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I'm surprised how many people don't like being aro


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What the title says. When I found out I was aro, it was easy to accept,  in fact I was happy about it. I felt complete in a way. It felt like a massive relief that I'd never need to date anyone and everything that entails. A weight off my shoulders.

And yet.. I see so many people, here and other places online, that seem to hate being aro, or worse, hate themselves for being aro. I can understand that for some people it might come as a disapointment or be difficult to accept, but I never expected people to be so negative about it as they are. It's a bit disheartening to see so many people beating themselves up about it.

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If they hate themselves for it they haven't come to terms with it, most likely. They feel something is wrong with them. 

I like who I am, but what I don't like about being aro is how hard it is to be aro in a very sex and romance obsessed society. That also may make it harder to accept for some people. The norm is you grow up, find a partner, settle down. The norm is to have a dating life. People assume something is wrong with you if you have no romantic or sexual experiences. They think you're some reject, it doesn't even occur to some people I have no experiences like that because I just don't want them. Maybe the people you're seeing who hate being aro hate it because of how aro people are treated. 

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When I found label "aromantic" I decided to snatch it to myself and see if it fits, and it did! I though I was bi for a long time because "I feel same of boys and girls" but little did I know. I literally went through at least 15 romantic orientations before even thinking of aromantic.

It was very easy for me to accept being aromantic. I never wanted relationship, never had romantic crush, kissing and cuddling makes me uneasy and I can't picture myself in relationship without physically cringing. Finding out I was aromantic was definitely a relief instead of shock.

I can understand how it's hard for some people to accept being aromantic, and it's okay.

7 hours ago, Procrastinating said:

The norm is you grow up, find a partner, settle down. The norm is to have a dating life. People assume something is wrong with you if you have no romantic or sexual experiences.

I agree with this. Anytime someone talks about future they say "when you have partner" instead of "if" and it can feel like a massive pressure, like you just have to do it. Life is short and if there is something you don't want to do, you should leave it out. Live how you want.

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i feel like i have a unique situation as i've been pretty socially isolated for a while now, and generally find myself quite jaded with... most things. i've also never had any pressure to marry or have sex in any way

other people probably had (or have) to live in situations that make it harder for them or the people around them to accept which can be hard to cope with

Edited by EGGHEAD
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I'm not sure if this is true or just what it seems like to me, but I've found the amount of struggle with self-loathing and internalized arophobia a lot more prevalent/loud in the aro community than I ever found it in the ace community, and it's definitely really heartbreaking to know people feel that way about themselves.

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On 1/14/2023 at 2:08 PM, ProbablyHuman said:

What the title says. When I found out I was aro, it was easy to accept,  in fact I was happy about it. I felt complete in a way. It felt like a massive relief that I'd never need to date anyone and everything that entails. A weight off my shoulders.

Me too! But I do recognize that as a product of having very supportive parents who didn't really force me to do anything, and who I don't think ever even told me "when" you get a partner. Other people didn't get that chance, though, and unfortunately amatonormativity is so prevalent in so many people's lives that it makes finding out they won't really be participating in the whole Romance Game a giant slap to the face

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I like being aro! Being aro is very cool and I love knowing that I am not alone! I love freedom and being given easy permission to ignore any standard life goals that do not interest me!

My biggest gripes are with how the world is often set up for couples, and I do frequently find myself falling into thoughts of "it would be so much easier if I was allo". It is not quite as cool feeling like I will always be second best and I wish it was easier to find someone I can tolerate for stable cohabitation or who values friendships the same way I do. It's frustrating sometimes, but I overall I lean positive knowing that this is the right thing for me. I have society issues, not me issues.

