Social/platonic orientation

[DaviM703]

I think stuff related to this has been talked about more here than in most places, but I've realized social orientation/platonic orientation is barely known in the general population or academic literature. My experience strongly suggests that it is a real thing that may be innate in a similar way to sexual or romantic orientation, as I was always more inclined to make friends with girls than boys from when I first started getting to know classmates and, though I once was best friends with one boy for three years because he became a lot more interested in me than any girl was, likely due to most people around me being primarily homosocial and thinking I was a boy. Does anyone else have experience of always feeling more drawn to one gender or one side of the gender spectrum for making friends? And if so, do you think it is innate in a similar way to sexual/romantic orientation?

[alto]

I am inclined to make friends with boys, yes I think it is innate.

[aro_elise]

not at all, i don't notice gender when it comes to platonic stuff.  i mean, in the same way people say "i don't see race"; obviously you notice--what you mean is it has no effect on how you feel about someone.  there's never been a noticeably more prevalent gender in my friends or squishes, except maybe in like primary school when it was more common to socialize with your own gender outside of class, but that's a societal thing.  my best friend is a woman but there was a 50% chance of that, again probably more since we met when we were very young.   i don't get the whole, like, "girls' night" thing, i don't get why bachelor/bachelorette parties/showers are gender-specific (obviously i won't be having one but hypothetically i'd invite all my friends...i guess the thing is straight people don't want to see strippers of their own gender lol but anyway).  i don't talk about different things with women, except maybe feminism, just as i talk to you guys about aromanticism, or any number of other examples; there are certain people you can have more galaxy brain discussions with.  but the only way i'm drawn to a certain gender is sexually, and that's inconsequential to how i feel about them as a person.

[Mark]

The term "Social/platonic orientation" is likely conflating, at least, two different things.

Outside of aro (and possibly ace) spaces nobody talks about "platonic attraction". When it is mentioned it's more about squishes, QPRs, etc. Not infrequently lionising romanticising these, as well as assuming that aromantic implies alloplatonic. (The only platonic orientation which tends to ever actually be mentioned is aplatonic, however.)

When it comes to mainstream psychology attraction tends to be broken down into Sexual, Romantic, Physical/Sensual, Emotional, Aesthetic and (sometimes) Intellectual. Whilst Emotional might also be described as Social it's applicable to non-platonic relationships, such as romantic and familial, as much as to platonic ones.

[nonmerci]

As an aplatonic I can't relate.

I happen to have befriended more girls than boys, but not because I feel more drawn to them. It is just that I have more interests with the girls I met than with the boys, or we get along more.

 

Now I've heard that with oriented aroace  the platonic attraction is often the one that gives the "oriented" part, and I suppose it is important for some alloaros so you are not alone with this. 

Edited May 2, 2022 by nonmerci

[alto]

Platonic attraction is important to me, but I don't feel the need to "orient" it.  I just feel that opens up a can of worms.

[Storm_leopardcat]

On 5/3/2022 at 1:40 AM, nonmerci said:

As an aplatonic I can't relate.

I happen to have befriended more girls than boys, but not because I feel more drawn to them. It is just that I have more interests with the girls I met than with the boys, or we get along more.

 

Now I've heard that with oriented aroace  the platonic attraction is often the one that gives the "oriented" part, and I suppose it is important for some alloaros so you are not alone with this. 

Huh, can I know more about platonic attraction, and how you figured out you lacked platonic attraction towards people? Oh 

Some Reddit links I found helpful: 

https://www.reddit.com/r/aplatonic/comments/xvykmk/henlo_friends_what_is_it_like_being_aplatonic/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

https://www.reddit.com/r/aromantic/comments/mkwd25/trying_to_understand_the_aplatonic_spectrum/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

https://www.reddit.com/r/aromantic/comments/o8vrjq/am_i_aplatonic/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

https://www.reddit.com/r/aromantic/comments/bt0031/aplatonic_aromantic_and_asexual_i_dont_even_want/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

https://www.reddit.com/r/aromantic/comments/bti1i6/niche_terminology_im_frustrated_the_term/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

https://www.reddit.com/r/asexuality/comments/bh4f13/what_is_aplatonic/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

 

[nonmerci]

1 hour ago, Storm_leopardcat said:

Huh, can I know more about platonic attraction, and how you figured out you lacked platonic attraction towards people? Oh 

Well, in my case, I think I felt platonic attraction once, so it makes it easier to notice that it was only once and that except for this exception, I don't feel it... so aplatonic.

