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I need to rant and also pls help me


EternallyTBD
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I was at a party with all of my friends. It was my squish who I just asked into a QPR’s birthday and he has a party at his house and it was great. 
 

and my friends were all snuggling platonically and even pairing up romantically on the couch, moving closer to each other and cuddling as we watched a movie

abd a friend who I never see because they live so far away was there

and I couldn’t take it at one point ace I broke down and my friend who lives far away and a few others helped me be there again because I trust them and I need them and I hate the depressive episodes I get that only last an hour or so now if I can stop them but still remind me of my depression when I had it

and I hate that I rely on my one friend so much

and I hate that i can’t just be happy. Everyone else is just happy and they should be and I’m not when they are

and my mom says just to keep my options open and I never know if I’ll love someone some day in the only ways Disney movies teach me matter but I’m aroace and I wont

 and I don’t have anyone to pair up with like the rest of them do but some part of me can’t picture kissing someone and being happy or what would come next because I don’t see myself in a relationship 

and I’m scared that my moms right and I’m missing more if my life by believing I can’t feel romantic love

 and I’m scared that if I did have someone to rest my head on their shoulder and who would put their head on top of mine I wouldn’t feel anything anyway 

and I want to take Winter as a preferred name but my mom first like me changing my name

and I’m always scared that if I never feel romantic or sexual love or attraction I’ll be as childish as I am and they’ll grow up without me no matter what my friend promises me 

and I’m always scared that I’m wrong

and I can’t take it all

and  I don’t know what to do

and I hate everything sometimes like late night when I hit home and I can’t even put it all into words

and I don’t know what I want but i know it’s not whatever this is

somedays it’s ok or even good but yesterday and now I hate being aroace

I know my anxiety and OCD make it harder but how does anyone else do this

Edited by EternallyTBD
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Bestie, you don't need romance, you need therapy and probably medication. Not to be rude, but like, your mom's an idiot if she thinks romance is going to solve the problem. Even if you were allo, in this state a romantic relationship would be very difficult to manage if not outright a disaster. I wish you much luck in your mental health journey and I wish your mom a very Shut The Fuck Up.

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I'm gonna let you in on a little secret kid. Nobody is just happy. They are just good at hiding how shitty they feel. Maybe not everyone has depression, but everyone is dealing with something no one else knows anything about. That's why I say envy is ignorance. And I get what you're going through with your mom. Mine was the same way. I know now she meant well, but if I could go back to 25 years ago I'd tell her "You clean out your own damn closet before you tell that kid how to live his life!" I'm not sure what else I can tell you except you just have to struggle with this. Everyone struggles with something, but it's the struggling that teaches you who you are, what you're made of and what you can do.

And don't take life advice from Disney. They are the fucking Antichrist.

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My sister started dating in middle school. Romantic/sexual attraction/love/relationships aren't a mark of maturity, no matter what BS your mom or society tries to feed you.

Life is hard. Life with anxiety and OCD is even harder. Life with anxiety and OCD when you're struggling with societal bias is even harder. Therapy can help. Techniques like ACT or DBT can help. Support can help (it's okay to have good friends you can count on!). Community can help.

We're all just always figuring things out. It's okay if you can't put your feelings or your pain or your fear or your hurt or anything else into words. Your struggle is valid and real. And it might not really get easier until you can better advocate for yourself and get whatever help/support you need (talk therapy, alternative therapy, neurofeedback, ability to safely set boundaries with people like your mom, offline community, etc.) and have a bit more time to explore and experience life and realize for yourself that just because things are common life tropes doesn't mean they're necessary or the only legitimate way to live life.

I'm really sorry things are difficult and scary right now. I wish there was a clear solution people could give you to feel better and more comfortable and more confident. But we can be here for you. We can support you. We can cheer you on.

It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay. A lot of people, even allos, live lives that don't 100% comply with amatonormative social expectations. Life and the human experience is so, so diverse.

You can't miss something you don't even want. You wouldn't be you if you felt romantic attraction. Your mom is wrong. You are here. You are worthy of life and happiness and satisfaction. You matter for you, just the way you are.

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Romance doesn't automatically make people happy. It doesn't make anxiety goes away, and people areas likely to lose their romantic partner than their friends, if not more (in my country, 45% of marriages end up in divorces). So I really don't think that romance is going to solve anything, that's just a lie of society.

For what you say it sounds like anxiety is the problem because it makes you scared of hypothetical scenarios. Anxiety would still be there even if romance was in the balance.

My advice would be to focus on things you can control, and on the things that you really desire (and not things tour mom or society say you should want).