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I would agree it's usually some sort of internalized aro-phobia, societal pressures to "not be alone," or perhaps the person just not being aro in the first place. I remember growing up and feeling so confused and upset about romance. I thought I had crushes on people but I really just wanted to be around them or be friends with them, and when I thought of them in a romantic way, I felt revulsion to that idea. For a long time I assumed I was panromantic or something, but then I came across aromantic and I started thinking "huh, what if this is me?" Initially, I balked at the idea and thought "no, I like some characters/find people attractive so I can't be that." I had heard of asexuality beforehand, but didn't feel like it fit me fully either. 

So after some reflection and time, I sorta came to realize that yeah, I'm probably somewhere on the aromantic spectrum alongside the grayace spectrum. I did personally feel some resistance to the idea of being aromantic, but curiously, nothing that made me worried about being "lonely" or something like that. I definitely had people positing that if I didn't have a romantic partner I would be lonely, but after finding a good friend circle, I disagreed. I think the amatonormativity of the world can be really hard on people, and I too catch myself saying "man this would be easier to explain if I was allo" but then... my brain reminds me romance sounds like a ton of work and drama and hurt feelings (potentially) and I sure as hell don't want that in my life LOL. 

Not that there's anything wrong with romance, of course, it's simply... not for me.

15 hours ago, Lynx said:

My biggest gripes are with how the world is often set up for couples, and I do frequently find myself falling into thoughts of "it would be so much easier if I was allo". It is not quite as cool feeling like I will always be second best and I wish it was easier to find someone I can tolerate for stable cohabitation or who values friendships the same way I do. It's frustrating sometimes, but I overall I lean positive knowing that this is the right thing for me. I have society issues, not me issues.

This all the way - society is set up a certain way and that can be tough to deal with, especially when aros are so underrepresented on their own.

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On 1/16/2023 at 1:34 AM, hemogoblin said:

I'm not sure if this is true or just what it seems like to me, but I've found the amount of struggle with self-loathing and internalized arophobia a lot more prevalent/loud in the aro community than I ever found it in the ace community, and it's definitely really heartbreaking to know people feel that way about themselves.

theres a bit of me that wonders if this will change if aromanticism grows as a community

say someone is ace but not aro, as being ace becomes a more commonly known thing and the community becomes larger the odds of finding people who are aware and ok with the relationship that they want becomes better. there are a fair few major cities in my country where they could find a local group of people to talk to and work things out.

i think there is a feeling in the aro community that the sort of relationships that people want are seemingly unavailable because no-one really knows what you are asking for and the community is just too small to find people to talk things through with.

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I know for me, figuring out I’m aro has been hard, and for me it was probably mostly a product of the amatonormavity and heteronormativity that was pushed on me as I grew up (I didn’t know what “lesbian” meant until a friend explained it to me when we were 11, which was probably my first exposure to LGBTQ+ness). Though the heteronormativity got better as some of my friends started to come out as gay, or lesbian, or bi, or even pan, the assumption that I would someday be in a romantic relationship with my then-“crush” (who is now and always has been a squish) is hard to overcome, especially because romance is painted by society in general as the Ultimate Best Thing That Everyone Should Want And Have. 

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On 1/20/2023 at 1:49 PM, roboticanary said:

theres a bit of me that wonders if this will change if aromanticism grows as a community

say someone is ace but not aro, as being ace becomes a more commonly known thing and the community becomes larger the odds of finding people who are aware and ok with the relationship that they want becomes better. there are a fair few major cities in my country where they could find a local group of people to talk to and work things out.

i think there is a feeling in the aro community that the sort of relationships that people want are seemingly unavailable because no-one really knows what you are asking for and the community is just too small to find people to talk things through with.

I hope so, and I like this hope! Community is definitely a literal lifesaver.

I was also thinking about it, and there is a different relationship to the ways in which we're not considered by an amatonormative society when you're ace versus aro and may be more likely to still desire/find a relationship that at least hits some of the checkmarks of what's required (committed, monogamous, having children) when you're allo ace that you may be less likely or feel less likely to desire/find if you're aro. I'm sure that could play into self-acceptance as well.

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