to have that and I'm just going to be the one left behind.

Okay, this is really random but basically I'm a big baseball fan, and so I follow a lot of baseball accounts on social media, etc. And there's this one baseball player, her name's Kelsie Whitmore and she became famous last year for being the first woman to play on a professional baseball team that's affiliated with Major League Baseball. And recently, I've noticed that Kelsie wears a white ring on her left middle finger. I feel like it's probably just a coincidence, but that's such a strange coincidence? Like the fact that the ring happens to be the correct finger, hand, and color. Anyways, this is a really random topic but I just wanted to mention it somewhere because it got me excited even if it probably doesn't mean anything. I kinda want to message her and casually ask if her ring means anything, but I feel like that would be a little random, and if it doesn't mean anything, it would be a little awkward haha. What do you guys think? Coincidence?

I don't know if OTHER people feel that way around me, but I've always kind of felt that way regardless of those around me. When I first discovered I was aro-spec I said I was grayro because I'd had one crush. But after a while it was waaaaay too confusing to describe all the intricacies of what grayromantic even means, since basically no one has ever heard of it, so I just started going by aro. Now, I always identify as aro, and tbh I don't even know anymore if what I experienced was a crush (there were signs it was a platonic crush). But I never really think about it anymore, because I've just pushed that part of me that might have had a crush away, because I'm aro. Even still, I definitely experience types of attraction these days - definitely not romantic or sexual, but still attraction, and every time I have to question if I'm really aro, if I belong in this community, etc.

There's this kid who I know has had a crush on me for at least 7 years now. We went to the same elementary school, but although we go to the same high school, we've never had any classes together, so at most we wave at each other in the hallway, and he texts me once in a while but not much. So I had kinda assumed (and hoped) that he'd gotten over me. But recently, he went on a school trip which several of my friends were also on, and he ended up hanging out with my friends a bunch. And apparently he would aaaaaalways talk about me and ask if I liked him and stuff like that. So my friends actually told him that I was aroace (which I'm fine with) because he kept saying stuff like this. And now he's trying to get over me by like meeting with me and talking it through and stuff. So he asked to meet, but the thing is, I don't really want to meet??? Like for some reason, it's really hard for me to talk about my sexuality, and to reject someone in person. It's just way easier to articulate my feelings and such in text. I just feel bad for basically telling him I don't want to meet up with him even though he's trying to get over me (I think that he's also been talking with one of my friends and she's helping with this because they got really close over the school trip). I guess I'm not really asking for advice or anything, I just wanted to share this story. I understand his perspective and obviously he can't choose who he has a crush on, it's just kind of annoying to me that it's been going on for so long and it kinda makes things awkward between us. Plus, it's kind of creepy that he KEEPS talking about me to my friends. On another note, I came out to one of my friends because I was explaining the above situation to her, and she came out to me as gray-ace! Always exciting to meet another a-spec person! (plus, I technically identify as grayromantic and I've never met another person who identifies as gray- anything in person, so it was kinda nice to talk to someone who already knew what my sexuality meant and such.)

Ever since I realized I was grayromantic and ace, I've been really confused about the difference between physical and sexual attraction. I know that this is an aro forum and this topic may be better suited for an ace forum but I thought I'd ask here (since I'm not in an ace forum). So, generally when I look it up, and when I'm reading books or whatever, it really seems like physical and sexual attraction are interchangeable. When you're sexually attracted to certain genders, those are the genders that you find attractive, etc etc. So why do I, as someone who is asexual, still find someone attractive? Never have I looked at someone and had sexual thoughts about them or wanted to do anything sexual with them, and yet there's definitely people who I just think are really attractive to the extent that I get a weird type of crush on them (definitely not sexual, but I don't think it's romantic either). And when I've brought it up somewhere else before, people just told me it was aesthetic attraction. But I don't think it is. For more context - I very rarely view people as attractive. There are times when I will look at someone and I can tell why other people see them as attractive, but I myself just don't really care. And yet, there's some people who I do look at and see as attractive. Now, that can just be aesthetic attraction - except once or twice, I've had a celebrity crush on someone. It's not like it was based off their personality at all, it was just someone who I liked looking at and I thought they were pretty. And moreover, as I've thought about it, it's not like it was a romantic crush. I would never actually want any romantic relationship or anything like that. I just liked looking at them, and it made me happy to look at them. More recently, I've found someone I go to school with as extremely attractive, and I just like to look at them, I really like their laugh and smile, they're just someone who I like seeing, meaning that it's not just celebrities or whatever, it can still happen with people who I know and are actually around me. So it's not romantic attraction, it's not aesthetic attraction (I don't know how to explain it, I know from the way I described it that it sounds like aesthetic attraction, but it's not), and it's not sexual attraction. Is physical attraction separate from any of these? I feel like that separation of physical attraction from other types of attraction is not at all discussed but...has this happened to anyone else? Do you think this type of physical attraction is different from sexual attraction?