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On 12/17/2022 at 7:30 PM, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

Bestie, you don't need romance, you need therapy and probably medication. Not to be rude, but like, your mom's an idiot if she thinks romance is going to solve the problem. Even if you were allo, in this state a romantic relationship would be very difficult to manage if not outright a disaster. I wish you much luck in your mental health journey and I wish your mom a very Shut The Fuck Up.

"bestie, you don't need romance. You need therapy and probably medication." I wish this was sold on pins and stickers because I would give them out like candy, ESPECIALLY to my allo friends who "always find themselves in toxic situationships."

also, aside from that. hi, b, I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. I know it sucks right now, and I wish I could give you a big hug wherever you are. I don't really have any advice that can soothe you right now or make you feel magically better. But I will say, being aro is a journey. Personally, the label "aro" was something that I resented at first but grew to find comfortable over time (read: 5 years.) In the way that you said some days are good and some days are not, I found it helpful to take things one day at a time. Wishing you lots of love, wherever you are!

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On 12/18/2022 at 1:38 AM, EternallyTBD said:

and I’m always scared that if I never feel romantic or sexual love or attraction I’ll be as childish as I am and they’ll grow up without me no matter what my friend promises me 

this is a stereotype I've been dealing with a lot of time. there will be people that treats you like a child because you haven't had a romantic or sexual relationship, but really they should know better. its just nonsense, maturity doesn't have anything to do with those experiences, believe me

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2 hours ago, Cloud said:

this is a stereotype I've been dealing with a lot of time. there will be people that treats you like a child because you haven't had a romantic or sexual relationship, but really they should know better. its just nonsense, maturity doesn't have anything to do with those experiences, believe me

Nobody said it to my face (closer I get was on the internet, someone argue that you can't know your body if you never had sex :facepalm:). But if someone says that to me, I ask them to give me a full essay on why romance and sex is essential to grow up, hoping they discover how non-sensical it is in the process.

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2 hours ago, nonmerci said:

Nobody said it to my face (closer I get was on the internet, someone argue that you can't know your body if you never had sex :facepalm:). But if someone says that to me, I ask them to give me a full essay on why romance and sex is essential to grow up, hoping they discover how non-sensical it is in the process.

I've had people that have implied it while talking to me, like not say it straight up but implying I didn't know an essential part of life. that or treat me like I'm naive just because I don't give a damn about sex😒

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7 hours ago, Cloud said:

I've had people that have implied it while talking to me, like not say it straight up but implying I didn't know an essential part of life. that or treat me like I'm naive just because I don't give a damn about sex😒

Yeah I really don't get it.

In these cases I would be very prosaic and directly ask "how does slot body parts together cure naivety" (maybe even more prosaic lol). I probably won't get an answer but it will be fun to embarrass them.

 

I can get that sex is very important and very pleasant to some people, that they have sensations and feelings with sex that they don't have elsewhere. Same with romance. I just don't get why they also think that everybody should experience this to live a full life.

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16 hours ago, nonmerci said:

In these cases I would be very prosaic and directly ask "how does slot body parts together cure naivety" (maybe even more prosaic lol). I probably won't get an answer but it will be fun to embarrass them.

HAHAHA that's a good one 

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The foremost thing you need is not romance but probably some relaxation. You said all these things, you felt them, but you too know they aren't true. Don't be hard on yourself, it isn't worth anything. Try to accept your anxiety and OCD just as they are. Then get therapy. Relax, calm your mind. When your mind is calm, you can clearly feel what you feel deep down, you see yourself with more clarity. Nothing is more important than treating yourself well right now. I understand your fear and frustration but really, no one is happy and jolly, you too know it. There's nothing to hate about you relying on your friend too much. All these things are just what you think, they aren't true. ROMANCE CAN'T CURE A **** AND YOU AREN'T MISSING ANYTHING, YOU'RE JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, COMPLETE. Your mom is not right either. (to be honest, "you'll find the one some day" is of the sentences I hate the most, for just how much of an absolute bulls*** it is) It's not like all the allos in relationships are mature, infact maturity isn't about it at all, right? Right. You're anxious. Very anxious. And anxiety is no joke, it makes us believe in things that we know aren't true, perhaps sometimes we even want to surrender to anxiety and just believe in what it says and probably do so. But it's still fine, it's still not late, anxiety still can't stop you from getting out of fear and negativity, you can still treat yourself better, you can still get better, you can still become more joyful, more mature, more clear headed, more strong and more independent, without the need of a peck of romance. You want to be happy without doing something you don't want to, right? It's completely possible!! You can do it! 

And your post is like a journal, you can get some clarity about yourself when you read it while your mind is calm. When you are in your worst state like when you wrote this post, try to write your thoughts etc anywhere, private or public. I think reading them after you calm down will definitely help you, it personally helped me. Thanks for the post, I really mean it ^^

Edited by night_sky_white_clouds
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