frittatacrisis Posted March 4 Share Posted March 4 (edited) hiya! you can call me li. a little bit about me: i love and always have loved music. listening, singing, playing instruments, and even writing/producing music. it's a universal language. and it has the capability to make people feel things. i love writing and reading, too. i've found that poetry (as well as songwriting, because those are so very similar) is a really good outlet for my creativity. for the past two years i've been a student correspondent for my local newspaper. i used to say that my favourite hobby was drawing. i haven't done it in a while, though, except for the doodles i create on my arm / hands during school. i once drew a butterfly on my hand and was told that it looked like a real tattoo. i want to get a tattoo someday - preferably of butterflies or something botanical/astronomy related. my favourite colour is green. specifically the shade phthalo. my favourite season is autumn, but mostly because of the good vibes (sweaters, tea, hot cider, crisp air, gilmore girls, etc.). alice oseman's heartstopper series (both the webcomics and the netflix adaption) has taken a hold of my heart more than any other media else has. i am an adopted only child, and i have a labradoodle named briscoe. i am a fan of pineapple on pizza. i have an irrational fear of thomas the train. i am the happiest when i am wearing a sweater and my pastel pink high-top converse. i believe that everyone is a little dehydrated and that everyone, no matter who you are, could benefit from therapy. i am a daughter. i am a cousin. i am a friend. i am trying to work on accepting the fact that being uncertain is okay. i am a human that is trying her best to develop a better understanding of myself and the people and world around me. pertaining to my questioning: i am seventeen years old as of this past december, and i've been questioning my sexual / romantic orientation for a little over a year now. i thought i was biromantic demisexual, but lately, that hasn't felt accurate. very recently, one of my close friends and i tried out a relationship. however, it only resulted in a large amount of stress and tension, and eventually, we decided to call it off. i had expected to be sad. but i wasn't. both of us were left with an overwhelming sense of relief and peace. i, for one, had just wanted what was best for him. he has been questioning his own orientation for a while, and i think that he's finally figuring himself out. and i couldn't be happier for him. but i was left wondering why, out of every emotion i could have been experiencing, why peace? i think i almost knew that it was headed there (a break up, for lack of a better term), but still, i had expected to be upset about it. or angry or something. but i wasn't. and in those moments after we had called off the relationship, i wondered: had i ever actually had romantic feelings in the first place? i knew i loved him. i still do love him. but i don't think it's anything past platonic love. i've never given much credit to the idea of soulmates, but if i have one, i think it's him. we understand each other. he knows me better than anyone else. i think that it may be the closest i'll ever be to experiencing romantic feelings. and i need to keep reminding myself that the fact that those feelings aren't romantic doesn't invalidate the love that exists between him and i. that was my second relationship. the first had ended quite abruptly due to circumstances. but looking back on it, i don't think that i ever actually had romantic feelings; i think that i saw the potential that the person was interested in me. part of my brain is telling me that i was just allured by the possibility that someone was attracted to me more than platonically. but another part - an anxious part - is telling me that i am just making it up. there's a weird dichotomy in my head between aromantacism and what i've been taught is supposed to be "normal." i know it's not true, but i have convinced myself that if i am in fact aromantic, i am broken and destined for inevitable loneliness. my home environment is not one in which i can truly express myself; my parents don't support lgbtqia+. and i think that this contributes to the denial that i am experiencing. i also don't want to entertain the idea that i might not have the capability of being in love. because i love love. i love to love people. i want my friends to realize how deserving they are of love. i want to love. i don't think i could differentiate between platonic and romantic feelings to save my life. and i don't know if i have ever actually experienced romantic feelings. i love all of my friends. i love them in a way that is indescribable; words can't do it justice. i want to know them as best as i can. i want to understand them and to forge deep connections. but loving and being in love are two completely different things. and i don't know if i am capable of being in love. i keep going in circles. between self doubt and denial and paranoia and anxiety. but i always come back to where i started. i think i am aromantic. and it's so wonderful and awful at the same time. having this knowledge makes everything make more sense: the past, the present, my understanding of myself, etc. but i'm also confused. i know that romantic love isn't the only type of love. not by a long shot. but it almost seems as if society has placed it on a pedestal. as if to say that it's elevated or "better." which is untrue. so i think for me... right now my biggest obstacle is overcoming a feeling of inadequacy. that's why i joined this forum. i hope that this helps me in my journey and my understanding of myself. but also that, eventually, i am able to help others in theirs. a reminder for myself: it's not as if i am not able to love. i am not broken. i do love. overwhelmingly so. just in my own way. Edited March 6 by frittatacrisis changing what i go by on this forum :) 4 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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