Platonic attractrion was that I saw this random stranger I've never talked to and immediately thought it would be good to befriend her, for no reason except that I feel a push for it. It was not rational, I didn't even know this person, never talked to her, but everytime I saw her I thought we could be great friends and fantacize about it.

It only happen once though, which is wvy I consider it insignificant and identify as aplatonic.

 

For the rest, I do have friends and enjoy their company. But there is no attraction to it, which is probably why I won't feel like I miss something if I don't pursue friendships or things like that. A lot of aromantics will talk about how they love their friends and family; and though I think I probably love them too, it is not in these termes that I conceptualize our relationships and it is not what is important to me. I like them, I enjoy their company, I care about them, I laugh with them, talk to them, etc, that's what is important to me; love is not the relevant part for me and not what I'm looking for, if that makes sense.

 

But also, and that's the most important for me, I don't look for QPR. It is not the type of relationship I want. What I'm looking for is more familial relationships (including found family relationship), which is probably still a platonic relationship, but I guess the focus is so much on QPRs, that I don't think what I want is what people think about when they talk about their squishes, aka platonic crushes. It also means that I don't relate to some aromantic on the subject, and I think "aplatonic" permits me to say it.

 

Sorry if I am not explaining that very well.

Edited November 5, 2022 by nonmerci

[Storm_leopardcat]

3 hours ago, nonmerci said:

Well, in my case, I think I felt platonic attraction once, so it makes it easier to notice that it was only once and that except for this exception, I don't feel it... so aplatonic.

Platonic attractrion was that I saw this random stranger I've never talked to and immediately thought it would be good to befriend her, for no reason except that I feel a push for it. It was not rational, I didn't even know this person, never talked to her, but everytime I saw her I thought we could be great friends and fantacize about it.

It only happen once though, which is wvy I consider it insignificant and identify as aplatonic.

 

For the rest, I do have friends and enjoy their company. But there is no attraction to it, which is probably why I won't feel like I miss something if I don't pursue friendships or things like that. A lot of aromantics will talk about how they love their friends and family; and though I think I probably love them too, it is not in these termes that I conceptualize our relationships and it is not what is important to me. I like them, I enjoy their company, I care about them, I laugh with them, talk to them, etc, that's what is important to me; love is not the relevant part for me and not what I'm looking for, if that makes sense.

 

But also, and that's the most important for me, I don't look for QPR. It is not the type of relationship I want. What I'm looking for is more familial relationships (including found family relationship), which is probably still a platonic relationship, but I guess the focus is so much on QPRs, that I don't think what I want is what people think about when they talk about their squishes, aka platonic crushes. It also means that I don't relate to some aromantic on the subject, and I think "aplatonic" permits me to say it.

 

Sorry if I am not explaining that very well.

You are explaining it wonderfully, @nonmerci ! You have done an excellent job!

Yes, well, I started wondering about it, if I have ever experienced platonic attraction. I have been considering demiplatonic, that I experience platonic attraction only after a bond has been established with a person.

I recently realized that my experiences of friendships and friends are not entirely like most other people's experiences of friendships/friends/platonic attraction, but not entirely like or similar to aplatonic, or those who lack platonic attraction people's experiences, either.

I do not think I have ever squished on anyone. Or felt like how you described that one instance of platonic attraction. I do care about my friends, and acquaintances, and I love them, but don't mind not being with them or seeing them for a while. Though there are times when I have felt like hanging out with them or meeting up, and it does feel nice to do that. It also feels nice to be around them, but perhaps all of this is more about socialization.

I have never seen a random person or stranger and felt like I wanted them to be my friends, or felt like being their friend.

I have a best friend, and have a small circle of friends and acquaintances. I love them, but don't know what that kind of love is. I do not mind not knowing what that kind of love that is, or if it is platonic love (which it could be?).

Can aplatonic people still love platonically?

[nonmerci]

2 hours ago, Storm_leopardcat said:

Can aplatonic people still love platonically?

I think they can. The way I see it, platonic labels are about the attraction, not the love. At least that's how I understand it.

In particular now that there is the "loveless aro" label for aro who don't love.

Edited November 5, 2022 by nonmerci