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Limerence and Aromanticism


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Hi all.

I'm not sure how to make this a coherent post, forgive me. I guess I'll just share my story.

I'm in my mid 30s and earlier this year, after going through two life changing episodes of limerence spanning the last couple years (I'm talking had to quit my job, became severely depressed for two years, became addicted to drugs and alcohol ...), it finally lead me to actually figure out what it was that was happening to me - LIMERENCE. I've been experiencing episodes of limerence my entire life, even in childhood. And these were both platonic, towards the same sex as me, as well as "romantic" towards the opposite sex.

I've known since my mid 20s that I am asexual. But I never questioned my romantic identity due to all the limerent episodes I've had. I thought these were normal crushes (no).

I have done so much soul searching, and learned so much from discovering my limerence... and I'm starting to think one of the pieces of my identity puzzle is that I am actually aromantic.

I had to think about what point(s) in my life was I most at peace, the most well adjusted. And the best I ever was at life was when I was a single gal, not worried about being in a relationship (I just figured if it happened it did, if it doesnt, who cares), working a job I liked and just happily existing.

When I think about it, I've *always* been "repulsed" by romance. Just the WORD romance sends a feeling of a pit of disgust in my stomach. I hate seeing people kiss, I dont care who gay straight you name it. Romantic movies are gross (and the romantic part of non romance movies is always the worst part, gag me). I'd never touch a romance novel to save my life.

I was in a long term relationship in my early 20s and I hated romantic gestures. I flat out denounced valentines day as a thing we would celebrate haha. I've never felt compelled to be in a relationship with anybody, even with the people I have had gigantic limerent crushes on. I've never understood peoples drive to be with one another, but I always thought that was my asexuality talking...

Lastly, as soon as I really thought that maybe I am aromantic, I felt free. I felt fucking free from limerence. If you've never experienced limerence before, I dont know that I can describe to you how entirely life changing that is. To be free from limerence.. Wow.

Anyway. I guess I really am just ... I feel sad to think that I am aromantic. I'm not sure why. I guess cuz it's a new thought to me and if I really am.. I dunno.

It's also insane to me to think that I really felt what "love" was like at times. Like I really thought I was truly in love with someone (oh, another fucking clue to my aromanticism - I literally had to google what it was like to fall in love to understand if I actually was in love with someone or not during my limerent episode). It's like I have this strange aromantic superpower to know both sides?? I DONT KNOW.

I really just want to find others who may have experienced the same thing and come to the same conclusion. Because it's like I'm fighting if I really am aromantic, but I know I am, but.. I dont know why I'm fighting it I guess.

Alrighty well, thanks for listening.

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12 hours ago, Holmbo said:

Interesting! I didn't remember what limerence was though so I had to look it up.

It's a god awful OCD fantasy land obsession that causes you to act in ways that you would never otherwise (usually stemming from childhood trauma/neglect of some sort). I find it gross when couples call each other "babe," but I found that word coming out of my mouth towards a man I just met 2 weeks ago in one of my limerent episodes. I KNEW that was something I never felt comfortable saying or being called but... yeah. In my opinion limerence is a mental illness because how can someone be aromantic yet act the way they do when limerent? Anyway...

I dunno if I am going to find any other aromantic folks who have had problems with limerence but I am hoping maybe getting this out there on the internet might somehow.. I dont even know. I guess I'm just looking to not feel alone in this.

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On 7/28/2022 at 3:00 AM, Erederyn said:

I don't have experience with it myself, but there's an aspec blog writer I follow who writes about limerence from time to time: https://sildarmillionjournal.wordpress.com/tag/limerence/. Maybe you find it relatable and helpful.

This is a really good resource for this sort of thing.

I want to add that this writer also ran a carnival of aros on the theme of limerance, so there is a really good roundup where a lot of different people write about it.


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