For me, there was the obvious 'I made up a crush' which I feel like every aro person has done. But also, when my friend came out to me as bi, my first reaction in my head was just 'how have you experienced enough attraction to know the gender/s you're attracted to?' Because I'd only ever had one crush (which may have been a platonic crush?) so I didn't understand how everyone else could already label their sexuality.

First of all, please remember that it is NOT your fault that you don't like someone back and if they 'reject your refusal' then they're just a jerk. If it's someone who you're friends with, then you can gently turn them down, making sure to reassure them that you love them as a friend and that this will not change the way you view their friendship. It takes a lot of courage for someone to actually ask someone out, so I think it's important to make sure they know that you're still friends and this won't change anything because that's what a lot of people are worried about when they confess to their crushes. If it's a friend and they do keep pushing you/pushing their feelings onto you, then you can remind them or keep telling them you're not interested. If it's someone who you're not friends with, then just telling them you're not interested really should suffice - if they keep coming back to you or bugging you about it, that's 100% on them, not you, and I think anyone, aro or not, would feel uncomfortable if someone kept coming back to them like that. You really just need to be firm in telling them you're not interested and do not lead them on or give them any idea that you may become interested in the future/you're not entirely certain. As for my own experiences with this, I get like a huge nervous-adrenaline rush whenever someone asks me if I have a crush on someone/if I'm dating someone. It's like my system just shuts down and refuses to process. Last year someone asked me if I was dating my best friend because we hang out a lot, and when I said no, they kept bugging me and asking me why not (which just seems uncomfortable in any situation, because...what do you mean, why aren't we dating? You don't get to control who me or my friend like/don't like and who we're dating/not dating). It was as if I was incapable of answering, I just couldn't form any good sentences in my head. Another time, one of my friends asked me if I had a crush on a teacher who I really admire, which was awkward for a number of reasons...I love this teacher and she's one of my favorite people ever, so someone asking me if I had a crush on her was insanely weird to think about. There are other reasons to talk a lot about someone or enjoy being around someone then just being romantically interested! But in that scenario, I just shut down and said 'no' really fast and didn't say anything else, which I'm sure must have looked really suspicious to anyone who suspected I really did have a crush on this teacher. I later texted my friend to explain that I was aro and that it was really really weird and awkward that someone thought I had a crush on the teacher, and the friend was very understanding and apologetic about it.

My friends are all queer :( so I guess I tried that one already Thank you everyone for your advice and encouragement!

Kind of a rant. I guess I just need to get my feelings out, sorry. I'm in high school so my friends are beginning to get into romantic relationships. None of my close friends have actually started dating yet but they talk about their crushes and I have a friend who's now actively trying to figure out if they should/how they should ask someone out. I'm trying to support this friend, but it's actually really, really hard to do. My two closest friends are obsessed with romance, they love reading and watching romance, and I'm completely against doing that. They're always asking me to 'admit it, that couple is cute' or squealing about how adorable a romance in a book is. These two friends are also the sweetest people in the world, they're always telling me how much they love me and that friendship is just a different type of relationship and romantic relationships aren't going to take away from their friendship with me, etc etc. But their obsession with romance is making it really really hard to believe. Why are you obsessed with romance and not friendship if this is true? Plus, there was this one time that I was joking about how I will get married for tax benefits, and one of my friends was like 'I'll marry you for tax benefits!' and then immediately after goes 'but if I meet someone I'm actually interested in marrying then I'll have to divorce you.' I understand that it was a joke, but that did hurt. Anyways, back to that friend who's looking to ask their crush out. I feel like the worst person ever, but there's a big part of me who hopes that the other person doesn't like my friend back and they don't get together. I guess that just makes me really self-centered, but one of my worst fears is of my friends getting into romantic relationships and leaving me behind. I hate knowing that all my friends are going to leave me for partners someday and I'm never going to be the person loved most by someone, I'm never going to be the first person who they come to in order to talk, or who they want to spend time with first. I think I just needed to get those feelings out. But can anyone else relate to this?

Hi everyone, I just joined Arocalypse and I'm excited to be here! My name is Peggy (not my real name) and I use she/her pronouns. I'm an aro-spec teenager (I mostly identify with aro). I'm here because I was recently feeling pretty bummed that none of my friends really understands my feelings as someone who is aro, and I don't have anyone who I can talk with about these things, so I decided to join an aro forum. In my spare time I really enjoy reading so if anyone is a fan of books, I'd love to talk more! I mostly read YA, and recently I've been reading realistic fiction mostly, though I do enjoy fantasy as well.